I hooked up with a guy my friend likes

[Lovelavie]

I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend about a month ago because she cheated on him with a friend of ours (let's call him K) who she started to fall in love with and decided to end her relationship hoping to be with him. However, he wanted nothing but a one night stand with her and he never tried anything with her again even though she thought he was in love with her too. She's the youngest in our circle of friends and a bit immature when it comes to boys, so she didn't handle it very well.

 

This friend always used to hang out with us and I always felt attracted to him and I felt that he did too, however I was in a relationship and I stayed away out of respect and love for my BF. I recently broke up with him because he felt he wanted "freedom" and wanted to go out with his friends and be alone... This happened last week and it broke my heart. I'm picking up the pieces slowly and getting back together in place. This weekend, on Friday, we all went to a bar, my friend and K were there too and she told me he would probably try to hook up with me. I told her I wished he would hook up with her since she likes him. I took some E and it made me very sleepy so I went to the back of the bar and sat on a chair to sleep. I wasn't sick or anything I was just sleepy. He then stayed with me for the rest of the night (4 hours), and he took care of me like my boyfriend had never done, he was so sweet and caring (which also made me think if my relationship with my ex was really that good) and he kissed me and I ended up kissing him back. I felt horrible because I knew my friend liked him and she was there (she didn't see it but she knew) and he told me he never wanted to be with her and that he was always crazy about me but I was in a relationship.

 

The next day I apologized to her and we were ok. Later that night he asked us to go over to his friend's farm house. It was just me, her and another girl friend and K and his friend. At first everything was ok and I made a deal with him that we would not hook up again, even though we both wanted to, it was best to leave it alone at least for a while. We arrived there, started drinking, dancing and talking until all of them went outside and left K and me in the living room. I told him we should go outside and told him I was going to the bathroom and I would meet them outside. When I got out of the bathroom he pulled me into a guest room that was all dark and asked me to kiss him and said he couldn't resist me. I got mad at him and right when I was talking to him my friend passed in front of the room and thought we were hooking up. She then started yelling and slamming doors because our other friend was trying to hook up with the other guy and she felt alone there. I told her I didn't want anything with him, that he went after me and she wouldn't believe me. We were all drunk and crazy because of the ecstasy we took and it was chaos for the next half hour and K got p*ssed and her and said he didn't want her friendship anymore and that they would never be together.

 

She then went to bed, and my other friend went to the other room with the guy. We stayed in the living room chatting but I ended up kissing him again. Then my friend went to the room that the other two were in and they slept there. There was just one more room left so I went to try to sleep and we slept on the same bed. I wanted him so bad. We messed around a bit but I told him we shouldn't have sex, I would feel even worse if I had sex with him so we didn't. Now he wants me to go the beach with him and his friends this weekend and said I could invite my girl friends except for that one friend. And he calls me, talks to me everyday, things we didn't do before... I'm afraid because of two things: I feel VERY attracted to him and I kind of see him as a friend with benefits, but I don't know if he sees it that way or if he wants something more down the road, we have a lot in common, we love to party and we're very easygoing but I just got out of a relationship and that is the last thing I want to think about, and I don't know if I should go to the beach with him, I REALLY want to and I already have a friend who wants to go with me, but if I did... it would be something none of my friends would know about, they would just know I'm going to the beach with a girl friend... I just want to go to have fun, and be crazy but I also don't know if I should lie to my friends.

 

The friend who likes him now is mad at him because she felt like she broke up with her BF for someone who isn't worth it and she said that I could hook up with him if I wanted to, just not in front of her, but I feel like if I did she would get mad at me... so I don't know. Help!

[HeartGoesOn]

Sorry, I lost count of who "hooked up" with who.

[Lovelavie]

Um ok. No need to be rude.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry, I just find your thread difficult to follow.

[Lambert]

Seems like this is kind of messy..... If you are still healing over your last relationship, then I would probably not get involved in this situation... For one its a lot of drama and you have your own emotions to work on.

 

Secondly, if you aren't that into him, why hurt your friend?

 

And lastly, he said he was always into you.... If you aren't equally into him that's not fair to him.

 

If you are just looking for a friend with benefits, then go find one. You don't want to hurt someone knowing you aren't ready.

 

Go to the beach with your friend on your own if you want to go.

 

Don't be a user.

[tiredofvampires]

D.R.A.M.A.

 

There are a few golden rules here, but what is the chance that you'll follow them? I hate to say this, but when the things you list as interests in common are partying, taking ecstasy, and drinking, the first golden rule is going to be hard to take, but here it is: don't put yourself in situations that are likely to cause you and others confusion and hurt, when your brain isn't in full possession of your best judgment. Lust is enough to throw many people off center all by itself, minus all the other substances and tempting factors; you're playing with fire when you're looking "to get crazy". Crazy you'll feel afterwards, then.

 

So here are the other golden rules:

 

1. Do not lie to your friends -- eventually, people find out what you're up to, and then it's clear you've been untrustworthy and have betrayed them; men come and go, friends (at least the good ones) are the people who have your back when things fall apart.

 

2. Make sure everyone is on the same page: transparency of intentions with everyone involved.

 

3. Clearly communicate to this guy what it is and isn't that you're ready for or want.

 

4. Be as honest with yourself as you've been with everyone else -- what are you ready for, and if you do something you don't feel quite ready for (sleep with this guy), how will you handle that? Are you prepared for feeling overwhelmed and confused? Then what? Play out some things in your head and see where they take you.

 

5. Don't show up to any situation where you feel you may lose control of yourself, and it's a set-up to do something you'll regret; learn from your own lack of impulse control what your limits are.

[LC8328]

All I can add to what everyone's already said is that I know how ecstasy works... I've been there. Just saying... if you really don't want to get more involved with this guy and hurt your friend's feelings, don't go drinking with him and don't do ecstasy...especially while around him.

 

Yes, the two of you are attracted to one another, but imo you need to pick your friend or this guy...and then draw the line clearly.

 

Otherwise, this drama will keep going on and on.

[SooSad33]

How about you all avoid this becoming a big mess?

It's affecting all of you. Well you 3.

 

You and our friend are both fresh out of a relationship? Either of youshould be hooking up right now and deal with your own recent BU's.

 

How about you give this guy some distance and admit you're not ready for anything right now so you don't go messing your own mind up again.. going from one relation to another.

Don't use him.

 

Work on keeping your friend.

 

And maybe ease off on the drugs too?

[Tanzi]

All I can add to what everyone's already said is that I know how ecstasy works... I've been there. Just saying... if you really don't want to get more involved with this guy and hurt your friend's feelings, don't go drinking with him and don't do ecstasy...especially while around him.

 

I agree. I was going to try and put forward some constructive advice but once I realised that drink and ecstasy were involved I decided against it. It just sounds like a lot of teenage drama to me that is likely to continue until they grow out of the drinking-more-than-they-can-handle stage and stop taking ecstasy.

[Lovelavie]

I agree that it all looks like teenage drama, it really does. But we're not teenagers anymore and I wish this could be resolved in a simple and mature way. However, I just recently found out that this friend made up a bunch of lies about K and her and told different stories to each of our friends including me, and when we all sat down to work this out, the stories didn't match.

 

K doesn't want to be her friend anymore yet she keeps going after him even though he's made it clear he wants nothing to do with her and she keeps obsessing about him. He asked me to dinner and he wants me to go on this trip with him so clearly he's not into her and she's making up stories in her mind that he is!

 

And about the ecstasy and drinks it happens every once in a while, but this drama has been going on for months and I feel like there's no need to hide that I want to be with this guy (not in a serious way) and that he wants to be with me. I just think it's immature on her part and I have to keep hiding it from her.