he wants to be with an 18 year old

[NotAlone21]

Ok so, me ex and I have been officially separated for 4 days now. We had a few issues like his family and friends not liking me for whatever reason. We were together for a year and I fell hard for him and I thought he did for me too. Well about 3 months ago one night I decideded to look through his phone and found the shock of my life..he had been posting ads on CL looking to "f" a hot 18 year old girl...creampie fetish and sick things like that. He had been having multiple conversations with different girls. Dirty talking & exchanging pics. When I saw this, I had a minor anxiety attack and began hyperventilating which woke him up and I threw him out of my apartment. The next day he accidentally called me and I overheard a conversation with him and his mother. He was lying to her about what had happened. That I flipped out for no reason and bla bla. Well no wonder his family doesn't like me..he lies to them about everything to cover himself up. It crushed me. I missed him, though, after just a few days we tried again because we had long talks about why he did what he did. Early in our relationship he casually told me he talked to girls online while with his ex and that he never did it again. But anyway, he says he has a problem with himself..he's addicted to the attention, and he's depressed, the problems in our relationship confuse him but he wants to be with me. He said he'd never do it again..well he did...about 7 times that I know of. He has a complete infatuation with having sex with a teenager. He says 18 in his ads and then he also says 'age can be negotiated'..mind you, he is 27. I am turning 22 in a few days. In my eyes, he is a sick pervert, a lier and a cheater. I used to cry uncontrollably thinking about this, but im so used to it at this point. I am just angry...when I go out, I can't go anywhere with a band playing. It immediately triggers thoughts of him I want to erase because he was the lead singer of his band. I know I have to stay away..I know this. He calls me randomly. I made the mistake of entertaining him by telling him "you weren't worried about me when you were looking for other girls to sleep with" and that I hate him. This experience has changed me..I am in a very negative mental space over everything. I do not wish him well. I actually hope to see him in the PA sex offenders website some day. Maybe then, he will learn his lesson. He wasnt ready for a relationship and I allowed him to drag me down with him because I didn't want to let go. 5 days ago we got back together, and the same day, he posted an ad. I found out the next day. Also, I'd like to add that I really don't think he actually met anyone in person.. it still doesnt change his intentions. Yes, we did have a lot of problems but I was convinced that because we "loved each other", we can make it work. But he completely stopped trying and I have had enough. Can you please encourage me and give me any words of wisdom?

[SooSad33]

Because this being a toxic relationship, you're broken.. you're hurt and angry. That's understandable.

How about staying away from him completely. NO acceptance to any more contact!

 

Get in to see your doctor and ask about some therapy. That can help you out there.

 

You need some time to heal now. Some decent down time to work on YOU. It'll take a few months...

[lukeb]

You're hurt and angry and that is to be expected. You don't have to worry about his craiglist ads, him talking to other girls, what his family thinks about you anymore etc., it's over. It will take some time to move on. It may feel like the end of the world now, but in time you will realize that it isn't. Break ups are rarely pretty and often heart wrenching, its too early to tell how much or how this will change you.

[NotAlone21]

Thank you to the both of you for responding. I should look into seeing a therapist in the future. Right now isn't the right time because of a legal situation I'd rather not talk about. But I have thought about it.. I do need one..and as far as not worrying about him now...I am still worried he will continue to post ads even after I've left him. It hurts me so much to think he will actually go through with it some day. His family disliking me caused me a lot of pain. He will lie to them about what really happened and that hurts too. I think I will be ok..atleast I hope so. Like I said, ive known for about 3 months now so I'm not surprised anymore..its actually been going on for 9 months or longer. Maybe our whole relationship. I don't know...

[Allipie]

be glad you are out and away from him. Toxic people will destroy you.

Obsessing over having sex with a teenager is definitely getting into sexual predator territory. And if he HAS been having sex with these girls, you should get yourself tested ASAP.

[NotAlone21]

Yeah, I did get tested. I'm fine..like I said, I really don't think he actually met anyone..I think he was more intereted in recieving validation from random girls and the attention and the illusion of being with them..

[ParisPaulette]

Your title really says it all...and ewww. What a toxic mess of a human being that one is. Be glad you found out about this joker and got away. You don't need someone who will potentially end up on a sex offender registry some day in your life.

[NotAlone21]

As much as at disgusts me, it also makes me feel jealous, not good enough and just resentful..

[Fudgie]

Please don't take this upon yourself. He has a problem, perhaps a fixation on being sexual with teens/extremely young adults. That is not a reflection on you. You can't fulfill that not because of how you look/how you are (I'm sure you look fine!), but simply because you are not "barely legal" anymore. It is a sick fixation with him. I can promise you, no matter what that 18 year old is like, I bet once she hits 20 or so, he'll be on to the next 18 year old because it's about the age/"barely legal" status for him, NOT about the person or the looks.

 

There are guys out there like this and it's sick. I'm sure he'll get into trouble someday with him. He's one wrong click away from being a sex offender. That's gross and you don't need this. You deserve so much more.

[CeeLambrini]

It sounds like the only reason he wants 18 year olds is because it's within the law. For now. He does have a problem, a big one and it is out of your hands now and you can move on. The important thing to remember is this isn't about you not being good enough. This is a sick addiction. It almost makes me question if he was with you because of the age gap to begin with. I think posting an ad up the day of your reconciliation tells you all you need to know. I hope you can heal fast from this

[NotAlone21]

Yeah, its disturbing..I wish things were different and he didn't have such a perverted fantasy he is just urking to fullfill while hurting me in the process. Thank you for that..it definitely has affected me negatively..like I'm not young enough..I mean, I'm still only 21..

[Fudgie]

Yeah, its disturbing..I wish things were different and he didn't have such a perverted fantasy he is just urking to fullfill while hurting me in the process. Thank you for that..it definitely has affected me negatively..like I'm not young enough..I mean, I'm still only 21..

 

Remember that someone who truly loves you and desires you and wants to be with you for the long term isn't going to be thinking about "are you young enough". God, everyone ages. He's the one who is pathologic here. If he wants to date perpetual 18 year olds, that means a new partner every year. He is letting his sick fantasy run wild and it's nothing that will ever be fulfilling or good. He'll never be satisfied with one person.

[Allipie]

Yeah, its disturbing..I wish things were different and he didn't have such a perverted fantasy he is just urking to fullfill while hurting me in the process. Thank you for that..it definitely has affected me negatively..like I'm not young enough..I mean, I'm still only 21..

 

its hard to NOT take it personally. I took what my person did to me VERY personally and it has definitely affected my self-esteem/self-worth. 21 is still very young and like someone else said, he only says 18 because it's legal. The guys a perv.

[Fudgie]

Another thing to keep in mind: he probably (actually, I'd be willing to bet $$ on it) likes female minors. He says "18 year olds" because that's the closest he can get to a child legally without being arrested and thrown in jail. But guys like that, they often trip up. Either they find out that 18 just isn't "young enough" and they actually prey on minors, or they end up sleeping with a minor who lied and said that they were 18 when they were really 15 or something like that. It's a gross mental illness, truly. It has NOTHING to do with attraction or love or even preferences. It has everything to do with the unhealthy obsession with barely legal women and the fetishizing of youth.

[NotAlone21]

Remember that someone who truly loves you and desires you and wants to be with you for the long term isn't going to be thinking about "are you young enough". God, everyone ages. He's the one who is pathologic here. If he wants to date perpetual 18 year olds, that means a new partner every year. He is letting his sick fantasy run wild and it's nothing that will ever be fulfilling or good. He'll never be satisfied with one person.

Yeah, he is! Your right about that. And he said the same thing when I confronted him..that it is just a fantasy and shouldn't be brought out to the physical world...bla bla...he also said he couldn't help himself..

[NotAlone21]

Another thing to keep in mind: he probably (actually, I'd be willing to bet $$ on it) likes female minors. He says "18 year olds" because that's the closest he can get to a child legally without being arrested and thrown in jail. But guys like that, they often trip up. Either they find out that 18 just isn't "young enough" and they actually prey on minors, or they end up sleeping with a minor who lied and said that they were 18 when they were really 15 or something like that. It's a gross mental illness, truly. It has NOTHING to do with attraction or love or even preferences. It has everything to do with the unhealthy obsession with barely legal women and the fetishizing of youth.

 

Thank you Fudgie..he would say the same thing sometimes that it wasn't about not loving me..that it was a problem within himself...like someone else said..I can't help but take it personally. He said he never wanted to do it again but actions speak louder then words, right?

[Fudgie]

Yeah, he is! Your right about that. And he said the same thing when I confronted him..that it is just a fantasy and shouldn't be brought out to the physical world...bla bla...he also said he couldn't help himself..

 

It's like a mental illness and he is screwed up inside, likely permanently. But inside of doing the right thing and getting treatment for his obsession, he is preying on young girls and cheating on you. That says a lot about his character. He KNOWS it's a fantasy but doesn't seek help and makes a choice to give in and that's WRONG.

 

The thing about people like this is that they always have a choice. They can get help or they can give in and hurt people. They DO have a choice and no one is forced or compelled to act on those desires. It says a lot about his character.