What do I tell gf regarding a co-worker/boss I used to be close with?

[wondering731]

I want to start off by saying thanks to those who responded to previous posts. I've been going through several changes in my life and am slowly starting to learn what's right and wrong.

 

I started seeing someone who I like a lot. My friend/main boss asked me to bring her to dinner. She agreed. The people that were there are pretty much family. One however "Boss B" is someone I used to be close with but after being insensitive to her gave me the silent treatment other than for work purposes. I have learnt to only talk about work related matters and only speak when spoken to and this has gone on for several months.

 

During dinner everything seemed great and it seemed like my date had a great time meeting my "family". She told me she had fun too. When we got back though she hinted that something is going on between me and boss b. I told her no... she's pretty much my boss and that I have the greatest girl with me now. She brought it up again and I smiled and told her sincerely that I have no interest in anyone other than her. Her response was "if you say so".

 

What should I be doing? I don't know what raised those concerns. Boss B sat next to me and maybe touched my leg a couple of times to get my attention. I responded and turned back to my gf. At the end I hugged everyone other than Boss B. Other than that I don't know what else I did. The relationship was never sexual, we would just hang out and talk endlessly. Noone knows of this. Should I be telling her anything? Any advice is welcome.

[mhowe]

Tell her the truth, because her imagination is worse. Compounded by the fact that you treated B different from everyone else.

[panther]

Yes you should. Especially since her gut feeling already told her there was something different about this person.

[Clinton]

The truth shall set you free.

 

You have kinda lied about it twice now though so expect some blow back when you tell her.

[Supernova1607309611]

OK, here is something really important I have learned in my career.

 

Your job is not your 'family' and it only leads to trouble when you try to mix the two. I have seen so many bad situations develop watching people try to mix business and pleasure and it is just not worth it and not appropriate to get too enmeshed in the personal lives of those you work with.

 

I have seen some HUGE betrayals among people who started out as work friends, got too enmeshed together as friends/romances, then it exploded into disaster on both personal and work fronts, with all kinds of betrayals and drama involved.

 

So you are going wrong by seeing people at work as your family. You need to separate work and private life and keep them firmly apart. it doesn't mean you can't be civil and friendly to co-workers, but don't get them involved in your private life or try to turn them into personal friends.

 

You need to start backing off those relationships and stop doing all kinds of things with them outside of work. For example, it is OK for a group of co-workers to go for a happy hour now and again, and to attend work parties together, but private dinners at each other's houses, no, and private meals outside of work, no, and sharing of personal details of your private life, who you are dating, how you feel about them, emotional issues, family issues, NO!

 

I've seen people make the mistake of thinking someone they work with is a permanent and close friend, and in the end some kind of betrayal/change happens. So work is work and keep it that way.

 

How do you handle it with your GF? You are honest with her. And then you tell her that you think that people at work are getting too enmeshed with each other in a non-professional manner and you are going to chill that out and quit associating with them other than for work reasons.

 

And if it is a really bad/toxic/enmeshed relationships, you might need to change jobs and go work for a more professional company. Things ultimately do not go well when you blur work/personal relationship boundaries too badly. People will make business decisions that will hurt your feelings because you thought you were friends, or they will make unprofessional business decisions related to you because they are angry at you personally. So they just don't mix and you need to take this back to a professional level before it gets worse.

 

Your GF is probably picking up on the fact that your workplace's boundaries are blurred and messed up. She may not necessarily be jealous, but see it as wrong. No boss of anybody should be putting her hands on your legs etc. and having conversations with you about your private life. You need to fix this and fast or you may lose your GF, and ultimately get into big trouble at work.

 

Find your friends outside of work, and keep your co-workers as co-workers and nothing more. If you leave the company and there is someone there you'd like to turn into a friend that is fine, but only AFTER you leave and no longer have the work association.

[SooSad33]

Did you go from something for Boss B to this other one now?

[Batya33]

Of course a co-worker touching your leg a number of times would raise a flag of some sort. Tell her the truth, and as soon as possible.

[Clinton]

I have to disagree with the.previous post from Supernova. I've been in the work force over 35 years. Some of my best relationships have been with coworkers over the years. I've worked at some companies that do have a family atmosphere.

 

Where I'd draw the line is dating a coworker. Other than that, there's nothing wrong with close relationships with work colleagues.

[Supernova1607309611]

^^

Why are you encouraging unprofessional behavior when it is already causing this OP trouble? First he has trouble with Boss B because a friendship explodes, and now he is having trouble with his GF because Boss B is grabbing his leg at private parties and the tension is evident.

 

The professional advice in all cases is to keep your professional relationships professional. The world is full of people you can be friends with, and it doesn't have to be co-workers where the relationship should stay professional. There are all kinds of legal issues involved these days as well, from sexual harassment to allegations of preferential treatment to unfair firings.

 

Recent cases I have seen is of a boss at work who befriends and takes people too much under her wing... these people manipulate and use her to get an easy life at work, then later on if the woman didn't promote them or give them some perk they like or feel they deserve, they turned on her and stabbed her in the back and alleged 'unfair treatment' when frankly this woman had been giving them too easy treatment for too long and they acted like spoiled children when they didn't get everything they wanted from the boss. Her reward for trying to help/befriend these people was a stab in the back, and a lot of other resentful people who felt this boss was 'better' friends with some people than others and hence not fair to everybody as she should be professionally.

 

I've also seen it create cliques like in high school, where there are groups of people at work who are 'tight' friends and exclude other people from that club and create a hostile workplace for those who don't make it into the 'club' of close buddies. This can lead to serious conflict at work when those alliances/friendships cross the line and they all start to gang up against each other along those friendship lines.

 

It's not that you can't find people you really like at work (because you can), it is the question of whether those personal relationships will interfere with work, or people will be treated unfairly/inappropriately due to those relationships, either for the better or for worse, both of which cause issues and can be legally questionable.

 

So professional advice is to keep it professional, and search for your friends elsewhere for your own good and the company's good as well.

[Clinton]

If you are talking dating, I agree it's a bad idea. Other relationships are fine. I met one of my very best friends on the job. I know literally dozens of people who have friends they met at work.

 

After a certain age that's where you meet people.

 

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences but I'd say they're the exception and not the rule

 

Ps

The relationships you form at work generally help you with your career. People build teams of people they trust and are comfortable with. If you are standoffish you may find it hurts your career.

[wondering731]

Is there a good way or good time to say it?

[Supernova1607309611]

Well, i think you could start by telling her you were a bit concerned that she seemed upset by that dinner and how that Boss B. behaved. And that you can reassure her that nothing sexual ever went on with her but that people at work get too much in each other's personal business and it creates these weird tensions/alliances. And if there were circumstances that led to this woman chilling out you or behaving awkwardly with you, tell your GF what happened.

 

And tell her that you intend to distance yourself from personal relationships at work, especially with females if that makes your GF uncomfortable because there is nothing there and you don't want anything to be there and it is better to stay professional. Work is work, but your GF is the person you should be allied with personally, and you shouldn't let any work friendships interfere with that.

[Supernova1607309611]

btw, since your GF is already on guard about this, do NOT go for afterhours activities with these co-workers or she'll wonder what is going on. Spend your out of office time with your GF and other male friends who aren't co-workers, and include your GF in those activities. Show her that you're not enmeshed in these weird personal situations at work anymore, and that you don't intend to let them impact your GF and your relationship negatively.

 

It is perfectly OK to attend things like work christmas parties (and be sure to bring your GF), but ramp back on any other out of office activities that aren't 'mandatory' like formal office parties where everyone's partners are invited.

[amipushy]

Just tell her the truth, that you used to be good mates but you said something she didnt like and now you dont really talk anymore. If she asks what you said then tell her. Be open and honest with herand dont make this bigger than it need be.

 

If she loses her trust in you its as good as over.

[wondering731]

Did you go from something for Boss B to this other one now?

 

There was no dating or sexual involvement with Boss B. Aside from that, yes. There was no dating between the time she gave me the silent treatment several months ago to the time I started dating my gf. I had to figure out my priorities in life in many regards so took the time off to do so.

[Clinton]

As has been said, tell her the truth. But I'd draw the line at never going out with my coworkers for drinks. If your relationship can't stand a night out with friends, your relationship is in pretty deep trouble. You either have trust or you don't.

 

If you don't, it's doomed to begin with. And do you really want to spend your life always under a cloud if suspicion.

 

Tell your ex the truth, avoid Boss B, but keep the rest of your relationships intact.

[wondering731]

As has been said, tell her the truth. But I'd draw the line at never going out with my coworkers for drinks. If your relationship can't stand a night out with friends, your relationship is in pretty deep trouble. You either have trust or you don't.

 

If you don't, it's doomed to begin with. And do you really want to spend your life always under a cloud if suspicion.

 

Tell your ex the truth, avoid Boss B, but keep the rest of your relationships intact.

 

Thanks! It's almost impossible anyways to say no to my main boss. He's my best friend and has been personally paying for me to get trained and flies me out to seminars to try to learn the business better and join him in the future. I think I have my answer, Much appreciated again.

[ParisPaulette]

You tell the new girl the truth. You and Boss B were once friends, nothing more, then she got mad at you and now she acts strange around you. And you don't want to lose your job, so you don't rock the boat. End of story. If the new girl can't handle it then so be it, but yeah even I found the fact this woman snubs you but would touch your leg in front of your date to be just flat-out inappropriate.

 

It almost sounds like she wanted to cause trouble or something. Just give Boss B a very, very, verrrrry wide berth and next time don't sit next to her or put your girlfriend between you two. Totally inappropriate behavior on her part for touching your leg to get your attention.

[bulletproof]

btw, since your GF is already on guard about this, do NOT go for afterhours activities with these co-workers or she'll wonder what is going on. Spend your out of office time with your GF and other male friends who aren't co-workers, and include your GF in those activities. Show her that you're not enmeshed in these weird personal situations at work anymore, and that you don't intend to let them impact your GF and your relationship negatively.

 

I don't think it's a "weird personal situation" to have been friends with someone, have a misunderstanding, and then no longer be close.

My closest friends are people I met at different workplaces. It's not inherently bad to develop personal relationships with people at work, in my opinion. Can it go badly? Sure. But to never engage because of that fear is kind of unrealistic.

 

And they should both be secure enough in the relationship for the other to be able to go out for drinks with coworkers, male or female.

[SoulTaker]

There are a lot of things wrong with this update. First, they're not your family, especially management. I'm not sure where you learnt that from. If your main boss (best friend) has other people to manage that you're competing against, then that's an incestuous situation in the workplace.

 

Also, what does "used to be close with" mean? It looks like you're glossing over your situation with Boss B (whatever "Boss B" is supposed to mean). It was more than just talking.

 

Why did you bring a date to a "drama" situation? There's no "maybe she touched my leg". Either she did, or didn't. This "no one knows of this" is pure nonsense. It's a lack of common sense to bring someone you're dating into that type of situation.

 

You probably come accross to her as being deceptive, and lying about things. It's not the boss that your female friend is concerned about, it's you. She now has trust issues with you, just as some of us have with this update (making yourself to be the victim).

[wondering731]

There are different positions like directors and such. I'm their support. No competition in any sense now or in the future.

 

In regards to "used to be" , my previous posts about her show I was a jerk and insensitive to her and I was clear about how. Ill rehash for you: I laughed along with her friend when she was making fun of her, and she used to enjoy holding my hand and I pulled away the last time she tried. There might be one more. I didn't feel the need to detail since I have in previous posts. The forum made it clear that I was a big jerk and should leave her alone. I tried to disengage but she made it clear that I need to come.

 

In regards to bringing the date, I wasn't the one that invited her and I didn't think much of it since I don't talk with Boss B anyways. Someone in the forum suggested I offer a general apology to Boss B and I did. Her response was that the thing with her is she only looks forward. I took that to mean that there's nothing to talk about and let's just have a work relationship. And in terms of touching my leg, they were taps, so yes "maybe touching".

 

I think that kind of says everything. If not let me know. I'm not a victim. I am trying to learn how to be better by being less coarse and sensitive. I feel like this incident felt like a wake up call of some sort to realize I can hurt people and need to work on myself.

[SoulTaker]

Thanks for the clarification. My take on this is that going the route of pacifying (can't think of a better word) the gf with remarks such as "greatest girl with me now" made the situation worse. It's as though you're concealing something.

 

The better route would have been to apologize to the gf for bringing her to a function that caused her to be uncomfortable. Just because your friend invited her, didn't mean that you had to bring her. I would never bring someone I'm dating to a function that included someone else I was personally involved with, especially a boss (holding hands is enough to have crossed the line). Then again, I would never get involved with a boss.

 

You can't wait until something goes down, and then say "oh, I forgot to tell you about this person".... I don't know about your company's "business conduct guidelines", but I'm guessing that it wouldn't condone managers getting involved with workers underneath of them, let alone tapping the legs of a co-worker. Once, trust issues set in (with the gf), it's difficult for them to fade away.

 

BTW - Why were you sitting next to boss B? Did you try to stay away from her, and she deliberately placed herself next to you?

[wondering731]

We were all in one organization. My friend and I left to the place we are now. That's when me and boss b started texting alot and then hanging out and talking. She made it clear we were friends from the start and then called me her brother even when hand holding so I never thought anything of it. At some point later on she came on board with my friend.

 

I sat down first at the table and she was last... Don't think there was any intention on either end.

 

I tried apologizing but you're right in terms of.the trust and don't think this'll end up working out. I guess I know for the future .

[Natasha24]

Hand holding and "hanging out, talking endlessly" with a boss..

Like others have mentioned, this is kind of an odd work situation. It's good that you get along with coworkers but this is a little too far in my opinion.

 

I think you should tell your girlfriend the truth. "I used to be close friends with Boss B, but she got mad about something trivial and now we only talk during work hours." And in the future, don't hang out with Boss B outside of work. This sounds like drama just waiting to unfold.

[wondering731]

Hand holding and "hanging out, talking endlessly" with a boss..

Like others have mentioned, this is kind of an odd work situation. It's good that you get along with coworkers but this is a little too far in my opinion.

 

I think you should tell your girlfriend the truth. "I used to be close friends with Boss B, but she got mad about something trivial and now we only talk during work hours." And in the future, don't hang out with Boss B outside of work. This sounds like drama just waiting to unfold.

 

I did tell her. Things are pretty rocky at the moment. I didn't gloss over anything. Told her we were friends and acted like a jerk and now we only talk about work. She asked if there's anything else she needs to know about. Like I said, rocky terms now

 

It started after me and main friend left one place where we were all in. She joined later. Although I call her Boss B the only person capable of firing me is my main friend. I'm support for them. Hand holding and talking doesn't necessarily suggest anything sexual. It could just mean she enjoyed my company at the time so I'm not sure what would be so wrong with it.

 

I can't imagine any drama unfolding. My take on it all is talking with boss b make's me feel like I'm an afterthought of an afterthought to her. I do get a lot of support from them teaching me different areas of the business and hope to move on and start fresh in a couple of years.