Red flag: an angry drunk... is this mental abuse?

[lifeisaparadox]

My boyfriend gets really angry when he drinks. After that happy nice drunk buzz, -anything- can trigger it. He'll be very great and happy, but I could say anything wrong. My boyfriend is very insecure as well as he has trust issues (mostly from his past relationships, and I was honest and told him I've cheated before but I only did once). So for example, if we go out with our friends to a bar or a party, normally I don't drink that much. But there have been times, multiple times, where a guy talks to me while he's with his friends OR I am texting someone who is a male friend and in this drunken stage he will freak out.

 

By freaking out, he will get mad at me and call me a , a , a , a . He'll assume I'm cheating on him and yell out all these accusations like you're cheating on me or you're talking to other guys aren't you, you . He'll suggest to break up so that I can sleep around.

 

FYI: NONE of this is true. I've been faithful since day one. He mistook one of my conversations with an old male friend of mine as "talking" (we were simply catching up after 3 years of not talking and of course my texts may have seemed a little friendly but nothing I would consider cheating).

 

I talked to his best friend about this and he told me that he gets similar treatment when he is drunk, except in a different way. His best friend has told me that he often yells and says really mean things, things that the next day he always apologizes for.

 

This is a huge red flag I know and I haven't paid much attention to it when he calls me these names, but it does hurt for him to call me those names over and over again. He also says things he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings like "I can do so much better than you" and more. He's called me ugly before as well.

 

As a sober person, he's VERY nice and friendly. He treats me like a princess and gives me the world. He's amazing when he's sober. But when he's drunk it's like he's a different person once something triggers it. I don't know what to do... should I break up? I've talked to him about this and for a while he has controlled his drinking and kept it to a minimum. For about 2 months he's been a nice good drunk. However, last night, we went to my friend's birthday and he got really drunk and it happened again. What do I do in this situation?

[mhowe]

Forget the angry ----- why is he getting drunk all the time? He has a HUGE drinking issue.

 

He can't drink in moderation --- he is an alcoholic.

 

You leave. Because until he accepts he can't drink, he won't stop.

Save yourself a lot of heartache, pain and misery. Leave now.

[lavenderdove]

I have some really strong advice for you here.

 

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and in some people can really bring out the monster in them. And if he is an angry and abusive drunk, then there can be zero tolerance for drinking because not only the mental abuse, but the potential physical abuse there. It hasn't happened yet, but is very likely to happen once he feels he's got you 'trapped' (like after marriage and kids).

 

So you need to tell him that given how he behaves when drunk, he needs to stop drinking, entirely and completely, never again, or you're gone. And you need to stick to that resolution. If he is going to be with you, then he is going to be a non-drinker and never drink again because you don't want to live in a Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde type situation. If he won't agree to that, then dump him. And if he does drink again after promising not to, then dump him. You need to protect yourself here, and can't even begin to think about bringing children in such an abusive situation either, so you can't get serious with him unless he quits drinking entirely.

 

He's learned he can get away with murder if he apologizes. The hard part (which he doesn't want to do) is to quit entirely. If he was REALLY sorry about it, he'd quit drinking. So make that your bottom line. He becomes 100% sober, or you're gone.

 

Nobody 'must' drink, it is a choice. And if he chooses to drink then he is choosing to let that nasty inner monster of himself out. He doesn't really care how awful he is to you if he continue to drink and let that monster loose on you, he want sto drink more than he wants you if that is the case.

 

My father was a binge drinker and great when sober and a nightmare when drunk, so i have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior. It did horrible damage psychologically to all of us in the family, and he physically abused my mother as well... not all the time, but often enough. He eventually did get sober, but only when she told him it was sober or she was done and would clean his clock in a divorce.

 

You need to take the same hard line with your BF, or else he will trash your life if you let him, and get worse as time goes on and when he feels he has more leverage over you (i.e., you're married/pregnant/kids etc.). Life with an abusive drunk is a really miserable and painful existence, so don't sign up for it. And if you do decide to continue with him, don't marry him for YEARS until you are sure he has stopped drinnking for a long long time and intends to stick with it.

[DancingFool]

The simple and short answer to that is you dump him.

 

I can't even agree with the above advice of giving him ultimatums and hoping he'll change. He doesn't in fact have some massive personality change just because of alcohol. The meanness is already there inside of him and the alcohol lowers his inhibitions enough for it all to come out. When he is sober, he is able to suppress it and filter things to a point, but if put under stress and pressure, I guarantee you that the dark side will come out even when sober. I do agree that he has already learned that he can use alcohol as an excuse along with apologies and people will give him a pass on the whole thing. It doesn't cost him anything, so he can keep on doing it. That might be fine when you are just friends, but quite a different story when this is a person you have to live with every single day. Run don't walk. Run. Avoid at all costs getting involved or attached any further and don't even try to "fix" him with any suggestions or ultimatums. One way or another the dark side of him will come out and it will be taken out on you. Only a matter of time.

[jul-els]

I have been seriously involved in two separate relationships with alcoholics. If you wish to remain healthy yourself and not be dragged down into the pit of co-dependence that comes with being with an alcoholic, then you must sever the relationship. There is no other way. His drinking is solely his responsibility. It has nothing to do with you and you have no power whatsoever to do anything about it. The only healthy option you have is to leave. Anything else is a dead end. I speak from experience.

[abitbroken]

You don't deserve that treatment. Being accusatory and yelling, etc, when drunk can also eventually lead to physical violence. I echo the others that I would leave this guy.

[bulletproof]

According to your other threads, this whole relationship has some issues.

It sounds like he drinks way too much, to start with.

And taking out his anger on you, whether he's drunk or sober, is unacceptable.

 

Also, and this is really important: his insecurity issues are not from his "past relationships." It's his problem, for HIM to resolve.

[blackgnat]

Do NOT continue this relationship!

 

Things will only get worse unless he gives up drinking and that in itself is a monumental undertaking when he is a regular drinker.

 

We have a lot of alcoholism in our family. My son is an addict and alcoholic and when he drinks he is EVIL. It seems to trigger the most incredibly violent and aggressive reaction in his brain. His drinking has escalated to a point where he is now in jail (I think this is his 13th time) and has a domestic violence felony . Facing prison time.

 

He put me in the ICU for five days four years ago, by punching me so hard that I had bleeding on the brain.

 

All of his life's mistakes have come from the fact that he is a violent drunk. When sober, he is delightful company, intelligent, artistic, loving and sensitive.

 

There's a very fine line between verbal and physical abuse. Don't wait for his anger to devolve into violence. Dealing with a person who drinks and is angry is WAY too much for anyone to have to put up with.

 

Tell him you cannot continue to have a relationship with him while he is drinking. Then get the hell out. Take it from One Who Knows!

[blackgnat]

double post

[ParisPaulette]

Abusive relationship period and your boyfriend is an alcoholic. One who will be lucky if he doesn't wind up in prison or on death row even after his drunken rages lead him into doing something rash like killing you or someone else. Yes, it's that serious and I'm not even kidding about that. The only thing that could make this worse is if he were to take up meth or crack.

 

Get out now while you're alive before he gets to the point verbal abuse is no longer enough. When you couple alcohol with anger and it's a given every time it means very bad things are on the way if not already here.