What do I tell gf regarding a co-worker/boss I used to be close with?

[Supernova1607309611]

>>I laughed along with her friend when she was making fun of her, and she used to enjoy holding my hand and I pulled away the last time she tried.

 

Wow, just wow! She's your boss and you were holding her hand? And then openly making fun of her in front of other co-workers? WILDLY inappropriate in terms of professional behavior and the business world.

 

Of course your GF is picking up on the fact that something inappropriate was going on there, either between you and this boss or just at the company in general. I suggest you 'move on' and start fresh somewhere else IMMEDIATELY and do some reading up on what is professional and appropriate business etiquette before you get sued or fired somewhere for sexual harassment or inappropriate behavior.

[wondering731]

>>I laughed along with her friend when she was making fun of her, and she used to enjoy holding my hand and I pulled away the last time she tried.

 

Wow, just wow! She's your boss and you were holding her hand? And then openly making fun of her in front of other co-workers? WILDLY inappropriate in terms of professional behavior and the business world.

 

Of course your GF is picking up on the fact that something inappropriate was going on there, either between you and this boss or just at the company in general. I suggest you 'move on' and start fresh somewhere else IMMEDIATELY and do some reading up on what is professional and appropriate business etiquette before you get sued or fired somewhere for sexual harassment or inappropriate behavior.

 

Unfortunately, she's not my gf anymore. I did tell her and the trust was broken.

 

I'm pretty much tied down to where I am for the next year at least for reasons stated above. Also the friendship did start after I had left one organization to go to another. She came on board (for a second time) later on.

 

Yes... I'm an idiot... The main advice I got from the forum when I posted about her in the past was that I'm an idiot and stay as far away from her as I can. In an effort to stay away, she made it clear that I need to come to functions when she invites me. She looks at me as if I'm an after thought and I don't say anything to her unless she asks something so not sure what else I could do to make things more normal.

 

I guess in the future I'll have to make sure to separate work and personal situations.

[Batya33]

I don't think you need to separate work and personal situations. You need to separate flirting/touching from work situations. Now you have time to keep that distance and enforce that distance so that by the time you bring a new girlfriend into the mix it won't be an issue. And at that point I would not mention the past because it truly will be in the past -in your case the inappropriate behavior was still going on.

[wondering731]

I don't think you need to separate work and personal situations. You need to separate flirting/touching from work situations. Now you have time to keep that distance and enforce that distance so that by the time you bring a new girlfriend into the mix it won't be an issue. And at that point I would not mention the past because it truly will be in the past -in your case the inappropriate behavior was still going on.

 

Thanks for your input Batya. I feel like that was the case this time (that it was all in the past). How do I enforce the distance? I've done everything I can to eliminate initiating any contact. I've never really had this situation before. I've only been in relationships where the break up is mutual and there's room for NC and healing, or if it's a friend that's a girl, the stonewalling or silence treatment would happen when they got married so I understood in a way.

 

In terms of flirting... I explained above the touching of my leg were taps, and mainly to get my attention to say something. One time it was to pass the hot sauce. Is that really inappropriate? How would I enforce subtly for her not to do that without making her uncomfortable? At this point, any interactions I've had of late makes me feel like I'm in the neutralist of territories and that I'm just an afterthought to her. I definitely don't want this situation to happen again, but I don't want to go from neutral to negative with her either. If I caused her to stonewall me in the past, I think I caused her enough discomfort to never do anything harmful or negative to her again.

 

I felt like I was starting to build a strong foundation with the now ex-gf and within moments it crumbled. I understand I should've been upfront, but I wasn't and felt like I justified me not lying by telling myself that nothing was going on with the boss at that time. Wrong all around. I just want to move on from all of this.

[Batya33]

Make sure you are not sitting next to her at any gatherings. Place a briefcase between the two of you if you need to sit near her for some reason. Yes it is inappropriate of her to touch your legs to get your attention -she can give you a quick tap on the shoulder if you are turned away from her and if she must talk with you right then.