Was breaking up with him the right thing to do?

[Arenty]

It's really long, but I'm feeling so guilty.

...

I started seeing this guy somewhere back in February and we started off a little rocky but it was good for a month or so.

 

We always fought a lot, which is odd for me because I rarely ever get into arguments with anyone. Initially it was because he was pressurizing me a lot for sex and well, wanted to keep it a secret.

 

We're in the same class in college, I'm 20, hes 19, so we spend a lot of time together. Like 6-8 hours a day minimum. In the start he'd go out a lot with his friends, catch up at least once a week. But sometime in May I think, he started hanging with them extremely rarely. All his free time, that is time not in college, he insisted we spend together. Also, I wasn't so comfortable with having sex with him that soon, I know, 4 months is a long time, but I'm a virgin and something was just making me wait. But every time we were together, we'd end up having an argument about how I was not trusting him enough for sex.

 

Well anyway, we both have grueling month long exams, all of May, and we weren't going to spending all day in college. So he started complaining a lot about me not meeting him, like fights if i wouldn't reply to texts immediately. Also he texts me all day. The minute he drops me home, I get a text and that goes on till night.

 

I told him a lot of times that he should go out with his friends and family, spend time with them too and not be constantly texting me when hes out. I go out with my friends and I have a huge family and I never text when I'm with people. Then he would skip a lecture if i was skipping it. Would get really mad if I skipped one without telling him. I finally told him that I need some space and it was getting suffocating for me. He agreed to back off a little. But that didn't change much. I also have the male friend in class, which he was really mad about. If I spoke to the friend for more than 5 seconds he'd walk out. I told him clearly there was absolutely nothing between us and I'm allowed my friends as he is. He always said he's kidding but his behavior when I spoke to this guy was awful. This one time I was talking to the friend in the corridor and he came up from behind, saw me, and walked away. So after 5 minutes I followed him and asked him why didn't he stay and talk, and he said i'd come running so I clearly had a guilty conscience. That's when I finally broke down, I almost cried in class. The next day I spoke to him and told him I can't do this anymore. He was mad, but he thought we'd break up, still remain friends and in love. After repeatedly explaining to him that I couldn't be the same he pretended like nothing happened. After that he just messages me all day about how much he wants it and how I'm ruining our lives by not giving him a second shot.

 

I feel so guilty about hurting him. I know he means well and he is really fond of me. But I can't deal with his constant demand for attention or love or affection. Maybe I'm just an extremely cold person. Am I doing him wrong by leaving him? I do love him, but I can never go back to being in a relationship with him. He can probably make another girl feel very special with the attention, but I can't do that.

 

I feel like I've been a class A here and broken his heart for no good reason

[jjkk]

No guilt necessary. It sounds like you did the right thing. Feeling sad and missing him, even feeling sad that he's hurt are all normal and OK and over time it will go away but no guilt! Had you stayed you would have continued to feel suffocated until it turned into resentment and disdain for him and it would have ended anyway. It's a good lesson for him, too, about keeping his independence and allowing a S.O. their space when they ask for it. It's the consequence of his actions. Hopefully you can both learn and grow from this.

 

You haven't been a jerk. The truth is you'll probably both have your hearts broken again, it's how things go in life and in the end, you'll both be OK and move on and find someone else. Best wishes!

[beingawesome]

Definitely sounds like you did the right thing. There are a ton of red flags here: isolating himself (codependent behavior), pressuring you about sex, getting overly possessive and jealous. He also sounds ridiculously clingy. You don't owe him a relationship or a second chance, so don't let him guilt you into something you know isn't right for you. Just keep moving forward! Best of luck

[Arenty]

Thank you for the wishes, jjkk and beingawesome

I guess you're right, I will miss him and having him around, but the idea of being in the same situation with him doesn't appeal to me anymore. I used to adore him earlier, he's smart and funny and really interesting. But I just can't seem to see that side of him anymore I really truly hope he finds happiness and that we may once again be friends someday, but for now I will let him be. I went through a really nasty breakup a year ago, mostly because it was long distance and I guess I was extremely clingy with the constant texting. Just hate the idea of causing him even a little bit of the pain I remember going through. But I guess I can't be with him just to spare him the hurt, have tried reducing it in every way possible, but some things are inevitable I suppose.

[SpottiOtti]

You definitely did the right thing, and he needs to learn that is no way to behave in a relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Definitely sounds like you did the right thing. There are a ton of red flags here: isolating himself (codependent behavior), pressuring you about sex, getting overly possessive and jealous. He also sounds ridiculously clingy. You don't owe him a relationship or a second chance, so don't let him guilt you into something you know isn't right for you. Just keep moving forward! Best of luck

 

I agree and would add that you should stop all communications with him. Block him on your phone. It will help you stop feeling guilty faster. He's trying to manipulate you.

[ParisPaulette]

To answer your own question--yes. You just saved yourself from entering into an abusive relationship, emotionally or worse. Read the signs--his actions mirror a number of points given in the following list. Enough so that you need to realize that you should validate your own intuuition and stop letting him manipulate you into second guessing yourself over breaking up with him. And yes, it is manipulation.

 

Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships: link removed

 

He fits enough of the points on there to be of serious concern. And whereas a normal guy might get upset with you, they'd agree and see the point of why you want to take a break and back off. NOT now run you on a guilt trip trying to manipulate you into taking them back.

 

You didn't ruin this guy's anything except take away the target he had in his sites to control. And yes, that's a harsh view, but decades of working in and around the victims of such abusive types of personalities has led me to believe the last thing people need to be when they run into someone with these characteristics is beign "nice" and feeling "guilty" that you just said no to being manipulated, controlled, isolated and set up for future abuse that may or may not included physical, but certainly emotional and psychological.

 

Trust your intuition on this one. It's actually okay to be assertive and say no if you're a woman or a man who finds themselves on the receiving end of someone you know is acting strange or who makes you uncomfortable and then lays a guilt trip on you for listening to your intuition. At best when someone does that to you they're just trying to guilt you into loaning them your car even when you know they'll probably bring it back with the gas tank on empty and a dent in the fender. At worst they're luring you in to do you physical harm. Sorry, no. You aren't being harsh enough. You need to tell him, "I said no, it's over" then block and delete him and do not respond to anything he says or does, and I do mean anything.

 

You've just dodged a huge bullet, I hope you continue to do so and learn to spot this type of person and have them out the door before they get a toe in.

[Sedrick]

He may be tough to get rid of.

 

This could take a while.

[ParisPaulette]

I recommend you read Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear" and specifically the chapter "I was trying to let him down easy."

[Arenty]

Thank you so much everyone. It's been almost a month since I ended things with him, and last night he found out I'd been talking to another guy so he called me 30 times continuously till the point I was scared and had to block him on whatsapp and switch off my phone. I have to see him everyday though and am feeling like such a mess with no emotional capacity to deal with this everyday.

[beingawesome]

If you have reached a point where you feel scared by him and his actions, please PLEASE do not hesitate to let your school's administration know. I've had friends do so in similar situations, and there is no shame in protecting yourself from someone who might escalate.