1 year later report! Some tips for the hurt ones!

[jesr]

Hey everyone! I thought I would comeback here and post my experience so far and try to give some hope back to the people who are now in pain. This forum helped me a lot 1 year ago. This is my original thread "Going nuclear with your life after unthinkable break up". Google it I can't post links.

 

TL;DL: 9 years great R/S, cheated and dumped completely off guard by the person who I thought I knew so well.

 

ANYWAY, for the ones who are in pain right now, KNOW THIS: you will get better!! Best advice I can give you if you feel completely destroyed and hopeless is go nuclear and start over again. Embrace a new challenge, a life changing challenge, put yourself in a new universe, new people, new job. Don't be afraid. And of course CUT CONTACT IMMEDIATELY.

 

Also some random tips, from now on you:

 

- Are your own priority, you are the most important thing in your life: BE SELFISH.

- Screw others, screw what is politically correct etc. This is the time for you to do and be what you always wanted to be.

- KNOW that you are the SOLE responsible for your happiness.

- Focus on the NOW. Enjoy the small things and pleasures of life. Cannot stress this enough. Cancel the worries about the future and the pain of the past.

- Get to the point where you feel happy ALONE.

- No regrets! Don't look at the past with glasses of the present. When things happened you did the best you could do at that time. So forget the what if... blabla.

- Always remember, YOU ARE HERE TO HAVE FUN. Try to enjoy everything there is.

 

As for me, I feel I came a long way. I still have this issue to deal though: I feel this gargantuan hate towards my Ex whenever I think about her, I want her to die, to suffer, to be miserable. I can't find a way to forgive her or at least completely forgot her. Any tips for this???

 

And I have also this side effect that I cannot connect with women, cannot trust them. Why let yourself connect again to eventually have to dump or be dumped again or break up with all the drama that comes with???

 

Aside from these two things I feel pretty much healed. When I look back and remember the pain I endured, I feel so happy that all that is over and I'm in such better place.

 

Feel free to ask anything I still see some familiar users here, hope you all are getting better!

[siegfri333]

I can't find a way to forgive her or at least completely forgot her. Any tips for this???

 

!

You can't forget your past, you have to live with it. Time heals the wounds but leave the scars.

[pfbsurf]

i think if you let go of the hate you might be able to connect with women again.

 

Look at it this way, you have grown and learned about life in a way that would not have been possible without your ex and her behavior. Its the rainbow after the rain.

 

Everyone is different, and some can let go easier. But... your words honestly are disturbing. You want her to suffer and die? That is wayyyyy over the top. We are all human and we are ALL responsible to a great degree for how we let others treat us. So, unless she had you under some magic spell, you had more to do with the breakup and her behavior than you think...

 

But whatever. Good luck

[jesr]

i think if you let go of the hate you might be able to connect with women again.

 

Look at it this way, you have grown and learned about life in a way that would not have been possible without your ex and her behavior. Its the rainbow after the rain.

 

Everyone is different, and some can let go easier. But... your words honestly are disturbing. You want her to suffer and die? That is wayyyyy over the top. We are all human and we are ALL responsible to a great degree for how we let others treat us. So, unless she had you under some magic spell, you had more to do with the breakup and her behavior than you think...

 

But whatever. Good luck

 

Few times per month, when I think about her and what (and how) she did, I get caught in this tornado type of feelings. I feel imense rage and I have to go out and punch a bag or go for a run/swim.

 

If you read my original thread you will maybe understand a little why I feel this way. I guess you can tell she had me on some kind of a magic spell lol. But it doesnt matter. I just wish she would suffer like I did so that some type of balance/justice would be restored.

 

A part from that, I feel better and stronger than ever in my daily life. Loving the flirting and inteactions with women again.

 

Some books I recomend:

 

- Uncoupling

- Getting past your BU

- No more Mr Nice guy

- The power of Now

- The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

- Codependent no more

[Mariana345]

Hello! I am close to this state too. My break up was 2 years ago after an almost 5 years relationship and 9 years of loving each other. I was too cheated and dumped (aaaaand blamed, go figure), and one of the reasons were that my dreams were too big... so I decided to give it a try and go after those dreams that I left for him and of course, my life is so much better now that it was with him, and I would not change the worst of my days now for another five years with him.

 

As well as you I am having problems with moving on. I think the hate is part of the process, but you know you are really healing when you get to a point of nonchalance about your ex. When you realize that her/him been happy or not doesn't affect your own happiness, and that you don't even care whether they are or not.

But it turns out that 5 years is a long time, and here and there I get caught in thoughts like "why did he do that to me", "he loved me so much", "we had so much history, we went through so many things, how could this happened?" and so on. I think that is because they were part of our lives, a significant one, so is normal to think like that once in a while, but we also have to remember why it all broke, own our part and let them own theirs. And is true, at that point we did the best we could, but we know better now so next time we will be prepared.

 

The trust issue is going to take some more time. Not just because of the ex only, but also all the people around me that are unfaithful and deceitful and they don't seem to be the less. Although I understand that there is a reason why some people are like that, and is because there are others that allow them to be, so I decided that I would not engaged myself in any activity that may be deceitful to others, meaning not helping friends or family to cheat and of course not be acquaintance with those kind of people. Of course your circle would narrow significantly but you would stay with those that mirror your principles, and that is a greater life.

 

We still have a lot to do, but I have to say that the most difficult part to me was when I felt in love again. It was so painful, not just because the trust issues but because I didn't want to close that chapter in my life, I never loved anyone before and that happening was like "betraying" that feeling, but at the end it was so much worth it because I had to live a beautiful experience, and although at the end it didn't work I learn to love again and to recover more gracefully. I am almost ready to try again and I am kind of excited to see which kind of person I will love next, mostly because I did my homework and now I know how to be aware of red flags, how to look for what I really want and need and I understand that not every relationship is meant to last... but I am ok with that.

 

I hope you can go out of the despair soon enough and learn to fall in love again. I would recommend you to read the blog "baggagereclaim" it's been my guide through all this awful process and I can tell that it works. Good luck!!

[Clio]

I feel this gargantuan hate towards my Ex whenever I think about her, I want her to die, to suffer, to be miserable. I can't find a way to forgive her or at least completely forgot her. Any tips for this???

 

Try not to think about her. In time it will go away. Time heals this kind of thing. Especially if you meet someone new. Life is not fair. Try to let go of the notion that life is fair. I do believe though that what goes around comes around in some form. It's just that you won't be there to withness it.

 

I too have had these feelings for a long time. However, I have come to believe that my ex is so self-absorbed that he made me a favor. He proved incapable of handling adversity in a healthy manner and that means that he is an accident waiting to happen/ a ticking time bomb. Whoever happens to be by his side next time life gets tough is in for a very nasty surprise and nowdays I just feel lucky that it won't be me. In reality you dodged a bullet.

 

And I have also this side effect that I cannot connect with women, cannot trust them. Why let yourself connect again to eventually have to dump or be dumped again or break up with all the drama that comes with???

 

Not all women are the same. Not all people are the same. And not all relationships lead to break up. Again, you probably need more time to heal completely. It's not women, it's people in general. People can let you down in all kinds of forms. It is the risk one runs every time one forms a human connection. Yet people need to feel connected in order to feel happy. You probably need more than a year to feel ready again and that's OK.

 

Good luck with the rest of your healing!

[pfbsurf]

I'm not about turning the other cheek, don't get me wrong, but anger is corrosive. I can guarantee that it is the reason you are not able to trust other women right now.

 

I'm sure what she did was wrong - but my ex wife left me for our best friend, three young children - so, i am not sure if there are many scenarios worse than that. I'm no saint but i never wished her any suffering. I just wanted to move on with my life, and have.

 

not sure how you can let go of that anger, maybe its just time.

[Brotherhood67]

As for me, I feel I came a long way. I still have this issue to deal though: I feel this gargantuan hate towards my Ex whenever I think about her, I want her to die, to suffer, to be miserable. I can't find a way to forgive her or at least completely forgot her. Any tips for this???

 

I wish I could give you some advice ont his but to be fair, I can't. I feel the same way towards my ex (except for the dying part lol). I think that after a while, I will finally be in a place where even her name has no meaning anymore, just the way she did with me. But I'm not there yet.

 

I felt an enormous amount of resentment towards my ex for what she did and how she did it but 3 things helped me to release the pressure :

 

First of all, this feeling of anger is, in my opinion, our ego speaking. So it means it didn't die after the break-up, which was probably the most devastating thing that could happen to our self-esteem and ego. So, well, I believe this anger to actually be some kind or "rebellion" of our mind towards our exes, rebellion declared in order to heal faster and better. So embrace it, even if it is corrosive. It simply means you're not healed yet and neither am I.

 

Second of all, "anger a day keeps the ex away". I don't know for sure because it's my guts talking but I believe that when you're angry, your ex somehow knows it. And stays away from you. Much better in order to maintain NC.

 

Third of all, healing is a process. And anger is, in my opinion, a step we all need to take. So, there's hope and light at the end of the tunnel. And this end is complete indifference. You'll reach it one day so it gives hope !

[villagehero]

I'm about one month shy of my first year mark. 9 years LTR and a daughter. I can definitely attest to all the things you spoke of. Granted, I made a lot of mistakes and tried to fix things when it was already too late and she had become emotionally disconnected.

 

It has been an illuminating path so far, especially with understanding more about how I dealt with things in the past. She's now in a 10 month committed relationship with someone else and it has been a struggle but it's getting easier and easier. Books, forums like these, meditation, and writing have been very effective coping mechanisms.

 

The obstacle I have been running into is the loneliness factor. Although I am very active with other activities (capoeira, photography, yoga, skating, etc..) I still have an empty feeling inside. Don't know exactly how to describe it other than wishing that my ex was there to share the moments yet I am fully aware that it's impossible now. It's a duality of acceptance/regret. I find myself occasionally thinking about her and what she is doing but try to quickly remove the thought from my head. A clean break will never happen because of the shared responsibility of a child but sometimes I think it would make it so much easier. It will serve as a burning reminder of something that her and I failed at.

 

 

Also, add "The Passion Trap" to the list of books you mentioned. I am currently halfway through it and it's down right scary how much it describes the tendencies and characteristics we both displayed during our relationship. We both were the one up/one down at some point so understanding it to never have it repeat has become almost an obsessions of sorts.

 

good luck, keep healing, and may we all be blessed with an abundance of love again.

 

VH

[reinventmyself]

My understanding is as long as you have some emotion, whether good bad or otherwise you still are attached in some way.

If they were a neighbor, acquaintance or a stranger for that matter you wouldn't have such intense feelings. It's because you still have 'feelings' for this person. You sound great and that you've come a long way from where you once were but you still have some way to go.

When I learned this it helped me work through some more `stuff' to get to the other side.

I used to hate my ex h in this way, now I don't. I don't have any emotion attached to him. It's good feeling. It's then when you know you are really done.

Keep working on this last phase. . it does take some time.

Give yourself a lot of credit for how far you have come!

[Clinton]

You can't forget your past, you have to live with it. Time heals the wounds but leave the scars.

This is so true. Time heals but the marks remain. Time will also dull the anger you feel towards your ex. It took me about a decade to let all my anger towards my ex wife go. But nowadays I hold no I'll will towards her and we are friendly at family functions

[rosie30]

Thankyou so much for this post jesr. It has given me so much hope as I am just into my 9th week post break-up and can completely relate to your feelings of pain and despair that you describe in your original post. The hurt is still very raw and, although ever-so slowly I'm creating a 'new normal', I am still unable to believe that happiness will be possible again and the unbearable missing of him, pain and regret that we didn't work out will always be there.

 

You have given me hope that, despite the strength of my feelings, even I can come through this. Blind hope is definitely what is required and you have helped me to trust in this even when it seems so impossible.

 

One interesting thing for me which does differ in our stories however is the anger. I am finding it impossible to feel angry with him. Mostly because, although he didn't treat me as well as he should maybe at times (see my original post if you'd like to have a frustrating ability to only see the good in him and excuse his behaviour. I WISH I could harness some anger! I really feel this would help me to move on, feel a little more indignant, a bit of healthy 'how dare you treat me like this, I deserve better!'....as Brotherhood67 said...maybe it would do my ego good!?

All I think is...'well, he can't help it if he didn't want to be with me, how can I be angry at him, why should he love me?...that's his right not to'. But just makes me feel even more rejected to be honest!

 

I really feel anger is one of the most productive emotions at times! It makes you 'do'!.....I just don't know where mine goes at times like this. Perhaps it's a lack of self-esteem? Who knows!

 

Thanks so much again jesr, and so happy you are feeling so much better. x

[sadbutrue]

After almost one year after my breakup, I am still struggling with some feelings towards my ex...I hate my ex and I want him to suffer as much as I suffered... I wish there was some "justice".

Like you, I'm uninterested in having new relationships ... because at this point and after this experience, I do not trust people and I don't want to go through a breakup again...yeh I'm tired

[jesr]

(...)

 

The trust issue is going to take some more time. Not just because of the ex only, but also all the people around me that are unfaithful and deceitful and they don't seem to be the less. Although I understand that there is a reason why some people are like that, and is because there are others that allow them to be, so I decided that I would not engaged myself in any activity that may be deceitful to others, meaning not helping friends or family to cheat and of course not be acquaintance with those kind of people. Of course your circle would narrow significantly but you would stay with those that mirror your principles, and that is a greater life.

 

Yeah you're so right. I felt that a lot. After my BU most common friends pactuated with what she did and remained friends with her. So I had to bear many disapointments too. But I cut them off and I don't regret. These people are weak and will eventually betray you or disapoint you too.

 

I hope you can go out of the despair soon enough and learn to fall in love again. I would recommend you to read the blog "baggagereclaim" it's been my guide through all this awful process and I can tell that it works. Good luck!!

 

Yep I know that blog I also recomend tinybuddha!

 

Thankyou so much for this post jesr. It has given me so much hope as I am just into my 9th week post break-up and can completely relate to your feelings of pain and despair that you describe in your original post. The hurt is still very raw and, although ever-so slowly I'm creating a 'new normal', I am still unable to believe that happiness will be possible again and the unbearable missing of him, pain and regret that we didn't work out will always be there.

 

Yes in a way, you have to re invent yourself. Which is not a bad thing. But is really hard. HUman nature is adverse to change.

 

One interesting thing for me which does differ in our stories however is the anger. I am finding it impossible to feel angry with him. Mostly because, although he didn't treat me as well as he should maybe at times (see my original post if you'd like to have a frustrating ability to only see the good in him and excuse his behaviour. I WISH I could harness some anger! I really feel this would help me to move on, feel a little more indignant, a bit of healthy 'how dare you treat me like this, I deserve better!'....as Brotherhood67 said...maybe it would do my ego good!?

All I think is...'well, he can't help it if he didn't want to be with me, how can I be angry at him, why should he love me?...that's his right not to'. But just makes me feel even more rejected to be honest!

 

(...)

 

I also didn't felt anger and hate in the following weeks/months towards her. I guess this is one stage of the healing process, so I think eventually you'll also feel anger. I believe anger helps you to disconnect, or at least is a path to disconnection.

 

After almost one year after my breakup, I am still struggling with some feelings towards my ex...I hate my ex and I want him to suffer as much as I suffered... I wish there was some "justice".

Like you, I'm uninterested in having new relationships ... because at this point and after this experience, I do not trust people and I don't want to go through a breakup again...yeh I'm tired

 

Yep, now I just flirt and have light relationships. Everytime I feel I'm developing stronger feelings, something inside immediately kicks in and I pull away. I expect with time this will get better. But really, even if I'm the dumper, I hate it, I don't like to give pain to others.

 

(...)

Not all women are the same. Not all people are the same. And not all relationships lead to break up. Again, you probably need more time to heal completely. It's not women, it's people in general. People can let you down in all kinds of forms. It is the risk one runs every time one forms a human connection. Yet people need to feel connected in order to feel happy. You probably need more than a year to feel ready again and that's OK.

 

Good luck with the rest of your healing!

 

So in your opinion what's the mindset one should have when entering a relationship? When connecting with someone? If we have zero expectations mindset, we don't care, we don't invest in the R/S, we are away, we don't enjoy and live the R/S.

 

Or we should have expectations and invest but then, when the disapointment comes, we should be strong enough not to be affected by it and move on to the next one?

 

My understanding is as long as you have some emotion, whether good bad or otherwise you still are attached in some way.

If they were a neighbor, acquaintance or a stranger for that matter you wouldn't have such intense feelings. It's because you still have 'feelings' for this person. You sound great and that you've come a long way from where you once were but you still have some way to go.

When I learned this it helped me work through some more `stuff' to get to the other side.

I used to hate my ex h in this way, now I don't. I don't have any emotion attached to him. It's good feeling. It's then when you know you are really done.

Keep working on this last phase. . it does take some time.

Give yourself a lot of credit for how far you have come!

 

Yes I realise that as long as I have any type of feeling towards my Ex is because I'm still not free. But so what worked for you, to reach that point of no emotion? It was just time?