The old "I can't be in a relationship right now."

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you really believe the issue is she needs time, then tell her that you'd be happy to hear from you if she changes her mind, and if you're not taken by someone else, you'd consider picking up where you left off. But then stop initiating contact with her and tell her you don't want to be friends because you don't want to live on false hope. She has your number and can use it if she wants to get back with you, and if she doesn't, that means she really is done.

[Hollyj]

I think a big part of the problem, is that you don't listen to what others say. You keep pushing because its what YOU want. Is the the reason things ended?

 

If you know there would be no reconciliation if you didn't reach out, then don't you have your answer. BTW, most people say they enjoy our time and want to keep us in their lives, it makes them look better.

[mhowe]

From your other thread ----- it would appear to be some things you said while drunk.

[testcase]

Yup. Most likely... and that really sucks.

 

I hear you all and appreciate the advice. I know it seems like I'm not listening... I absolutely am. If I have to move on I will.

[ohboo]

She may just not be interested and let you down easy. You're saying you didn't really handle the break up well, so by the sounds of it, she is already aware that if she wanted another shot with you, she could have it. Reaching out again, will just make you look like you're waiting around a bit, even if you say you aren't. Girls are not stupid, and she will see through it.

 

I feel you on this one though. I hear what everyone else is saying too though. I'm kind of in the same boat. My 3 month relationship ended about 3 weeks ago, and it was intense and I'm super hurt. He was depressed and having issues with money and work, and feeling 'not good enough' in his life. I didn't handle it well either, but I initiated the break up talk because he was becoming distant. I'm left sitting here thinking oh man, did I just jump the gun on that, and was he really just depressed and I took his mood personally and assumed he didn't want to be with me!? It was me that brought up breaking up, it was him that agreed with it. I totally regret it, and want nothing more than to reach out to him and let him know I think we made a mistake and I want to try again… but I'm too afraid of rejection, so I can't. Also, I cried when we did end up breaking up, and so did he. There were clearly still feelings between us. But he agreed breaking up was best because he needed to sort his life. So, I have to try to move on and assume he either just didn't want to be with me, or he really was going through something and like he said, needed time to sort out his life.

 

You might be right, you have nothing to lose by doing it. But, rethink it before you do it. When you guys broke up, and you talked about it, if you already said how you were feeling and that you didn't want the break up, then she already knows you still like her, and she probably already knows that door is open if she wants to open it…. Just saying.

[testcase]

Well again she probably knows. Maybe she doesn't. I just know if I don't say something I'll be left with doubt. I have nothing to lose. Am I going to push away or annoy someone who doesn't want to be in my life? That would be terrible.

 

I just want to say my peace. Get my closure and move on. Is that selfish? Probably. But I guess it's the least I can do to someone who was being selfish herself.

[quirky]

Did you apologise or explain regarding the stuff you felt you were wrong about?

 

Whatever anyone tells you this is your life and it sounds like you really like this girl. If something is nagging at you it might keep you lingering and hoping for longer, best to have clarity.

[testcase]

Hey Quirky!

 

I did. I think I left it in as good a place as I could. I really hope to hear from her again someday. In the meantime I'll keep doing me and we'll see... maybe I'll meet someone where I won't want to hear from her again.

[lavenderdove]

>>I just want to say my peace. Get my closure and move on. Is that selfish?

 

No, it's not selfish.. it's the best thing you can do. Say what you need to say, being as honest and true to your feelings as you can.

 

But then once you've said it, that is when you need to walk away with held head high, knowing you did what you could and said what you needed to say, but it is up to her to decide how she wants to live her life, whether that is with you or not. How she responds to what you say is up to her, and not really under your control.

 

Closure is what you give yourself, not what someone else gives you. We see people on this board all the time desperately going back to the ex again and again trying to 'talk about it' when their true motivation is they cannot accept the answer that they've been given, that for whatever reason that person does not want to be with you. So no answer their ex gives them is 'good enough' for closure because the only answer they are willing to accept is getting back together. So they aren't really looking for closure, they are just desperately trying to hang onto someone who wants out.

 

So as long as you just say your peace and everything you want to say, then accept that it is over if the other person doesn't want to stay together, then that is perfectly fine and not selfish.

[testcase]

Ya. I mean everyone here was right and I knew that. I could have just let it go but I don't think I would have been happy about it. I said what I wanted to say. She basically said... OK cool. That's it.

 

Now it's on me to move on. She knows my door is open if she'd ever want to date again. Of course I'm not waiting around. Hopefully I'll find someone I have an even better time with.

 

It's still weird to me. It's like she wanted a relationship and the second she got one it got too real. Sucks cause I really put myself out there for the first time in a while but hey... These things happen sometime.

[Ms Darcy]

It got "too real" because you got drunk and messed up? I think you might need to mature a little.

[testcase]

Sure I messed up. I've known that from the get go. At what point does it become better to talk it out and figure out what happened than it does to leave?

[mhowe]

You can't talk out someone getting drunk! It isn't up to her to fix you and your "lack of filter" when drinking. She saw behavior that she didn't want to put up

with and saw it as a red flag.

[testcase]

Ya. I mean I'm saying I messed up. She can still bring it up before cutting it off. When you get to a certain age if you're still finding red flags in every relationship you're just not ready for a relationship. No ones perfect.

[mhowe]

There is a certain age where you take responsibility for your OWN actions. And if I had been dating someone for a few months and on more than one occasion

they drank too much and "lost their filter" ---- I wouldn't feel the need to point it out.

 

You may be human and less than perfect ---- but you are also an adult.

[testcase]

Where have I not taken responsibility for my actions?

 

I'm only saying everyone has issues. I saw a lot of things in her that would have been deal breakers if I was at another point in my life but because I am where I am I was OK with them.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm only saying everyone has issues. I saw a lot of things in her that would have been deal breakers if I was at another point in my life but because I am where I am I was OK with them.

 

I know you are saying you are taking responsibility buuut comments like the one above make it sound like one of those run of the mill mistakes everyone makes. I think we are saying it's not.

 

You flat out suggested that she's not ready for a relationship by saying that if "you" are finding red flags in every relationship then maybe you are not ready for a relationship. That's not you taking personal responsibility. That's blaming her.