FloridaGator Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Hello, Divorced man in his late 30's here, 3 kids...all preteens. Had a crappy marriage....grew apart and there was nothing left between us but anger and frustration. That was about a year and a half ago that it ended. I dated quite a bit and finally came accross someone that I started to grow close to, the relationship was newly exclusive and she asked me not to reveal to my ex yet. Well my ex and I had stayed way too much in contact in dealing with the kids, I see that now and after this have cut her out of communication. Still fought a lot, she was nosy and generally confrontational. I was always telling her to butt out of my stuff and what I did was not her business anymore. Well, one day my ex had seen enough clues to figure us out and she pushed all the right buttons until I snapped and confirmed everything. As only an ex can do. My ex contacted the woman by phone and chewed her ear off with every negative thing I did with her and told her to "watch out". Said she was doing her a favor, I know better. It was an attack. It was horrible of her and my new friend was actually fine with that after a few days. What she is not fine with her is that I slipped up....she feels that I betrayed her by confirming the relationship when she told me not to and that she can't trust me. It hit some real hot buttons with her from a prior relationship. Very unsure here, these are her feelings and I can't change them. They say that broken trust is something that just never is the same once lost and that makes me worry. Not sure if I should keep trying with her or not, she is still very hot about what happened. I understand her view and really did reflect on it, I told her so. Waited a day and offered a sincere apology that she did accept, she is really struggling with the trust part. I want to and am putting the effort in but I have this shadow in my mind that she will never trust me again. I can own up to me breaking and confirming but this was a battle with an ex, it wasn't something I did on purpose. We are talking but it is a lot colder and there is tension there. I want to give it time but not sure if this is doomed or not, if it is over I really see no point in dragging it out. I don't want it to be though, I really have feelings here. One unsure gator here, I just want what was lost and am looking for some opinions Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 "It hit some real hot buttons with her from a prior relationship." - You saying she never dealt with her past relationships yet? That is not your problem. You can't walk around trying to 'avoid things', to her benefit. "Well my ex and I had stayed way too much in contact in dealing with the kids, I see that now and after this have cut her out of communication. Still fought a lot, she was nosy and generally confrontational." As for the EX. She has to be told. Back off, already. She is no longer with you. She can NOT have any more control! the ONLY thing you two need to discus any further are re: the kids. Not sure I see this as a real 'trust' issue? Yes. she asked you not to say anything, BUT you fell thru ONLY because of the torment & control of your Ex, in which you did then inform her. Either way, it should NOT matter what you're doing or seeing, etc. Give her another week and see if she feels she wants to go on any longer.. or not. And be honest with your feelings for her. And please... get it straight with your EX. You owe her nothing, anymore! Link to comment
Di84 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think she will cool off and get over it. It's not a big deal and given the situation, you kind of had to spill the beans to your ex. If you've already apologized to the new woman, then just give her some time. If she really cares about you, she will get over it I'm sure. If she can't get over it then it seems she has serious trust issues that she needs to work on before considering being in a new relationship. That is out of your hands. I say give her a week and then ask her about it again. If she's still unsure and acting cold, then why do you want to even be with someone who is this sensitive and clearly has trust issues? Link to comment
FloridaGator Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 @SooSad33 - Thanks for the reply. Regarding the ex - the hammer was dropped hard, didn't think that was relevant to the question but I will not stand for interference again. Radical change in contact. only thing allowed is cell to cell calls and even then I will only let them go to VM. Way too entitled and that was my fault for allowing it. That's what you get for trying to be good about it for the kids and the other one can't let go. Ironic since she called for the Divorce. @Di84 - Thank you as well. And both of you call into question her fragility, I can't discount that either as it was something I was aware of. But I am trying to see from her perspective as any good friend or partner would. In some way me breaking "trust" as it were was too close to home and what caused her first divorce, who among us would not Blow a gasket a little over that? She was opening up and then this....maybe an excuse....who knows? Either way it's not changing how I play it, still mostly responding and only reaching out every once in a while just to let her know I am still thinking of her. She is reaching out a few times a day if I back off....so there is something there. Tough to read, and I am usually good at that until feelings are involved. Thanks again... Link to comment
aussielis Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 gawd i know the feeling, his x started texting me telling me my partner didnt want to be with me but i didnt reject him maybe i should also done the same Link to comment
jjkk Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Lay down the boundaries w/ your ex and stick to them, like soosad suggested. Let her know you've done this, then stick to your boundaries w/ the ex. It's the only way you can show your current gf you're serious about standing your ground w/ your ex. Other than that, I don't really see what else you can do. The rest is her responsibility. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 You must have told your ex a lot of information if she could get your gf phone number! I would be angry too! You need to learn to protect the ones you love & put boundaries up against the ones you don't! Your ex has no say in your new life unless it is damaging to your children Link to comment
Lito Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 You must have told your ex a lot of information if she could get your gf phone number! I would be angry too! You need to learn to protect the ones you love & put boundaries up against the ones you don't! Your ex has no say in your new life unless it is damaging to your children ^^^ THIS Maybe more than the broken trust, what your girlfriend resents is the fact that you didn't protect her. To use a known metaphore, close the door in your relationship with your ex, only communicate through the window, for matter regarding your children. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 How long has it been since your divorce was finalized before you started dating this new woman? How long have you been dating the new woman? Link to comment
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