Boyfriend held-hugged female friend and crossed other lines

[Mending Heart]

I've posted a lot on here about being dumped, getting back together, and trust issues, and now I'm posting here because I feel like a line was crossed and I'm extremely conflicted, confused, and hurt. I'm sure by now it probably seems like, "Why am I still trying to make this work?" though! >.

 

(Sorry it's long! I just felt like these details were important to the issue and where we are now, though I apologize if I get off-topic! I also apologize for my writing in advance since I'm quite tired and stressed.)

 

My boyfriend and I are in a LDR of almost three years and I've known him for almost four. I'm older than him but he was always mature for his age, and we were both on the anti-social side, non-drinkers, and he had like one female friend from back in high school. At the beginning of the relationship when I expressed in general being uncomfortable with making new female friends because of a bad past with my ex, he said he didn't care about having any or not and either way wanted me to feel comfortable.

 

So flash forward and he goes to university and he changes and seems to go backwards in maturity and is heavily influenced by his classmates, and he starts drinking and suddenly starts adding females from school on FB, to which he reassured me it was all for school and he didn't want to be their friend, and that he was in control of alcohol and was just a social drinker (Though his drinking increased from a few beers to where he started getting drunk). Then he starts bringing up one of their names a lot, and jokes about having a poster of her, and jokes to her that I'm the jealous type before I was coming to visit. And by that time I was feeling mighty uncomfortable because he seemed to be making female friends when he previously told me otherwise, and he was very wrapped up in his new social life and put it first. Plus he seemed to always be either busy with school or with friends and never made one-on-one time with me or shared about his friends like even a name, which made me uncomfortable and upset which made him not want to share type of cycle.

 

I definitely reacted badly and was too jealous out of fear and feeling a bit neglected and not feeling secure in our relationship after he had been unsure about me, and with adjusting to having to share him after it being just the two of us for over two years. Though I never actually accused him of anything. It was this back and forth of us both contributing, and he was doubtful of our future suddenly and was unsure about being with me, but then came around, and I visited him hoping to put everything aside and feel better meeting all his new friends, which I did, and one of the females I felt silly for ever being upset about and I got along with her, but the other one, the one whom he made the inappropriate jokes with and who's name kept popping up, she basically avoided me and made a rather rude comment to me, which hurt when I was nothing but nice to her and continued to be nice while she treated me that way. My boyfriend saw it happen and didn't like it, but he never said anything to her and treated her the same being all nice and buddy-buddy.

I also found out that he had been talking to her privately on FB, which was mostly all about school, but there was chatting too and he used a wink face, though he said it was the context and was not meant flirty, and that he had texted her, which we had an agreement not to text the opposite sex since that was our thing and personal with the distance, and he had only gotten a cell phone to text me actually. He said it was only for directions and reassured me he wouldn't keep doing it since I certainly felt uncomfortable now.

 

I had asked since she was just a college acquaintance back then if he could back off from her and not become like best friends if she was disrespecting me, and he was reluctant but seemed to be on the same page then because after all, why would you want to pursue a relationship further than an acquaintance with someone new who disrespected your SO in a serious committed relationship? And because I felt uncomfortable after everything, I reacted in an unhealthy way and asked him to let me know when he does talk to her privately on FB so I don't feel like they're doing it behind my back if they aren't doing it openly, which I know now was controlling but hey I'm not perfect, I was scared and hurt and I thought I was justified. So then, he had his email opened up, and I've never snooped, but I got a really bad feeling about his trash folder, so I clicked on it and sure enough there was a notification for a FB message. It was only about school and he said he kept it from me because he didn't want to hurt me, but I had been fine as long as he gave me a heads up, so I was hurt that he kept it from me. Eventually when he said it was too much having to tell me, I just said okay and that I trusted him.

 

So basically all that was the catalyst, and from then on for like five months it went back and forth between good and then bad where he seemed to be putting his friends first and doing a lot with that one female, and me feeling uncomfortable and having trouble after everything and needing reassurance about her, and us both contributing badly with those things, and him having a few more times of being unsure about being with me, and then he said he wanted to be her friend and he defended her with how she treated me, and that really hurt and I felt even less comfortable with her and even less secure in our relationship. Then he seemed to be rebelling and making me the enemy. He was planning to propose to me this year and we made it official that I was going to be moving in, but he suddenly felt pressured and wasn't ready and thought I needed to be rescued, when he was the one to always pressure me about moving in and he always talked about marriage.

 

Then one day, we talked again about him wanting to be more than an acquaintance with her, (He also said before he didn't think anything he did was inappropriate with her.) and I said how I would try to work on letting go of what happened and that I was okay with it because after all he didn't like her that way, to which he said he thought he kind of did. I almost left right then, but he said he wasn't going to act on it and that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but that he didn't think it should change anything and he still wanted to pursue a friendship with her. We didn't see eye to eye and a couple weeks later, after him blowing up on me about simple things and acting on the meaner side, and being really weird about things, he broke up with me. Then changed it to a break and said he needed time and wanted to experience being single but that even if we break up he thought we could be friends. I said no of course and didn't contact him, to which he kept contacting me, and he was hopeful we could work things out and that he loved me through everything and just needed time to think and that he would talk to me once he figured himself out, and that he didn't want to make a decision without talking to me first. THEN one night he just says he talked about it with his friends (including her) and got it all out and decided to break up with me for real, for reasons that we were different about things when that wasn't at all true, and the other reasons he didn't know/couldn't explain, and said he knew it was messed up but it was what he had to do. And immediately after breaking up with me the first time he changed his FB status and suddenly he and that girl were liking each others pictures when they had never done that before which struck me as odd, though of course when I mentioned anything about it he'd get defensive and just say don't worry, and he told me no to having boundaries with the opposite sex and said he could like something if he wanted, which I tried to explain I didn't mean in general, I just meant I was uncomfortable with her after everything since after all, he said he liked her!

 

So two weeks of NC go by, I'm devastated and bed ridden with grief, guilt, anxiety, etc trying to figure out what happened and feeling like it was all my fault because I was too jealous and pushed him away, and I just start to feel a bit better and then he contacts me and wants to talk. He says the breakup never felt right, but he has this laundry list of things wrong with me, which actually were petty and not quite right and mirrored his own issues. The only real issue was the jealousy, which I had been working on and I was really okay except with the one friend which everything stemmed from, which he just saw my jealousy with her as jealousy in general instead of looking at why I was feeling that way about only her. And he said he had kept these feelings bottled up and never told me all this time, even though he knew I'm the type to always want to work things out and change for the better and I stopped doing things cold turkey before if they bothered him. And he said he subconsciously sabotaged the relationship to make me break up with him, and was trying to push me away, like saying that he liked that friend when he really didn't, so another lie.

 

So I sent him a well worded email explaining my side and how we both were dysfunctional and both contributed and while it was no excuse, while I reacted in an unhealthy manner, it was still a reaction to something on his part that was not the best. And how maybe if he had gone about things differently and gave me security and etc then I wouldn't of reacted the way I did and felt the need to feel so jealous. He said it was extremely eye opening, and that he realized a lot more now, etc, and we started talking and working things out, and he said he wanted to be 100% honest from now on and make amends and he knew I needed to come first at times (even though he said it didn't matter that I came first, and would go on about how important his friends were.) and then he said that he had been texting his female friends this whole time behind my back since it first started, like half a year ago! He said he was doing it to protect me because he didn't want me to worry, but I told him I needed time to process, because for one he lied for so long, and for two it was with the one female friend! The other I was fine with since he never gave me a reason to worry with her.

 

Through processing I realized my main issue through everything was the way he treated me with that one female friend, how he lied, how he defended her, and how he pursued a relationship with her after everything and just wanted me to be fine, and I tried to calmly and openly talk about it with him how those things really hurt me and made it hard for me to feel comfortable with her now, and how I really needed his help in feeling secure and comfortable with her. To which he said how he realized he created trust issues and handled things poorly, he didn't really have a reason for pursuing a friendship, other than he liked her as a friend and thought she was a good person and friends were new to him and he was rebelling. And he defended her yet again and this time said I must of given her a bad vibe and I must of done something to make her act that way! I kept trying to explain how I was always nice to her and even when she was being disrespectful, and he even saw what she did and his friend saw, yet he just held her in this favorable light and couldn't see it because she was nice to him and everyone else. Though he did say her comment wasn't warranted at least. But he said how I never gave her a chance, which I did, and later he apologized and said how he shouldn't assume and he does believe that I made my best efforts and had an open mind.

 

Then he went out drinking with her and a few friends, and he previously told me he had no intention to get drunk, and he would keep to his limit naturally, and because we had an agreement where he wouldn't get drunk with females, and so I put my full trust in him and went to bed, and then he texts me how he did get drunk. And then he randomly brings up how they took pictures, and them being tame in comparison to the one he sent me of himself, so then of course I question what kind of pictures he meant by that and if he took ones with her, to which he just says making faces, and how he can't remember, and if he did it was just one. And I asked like just a friendly one right? Or do you mean like arms around each other squished together? And he said arms around each other and squished together, and with his arm around her waist. He said he took pictures with his guy friends with his arm around them too, but I doubt it was around their waist! And THEN, he says just so you know there was hugging too. And again I question and ask, like quick friendly hugs right? Or holding hug? And he says ".....holding hug." Like yeah, way to word that. He says that they were friendzoning each other the whole night (again odd thing to say since that implies one of them had to say something suggestive for the other to friendzone them!) and how they were saying they were so glad they were friends and they were hugging. He says he hugged his guy friends too, but I doubt he hugged them like that, and he even said he doesn't remember if he hugged his other female friend, so it's like it's just that one who he's supposedly now close to.

 

I didn't even get upset and all I said was that I understood with posing with arms around the shoulder and quick friendly hugs, but that I was uncomfortable with the others, and he tells me I'm blowing it out of proportion, that I was just never comfortable with female friends and he didn't like it, and that I wanted him to distance himself from a close friend and he wouldn't do it. He also told me that he thinks he is still putting his friends first. I told him how I in no way told him he couldn't be friends or do any of that, just that I was uncomfortable with what had happened and that there needed to be some healthy boundaries that are fair to both of us, and he just goes on about how important his friends are and how he wouldn't say it's quite "bro's before ho's" but that kind of thing, which is extremely backwards because we were in a serious committed relationship for almost three years first and he only became friends with them earlier this year, so it should be equal, not those after me before me.

 

I told him I was severely hurt and peeved and how I didn't want to be treated this way and I haven't spoken to him all week. I just don't know what to do because here I thought we had this chance to be different and he talked all this talk about making amends and not putting others first all the time and not hurting me and helping me to feel comfortable and secure and earning my trust back, but I'm the only one getting help for my issues and making changes and even compromising and being accommodating. It's really hard when he's pursuing me and saying he loves me and only wants to be with me, but how he sees nothing wrong with what he did and how they're just friends and on the same level as his guy friends, and how he thinks context is everything. I still think that was crossing a line, because even if he meant it to be friendly and a different context, that doesn't make it right to do, and you can't use the context principle for everything. I personally don't know anyone who would be okay with a long frontal hug like that with a opposite sex friend whom they've only been really friends with under a year, and after everything that happened with her previously and with our relationship on the mend.

[lerenard]

You answered your own question in your last paragraph. You thought you had a chance to start fresh, and that he will change and make some effort to better your relationship. His actions speak louder that his words. Stop trying to solve this unsolvable tangled relationship, you don't belong together, and you are not compatible.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly- he's gone to uni. People change when they go to uni - they meet new people, they try new things, they are at a time when they do a lot of growing and changing. And that's happened here.

 

He wants to stay with you because it's somethjing familiar, and something he knows, but at the same time all his instincts and are telling him to do something else, and he's in a place and surrounded by people who also make him feel that way.

 

It sounds like this relationship is a dead horse and you need to stop flogging it.

[sophie274]

I think you have been extremely controlling, jealous, and insecure, and I think he is rebelling and rebelling against that. Honestly, I think it is way beyond reasonable for you to be upset when he:

-adds female friends on Facebook

- chats with friends about school and adds a windy face!

- and yes, hugs a friend

I can understand why you feel hurt if she made a rude comment to you (though given how insecure and controlling you are over her I wonder if you didn't over interpret what happened), but I really think part of his insistence has to do with how unreasonable your expectations have been from the start.

 

Either way, you two are not on the same page about opposite-sex friendships, so I agree it's best to let is relationship go. You may want to really dig deep and think about whether you would have the same "policies" in your next relationship. I personally don't know anyone who would agree that they are reasonable.

[lukeb]

A very long post but there is very little about the actual particulars of the relationship. Let me try to get this right, you knew each other for a year in high school, and he has been gone to university for 3 years now doing basically what a lot of students do. Doesn't sound like you ever had a relationship with him, so there is nothing really to break up or get back together except on social media or your fantasies or whatever.

[bulletproof]

What were you doing all this time he was away at school? Were you in school also? Making friends? Going out?

 

My guess is that you weren't, or at least you weren't to the extent that he was, and that perhaps you were not only jealous in the relationship sense, but also in the sense that he now had a social life and you didn't.

 

There is so much dysfunction here it's hard to know where to begin. But here are the main points: 1. Never blame your insecurities on an ex or on a current partner not making you feel secure enough- it's up to you to feel secure on your own; 2. Making deals (which he never should have agreed to) about texting the opposite sex, whether it's okay to like photos on fb or use emoticons, etc., is controlling and unhealthy; 3. "World of Two" relationships, where there is no outside socializing, can be very detrimental. It's natural to socialize and be around other people, both male and female.

 

I think that you need to move on from this but take the lessons you learned. Get out and make friends, even male friends. Being jealous and controlling is not going to serve you well in your life.

[sadchick83]

I went back and read a few of your started posts.....Not sure what you are holding on to here. You seem to be constantly upset about what he is doing at university. From what I recall at university, not too many relationships from "back home" survive. Drinking and socializing are activities that often dwarf actual studies.

 

I also wanted to know your respective ages (you are mid 20's and he is early 20's) to try to give you some advice. A young man away at university is not a good environment to build trust. Its normal. He is out partying many nights, meeting new people and hopefully doing a bit of studying. Unfortunately, you are not a part of any of these activities.

 

I would like to put this delicately. Let him go. There is no point. He is out with other women drinking and making bodily contact and you are going to bed early. Don't you want to enjoy a relationship with someone you can trust?? There are men out there who are very trustworthy.

 

Cut your losses. Why don't you go away somewhere and experience life rather than observe his from a distance? This is not about you controlling your jealousy and insecurity, its about getting rid of someone who is a mismatch. Life is too short, enjoy it while you can.

[ParisPaulette]

It's time to let go of this relationship. It has run its course and you two aren't compatible. And you sound miserable and stressed out and that's not what a relationship is supposed to do. If it and they don't enhance your life it's time to let go and find someone who does. You're both young and you're both changing from the people you were. Instead of worrying about him you need to go out and put together a life of your own with your own accomplishments, friends and interests.

 

Go find something that interests you and that you can be passionate about that isn't a guy. Make that your new focus, change and grow. You'll be much happier than trying to hold on to a past that ended long ago.

[saluk]

"we were both on the anti-social side, non-drinkers, and he had like one female friend from back in high school"

 

He changed. When you date someone younger, even if they are mature for their age, you run the risk of them not being the same person as they go through a transition, especially one as transformative as college. A lot of people are anti social or shy, not because that is their nature, but because they are not in situations in life that make it easy for their true self to come out. It really sounds like he is in a situation he really enjoys, able to socialize etc, where before he was holding back. Most of the things that you guys based your connection on are no longer true, and it is a pretty rare love that survives these kinds of changes, even if it's NOT long distance. When old connections (oh we like the same things! oh our personalities match in this way!) are dropped, you need to be able to form new connections (well, you no longer like x, and I no longer like y, but hey here's this new thing z that we both can like).

 

The distance and differences in your two lives make this reconnecting impossible.

 

The jealousy is not helpful, and something you should look at in the future. But I think it is a symptom of you trying too hard to hold onto something you know is going to slip away. The harder you try to hold onto something, sometimes makes it that much more likely to be lost.

[Mending Heart]

Thanks everyone.

Just to clarify, he felt the same way about things as I did before so we were in mutual agreement about stuff for over two years and he never came to me saying he felt differently and wanted to do things differently, and he himself told me that he didn't go about things the right way.

Plus he was in another college when I met him so I didn't expect him to change so much, and actually that was a concern of mine entering into the relationship with him being younger and growing up, to which he reassured me that was who he was at the core.

And the jealous/controlling/other agreements while I agree were not healthy and something I had started working on, kind of stemmed from that and what he contributed with lies and such mixed with my own issues, but it was all mostly a while ago and they were not things I continued or do now or did before this.

I just meant with what he contributed I had a hard time working through my issues and even when I would respond healthier he still did stuff because unfortunately he has his own issues and dysfunction and a lot that mirrored my own and we enabled each other.

It is true, I was at a point in my life where I lost everything so that didn't help, but until things got bad recently I still had my own life and school and hobbies and etc, and my bf and I are in the same boat besides his new social life from school, though I've changed that for myself recently!

I really have no problem with friends or hugging or etc, it was just the one friend whom things happened with where I was uncomfortable, and with a drunk holding embrace that was more than just a hug.

But yeah I'm definitely working on myself and getting my life sorted because I was miserable and I felt like I went crazy being treated that way and I don't like what I contributed because it's really not who I am, and I spent so long trying to be what he wanted and neglecting my own needs, and I felt like the only one actually doing anything and working on my issues and trying to work together as a team.

It's still extremely hard and upsetting though because past those issues he's still like my twin and we really do love each other, but I'm trying to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can.