We broke up 2 months ago; we're also colleagues&and we had sex 2 times! What now

[Buco24]

Ok I'm not sure where to start but I felt writing here. I read so many posts and it made me feel better.

Excuse my English, I'm not native and live in Germany.

So here we go..

 

My ex and I work together.. We started dating 1 1/2 years ago and broke up like 2 months ago.

It wasn't going very well.

 

In April this year we broke up the first time but it only lasted for two weeks. He said he's not loving me anymore but got back with me again.

We even went on vacation in July.

But after that I had the feeling that he doesn't care for me at all.

 

First I have to tell that I'm his first long term girlfriend. I'm 33(the female part) and he's turning 30 in December.

His last relationship and the longest before ours was like 9 years ago and only for 6 weeks. But he was in grief because she dumped her because of another guy.

 

Well like I said I was his first real girlfriend. Before we got together he was totally insecure. He told me that he never would've thought that I would even consider being with him. He said he thought of me as being 2 levels above him and that I would never be with him. I gave him strength and self confidence. He was afraid of having sex and I made him love having sex. We even tried so many things out.

 

He has lots of friends, guys and girls. He had them for the last 10 years, most of them. All this time he was single and they've spent a lot of time together. And then I came. The girls in his 'group' we're kinda jealous and I was jealous of them sometimes, but I have to add that they weren't nice to me at times. He couldn't see it. He said I was just jealous.

 

Then I heard that his friends were talking about us as BuJa and that was the first time he broke up with me.

I always thought that his friends have lots of influence on him.

Then he started saying I need more time with my friends. There were days where I was at his place alone when he met his friends. (We didn't live together)

 

The last few weeks before we broke up were like hell on earth for me. I couldn't do that any longer. So one Sunday while having breakfast I confronted him with some stuff. And then he said ok I can't do this anymore. We won't be happy anytime, I have no feelings for you and so on..

 

We wrote emails and letters after that. He went on a one week vacation with a friend while I was feeling like I was dying here. I had to see him at work every day. After he came back from his vacation and the week before that I was sick so we hadn't seen each other for two weeks, he came back to work. First I was so 'cool'. He couldn't believe it. I was talking normal to him but made my sister tell him that there's no way us being 'bros' anytime ever!

 

And then I recognized him coming in my room at the office and asking stuff he could ask someone else. But I also realized I was doing the same.

 

And then we started texting for the last two weeks and ended up in bed last Friday. I was out with friends and totally drunk. And we were talking about sex a lot the whole week so I took the next taxi and drove to him.

We had sex, 3 times. I slept over. The morning after was weird. I didn't know how to leave so I just went without hugging or kissing him.

 

We texted on Sunday again and on Monday I again drove to him and we had sex, 2 times but I didn't stay over.

On Wednesday we had 'cybersex'. On Thursday we barely texted. Yesterday we haven't seen each other and also today. Nothing it came nothing.

 

On Monday at work we spoke a little bit. And he told me that he thinks it's good how it is right now. I don't think he wasn't talking about sex. He meant being not together. That too much happened and that it'll take it's time till we're at zero again. And I only was like do you really think I'm still in love with you?! I'm not. But he thinks it. And hell yeah I am!

 

Like two weeks ago we met at a park to talk after I wrote him a letter. But I'd didn't beg in that letter I just admitted my faults. I think after that conversation he was all perplex me talking like that. I told him that I don't even know if I ever would consider coming back with him ever again.

 

He said in an email before that I had a jealousy problem and needed help and should go to a therapist. And you know what? I went to a therapist and all she said was you're totally strong and don't need any help and that I don't have any psychological problem.

 

After our second 'sex-meeting' he said that if I'd tell anyone he'd never talk to me again.

He always says that he's a mind person and I'm a feeling person. But that I can get him to turn his mind off when we're talking about sex.

The first time I went there he said that I should think about it. That sex never was the problem and that it won't solve anything.

 

I don't know if anyone can understand what I wrote, it's totally mixed up. But there's so much to say about it.

 

I feel so weak! And really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what he wants. I'm not even sure if he knows what he wants.

 

We even talked about marriage and having kids together and now that.

 

What am I supposed to do?!

Please can someone give me an advice??

 

I've decided not to text him for now and wait if he does it. But he didn't the last two days. I know he was partying hard last night and also tonight. I thought maybe he'd think about me and text me when he's drunk but he didn't.

I don't think of him as a guy with being ok with just having sex, he's not that type of guy but what does he want from me? Our sex is great and we laugh a lot together but why did he stop texting me?

 

Ok I think I wrote more than enough, I hope someone manages to read it all

 

Please help me feel better!

And I hope you guys understood my English ;-)

 

I wish that everyone gets what he wants!

Fingers crossed for everyone!

Take care! xxx

[SpottiOtti]

BuJa - does that mean boyfriend/girlfriend?

 

I sense from your post that you are very confused and ambivalent about the relationship, and are not sure what you want. It sounds like one of those "I don't love you enough to make it work for real, but I care about you enough to not leave you alone" type situations, on both ends. Been there myself. You have to simplify it somehow, get to the bottom line. Some questions to answer that might help:

 

1. Is marriage my ultimate goal in a relationship right now, or am I looking for something else?

2. What things do I feel I have the right to ask for in a relationship of any kind?

3. Can this person provide me with the things I need in a relationship?

4. If marriage is the goal - can I see myself marrying this person as he is right now? (Because this is likely closest to the person he actually is.)

 

Post more if it helps. Take care of yourself, focus on you.

[Buco24]

@SpottiOtti Thanks for answering.

BuJa stands for Burcu and Jan I think they tried to be funny like brangelina..

 

It's true I'm not sure anymore about what I want but I still can say that I love him although I am really hurt.

 

Marriage is the ultimate goal in a relationship but not now. I couldn't even think about that right now. The only thing I want is to be happy again with or without him. Seriously I'm sick of all that. I couldn't really eat for weeks, I wasn't having fun although I tried going out, I couldn't concentrate on anything but him..

 

I just want a guy loving me the way I am. We both made too many mistakes and misunderstandings were also a topic.

 

And honestly? I'm not sure if this guy can provide me with the things I want or need in a relationship. I think he's immature, insecure and inexperienced. I've been in two long relationships, one 6 1/2 years and one 3 1/2, I think I have more experience than him.

 

And you're right I can't imagine marrying this guy the way he is right now I'd be too afraid of him leaving me again. I can't feel any commitment. Maybe he's afraid of getting too serious or he thinks he will miss something.

 

When I start thinking about how he mistreated me I get really angry.

 

But why can't I stop thinking about him or tying to get him back?!

 

I made him feel like king louis. I've always been a very strong person but I wasn't anymore in this relationship.

 

What you wrote is an eye opener and my answers say it all but my heart doesn't wanna hear it

 

I can't even imagine dating other guys. When I'm out there's no one I feel attracted to.

 

I think I'm an hopeless case..

 

Take care of yourself and thank you! x

[greta96]

On Monday at work we spoke a little bit. And he told me that he thinks it's good how it is right now. I don't think he wasn't talking about sex. He meant being not together.

 

 

After our second 'sex-meeting' he said that if I'd tell anyone he'd never talk to me again.

 

This is all you need to know.

Of course he likes how things are now, he gets to have sex with no strings attached, and he can also have sex with other women too if he so pleases, because you're no longer his girlfriend! But if he gets horny enough, he has you to sext, and even take a taxi and give him sex. He is taking full advantage of the fact that you are in love with him and would do anything for him, basically he is a jerk, and you are letting him get away with it.

You've been downgraded from the status of "girlfriend" to that of a "f&ck buddy", and once that happens, there is NO CHANCE of getting back together, none.

If you wanted him to miss you and maybe regret you after he dumped you, you should have cut contact right away, and under no circumstances have sexual conversations and sex with him. Once you do that, any chance of ever reconciling is gone. Lesson to be learned for next time.

 

I would think he is already dating another woman, or has someone else on the radar, since he wants you to stay his dirty little secret.

 

Seriously...stop doing what you're doing, you are only hurting yourself and setting yourself up for more heartache. He'll use you for sex and drop you as soon as his new relationship is taking off. Stop having sex with him and stop letting him mess you up!

[ParisPaulette]

So he likes the sex, big deal. Lots of people like sex and can enjoy that without any feelings at all. In fact, you can have great sex with someone you don't even like or yes, even hate. The bottom line is you've been demoted from girlfriend to sex buddy when he feels like it--is that what you want? And at the age of 30 only having you as his first long-term girlfriend means nothing with how he's acting or not acting. It is an irrelevant factoid that does not give him either a pass or a reason for why he's behaving the way he's behaving.

 

He did the relationship thing with you for awhile and now no longer wants to. He like the sex part though and wants to keep that and knows exactly what you want to hear and hope, so plays on that and uses you for his jollies. It will be up to you to decide what it is YOU want and for you to go after that. In short, you need to decide for yourself whether you're willing to accept that demotion. Would you be okay if your job suddenly told you that you'd been demoted to janitor, but they still need you to sometimes jump in and lend a hand on your old job, because they like the way you did that one particular aspect of the job? Only now you get lower pay, canceled health benefits, and yet somehow find yourself doing the same thing you used to get higher pay and health benefits for.

 

That's what this is if you look at it in the harsh light of day. It's not okay for an employer to do that and it's not okay when a former partner does it either. Act accordingly and either accept you've been demoted to part-time sex buddy or put your foot down and tell this guy you quit and he needs to get out of your life except for work. And if he tries to retaliate you'll take it to HR and make his life H at work for doing so.

[Buco24]

I wrote a reply to each of you but it disappeared

So I'm writing one reply now.

 

All of you guys are probably right.

I don't think he's already seeing someone else, he's just concerned what others might think about him. He can't live with the idea someone might think he's a jerk. That's why he wants to keep it as a secret.

 

I let him demote me from being his gf to a sex buddy, that's right and that ing hurts.

 

First I enjoyed his warmth again and of course the sex but I admit because I had hope that he'll come back again.

And I was afraid to say anything because I thought I would lose him once and for all.

But you're right. I'd rather lose him once and for all than being just a sex toy for him.

 

I want love, passion, commitment.. And I think I have to accept that he's not the one who can give it.

 

I had many breakups before but it never was that hard for me. It might me because I've always been the dumper not the dumpee.

 

This coming Friday to Saturday our company will be on a seminar over night. I'm a little afraid of that day.. We always end drinking with the company and I'm not sure what'll happen then

 

I've decided not to text him anymore and at work just to talk to him when necessary, no fun no jokes.

 

I just wish that it goes by fast. That's the worst feeling ever!

 

Thanks to all of you guys for answering me.

 

Take care of yourselves! x

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Supernova1607309611]

You have to stop and think about what it is you really want, and whether he is offering you what you want and need.

 

so if all you want is an f buddy this is fine, but if you want a regular BF it is not. And frankly if anyone told me what he told you, i'd dump them (i.e., that he'll never speak to you again if you tell anyone you are hooking up). You don't want to be anybody's dirty little secret. That is degrading and humiliating and he's using you while he is probably cultivating other women and will cut you off entirely when he has one firmly in hand.

 

Treat him like any other work colleague. Cut off all the personal communication, and don't agree to meet him anywhere alone. Stop thinking of him as a BF because he has clearly rejected. If you are tempted, repeat to yourself, 'i am nobody's free hooker' and walk away from him. Because basically that is how he is treating you now, and you deserve better than that.

[catfeeder]

And frankly if anyone told me what he told you, i'd dump them (i.e., that he'll never speak to you again if you tell anyone you are hooking up). You don't want to be anybody's dirty little secret. That is degrading and humiliating and he's using you while he is probably cultivating other women and will cut you off entirely when he has one firmly in hand.

 

I agree with this, and my heart goes out to you. It's hard enough to get over someone without working with them everyday. You'll need to stop holding the image of this guy as some innocent who's newly awakened to his first sexual relationship, because he's awake now--to the idea of spreading himself around.

 

He's also fine with using you as a sexual placeholder in the meantime, and that's not what you want to set yourself up for.

 

So allow him the experience of missing you while you take the focused route of getting over him. Your grief is natural and nothing to be ashamed of--but do it in private. Stop the contact except for what you can handle at work. Ask your friends not to inform you of anything they learn about his social life--and kill all social media connections.

 

I'd even go so far as to weigh whether this particular job serves your career path as effectively as any other job would, because if you can break your work ties to this guy, you can start a fresh vision for your life.

 

This would allow for the guy to catch up with you if he ever recognizes that he's made a mistake while you're still available--otherwise, you're liberated from daily contact and he doesn't get the privilege of seeing you during your most vulnerable state.

 

Write more if it helps, and we're here for you.

 

Head high.

[Buco24]

Seeing him each day is killing me. It is so hard! I can't wait for the weekends where I don't see or hear him.

 

I'm also not sure about keeping the job. But all my friends, even my bff of more than 20 years, work there and I'm feeling great working there and I don't know if it's the right thing to leave that job because of him.

 

He even invited me to his 30th bday party. But I'm sure not going. And I really don't understand why he's doing that. How am I supposed to act there? He will be to me like to everyone else and I can't live with that.

 

I pray to god that he ever recognizes what he's done to me. But I hope that I'll be strong then and don't want him back at all.

 

I can't remember that anyone ever hurt me that much before. My last two relationships which were very long we're toxic but I got over it why can't I get over this one?!

 

So I should quit any contact right? No more texting, no more talking, only if it's not avoidable, nothing.

 

But he's so sure about me that I can't leave him. I don't know how to take that feeling away from him. I want him to regret everything he's done to me, but I'm sure that'll never happen

 

Thanks guys! It feels good that you're listening and giving advices! That means a lot to me!! x

 

 

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[Supernova1607309611]

You can't make him regret anything. He wouldn't be doing what he is doing if he thought there was something wrong with it. He sounds arrogant and selfish, and people like that think about themselves and not you.

 

So don't waste your time. Next time he tries to hook up with you, just tell him calmly that you've thought about it and are not interested in a FWB situation and need to just take it back to being strictly a work relationship, so you won't be seeing him or talking to him about anything other than work, and he needs to just move on and stop contacting you. Then you just ignore him from then on. If he tries to bother you and to continue to try to get you to sleep with him, then you tell him if he doesn't leave you alone, you'll tell everyone what he is doing (which you already know he doesn't want you to do so it should be enough to get him to leave you alone). You don't have to be rude or emotional, just very matter of fact as in, 'i know what you are interested in from me, but I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me and is not what I am interested in, so it's over and we both need to act professionally and move on and only discuss work when necessary from now on.'

 

So take your own power and control back! You know what is good for you, and being someone's dirty little secret is horrible for you, so stop doing it. Doesn't matter what he wants, you have to do what is right for you, and that is cutting him off entirely and blanking him out and going about your business. It hurts right now, but eventually you won't care about him anymore and will see how selfish he is and not be interested in him anymore.

[Buco24]

That's unfortunately right! He's selfish, arrogant and egotistical.

 

Do you think I should have a last conversation with him where I tell that I don't want that anymore and he should decide what he wants?! Or just stop doing anything? Ignore him completely?

 

That's right I have to start doing what's good for me and get my power back!! I feel so weak and powerless. I really wish to get over him asap! The situation right now just sucks.

 

I really can't live like that anymore!!

 

Thanks again for listening! x

 

 

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[catfeeder]

Do you think I should have a last conversation with him where I tell that I don't want that anymore and he should decide what he wants?! Or just stop doing anything? Ignore him completely?

 

Noooo, no more conversations--consider it conversed to death. Just be civil at work but stop all other contact. If you can pull off appearing generally cheerful at work, that would be a bonus to both your pride and your goal of showing him that he's not 'all that' to you.

 

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. I'd make it my goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back. I wouldn't over-do it, I'd be subtle about it, but I'd be determined to direct myself forward--and this challenge will cause me to rise to my own bar.

 

Head high.

[Buco24]

Thank you so much!

I will try exactly what you said. I will keep you updated how tomorrow was. I hope I'll have the strength to be all cheerful and happy and that he thinks what's going on with her and that he's not the king for me anymore!

 

Please keep your fingers crossed for me!!

 

I'm a little afraid of tomorrow though!

 

 

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[catfeeder]

I hope I'll have the strength to be all cheerful and happy and that he thinks what's going on with her and that he's not the king for me anymore!

 

Don't over do it, or you'll be obvious. People know when they're being manipulated. Nobody does an about-face on a dime.

 

I'd be pleasantly professional. And I'd also be patient.

 

Go you!

[Buco24]

Haha thanks I'll give it my best!! I'll keep you updated tomorrow about what happened

 

 

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[Buco24]

Ok so I tried to ignore him yesterday but it didn't work really

 

Then we started texting again until we went to bed. Today I had school first and then work and he texted me some random stuff when I was still at school. What does he want from me?! I have the feeling that's he's not sure himself about what he wants or what do you guys think about that?

 

I'm looking forward to any messages from you

 

 

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[Buco24]

Update:

 

So we texted back and forth almost every night. We again had sex. Last night I couldn't help myself and asked what he wanted and feels. If he tells me I will to. He said he has the feeling that I want him back as soon as possible. I said no I don't know what I want.

And then he told me he liked talking to me and making fun and having fun and so on. That although we're spending a lot time together and text a lot he doesn't feel like being in a relationship. That he doesn't want to think about tomorrow/future, that he's living the day. That works stands on the first line, then he himself and his body and the casual sex.

But that he still has the feeling he can't be or act like himself when I'm around. We've been on a seminar with the company and I tried to avoid him but again we texted there although we were sitting in the same room. My friend and colleague said that he was looking at me the whole time.

Then I told him last night that I enjoy spending time with him but that I also know that it can't go on like this forever otherwise we'll get used to it and that we both aren't persons like that.

 

Then he asked me if I want a decision from him and I said no.

 

I told him that I can't say I love you without thinking about it. That I don't know what I'm feeling for him.

 

And again I said I like spending time with you but it can't go on forever!

 

Sometimes he's acting like he's still my bf and sometimes he's ignoring me or just acting like anyone else.

 

But we broke up on September 14th, don't you think that he'd had enough time to be sure what he wants?!

 

Please help me! Don't know what to do!!

 

I drew him a picture for his birthday, it's on December 13th. I won't be going to his 30th birthday party though he invited me. But I can't be there like anyone else and just as a 'friend'

What am I supposed to do?

 

Thanks in advance!!

 

 

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[mhowe]

First of all...stop texting.

Secondly... Stop having sex.

 

He now knows how to push YOUR buttons and get what he wants. Sex without commitment.

 

Which is making you miserable...and yet you keep doing it.

[kbbcoop77]

You got all the right advice in the world and 24 hours later you are having sex with him again then come back and ask what should you do..? Wow.

[Buco24]

I just we went to bed, I in my bed and he in his, that was 24 hours later. I had sex with him almost ten days after.

 

It is not that easy. I know that it's wrong but I just can't resist. I am too afraid of losing him for all good. But I know it can't go on like this forever that's why I plan on talking to him right after his birthday to end it.

 

You could be nicer though. I feel like being in a black hole and there's no way out. I'm reaching for any small advice to wake up that's why I'm writing here.

I will probably do mistakes again and again because I'm still in love but I know that the day will come when I wake up and stop doing any further mistakes.

 

And I'm here to wake up sooner than going on like this for a longer time.

 

I just need people around to tell me how it is, that's why I'm here. Not to be judged and hear how pathetic I am. I feel lost and hearing how stupid I am doesn't make it any easier.

 

Thanks though!

 

 

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[kbbcoop77]

Oh I'm sorry I misunderstood and I didn't mean to sound uncaring, I know breaking up is hard. Honestly it does sound like he is taking advantage of you. One day after so much pain you will see cutting him off completely is the best way to heal, but maybe you're not ready yet to do that and will get there at your own pace. Good luck and sorry again

[Buco24]

Yeah it's really hard no worries, I know you didn't mean to sound uncaring

 

I know he's taking advantage of me. He doesn't want me with everything but at the same time he doesn't want to let me go.

 

That's exactly the problem I think I'm not ready to cut him off completely but I know I have to do so sooner or later.

 

I want to love and be loved again. And if it's not him then someone else. I just don't have any power left to fight

 

And thanks! Good luck to you too!

 

 

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[kbbcoop77]

Well at least you know where you stand with him. Maybe take the time to slowly detach emotionally then, like dumpers do while they plot their scheme to dump you. Know what I mean? Just tell yourself this is going to be over soon but enjoy him while you can..not sure if that's possible but it sounded good when I thought it hahaha! Good luck to you

[Buco24]

Haha I know what you mean I will see that as a vacation which is over soon like any other vacation too.

 

I really think I still need some time to detach emotionally. I hope it doesn't take that long though!

 

Thanks again for your good wishes and advice!

 

 

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[catfeeder]

I am too afraid of losing him for all good. But I know it can't go on like this forever that's why I plan on talking to him right after his birthday to end it.

 

Well, you're setting yourself up to be discarded as soon as he finds the next girl, and that won't be less painful than walking away with your dignity now--it will be more painful.

 

You don't need to wait for his bday or any other day--and you don't need to have a 'talk' to get him to leave you alone. You can just stop engaging with him when he tries to set up his next booty call. No explanations necessary.

 

If you want to keep playing this out to it's logical conclusion, you can do that--but you're the one suffering for it, and you're also the one who'll need to keep reliving rejection all over again while he keeps his options open and keeps you a dirty secret.

 

And nobody called you stupid--a member raised a perfectly valid point, and that's supposedly what you're here for. Would you rather people encourage you to keep hurting yourself?