Relationship issue.. Need opinions

[gd498]

Hi I'm new here. I have something that has been weighing on me in my current relationship for quite some time and I was hoping to get some opinions. I'm engaged to a woman I love very much. We are both divorced and met on an online dating site. We instantly hit it off and spent most of our free time together. In fact when we were not seeing each other we were talking on the phone or texting. I have never felt closer to someone before as I do with her and we both express our love to each other daily.

 

The problem for me is a few months into our relationship I noticed that she was still talking to the guy she dated before me, which lasted for 2 months or so until he broke it off with her but she really liked him. Any way were pretty open with our stuff and I was on her Facebook and noticed that she was searching this guy all the time and liking pretty much all of his posts. She was also chatting with him on Facebook (nothing bad) but it made me uncomfortable the level of interaction between the two of them because my first marriage ended because of her cheating so it's a sore point for me.

 

So I did something I shouldnt have and looked at her phone one day. She hadnt texted with him in awhile but I noticed that a few months earlier when we first started dating she had texted him asking to go out and meet for drinks again. During this time she had broken up with me for a few days because she said we were moving too fast. I also saw that when she broke up with me for that short time she had continued to chat and text with guys from the online dating site although they never met up or anything.

 

This all happened before she told me she loved me and before we got engaged and things are completely different although she will still occasionally do a Facebook search of the old guy. I can't help but feel like I was second choice from all of this though. That if this guy had taken her up on the offer for drinks she would be with him now. Or that why wasn't I good enough back then where she felt the need to continue to talk to other guys. Any opinions? We live together and are getting engaged but this is weighing on me.

[mhowe]

It does sound like you are "fall back" guy from the get go --- and she would break up with you to see if she could get someone else, and when that didn't work,

she came back.

 

I can see you are engaged ---- I wouldn't be hurrying to marry. She is still trolling for other men.

 

If I may ask --- how long from the time you met her until you got engaged and she moved in?

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I have to agree with mhowe. You may be a fall back and you need to proceed slowly.

 

Your fiance is doing exactly what my last gf did to me. Although I don't think you are at the point you have a problem, but now is the time to let her know you are in love with her but you see this as a bad sign and you are uncomfortable with it. In my case my ex started with Facebook, then texting a lot, then just a drink, then just dinner, and it constantly escalated. I wish I would have made myself clearer and was more willing to walk.

[Man with Dog]

Perhaps she hadn't quite got over her ex when she started dating you. Nothing unusual in that. Some people are still with their ex when they start dating someone new. Some people (not me, though) still stay friends with an ex after the break-up. I'd say don't hurry plans just yet but don't jump to conclusions either. It is really about what has happened since you were engaged than what may have happened when you first got together and weren't exclusive.

 

Good luck.

[gd498]

Hi thanks for the responses. It's been a little over a year or so and we just moved in. We're planning on getting married next year. This stuff happened about a month or two into us dating and that's why I'm on the fence with this. We had not had the relationship talk but for all intents and purposes that's what we had. I just feel weird that the reason she broke things off with me when we were dating was because she wanted to see if this guy was interested in seeing her again. Like I said, if he hadnt blown her off for the drink she's probably be all over him but as the texts said he came up with some excuse for being busy and a few days later she was back with me. Also, at this time she had signed up for another month of online dating and was still chatting and texting with other guys. She was doing this while we were introducing our kids to each other and were pretty serious. A month or so after that she told me she loved me and that stuff stopped except for searching that guy all the time on Facebook. When I confronted her about that she said she wasn't although I could clearly see she was.

[SooSad33]

Yes, sounds like she was doing this because she was NOT certain about anything with you at that point.

As for marriage? Umm. no.

Why?? YOu've only been together a lil over a year? Yeah, slow things down.

 

Maybe she is moving too fast admitting 'love' in such short time together? That isn't love.. it's lust.

Love comes over time...

 

What that could point out is her insecurities.. maybe? She's afraid to be alone?

Do take this slower. Be cautious. IF she is really into YOU, why is she searching another guy...is a concern, i say.

[IAmFCA]

I feel like she a hole to fill of some sort.

 

Or, that she doesn't trust her own judgment about whom to pick for marriage, and that she loves you but still has doubts. Sometimes people look at marriage like a mirage, a moment when fantasies are fulfilled. Our intended is asked to fulfill fantasies that are not realistic. Other men whom we don't know seem like maybe, just maybe they could fulfill the fantasy, so we ask ourselves, should I be marrying this one? Will the next one be better?

 

I married my rebound. After falling in love and then breaking off a two year attachment that followed, I married a man who was safe, fulfilled everything I was supposed to check for, with parents, future talk, lifestyle elements that seemed to match my own. I was wrong; he is a chameleon and would have matched most anything I asked him. He was my rebound because he was emotionally safe; he didn't challenge me, never became emotionally intimate, and is now the same way with his current gf. I should not have married him.

 

So, while I do not worry about your fiancee cheating etc, I do worry about her ability to choose properly. Despite marriage being a big deal, sometimes we are not well prepared to make the choice and so we muddle through. A therapist may help her-- you could suggest pre-marital counseling, perhaps?

[Batya33]

I don't think she ended things at that point because things were moving too fast it was because she wanted to see if he would take her back. Big difference. I'd proceed only if she is completely done with him and would never go back to him no matter what.