When to start dating again...

[pfbsurf]

So, second round of NC (now going on 10 days FULL nc..)

 

Seems that it should be a bit easier but this past weekend was terrible. I've been drinking a bit too much, not working out, sleeping late. So - habits aren't helping. But I have resisted the strong urge to reach out, so i guess i can be happy about that.

 

Anyway, the first time around -this past summer, - it was 30 days of hell, then I started going on some dates. Met one girl and we dated for about a month. She was nice but i wasn't ready and we probably werent' a perfect match. However, just the fact that she liked me and was attracted to me helped me recover and get my self esteem back.

 

Now, i sort of hit the rewind button because of the brief reconciliation ex and i had a few weeks ago, and am now dealing with the consequences.

 

I really just want to go home and sleep at night, and have very little/no interest in meeting other women, BUT, i think that maybe i need to fake til i make it?

 

 

I very much want to get the old me back - but think that this relationship has crushed me. I have a pretty cynical view right now of women/dating/love... On the other hand, this could just be depression/getting older, things i need to deal with hopefully outside of a relationship.

 

Thougths on this? Was thinking about just setting up an online account and dipping my toe in.

[t1lersm0m1]

If you are cynical, you are NOT ready to date. Once you've let go of the past, and have no chances of punishing future mates for the hurt caused by past mates, then you are ready.

[reinventmyself]

""Anyway, the first time around -this past summer, - it was 30 days of hell, then I started going on some dates. Met one girl and we dated for about a month. She was nice but i wasn't ready and we probably werent' a perfect match""

 

You weren't ready then. . .you are certainly not ready now.

 

I will say this because I bump into guys just like you. Don't go on a 'date' if you aren't ready for 'dating'

Dating is reciprocal.

 

You need to have something to offer. . emotionally. Unless you are clear up front that you aren't looking for anything but just want to make friends I suggest you take your time and grieve your loss. Don't date to gloss over the feelings and use it as a way to boost your self esteem. Those of us on the other side would appreciate it greatly

 

On the other hand. . I am sorry. . Breakups hurt. . no doubt about it!

[pfbsurf]

If you are cynical, you are NOT ready to date. Once you've let go of the past, and have no chances of punishing future mates for the hurt caused by past mates, then you are ready.

 

Trust me - I don't want to be cynical. Its just that now, at 48, my only two serious relationships have ended with SO cheating.

 

I used to be a very positive person, but this has sort of seeped out of me over the last several years. I know that I need to be the best "me" in a relationship, I just worry that I am also going to isolate myself and lose what i have left of my desire and ability to be a good partner...

[HeartGoesOn]

Many will attempt to fill the void by rushing into another relationship right off the bat, while trying to bypass the healing process. Not only is this likely to be followed by regret, but having to do a complete u-turn, resulting in starting over at square one again.

 

My guess is that the time it takes to heal and get your head on straight, trumps the fear of being alone, by a long shot.

[pfbsurf]

Thanks. I am sure you are right. It just hurts.

 

I dated pretty casually for 8 or so years post divorce, and for the most part enjoyed it immensely. But i hadn't really put all of myself in until this last one.

 

I suppose that i will know when i am ready. It doesn't help that my ex is most likely on the dating circuit having a grand old time, while i just want to say in my bed and feel sorry for myself.

[pfbsurf]

the 4 week relationship this summer did help me get on my feet - i suppose this sounds selfish. BUT, i did let her know that i wasn't looking for anything serious and that i still had things to work through re my ex. She appreciated that and we parted ways.

 

I keep reading that we have to be happy alone etc. but look around and see everyone paired up and just wonder if i'm destined to be single Thats a normal feeling i suppose, but also a bit of a pity party.

 

I guess objectively I have to say that the issues i NEED to deal with - drinking to avoid stress and boredom, a tendency towards depression, fatigue, and a pretty massive case of low self esteem (which i can say was not made any easier by my ex's behavior) - All of these things would be unacceptable to bring into any sort of relationship, even a casual one.

 

Time to work on myself i guess....

[reinventmyself]

All very typical thinking post-break up. Everything seems catastrophic. In time it will not look so bleak. . Just know the way you feel is `normal' relatively speaking. It helped me to know it's the grief talking and not really the way things are.

 

It will get better . . in time. Unfortunately, I am sorry to say, there are no shortcuts.

Hang in there!!

[t1lersm0m1]

Hopefully, once you've healed, you'll get to a place where you know that most people are inherintly good, and that the ones you experienced that cheated were the exception, not the rule. When you can think of dating knowing that there is a chance you are gonig to get hurt, but being open to finding someone even knowing that that chance exists, then you're ready.

 

If you go out saying I've been cheated on, I don't want to be cheated on again, then you aren't being open to dating and the whole experience.

 

I've found that once I knew what to expect and hope for, and became open to it, I've done much better at dating. I'm currently taking a year off to fully get my head on straight, but I'm finding the year is no longer necessary, but I'm gaining a lot of clarity in taking the year to be single and become the best me possible.

 

You'll get there. Give it time.

 

Thanks. I am sure you are right. It just hurts.

 

I dated pretty casually for 8 or so years post divorce, and for the most part enjoyed it immensely. But i hadn't really put all of myself in until this last one.

 

I suppose that i will know when i am ready. It doesn't help that my ex is most likely on the dating circuit having a grand old time, while i just want to say in my bed and feel sorry for myself.

[pfbsurf]

Time to embrace my lonileness!

 

OK, i will go with your advice ENAers. For now. No dating.

 

Focus on work, kids, self. As i write this, i am getting a bit of a good feeling. Some certainty about my near future. With no one but me in the picture. Maybe i'll start a new thread about the joys of being alone

[t1lersm0m1]

It doesn't have to be lonely. I'm finding that I am really starting to enjoy my company. I go to parks and play with my DSLR. I treat myself to sushi. I hang out with friends. Being single doesn't have to be lonely.

 

Time to embrace my lonileness!

 

OK, i will go with your advice ENAers. For now. No dating.

 

Focus on work, kids, self. As i write this, i am getting a bit of a good feeling. Some certainty about my near future. With no one but me in the picture. Maybe i'll start a new thread about the joys of being alone

[deejay74]

Time to embrace my lonileness!

 

OK, i will go with your advice ENAers. For now. No dating.

 

Focus on work, kids, self. As i write this, i am getting a bit of a good feeling. Some certainty about my near future. With no one but me in the picture. Maybe i'll start a new thread about the joys of being alone

 

Hey there! It's been a while. I know how you feel, man. But, I'm in the same boat. I want to date, yet, I don't feel ready and like reinventmyself mentioned, we have to be able to bring something emotional to the table.

 

When you start on the thread of the joys of being alone, I will join you because I am learning that (again) as we speak. And, I have gotten better since I was posting here regularly.

 

You have my support!

[reinventmyself]

I will join you in the `joys' thread as well.

Honestly. . the loneliest I have ever been was in a marriage. .just sayin'

 

I have been out of a relationship since the first of May. I waffle here and there. I dabble in internet dating but make excuses not to follow through.

 

I have good days and some bad but I will tell this. . there is a lot of dignity and reward in learning to be alone and liking it.

 

Not quite there yet. I have been there in the past and I trust I will again. It's a pretty good place to be.

 

It is far better than globbing onto someone who is likely not an appropriate match because we are uncomfortable alone. Besides we make better choices when we are in a good place.

 

I like the saying . . `when you're hungry, you'll eat anything'

 

Get comfortable and work at filling yourself up!

[IAmFCA]

Echoing...

 

"The loneliest I have ever been was while I was in my marriage"

 

When I lived through this, it was a revelation.

 

Being alone is SO much better than being coupled AND alone. At least as a "single" person, we can do what we like. We have social networks (or not, working on it...) that support us, we can issue invitations and it isn't awkward that we are forever without our spouse, we can go where we want when we want.

 

Being married, I was always having to find friends to go with me to things, because, well, it was awkward to be alone. Being single, I am lauded for doing things alone.

 

Best? Finding that right other person, and reveling in it. Short of that, I am choosing single, as hard as it is, over mismatched. Hands down, no contest.

[Ms Darcy]

I keep reading that we have to be happy alone etc. but look around and see everyone paired up and just wonder if i'm destined to be single Thats a normal feeling i suppose, but also a bit of a pity party.

 

Time to work on myself i guess....

 

Alone is what we all are really. Relationships are great, but as you have seen they can and do end.

 

Tyler's Mom is right. Don't date if you feel resentment towards women and love. Sounds like resentment + emotional unavailability = punishing a new girl as a surrogate for your ex.

[Tanzi]

I know I am probably repeating what has been said but just to reiterate .....

 

If you are feeling cynical then you are in no way, shape or form ready to date. Not only will your cynicism rub off onto these women but you would be using them as rebounds and they could end up being left confused and hurt by your actions. There is no point in unnecessarily hurting others.

 

If you want to get the old you back then only you can do that. YOU need to find the old YOU. You won't find yourself when you're hiding amongst a multitude of rebounds.

 

 

I know that I need to be the best "me" in a relationship, I just worry that I am also going to isolate myself and lose what i have left of my desire and ability to be a good partner...

 

You cannot be a good partner if you are not emotionally available to the women you are dating. Even if you tell them that you don't want anything serious, it won't necessarily stop them from falling for you and hoping and hanging on for me.

[Tanzi]

It doesn't have to be lonely. I'm finding that I am really starting to enjoy my company. I go to parks and play with my DSLR. I treat myself to sushi. I hang out with friends. Being single doesn't have to be lonely.

 

I agree. I decided to take some significant time out after my last relationship ended. I have been single for around 18 months now and for the first time ever I can honestly say I am totally happy by myself (and I'm no spring chicken either). That's not to say I wouldn't like to be in a relationship but it doesn't feel like it is necessity in my life. I don't feel as though I need a partner to feel complete or to feel validated in some way. I'm thoroughly enjoy life at the moment and I don't feel lonely at all. I can still have the odd down day but, for the most part, I am happily getting on with my life and, as such, I am happy to wait for the right person to come along.

 

If you have to push yourself into something, you could be pushing yourself into something you would otherwise clearly be able to see isn't right for you. It would be a case of "out of the frying pan and into the fire".