I feel pretty betrayed, but might be overreacting.

[aw4919]

So my best friend and I lived together for two years. I paid for nearly everything, and she gave me what she could each month (Usually around $240, while I was putting in about $600). Which was never a problem, since I knew going into the situation that she was in a bit of a low point financially, and that she would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. I'm still not at all bitter about that. We had a great two years, and now we've parted ways. We got our full security deposit back, but the rental company sent us each a check for half. I asked her if she had gotten it and she said yes, so I assumed that the next time we hung out, she would give it to me. And then when we did, I asked about it again and she said she got it, but made no offer to give me anything. I realize that I should have brought it up right then and there that I thought I deserved all of it, but I was so shocked that I didn't say anything... But the more I thought about it, the more hurt I was. At this point in time she has gotten herself out of her financial hole and is doing quite well. And I'm not so upset about the money, it wasn't really THAT much, but I'm a little confused as to why she thought that it was okay for her to keep it. She's a very good friend, a little selfish at times, but everyone has their flaws. So I don't want to think badly of her, and I'm trying to think of reasons that she would take money from me that under no circumstances belonged to her. Should I speak up? I'm not willing to throw away a friendship over any amount of money, but I'd like to know if this person I've trusted SHOULD still be my friend. And that comes down to why she felt entitled to it. So I guess any opinions on any of this? I'm really at a loss.

[abitbroken]

You were equally entitled to the security deposit if you were both on the lease. You did not make a prior agreement with her about it "I paid first and last, so expect to get the security deposit back", nor did you both in writing request to your landlord any differently. I would not press her for it. If it was that she could only afford to pay a little, honestly you should have been on the lease alone

[bluemoon]

If I had been your friend, and was socially secure now I would have given it to you since to me it seems common sense,

But as abitbroken said, it wasn't in the agreement or communicated to her before.. so I'm not really sure what you could do in this situation. I don't know your friend and how she would react, she might have taken it for granted or if you brought it up felt offended

[aw4919]

I understand all of that. And I won't press her for it, like I said, I'm not worried about the money, I'm considering it already gone. I'm worried about calling someone my best friend who was more concerned with her legal right to it than how it would affect our friendship.

[kitkat620]

I'm assuming you came to some sort of financial agreement when you moved in together that she would put whatever she could afford towards the bills each month. And I'm also assuming the two of you pitched in towards the security deposit "We got our full security deposit back, but the rental company sent us each a check for half." If that were the case, and you never agreed that you would be the one to take the full security deposit when the time came, why wouldn't she think that she is entitled to 1/2 of the deposit?

But on the other hand, if you were the one who solely paid the security deposit then of course you are entitled to the full refunded deposit. And her keeping the other 1/2 is just plain wrong. I would speak up and simply ask for the other 1/2 of the security deposit.

[aw4919]

I paid 100% of the security deposit and the first month's rent.

[gdgfx]

I think the key thing to learn from this situation here is; MONEY RUINS EVERYTHING. It can ruin relationships, friendships, business partnerships. It can ruin life long marriages, it can rip apart new relationships and it can put a wedge between friends. Why? Money is a powerful asset. No matter what we try to do on this planet, it will always in one form or another; involve money. Money controls people's lives, it allows them to do what they feel they should be doing as a valued member of society like eating in fancy restaurants, buying branded clothing, buying fancy cars, houses, even planes and multi-billion dollar companies.

 

But money after all that, is the root of ALL evil. I'm pretty sure you've heard that saying before and it's true. Now the biggest mistake you made here is you put money BEFORE your friend. You say that you didn't mind that you were spending more money but when you think about it, you kinda did because look, now you've got nothing to show for it but you know what? You should of never put yourself in a position where money came near friendship. It sounds to me like you made the mistake of basing the life you both lived together on the fact that MONEY was an important part of it. When in reality, just being friends is the aspect you SHOULD of been worrying about. Without getting too complicated, you chose to help her out, you did it because you are a friend so in theory you can't go back on your word and ask for the money back because YOU MADE THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO SUPPORT YOUR BEST FRIEND. There should be NO hidden terms and conditions in the hand you gave to her, you help and that my friend is off your own back, a decision you made all by yourself. So she doesn't owe you anything but respect. It's like, if I decided to pay for a night out with my friends, I wouldn't DEMAND them all to cough up the money I spent that night two weeks down the line, if they choose to buy me a drink then fair enough but if they don't then that's up to them.

 

You should do it for the right reasons and sorry, maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like you enjoyed the control and having more money than her. And that she was constantly indebted to you, my friend, life doesn't work like that. Especially friendships. And now you are effectively demanding the money back whilst being passive submissive about it and no offense to you here but if she didn't have money in the first place, how are you going to expect her to have money now. That half of the security deposit (if it was a joint tenancy agreement) belongs to her BY LAW and she has every right to keep it, regardless of whether you gave her a million dollars and a yacht and a 50% slice of Microsoft's shares.

 

Can you see where I'm coming from? Don't do something because it will benefit you in the long term, don't do something because it strokes your ego, don't help your friends out expecting for them to be eternally indebted to you, just be a good friend and if your friends are good friends too then they will return the favour but don't be so explicit about when and how they will repay you back, repaying favours can come in many different ways.

 

You need to get off your high horse and treat your friends equally as you would like to be treated, you are no better than her because you have more money, no better than her because you were a good friend and helped her out, there are people out there that will have what you earn in a lifetime in their side door of their lavish Lamborghini, more money than you can dream of, the minute you start judging your friends based on what you've done for them is the minute you become a shallow judgemental and basic minded human being and that's no good trait to have. If you wanna help people, do it for free! Do it because you enjoy it! Do it because you expect nothing in return! Do it for love, for passion, for romance, for friendship and for loyalty. Do it for the right reasons!

 

If for example, a friend helped you out and since then constantly made you remember what he did for you, you'd question his intentions, you'd question why he really did it. Did he do it because he wanted to genuinely help me? Or did he do it because he wanted the control and power and be able to manipulate someone into feeling like they owe him something and to better you for the things he did?

 

In regards to your situation, legally she is entitled to the money if it was a joint tenancy, meaning two people who are binded to the right of living in the property and at the time of the commencement of the tenancy she paid half of the security deposit. If she did then she has every right to take it, if she didn't then she might of felt obligated to take it as being joint tenancy holder she held as much right over the tenancy and the lease of the property as much as you did. You could talk to her but like I said buddy, MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. And believe me when I say this, friendships are shattered because of those shaped metals and thin pieces of paper we chase all our lives. So I'd tread carefully, my personal opinion is leave it.

 

If she's a worthy friend she will of appreciated every thing you did for her. She will remember it and you will be an important person in her life because of it. That should be enough for you. If she doesn't believe you are and took the money out of spite or chose money over friendship then maybe it's time to shut the door on her, don't go down the power trip route of mentioning all the money you spent, money is nothing in comparison to the bonds we share with other people, always remember that, just remember that if it does get to that, you were the better person for being there for her and that you are blessed with a special personality that makes you a really good friend and you should never forget it.

 

Hope I helped

[aw4919]

Jesus Christ that was harsh. And very untrue. The only place I have ever mentioned anything about any of the money is in this anonymous post online, so suggesting that I ever threw anything in her face or exerted any type of control over her is ludicrous. Furthermore, everyone is focused on the money part. And yeah, I get it, it IS money, so why wouldn't that have something to do with it, but this isn't a dispute between roommates. This is my BEST FRIEND.

 

Ok, so let's change the situation a bit to help try to make my question clearer. Forget about the money. Let's say when we moved in, I brought a nice dresser with me and told her, 'I know you don't have a dresser right now, so you can use this because I know you'd let me use yours". And then when we move out, she KNOWS the dresser was the only one I had, she KNOWS that she has a new dresser waiting for her and I do not have one, and she takes the one I gave her anyway. I understand completely that I freely gave it to her, it has nothing to do with the loss of the item. This is the part about where I treat my friends like I expect to be treated. I also have the expectation that they feel the same way- or else I wouldn't continue the friendship. So what do I do?

 

Does that make it more clear?

[gdgfx]

I'm just stating the possible eventualities, it's very common for people to fall out over money and that's why it's ALWAYS good to remember that friendship comes before money and then if it's the case, it pretty much answers your questions regarding money and your friend. If someone stole $5000 from me and he/she was supposed to be a friend, I wouldn't make a big deal out it, yeah I could go to the police and get it back, but at the end of the day, it's not my fault, by implicating myself in the situation I only become lower than them, whilst if I sit it out and remember that this person was supposed to be a friend and that $5000 is worth nothing in comparison to a lifetime of friendship then I'm the better person, and that's the point I was trying to make.

 

In regards to what you said, you seem to be clutching at straws here arguing over money and now, furniture? It's upto you what you can do in this situation, if she is so trivial enough to take your dresser then that's her problem. She won't get anything else off you if you don't give it her, and if she's taking advantage of you thinking she will get a free ride forever, give her the opportunity to see what it's like when you take the caring side of you, the person who seems like a really good friend may I add and remove it, not because you are bitter or manipulative and want to play games. Just take away what you feel she is taking advantage of, like your generosity and selflessness and in time, she will realise.

 

Apart from that, you have been very clear and comprehensive in explaining this to me, and you are right, you are anonymous but this isn't something new. People get taking advantage of all the time from people they thought were friends same goes for relationships too. If you want me to be blunt, perhaps she isn't a friend. There I said it, is that what you were waiting for? At the end of the day, you can go two ways about this. You can let it keep happening or you can take away what you do for her and both might have positive or negative effects because, money is involved and physical belongings. And that's why it's never a good situation to get into...

 

But it's down to you. Is she a friend or is she not? If she's in it for a free ride, free stuff, free money and she isn't being what you call a good friend then it's your decision what happens next. I'm not going to tell you what to do, I don't know you or your friend but I see it from a non-judgemental equal perspective where both parties have a say, and both parties to me, could be the greatest sort of people and best sort of friends you could get roaming this planet or they could be the complete opposite of that, IT IS NOT FOR ME TO SAY, it's not my friendship but no-one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes but it's choosing to identify what classifies as a mistake to you and what classifies as a continuous pattern that affects you and this friendship. If she's take take take and no give give give then perhaps she isn't a real friend and she's constantly putting pressure on you to provide for her when she doesn't give a damn about what you do for her, or maybe she does but can't give back in the ways you want her to?

 

You have every right to stop her from taking the dresser. If she's getting another one AND taking your dresser then what does that say about her? It's pretty clear isn't it. But you can take offense to it and act out a reasonable action like talking to her, addressing the problems you have or you can let it go but the question is, how many times have you to let it go before it gets too much?

 

Work everything out. See this situation from ALL angles. And make a conscious decision because it seems to me like this is upsetting you and don't for a second hide the way you feel about a situation you can sort out yourself. If she needs to be told, and it breaks all protocols in a friendship then maybe she needs that talk. Maybe she will understand. Maybe she won't. It's all relative to what you want to happen and how she takes positives and negatives from the situation.

[amipushy]

She sees it as free money, you see it as a betrayal of friendship.

 

You should have reminded her when the lease was up that you had paid the full security deposit and therefore are expecting it back from her. But seeing as you didnt, right now all you can do is suck it up and say to yourself, its the way she is and has always been and that she doesnt realize whats happened between us and move on. OR you can suck it up, say to yourself enough is enough and dont lend her any money or help her out financially anymore. Or cut her off for her 'betrayal'. The choice is yours.

[aw4919]

She sees it as free money, you see it as a betrayal of friendship.

 

You should have reminded her when the lease was up that you had paid the full security deposit and therefore are expecting it back from her. But seeing as you didnt, right now all you can do is suck it up and say to yourself, its the way she is and has always been and that she doesnt realize whats happened between us and move on. OR you can suck it up, say to yourself enough is enough and dont lend her any money or help her out financially anymore. Or cut her off for her 'betrayal'. The choice is yours.

 

That's the choice I'm having trouble making because I can't decide if she doesn't realize what she's done. If she has found a way to justify taking the money, even if it's a weak justification, I can forgive and forget completely. If she took it in order to take advantage of me, I can not.

 

So I'm trying to figure out what the likelihood is that she felt an entitlement to it.

 

The dresser was an analogy, a stand-in for the money issue to better explain how it was making me feel.

[kitkat620]

I thoroughly understand where you're coming from. What I can't understand is why she kept that money.

A security deposit is something completely separate from rent payments. You paid the total security deposit and I feel you are deserved of the full refund. And yes, I think, by her keeping her 1/2 shows the true definition of her character. What nerve! :suspicion:

[bulletproof]

If I were in your situation, I would simply say: "I feel a little hurt and I'm confused why I didn't get the whole security deposit when I paid it in full myself." No drama, no accusations, just be up front. If she reacts poorly, and you don't think it's worth losing the friendship, then back off, and at least you tried.

 

Also, I don't think she's being malicious, just oblivious.

[einsteins_girl]

I agree with kitkat620 and bulletproof. I would ask her about it. Her response will tell you all you need to know about whether you should continue the friendship.

[aw4919]

If I were in your situation, I would simply say: "I feel a little hurt and I'm confused why I didn't get the whole security deposit when I paid it in full myself." No drama, no accusations, just be up front. If she reacts poorly, and you don't think it's worth losing the friendship, then back off, and at least you tried.

 

Also, I don't think she's being malicious, just oblivious.

 

This was pretty much my line of thought too, and I really hope I'm right. I'm more concerned with knowing the reason why than causing any kind of battle over it.

 

She's always been an excellent friend and I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[ParisPaulette]

Some people by nature are more selfish and they will, unless called out on it, simply feel they are entitled to whatever friends, family and even strangers give them. All this is in the past and I would say in the future, when it comes to money, do what I do. I put everything in writing if there's going to be a financial arrangement so there's a contract, because assuming things has ruined more friendships for me than just about anything else that's ever happened. Especially over loans where I assumed that because I would pay things back/take care of something/replace anything lost or stolen then of course the other person would too. Except what I didn't factor in is we all have different values and standards and my values and standards don't automatically rub off onto other people.

 

At this point I would sit her down and remind her of the agreement and that you need the money paid to your right now. And you collect it from her, firmly and calmly insisting she pay it without getting into a fight, and then after that you part ways and pull back and find other friends you won't feel resentful towards. Or you let her keep the money, never say anything again, and wait until the resentment explodes and you end up fighting. Either way you are going to have to do something, because being around someone you resent and angry at them all the time is not any way to spend time with someone you've called a friend.

 

Don't be too upset, this is a lesson most of us have to learn. I long ago stopped loaning money or anything to friends or did so with a very clear understanding and agreement at the time, before I gave the money out, of what and when I expected it back. And I made them put it in writing. Is it cold to do that? Well, some would feel like maybe it is, but for me it's actually saved a lot more friendships versus when I'd explode in anger and name call and get nasty after bottling it all up. Not saying you will do that, but it's just usually so much easier to sit the other person down and talk things out and get the money owed or insist they uphold their end of an agreement. And then if they don't or refuse you tell them the friendship is over and to never contact you again.

[aw4919]

I don't want the money back either way.

 

I want to continue the friendship. If she feels entitled to it, for whatever selfish reasons, that's fine. She can have it, and there is no resentment on my part. It's a difference in values, but one that I won't set myself up for again, so I see no reason to end an otherwise good friendship.

 

If she took it because she knows I'm a pushover and she can get away with it, it's time for us to part ways, sadly. The only resentment I would have is if this was the case.

[abitbroken]

I don't want the money back either way.

 

I want to continue the friendship. If she feels entitled to it, for whatever selfish reasons, that's fine. She can have it, and there is no resentment on my part. It's a difference in values, but one that I won't set myself up for again, so I see no reason to end an otherwise good friendship.

 

If she took it because she knows I'm a pushover and she can get away with it, it's time for us to part ways, sadly. The only resentment I would have is if this was the case.

 

Difference in values? The check was made out to her. Its not like she took money out of your purse or the she called the landlord and told them that she should get the money. There is no ill moral to cash a check that is made out to you. It has nothing to do with selfishness. When you "helped" her by having her pay less, you didn't expect to be repaid, did you?

 

If you don't want the money, then why bring it up? Only bring it up if you want the money back. It is passive aggressive to grill someone about why they didn't give you the money that was addressed to them, they say "okay, then i can give you the money back" and then you say "OH NO! I don't want it. Keep it." So just let sleeping dogs lie. Or you should haev brought it up IMMEDIATELY.

[aw4919]

Iney out of your purse or the she called the landlord and told them that she should get the money. There is no ill moral to cash a check that is made out to you. It has nothing to do with selfishness. When you "helped" her by having her pay less, you didn't expect to be repaid, did you?

 

If you don't want the money, then why bring it up? Only bring it up if you want the money back. It is passive aggressive to grill someone about why they didn't give you the money that was addressed to them, they say "okay, then i can give you the money back" and then you say "OH NO! I don't want it. Keep it." So just let sleeping dogs lie. Or you should haev brought it up IMMEDIATELY.

 

I disagree with this. However, If this is how she feels, there is no problem. That is a difference in values.

 

If she's knowingly taking advantage of me, with a good idea of how I would feel about it, it's not the friendship I thought it was.

 

That's the only reason I was considering bringing it up.

[catfeeder]

That's the choice I'm having trouble making because I can't decide if she doesn't realize what she's done. If she has found a way to justify taking the money, even if it's a weak justification, I can forgive and forget completely. If she took it in order to take advantage of me, I can not.

 

My heart goes out to you, this is an 'ick' situation.

 

You mentioned that she was a bit selfish. Could this be a wake up call that while it may have been easier on you to overlook this characteristic while living with her, maybe it could serve you better going forward to see her more clearly?

 

Since this is only going to bug you and impact your feelings for her anyway, you don't really have anything to lose by saying next time you see her, "You know, I realize that I've raised the question of you receiving that security check several times, so I need to come right out and ask: are you aware that I paid the full security, and the full amount of the return was supposed to be mine?"

 

Then you can observe how she responds. And that will give you the information you need to know.

 

I understand that it's not about the money, yet if you truly want to know whether she's aware of what she's doing, raise it and let the chips fall. You'll see exactly where she stands, and then you can marinate with that for a while and make a more informed choice about where you want to stand with friend going forward.

 

Head high.

[itsallgrand]

I think a friend who would allow you to pay her way for two years - that is essentially what you did for two years, help pay her way - of course would have no problems with keeping 'her' portion of the security deposit when it came in!

The fact that she was a-ok with a friend putting a roof over her head for that long, without giving back equally in some other form, told you all you need to know.

 

She is an adult, right?! I agree 100% with you in not repeating this again for a friend, or anyone.

 

Perhaps you think I am being harsh, or lacking compassion, by saying this...but I have yet to meet a friend who is a friend as an equal, who would let a friend do that for them when there is no good reason for it. And even if there was a good reason, pride would kick in and they would be busting their butt doing things to show you they don't expect it, and you would never have the doubts you have now about your friend.

 

I think it is as simple as she has a sense of entitlement, and it's not personal to you, she'd do it wherever she could get away with it.

[Natasha24]

I paid 100% of the security deposit and the first month's rent.

 

Then you should be getting 100% of the returned security deposit.

 

It doesn't matter what percentage she paid of each month's rent. That security deposit came out of your pocket, it should go back in your pocket.

 

I understand your dilemma about "If she took it because she needs it, that's okay. If she took it because she knows I'm a push over, that's not okay".

 

I really don't think there's a good way to go about this. No matter what you say, no matter how nicely you word it.. She's probably going to get offended. But to be honest, if she NEEDED it, wouldn't she have said that from the beginning? She knows full well that she didn't pay a dime of the security deposit. When she got the cheque, she should have contacted you and said "Hey, I got half of the security deposit back, but I need it for [reason]. Is that okay?" The fact that she didn't say anything until YOU brought it up makes me think that she knows exactly what she did. And that's not the type of person I would want to be friends with.

[user4000]

I know exactly what you feel like from reading your post. It isn't about the money at all or if you deserved it, it is the fact that your friend didn't care that you deserved it. I had this friend who was my best friend for 8 years. For one year, we lived in the same city and she would just assume that I would pick her up when we were going to hang out or anything and quite frankly, I didn't mind doing it. She lived completely accross town (about a 40 minute drive from my apartment) but I didn't care. Then eventually it was like, hey, this girl isn't giving me any gas money, doesn't say thank you, and doesn't care that I have to drive an hour and a half for this. One time she was at my place and her sister called her and offered to pick her up and she declined saying I would drive her back home. Like, it would have been really nice not to have to drive you home and then drive myself home (an hour and a half). Or she could have taken the bus which stopped right in front of my apartment and then again right in front of hers! Eventually I realized that we just have completely different values and ideas of what is fair in our friendship. I realized that we always did. It seems this way with you and your friend as well....you never really minded because you were otherwise happy...those differences just slipped away. In my opinion, you definitely have different values. For me and my friend, I decided that I would still be her friend but that I don't trust her the same way as I once did. I will never EVER offer her a drive anywhere or if she assumed I would pick her up, I would say I couldn't for whatever reason. That aspect is off the table and I guard myself her with more. You don't have to stop being someones friend but you can definitely change the way you are friends. Hope that helps! Also, on the money thing.... I'd just count your lucky stars it wasn't worse than it was and move on. That's what I try to say to myself when I feel cheated. "Wow, I got off easy"