Back to closure?

[pfbsurf]

Well, now I'm really moving on.

 

Seriously.

 

Not kidding.

 

But some rambling thoughts about "closure" something that I had been searching for over the last few months..

 

My most recent posts were about re-connecting after almost 3 months of LC. I received some great advice, most of which i ignored.

 

We got together three times. The last time, last thursday, was a simple, fun date, and a conversation. Seemed like some finality. Other than that, no real interaction...

 

But... it hasn't been easy. I thought I could see her and be detached. Nope. The feelings came back, the depression started creeping in, the worry and jealousy. The sleepless nights. The feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. The great memories too, but too much of that was clouded by the mistakes and bad memories.

 

I guess i'm in limbo - head and heart stuff. I know the reality, but obviously don't feel great about it.

 

I've deactivated my facebook account. Haven't blocked her #. Yet. But i don't plan on talking or texting. If i do, it will honestly be one last time - one email or mildly heartfelt goodbye text. there is a piece of me that feels that this might be the right thing to do. Is this still a need for closure? For that matter, what the hell is closure?

 

For the last few months, i have had questions, some of them are now answered. She DID care. She still does, just not enough to make things "work". She feels badly about the way she treated me. I mattered. Crazy for me to care that much, so tied to my being "needy", but I'm done fighting that part of me. I loved her, and still do. I'm angry at her, but I'd rather focus on the good times. Life is too short.

 

She's not crazy or a bad person. She wants to be in love, wants to be married. I was just not her guy. Her friends thought I might be. She even thought that for a bit. She made some mistakes. I guess i did as well, but in the end, tried to walk away with my dignity.

 

In any event, none of this leads to closure. My fantasy of closure is her saying all the right things, and my waking up the next day feeling great about life. It is still my clinging to her opinion - nothing more or less.

 

There are things i know, that i don't need her to tell me. I know that we are never going to be a couple again, and most likely that it would have been a very tough long-term match. I know that what she wants - a guy to love who will also take care of her financially - is just not my profile. She wants Mr. Big. Maybe that is why she is almost 45 and NBM. But still, not important.

 

So what is "closure"? I think at first, it is just a way for us to try and move on from very difficult emotional questions, and ideally, to have someone else give that to us.

 

I guess it is a better understanding of myself and others, and of relationships, that comes out of the joy and pain of the last 12 months. To be grateful but also clear-eyed. Closure is what happens when you really fall out of "love" and infatuation. No amount of interaction - emails, texts, conversations - with her is going to get me there faster than time and separation and my own view of myself.

 

I still will be up tonight, will still have lingering feelings, will still miss her, but I won't have any illusions. I've got a lot of work to do, but now I know its all about me, not anyone else.

[mhowe]

Closure is what happens when you accept what is.

[Tanzi]

Closure is something that you find within yourself. Rarely do you get closure by texting "one last time" or by sending a goodbye email because, despite what you may otherwise tell yourself, you WILL be hoping for a reaction or you will want to know how your text/email was received meaning you will still be searching for answers.

 

Closure comes when you finally accept that it's over and you really have to let go and move on.

[t1lersm0m1]

We use this delusion called closure. What we really hope for with closure is that they will tell us what we did wrong so we can fix it and they will take us back. When we say we want closure from a partner, that's what we really mean.

 

Closure is knowing that you are a good person who is going through a break up but that break up is not the end of the world and you will heal to love again. That's closure.

[ParisPaulette]

The concept of "closure" originated as a way for people to let go of a loved one that had died, often unexpectedly. It was a psychological exercise designed to help people in their grief or to perform some sort of ritual as a means of laying the past to rest. And then somewhere along the way that concept, like others before it, got twisted to mean a whole lot of different things. The one I see the most, and the one that I feel (my personal opinion, not saying it has to be anyone else's) is the most harmful is this weird idea that an ex had to give you a blow-by-blow of why things didn't work out and then you'd be able to move on. And that closure had to come from outside of you, usually from the person who dumped or hurt you.

 

I have no idea where that concept came from, but I think it's a bad one for a number of reason. First, many exes won't have a specific reason. Or if they're toxic they may give a person false reasons. Or they may have no clue what happened either. And none of it usually makes the dumpee feel better anyways. Most of us are not hardwired to hear brutal truths and walk away unscathed and in demanding someone else give you "closure" you basically abdicate all responsibility for your own feelings and life, essentially handing the reigns to the other person and demanding, "Make me feel better about you breaking my heart." Not.going.to.happen. Besides none of us wants to hear,"Well, I really was never that into you to begin with, but I hoped time would change it since I'm getting rather desperate about being single," or "that hot girl/guy at work finally gave me the green signal that they'd be interested in dating me, so now I have to break up with you and move on since I wasn't that in love with you," to "we just drifted apart, I have no idea what happened, do you?"

 

I think you personally already have closure. You have come to accept what is, that while she cares you just aren't the one she wants to marry, that life is too short to hold on to anger. These all sound like you've come to the stage in grief and healing of acceptance and it's only uphill from there.

 

Real closure comes from within one and it's provided by you, not by anyone else. You can look back and say, "Well, that was good/bad but I'm moving onward and upward." And you really feel that in your heart and then you do that. That to me is true closure. And it sounds like you're already there, ready to let go of the past and see what's out there for you in the future. Good luck and be well.

[pfbsurf]

Well, i'm at the point where i can say the words - ...onward and upward - sort of believe it, just don't feel it in my heart.

 

But that is less about her or the relationship and mostly about me and how I see the world. And MOSTLY, what is on my mind is how to be content and "alone". I vaguely recall enjoying my single life But boy, a relationship, even a slightly screwy one, sure can be fun and rewarding. Until it isn't...

 

The closure that I am thinking about is just a better understanding and maybe a more positive outlook.. I guess i get sort of obsessed with figuring things out - but some puzzles are unsolvable.

 

Thanks though for your nice thougths... Very eloquent.

[mhowe]

Then figure out world peace, the mystery of Easter Island, Stonehenge ----- or why socks disappear from the washer.

[catfeeder]

Closure is a buzzword people use to excuse the desire to go back for more of this:

 

The feelings came back, the depression started creeping in, the worry and jealousy. The sleepless nights. The feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

[Tanzi]

The closure that I am thinking about is just a better understanding and maybe a more positive outlook.. I guess i get sort of obsessed with figuring things out - but some puzzles are unsolvable.

 

Thanks though for your nice thougths... Very eloquent.

 

No-one ever gets a better understanding of why someone they are in love with - and who was once in love with them - does not feel the same anymore. Mostly because that person doesn't know themselves why their feelings have changed and they can't give you any specific answer. No matter what words they use to try to explaining it, you will always be left thinking "buy why?" Most people want to know what they did wrong. Most likely they didn't do anything wrong. Feelings can unfortunately change. When you can accept that you won't get the answers you are searching for, then you will get the closure.

 

As for gaining a more positive outlook ... again, when you have accepted that you can't change what IS and stop hanging on to the past you will be able to look forward with an increasingly positive attitude.

 

Closure is acceptance ... on many levels.

[miss_sunshine]

Thank you for this post. I really enjoyed reading it and you think in a very similar way to me. My mind is thinking many of the things you have mentioned.

 

I think a lot of the reason we struggle is that we do not love ourselves enough and we define ourselves through what other think and constsntly seek others approval.

 

I know personally I do not have enough of self love and my ex leaving me after 11 years just confirms to me every bad thing I ever thought about myself. That I am unloveable, not good enough, boring, not pretty enough etc. I have a constant battle between my head telling me that I am smart, loveable, kind etc and my heart telling me see this is what you deserve.

 

I am slowly learning that we need to have enough self love before we meet someone else. That way the cup is already full so if they leave we are in a much better place. We also would only acceot someone we deserve and who would make a good partner as we respect ourselves more.

 

I have a long way to go on my journey but I am a lot closer to finding a life partner than my ex who can't communicate and is a liar.

 

Good luck and may you find the hapiness you deserve.

[pfbsurf]

Thanks...

 

I'm trying to separate the actions of my ex from my opinion of myself. Its a tough balance. I also feel unloveable and unworthy, and have to constantly remind myself of all of my great qualities. At the same time, i know I really need to improve myself and fix some things that are "broken"...

 

Sigh.

 

I think if i were younger (i'm 48) i'd have an easier time with this. I just get tired

 

Good luck to you as well.