Confusing Boys - Likes me, but not enough

[pettypink]

Hey, so I thought I'd post here for some advice. I was seeing a new guy (22 years old, same as me) for about 9 months (since last november) but we were not exclusive or officially in a relationship. I knew from the beginning I liked him and wanted more. He was the first guy since my ex that I've opened up to and trusted. I knew all of his insecurities and always tried to make him feel better about himself, and he knew all about my past and fears and such and helped me work through my stuff as well. He told me he felt good whenever he was with me. He asked me to be official in March but then panicked and took it back the next day as he was moving away and wasn't sure he wanted to settle down and wanted to see other girls. I of course, was astonished because who does that?? So we fought a bit and didn't talk much. I decided at that point to try moving on since he didn't want me apparently.

 

He'd periodically text me or call me and tell me how much he missed talking to me/wanted me/etc. He'd send me pictures of his dogs and stuff which he knew I liked. I never initiated anymore and I told him this wasn't fair. He apologized but would keep messaging me. We talked on and off (mostly on) for the rest of the summer. I'd cut it off as soon as he hinted he wasn't sure about how he felt. But he'd always come back and text me again and talk to me everyday (including flirting). He moved back about a month ago and we were talking everyday all day long about everything again. I noticed however that he was talking to other girls as well which made me pretty jealous. This is when he started being hot and cold - he'd message me everyday, but sometimes would be flirty and sometimes just talk to me as a friend and shut down anything flirty that I did. He told me he might be meeting up with a girl he was talking to. That kinda hurt a bit as he knew how I felt about him but would keep messaging me anyway and send mixed signals. I had enough and made myself open to dating others and he was a bit weirded out about it but he told me he was happy I found nice guys when he was such a jerk. I went on two dates to maybe see what was out there since this guy was being noncommittal. Note, I never did anything with any of my dates besides a quick drink or coffee and never felt anything really for any of them. And I didn't start "dating" again until about July when I thought he wasn't coming back (so I never once saw anybody else while we were seeing each other). He on the other hand, slept with a girl while we were fighting in April. But I didn't say anything about that to him as we were not a couple so it wasn't any of my business.

 

Anyway me and this guy constantly talked since he moved back, and it was getting flirty but also deep. We met up again two weekends ago and he took me out and introduced me to his coworkers at his baseball game and all in all for me it was a nice weekend and I felt myself falling for him again. He treated me very nicely and did things with me that he said he'd only done with his previous ex girlfriends (we did not sleep together, nor have we ever). After that he still messaged me everyday and I liked him more and more. Yesterday, I decided to call him and tell him how I felt and he said that he liked me but he didn't get that feeling to push it forward. That of course crushed me as it meant he didn't like me enough. He apologized for leading me on for 9 months and said he knew he was being selfish always flirting with me and calling me and all that stuff and that he was sorry. From the start I've been honest and played no mind games with him - he knew I liked him. He told me he knew he was being a jerk and didn't know how to be better. He said he was truly sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. We will probably not speak again.

 

I know I just need to let go and move onto better things but I'm just a little sad tonight as I opened myself up again for a boy and it didn't work out. Also because we probably will never talk or see each other again, which slightly hurts because I liked him so much. Luckily for me I have an amazing support system in my circle of friends/family so that has helped

 

Any inputs/thoughts?

[RKO]

I had something VERY simialr with a girl, i say "had" its kinda continued until recently.

 

Got together and then the very next day changed their mind, was so flaky, hot and cold like you wouldnt believe.

 

Weve been through periods of not talking for a few weeks but always ended up speaking again (both iniating contact) The times she reached out for me is when ive started seeing other girls. Its like she didnt want me, but didnt want anyone else to either.

 

Past 3 weeks since Ive met a lovely girl she has upped her pursuit, asking to meet, sending very sexual pictures but I have said no each time and although tempted at 1st I know I dont want to.

 

My advice? cut them off, forget about them. Would you be truly happy with them after them putting you through this? Youre never more desirable than when you seem out of reach. Youre better than him.

[pettypink]

It's so sucky...It's like why pretend to care if you know you dont? And for so long too (9 months?!?! what). He told me he knew he was being selfish...wow.

 

I know exactly what you mean, like they don't want you but don't want you to be with someone else either. It's so immature. I know my guy is afraid to settle down into anything right now since we're so young and he has low self esteem so he's always looking for attention from every girl he meets. Sigh.......

 

Oh I'm definitely going to try to move on. I know I'll be sad for a bit but then hopefully things will get better.

[mhowe]

You knew from the get go that he ran hot and cold and yet you kept talking and texting him. Even when he was talking about other girls. And when you started have dates with other guys...he was happy for you. These are all signs that a man likes you as a friend but does not see you as a romantic partner.

 

So take this as a lesson. The first time you see/hear "I am confused...I don't know"....remember that a man worth having KNOWS he wants you.

[pettypink]

That would make sense except everytime I tried to move on he would come running back and telling me how he liked me and flirting with me and making moves. If he only saw me a as friend, why do any of that at all? I told him anytime we fought to not come back unless he was serious, and he'd keep coming back! why

 

I'll note that for the future.

[Ms Darcy]

What in the WORLD made you think this guy was the right guy to open up to??? There were red flags from the beginning. All those "insecurities" of his? Not good. But ok, let's get past that. When you decided to be official in March and he took it back the next day???

 

You should have been done with him. Seriously. Because that was the beginning of the hot and cold that indicated what he's just told you: he's just not that into you.

 

Ladies - please stop talking like you are passive actors in your life. Oh, he chased me. He messaged me. He flirted with me. You knew dern well he wasn't giving you anything you wanted. Instead of hanging around and hoping he would somehow have an epiphany about how great you are, you should have bounced -- stopped responding to his messages and blocked him altogether.

 

Take this as a lesson. How you feel about them isn't the most important factor. How they treat you is crucial as well.

[pettypink]

You're so right. I don't know what I was thinking Red fags everywhere now that I look at it in hindsight.

[Ms Darcy]

When you know better, you do better. Hugs.