Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Ok here goes,I'm with a man im head over heels in love with,he's 39 and I'm 35,we live together and are planning on getting hitched !! But there's problems,we get on fantastic except for my jealousy and trust issues! It started out wen he lied to me about something at the start and I find it hard to believe him so I pick and pick! I'm seeking help now for this problem! Anyway a few mts bavk I discovered he was viewing porn,TEEN porn and a lot of it! This destroyed me,Iv two teenage daughters and I was mad as hell!! Since then it's got worse,he stopped (or says) but I don't trust him and we fight over it!! Last Thursday I found a porn site on his history and lost the plot,told him to get out (it's his house yea) and give me a night to think! He swore it was spam he was deleting out of his email and clicked on a link accidentally! He stayed away that night,got drunk and felt licked his wounds!!! Came home and we made up,well I didn't let it go,I went snooping (bad I kmow) and found a number on his phone records that he dialled 9 times while he was away for the night! I confronted him and he said a pal gave him another pals number and that was it! I didn't let it go,rang it and no one answered so I put the number into Google search and my whole world came tumbling down!!!! Turns out its a 24 year old escort!!! (Prostitute) I lost the plot,became hysterical,hit him and called my mum and sister in front of him telling them wat he done! Kicked him out and said I was going the next day wen I'd packed! So he dissapeared and we spent 3 days with me hounding him on the phone,giving abuse and screaming all sorts(im heartbroken) He's still denying it to the last tho Iv found out he's lying The problem is he's not coming back I think He told me I can stay in the house til after xmas as Iv kids but he doesn't think he's coming back ever! He's in hiding and barelly speaks to me! I know I shouldn't care but I love this man,i think we should talk FaceTo face not over the phone,he said its my fault and I broke us ups he won't come back... Why the hell do I want him back??? He was an amazing partner and father figure but I don't know if he's a pervert!! Please give me advice,my hearts broke! Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Is this for real? If so, get you and your kids' things and leave. It's his house, after all. Go stay with your mom until you can get back on your feet. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 When we have trust issues we often attract people who can't be trusted. We fulfill the vision that we have inside. This happened here. Please, do not take him back. He put you at risk, your kids at risk, he lied about it, and it's not the first time. Too much other noise for it to be a first. He was bringing that home to you like nothing happened. Disrespectful, and a breach of trust. Next step: Find a way to trust your own judgment. It will help you trust your next man. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Sounds like he is dealing with sex addiction. He is needs help. Professional help. Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 He was renting this house out before we moved in it together as a family. He offered me the house til January. That wAs his choice,I can't go dragging my kids around a few weeks before xmas with no home. I won't do that to them Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 Sounds like he is dealing with sex addiction. He is needs help. Professional help. Yes I agree,I asked him to get help Link to comment
happyfrank Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 He was renting this house out before we moved in it together as a family. He offered me the house til January. That wAs his choice,I can't go dragging my kids around a few weeks before xmas with no home. I won't do that to them It's the right thing to do. Your children come first. Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 When we have trust issues we often attract people who can't be trusted. We fulfill the vision that we have inside. This happened here. Please, do not take him back. He put you at risk, your kids at risk, he lied about it, and it's not the first time. Too much other noise for it to be a first. He was bringing that home to you like nothing happened. Disrespectful, and a breach of trust. Next step: Find a way to trust your own judgment. It will help you trust your next man. He is adamant he done nothing,he won't admit it,tells me im his life and he wanted to marry me and he loves me. But he's making out its all in my head. Claims he would be here only I put him out. I'm blaming myself now and I know I shouldn't but I think I pushed because of my issues! Iv spoken to friends who know him all his life and they said it's not him,he's nit that type and certainly would never stray!! I'm sooo confused but he's not helping as he's ran Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 It's the right thing to do. Your children come first. I have to put my kids first. It's xmas in a few weeks and I can't uproot them during this time. I am looking for a new house Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 He is adamant he done nothing,he won't admit it,tells me im his life and he wanted to marry me and he loves me. But he's making out its all in my head. Claims he would be here only I put him out. I'm blaming myself now and I know I shouldn't but I think I pushed because of my issues! Iv spoken to friends who know him all his life and they said it's not him,he's nit that type and certainly would never stray!! I'm sooo confused but he's not helping as he's ran When I confronted my now bf about another woman in his life, he was honest, he managed it, he talks transparently to me about it, and if I ever have a moment of doubt, he assures me softly and in about 30 seconds we are joking about it. You're right, he's not helping. His friends don't know because how would they? Conflict resolution is the key to longevity. Y'all don't have that, regardless of what actually happened etc. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Please end things with him and block any way he can contact you. This guy...is not marriage material....he's not even bf material Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 When I confronted my now bf about another woman in his life, he was honest, he managed it, he talks transparently to me about it, and if I ever have a moment of doubt, he assures me softly and in about 30 seconds we are joking about it. You're right, he's not helping. His friends don't know because how would they? Conflict resolution is the key to longevity. Y'all don't have that, regardless of what actually happened etc. This is exactly what's getting to me the most,the way he's behaving now,he knows I don't believe him and he knows Iv the proof but he won't admit it,he says no one answered the phone,and the phone records show he dialled it nine times so maybe he didn't get her but he tried and that's enough!!! He still claims he didn't know it was a prostitutes number What kills me is I thought he loved me but he's not here facing me!!! Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 Please end things with him and block any way he can contact you. This guy...is not marriage material....he's not even bf material I know what your saying is true but I'm finding it hard! We had a great family life,he was amazing to me and the kids,very responsible ,mature,dependable ,respectful !! I thought anyway but now I'm left in utter devastation and shock and I'm so confused Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I'm sure you do love him, but what's in it for you if you can't trust him? What kind of example would this teach your children? Cheating and lying tend to go hand in hand, resulting in a very uncertain future on your end. Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 I'm sure you do love him, but what's in it for you if you can't trust him? What kind of example would this teach your children? Cheating and lying tend to go hand in hand, resulting in a very uncertain future on your end. See there's the problem right there,he's adamant he done nothing and yes I agree Iv proof he rang a prostitute which is bad enough but Iv no proof he got her!(excuse the pun) He never ever gave me reason to think he would cheat,he seemed soooo dedicated to me and the kids,he spent all his time with me through his own choice. I'm thinking I pushed him,I put him out that night and maybe he thought I didn't want him...I'm torn up and feel so lost and I'm acting crazy and I don't know how to get out of this.i need to face him but he won't see me,he Said I acted like a lunatic wen I found this info and that I told him to stay awY so he will Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Agree, you lost control of yourself. Sign you're in a toxic relationship. Once you're married, you won't have the same degree of choice , nor will he. Your outbursts and his deceit will get worse. It is possible he sabotaged this relationship out of a feAR of being married. Of losing choic3s, freedoms. In which case, you don't want to marry him anyway. Marriage is life expanding, when done well. Otherwise, it's a chain that holds you back. Don't do it. Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 Agree, you lost control of yourself. Sign you're in a toxic relationship. Once you're married, you won't have the same degree of choice , nor will he. Your outbursts and his deceit will get worse. It is possible he sabotaged this relationship out of a feAR of being married. Of losing choic3s, freedoms. In which case, you don't want to marry him anyway. Marriage is life expanding, when done well. Otherwise, it's a chain that holds you back. Don't do it. I lost control bacause I love this man,and we are meant to be comitted and faithful and honest with one another I see why you would think fear of marriage could have made his do this but he's the one who proposed,claims he wants to get married. Whatever happens the wedding plans are 100% off Iv been married once before and it was a healthy marriage so I'm not that daft to make a second mistake with someone who rings hookers I'm really pissed as he denies denies denies One minute he's saying how much he loves me then he's telling me not to talk to him as I messed it up I go from wanting to track him down and hugging him to wanting to murder him for turning this on me Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I lost the plot,became hysterical,hit him and called my mum and sister in front of him telling them wat he done! Kicked him out and said I was going the next day wen I'd packed! So he dissapeared and we spent 3 days with me hounding him on the phone,giving abuse and screaming all sorts Whenever physical violence enters a relationship, it's time to call it quits. You didn't react violently because you love him so much. You reacted violently because of anger that you have, that goes well beyond this situation. You have two teenage daughters. Remember that they are watching all of this and you're inadvertently teaching them about relationships, and dealing with conflict. Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 Whenever physical violence enters a relationship, it's time to call it quits. You didn't react violently because you love him so much. You reacted violently because of anger that you have, that goes well beyond this situation. You have two teenage daughters. Remember that they are watching all of this and you're inadvertently teaching them about relationships, and dealing with conflict. My children witness nothing and never have,I would never allow my children to witness such things,I do understand what your saying though. I'm not violent,I'd just felt like he ripped my heart out and stamped on it Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 My children witness nothing and never have,I would never allow my children to witness such things,I do understand what your saying though. I'm not violent,I'd just felt like he ripped my heart out and stamped on it Lots of people feel that their heart is broken but they don't hit their significant other. And while your kids may not have witnessed that direct incident, I'm assuming they realize he's left the house, and why, and that you're very upset. I think that you would be better off alone and addressing some of these issues than wanting to jump right back into it with him or anyone else. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Your feelings are warranted. How you react is your choice. You could have calm said, "I understand you called a sex service. We are over. I am in pain, I'm sure you are too, but I am firm in my decision." Yes, it's possible. Just saying that to illustrate an alternative. Glad you will move on. You don't need him to validate what you found. Just keep going. Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 Lots of people feel that their heart is broken but they don't hit their significant other. And while your kids may not have witnessed that direct incident, I'm assuming they realize he's left the house, and why, and that you're very upset. I think that you would be better off alone and addressing some of these issues than wanting to jum p right back into it with him or anyone else. No of course they don't know why he's left,how could I tell my innocent children something so nasty? I'll address that issue but that's not the issue right now,the lies,porn and prostitutes number is Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 No of course they don't know why he's left,how could I tell my innocent children something so nasty? I'll address that issue but that's not the issue right now,the lies,porn and prostitutes number is Actually, those aren't the issues anymore if he's gone. If those are dealbreakers for you, then let him remain gone. Then they are no longer issues. You're talking about resolving something that isn't necessarily healthy for you to resolve. Maybe it's best that it's done. Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 Your feelings are warranted How you react is your choice. You could have calm said, "I understand you called a sex service. We are over. I am in pain, I'm sure you are too, but I am firm in my decision." Yes, it's possible. Just saying that to illustrate an alternative. Glad you will move on. You don't need him to validate what you found. Just keep going. I was calm at first,I presented him with the evidence and asked him to look me in the eyes and do the right thing for me and tell me WHY but he laughed and said I was crazy. He's still saying I'm crazy,won't discuss the prostitute or the number but mentions how he feels unloved because I doubt him..porn,prostitutes? Is it any wonder I doubt him?but yet I still have moments where I blame myself,maybe I wasn't good enough,thin enough,sexy enough and I shouldn't feel like that! It seems he doesn't care right now about how I feel Link to comment
Sue800 Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 Actually, those aren't the issues anymore if he's gone. If those are dealbreakers for you, then let him remain gone. Then they are no longer issues. You're talking about resolving something that isn't necessarily healthy for you to resolve. Maybe it's best that it's done. Yes I totally agree with you,you speak perfect sense and it's exactly what I would advise another but my hearts broke,sleepless nights,Iv not ate in four days. I miss him! He was my best friend and I feel abandoned and I'm here on my own in our bed thinking he's off up to God knows what and doesnt give a toss! That's the killer,I want him to admit it and tell me why Guess it's too much to ask for Link to comment
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