Dumped by a 'commitmentphobe'?

[DaisyHope]

I'm mentally and physically exhausted going over everything. I realise the relationship is over and the worSt thing I could do for me is be in touch but I can't help wondering if he'll be back because he just got scared of the next step. We were on paper perfect for each other. He told me I was it forever his friends were told and his friends and family could see his love for me as did mine...which is why this is so crazy that we're now over. It's only been a few weeks and I'm keeping busy. We've been in touch. Always initiated by him but why would a guy end it just because they were nervous about taking the next step. Especially when I said we didn't need to and there was no hurry...I know the answer you'll give is 'he's just not that in to you' but believe me HE WAS!! I'm not waiting around for him like I said I'm keeping busy but I am hurt confused and sad. I'm getting fit for me and wanting to get better for me but can't help but feel he HAS to be back....It could not have gone from forever to over this quickly...????

He's in his late 30s and I'm in early 30s. Can a guy just be too used to living alone and just give up true love for that?? Also he loved me being with him all the time whether it was me staying with him for months at a time or being out with his friends and family. So how could it just change...I really don't see a third party involved either.

commitment issues???? Are they worse as you get older as a man?

[mhowe]

It doesn't matter that there was "no hurry" --- he started thinking about what getting engaged/married would be, and realized he wasn't ready. And likely felt guilty being with you if he didn't see that happening.

 

I think for men, more so than women ---- the whole getting engaged has to be when they are ready on ALL counts. Financially, emotionally, etc.

[chamachama]

Hey Daisy, I would stop all contact with your ex and go NC. Any contact with him will set you back, even if you aren't the one initiating. Pain is coming regardless. Why grab at it?

 

For me, I absolutely HATE the pain and anguish that goes along with a hard breakup. And I am a pretty tough dude in real life. But when it comes to that stuff run from it every chance I get. So when I am going through what you are, I realize that I am in pain and heartache anyway, and I don't let ANY other extra pain even get off the ground. I will always go NC, delete off FB, and get rid of all memorabilia that I can find. I don't want anything slowing my healing process and I want that heartache and feelings of anxiety and loss to hit me and leave me as quickly as possible. It takes time anyway. I won't make it worse by allowing contact of any sort. That's just me, but I do find that if someone follows the same regiment they do heal and get back on their feet a lot quicker...

[Applewhite]

I agree with the above poster. In addition to what he said (which is SO important!) don't allow him to walk away from a relationship and STILL continue having the benefit of access to you for emotional support, ego, whatever it is that he is still contacting you for. He ended the relationship, so why should he also get the benefit of having you as a crutch for emotional support? That is so unfair to you and hinders your healing, and takes away your potential for someone who could replace him and make you happier.

[chamachama]

I agree with the above poster. In addition to what he said (which is SO important!) don't allow him to walk away from a relationship and STILL continue having the benefit of access to you for emotional support, ego, whatever it is that he is still contacting you for. He ended the relationship, so why should he also get the benefit of having you as a crutch for emotional support? That is so unfair to you and hinders your healing, and takes away your potential for someone who could replace him and make you happier.

 

 

Couldn't agree more with this ^

 

By him contacting you, he is being pretty selfish and not at all caring about your feelings or healing process. Don't allow him access to that part of you any longer. He made his decision, and he needs to be ok with the result (being without you in his life). His contacting you helps him cope while doing the opposite for you. Please think about going NC and helping "yourself" heal in a healthy positive way.

[Rainbow1]

Relationships with commitment phobes are ultimately unfulfilling... they will never end in a way that you feel you got closure. You will just feel frustrated and confused... and he may come back to take a bite and then not commit still unless something changes inside him that is a dramatic change. And that could be triggered by losing you completely.

[DaisyHope]

I have gone NC...longest it's been since it happened was 10 days...and now it's coming up to a week of hearing nothing. I'm doing it mainly for me of course and I'm throwing myself into new physical activities which is great but I keep obsessing when I'm alone and wondering how it went from a future to this. I know time will make it easier for me to move on but I can't help but have a bit of me hope he will come back...especially when I still can't see how this really is the end. That's not because it doesn't feel over because it does and it's not because I've not accepted it....I think it's because I can't let go of us and the memories...and I don't quite see how he CAN be a commitment phobe and openly discuss weddings and babies. Being on this forum though has made me realise that can happen though. Urge. Time for my class!! Please work its magic!!

[mhowe]

Commitment-phones can discuss marriage and commitment. They just can't do it when it comes right down to it....and they know it.

[Hollyj]

Being involved with this type of individual - I'm certain red flags were there from the beginning, always are - and hoping they will change, shows your own unavailability. If you were available, you wouldn't waste your time with this guy, but seek something out that is healthy.

 

Is this a pattern in your relationships?

 

Stop waiting around for men that don't want you. You need to value yourself more!

 

I've been where you are, and these people are a waste of time. And please, do not make excuses or think you're situation is unique, as it isn't. Check out Baggagereclaim. com

[journeynow]

"Commitment-phobe" is another word for "Incompatible".

[reinventmyself]

"He's in his late 30s and I'm in early 30s. Can a guy just be too used to living alone and just give up true love for that?? "

 

Yep! I see it all the time.

[reinventmyself]

"" He's in his late 30s and I'm in early 30s. Can a guy just be too used to living alone and just give up true love for that?? ""

 

Absolutely. . I see it all the time

[itsallgrand]

I agree completely with journeynow. Don't over complicate it. I'm not even all that confident reading your post that the man is a commitment phobe. It actually sounds more like a case of he simply does not see a future going forward from here with you. I know it sucks. But if you keep telling yourself that it's because he is a commitment phobe, how are you going to feel if/when he gets with another woman? It's likely to happen at some point. And you'll have been telling yourself that it's just him being scared, and holding hope he'll 'come around'.

 

My own observations; commitment phobes can even marry and have babies. It's not that which makes someone a commitment phobe or not; it's lack of availability to their partner(s). When things aren't perfect, or when they get stressed, or when things are a little difficult. Anything really. People can go through the motions of it - talk all about it, move in, spend copious amounts of time with their partner, even marry and have kids - but emotionally unavailable is emotionally unavailable. I actually think the swing from trying to create really fast n tight intimacy and then running away from intimacy with the same person is a trademark of it. Sort of how you described, everything thing seemed so 'perfect' and he wants to be with you all the time, and then suddenly ; not at all.