Approaching

[Sirko123]

Ok so I have a question that is bothering me for a long time. When I approach women I always get the same result. I go for it with a smile on my face, introduce myself flirt a bit(but obvious enough for her to know that I want something more then friendship) I make some jokes I flirt openly (but not in a douchy way) and I ALWAYS get the same result. Whatever girl I approach she will always answer with one word, WHY is that? What does it mean? Is that her way of saying that I should off? Or stay there? Its really confusing me! Its like they cant hold a conversation with a rock. Can someone please tell me what that means? Its really frustrating. Im a good looking open guy with a good sense of humor. But I cant seem to find a girl that would like to be with me. I just want an open relationship, someone to love me for who Iam. I usually approach girls in a night club.

 

PLEASE enlighten me. I beg of you. (Sorry for my bad English, since its not my native language.)

 

 

~Thanks in advance.

[DancingFool]

So what exactly are you saying to them? Can you give some examples where you say x and then you get the Why is that response?

[a800w]

First of all, I don't usually trust guys too much when they approach me in a night club. Mostly, people are there to have a good time. There may be other people who disagree with this, but I am definitely NOT looking for a relationship when I'm at a club; I look to have fun. The environment plus the flirting can make girls uncomfortable. If you're looking for a relationship, it might be better to approach a girl-not at a club- and be her friend, because I wouldn't want to talk to a guy in a club who is trying overly hard to flirt with me.

[Edmund Exley]

Its an art. Some of us have it, others don't.

 

You need to find another way to meet girls if approaching strangers doesn't work for you.

[DancingFool]

Another thought is you say that you flirt a bit, but are you failing to read that they are flirting back? Without being there, it's hard to tell, but they could just be playfully giving you a little hard time to see how determined you are. I wonder if that is something that is flying over your head because you are approaching with a script in mind and when it's not going according to the script exactly, you are getting lost.

 

If the guy is flirtatious, I'd expect him to handle a little teasing or being given some playful hard time and come back with something witty and funny or teasing back.

[Sirko123]

Another thought is you say that you flirt a bit, but are you failing to read that they are flirting back? Without being there, it's hard to tell, but they could just be playfully giving you a little hard time to see how determined you are. I wonder if that is something that is flying over your head because you are approaching with a script in mind and when it's not going according to the script exactly, you are getting lost.

 

If the guy is flirtatious, I'd expect him to handle a little teasing or being given some playful hard time and come back with something witty and funny or teasing back.

 

I dont really prepare a speach when I approach a girl ( or a script as you said) I improvise, and no I dont really get lost if someone teases me, I was never left speachless or confused/lost. The part of "Handle a little tease" hmmm. It may be teasing, but I dont think so, I cant really describe in words how they look like when I make my move. Its like they are acting all high and mighty making faces and keeping their head high. Its like they feel emberased talking to me(or they dont want others to see that). So they "one word ignore" me so I go away. I know this doesent make sense but thats what Im feeling. Thanks for the feedback it really helped me!

[Sirko123]

First of all, I don't usually trust guys too much when they approach me in a night club. Mostly, people are there to have a good time. There may be other people who disagree with this, but I am definitely NOT looking for a relationship when I'm at a club; I look to have fun. The environment plus the flirting can make girls uncomfortable. If you're looking for a relationship, it might be better to approach a girl-not at a club- and be her friend, because I wouldn't want to talk to a guy in a club who is trying overly hard to flirt with me.

I really appreciate your answer! Maybe Im looking in the wrong place for all this time. If a night club is not a good place to get a relationship, could you tell me what place is?

~Thanks alot of the comment!

[Sirko123]

So what exactly are you saying to them? Can you give some examples where you say x and then you get the Why is that response?

 

Hm I cant really give you an example because its all spontanious I dont prepare a speach when I go for it. The mere fact that whatever I ask I get an one word answer. Examples: Hello, whats up? - Nothing. Then the awkward silence. Then I continue asking questions in hope she will get more comfortable because she isnt asking any questions.(Or I flirt with comments like your hair is wonderful and the response is Thanks). After 10 minutes of asking her for her interests and her hobys I simply always get an 1-2 word answer. Then I just walk away with saying "ok, have a wonderfull rest of the night" or something like that. I simply cant grasp the meaning of answers like that. If you could help me out, please do!

 

~Thanks for the comment !!

[lostandhurt]

Okay the one word answers are her being polite but she is not interested in you. Pretty simple.

 

Doing the cold walk up takes guts so I commend you for it but you have to be able to read and handle the rejection that comes with it.

 

It usually isn't advisable to just walk up to a girl at a club if no eye contact has been made. If you catch her eye and she smiles and turns away it is a good sign but if you catch her eye and she looks away quickly you best bet is to keep looking.

 

If the clubs have dancing then my friend you need to learn how to dance! Girls/Women LOVE to dance and it is a great ice breaker.

 

And one more thing. You shouldn't be out looking for a relationship. You should be looking for a girl that shares common interests, morals and goals that might turn into a relationship. What I am saying is to take baby steps. Far to many guys meet a nice girl and get way to excited and move way to fast.

 

Set your goals on just meeting some nice people and let it go from there.

 

I do agree that a club might not be your best place to meet someone. Although I met plenty of women at clubs and got their numbers...

 

Lost

[Batya33]

I'd be careful about teasing because you have no idea what her sense of humor is or how she feels about that kind of joke/teasing from a stranger. I'd try to meet women in environments where you're all there because of a similar interest -sports/dancing/art/books, etc. I would avoid clubs because unless you're going to ask someone to dance that requires a more cold/stranger approach.

[abitbroken]

With all of the people worried about stranger dangers, a guy who just comes up to me cold and starts chatting at any place other than a networking event might not get a wonderful reception. You have to have a reason to talk to them. If they are exiting the coffee shop with a really unusual drink, a "that looks good, what is that?" is sure to get a response of "oh, its the regular latte, I just asked them to add melted chocolate to the whipped cream." And you can ask her how much she asks for. If she is in a hurry, just say, "i am going to try that, thanks" and next time she sees you, she recognizes you as a friendly person. It doesn't sound like you are coming on to them at all.

 

You have to find ways of talking to people and not just the girls you find attractive. There are so many things you can say without going into your schtick - walking up with a smile and teasing them a little. You are not reading a woman correctly apparently, but teasing is something not all women like or think a guy that teases them the first thing off the bat doesn't respect them, is going to treat them like a child, etc, or not take them seriously.

 

Believe me, if a woman is looking for someone to date, you get her into a conversation and she RESPONDS to you and finds you attractive, you might get some hints about when she'll be at that place next so you can continue the conversation. I think you have to work on reading women, too.

[notalady]

First of all, I don't usually trust guys too much when they approach me in a night club. Mostly, people are there to have a good time. There may be other people who disagree with this, but I am definitely NOT looking for a relationship when I'm at a club; I look to have fun. The environment plus the flirting can make girls uncomfortable. If you're looking for a relationship, it might be better to approach a girl-not at a club- and be her friend, because I wouldn't want to talk to a guy in a club who is trying overly hard to flirt with me.

 

I'm the same.

 

I suggest trying online dating and joining social groups / interest groups / events where you can meet new people.

[Sirko123]

Wow, great advice thank you alot! Its just that I think that I dont have that "stranger danger vibe" going on Iam pretty friendly and open. But nevertheless great advice thanks for sharing your experience!

[Sirko123]

NO trust me Im not that kind of guy that only looks for girls for a one night stand I have morals, I would never do something so low as to dump a girl after sex. And Iam looking for a girl with common interest, I would never date a girl just for her looks no matter how beautifull/hot she is! The advice for just having a fun night out and meeting nice people is really nice of you, Ill try that the next time Im out in da club !

 

~Thanks again for the awesome comment!

[Sirko123]

I'd be careful about teasing because you have no idea what her sense of humor is or how she feels about that kind of joke/teasing from a stranger. I'd try to meet women in environments where you're all there because of a similar interest -sports/dancing/art/books, etc. I would avoid clubs because unless you're going to ask someone to dance that requires a more cold/stranger approach.

 

Thanks for the comment! The thing about being careful at teasing,,, hmm, I dont really wanna be careful because if we dont share the same sense of humor and likes/dislikes. Then my attraction to her is going down. If we cant make eachother laugh and share together the moments in doing things that we both love, then what's the point in being together? For sex? I'd rather pass.

 

The avoiding clubs if you're not there for the dancing part and meeting girls at environments we're all there for similiar interest, that is really good advice! Ill use it in the future!

 

~Thanks for the awesome comment!

[Sirko123]

I'm the same.

 

I suggest trying online dating and joining social groups / interest groups / events where you can meet new people.

 

It does sound nice but the fact that we(were I live, almost have no interest groups/events) is kind of a downfall. But we do have some social groups. Maybe ill try that!

 

~Thanks for the awesome comment !

[abitbroken]

It does sound nice but the fact that we(were I live, almost have no interest groups/events) is kind of a downfall. But we do have some social groups. Maybe ill try that!

 

~Thanks for the awesome comment !

 

link removed. And look at the events calendar in the paper. there ARE things to do. Even a town near me with population 1200 has events. Try Toastmasters, foreign language conversation groups. groups that like to advocate for something that you advocate for, volunteering, etc.

 

Wow, great advice thank you alot! Its just that I think that I dont have that "stranger danger vibe" going on Iam pretty friendly and open. But nevertheless great advice thanks for sharing your experience!

 

You don't know how you come accross. If a woman is having a rough day or is not prepared, and you are not a comic genius, a teasing comment can make her put a wall up and might not come acros the right way. Even if she has a good sense of humor - it is weird and out of left field for stranger to make a crack at her. If you fell and then made a little lighthearted crack about your own sense of grace, that is one thing, or about the place you are in, but teasing HER - no. Not until you know her.

[DancingFool]

Hm I cant really give you an example because its all spontanious I dont prepare a speach when I go for it. The mere fact that whatever I ask I get an one word answer. Examples: Hello, whats up? - Nothing. Then the awkward silence. Then I continue asking questions in hope she will get more comfortable because she isnt asking any questions.(Or I flirt with comments like your hair is wonderful and the response is Thanks). After 10 minutes of asking her for her interests and her hobys I simply always get an 1-2 word answer. Then I just walk away with saying "ok, have a wonderfull rest of the night" or something like that. I simply cant grasp the meaning of answers like that. If you could help me out, please do!

 

~Thanks for the comment !!

 

Well the "stranger danger" to my mind is a bit of a demographic issue perhaps. In the early to mid 20's it's what most do on the weekends and how they meet people. So I don't think choice of venue is an issue really.

 

However, what you are saying above...well...there is your problem as they say. She has nothing to respond to but for a one word acknowledgment. I mean what can she say to "what's up" or "I like your hair". Need to come up with something else. Ditto on asking about hobbies. A lot of people don't really have anything or they just aren't into talking about their scrapbooking at a club while out dancing.

 

Anyway, in a club situation, it's all about body language anyway. Not really a place for deep meaningful conversations. You can barely hear over the music anyway. As already pointed out, look for eye contact and a smile. That's your invitation to come on over. If you choose to approach without that, expect to meet some rejection and attitude. Some women are nice about it, some are downright nasty.

[catfeeder]

I would skip walking up to women and acting overly familiar--that's a turn off.

 

If clubs must be your avenue, I'd just ask women to dance and then leave them alone, whether they dance with you or not. Over time you'll get a rep as a harmless gentleman who's only there to dance, so regulars will get the message that dancing with you won't mean you'll stick to them like glue all night. Maybe send them a drink after, but don't put strings on it by trying to hang out with them.

 

Over time you'll be a familiar and friendly face, and women are more likely to open up to you--and possibly even pursue you if you're a good dancer who doesn't over-sexualize the experience or attempt to come onto them or hang onto them if they dance with you.

[MikNomis]

OK there can be any number of reasons and we won’t truly know since none of us can see what you do and how you do it. However, based on the info we do have, some common things could be:

 

1. You’re boring them, which means your ability to hold an interesting conversation with a girl needs work. It’s not enough that you smile, approach them, and ask questions. Nope, the conversation itself has to be good. If you don’t get them to laugh or at least a genuine smile, then you have not been successful my friend.

2. You’re not attractive enough. Sounds shallow, I know but I’m just being honest here. If this is really the case, then it’s possible you lost before you even began and they already decided they don’t want to talk to you before you ever started. Only really smooth talkers can make it past such a disadvantage. The club is easily one of the most shallowest places you’ll ever be. It’s here that people judge by looks more than anywhere else. You said you look good and it’s great that you have a healthy sense of self esteem. Just make sure you’re right, and if you’re not then make it so.

3. You have a certain something that might be socially awkward. It could be anything, for example maybe you don’t know it but you’re really really loud when you speak. Or maybe you stare really intensely at a person when you speak to them, or maybe you have a creeper smile who knows. See this is one of those things that we can’t really identify over the internet so I have no choice but to skip this. Maybe if you have one of those friends that are brutally honest you can ask them.

 

Maybe it’s just me, but you give me the vibe of a typical nice guy, with a little bit of lonely, borderline going into desperate. Girls pick up on such vibes really well, so watch out for that. Don’t shower a girl you just met with compliments, or any of the other typical nice guy things *if* you’re guilty of that.

And yeah, like others have said a club isn’t a good place for finding a relationship. Yes the density of females is high, but because the whole culture is about fun, dancing the night away, plus alcohol being involved, the majority of the time anything that happens is just drunk hookups. I find that most people find their partner through networking with friends. Is this not a possibility for you?

 

And by the way, when you go to the club who are you going with? Buddies? Do you guys wingman for each other, and do any of them have success? How old are you?

[Synerjist]

First of all, I don't usually trust guys too much when they approach me in a night club. Mostly, people are there to have a good time. There may be other people who disagree with this, but I am definitely NOT looking for a relationship when I'm at a club; I look to have fun. The environment plus the flirting can make girls uncomfortable. If you're looking for a relationship, it might be better to approach a girl-not at a club- and be her friend, because I wouldn't want to talk to a guy in a club who is trying overly hard to flirt with me.

 

See, this is a serious social miscommunication that somehow hasn't become common knowledge by now in our culture. It dumbfounds me, frankly: Girls are generally in a nightclub to have fun because they find nightclubs fun. Men generally aren't in nightclubs to have fun because, well... they're awful places that aren't really fun. We're there to meet women (that generally don't want to be met).

 

I say we, but I personally avoid the places like the plague. I'm more if a hip pub or live music venue kind of guy than that noise. I'd urge guys to stop going to clubs altogether and leave it to women to have their fun, but I kinda get why they do it. What are the other options these days? Are there singles bars anymore? If there are, I certainly haven't found any. Happy hours aren't mingley anymore. It's the default answer in 2014 to, "I'm single, where do I go on a Friday night to meet single women?". "Da club, of course!". Even if it's a s__t suggestion, and you'll inevitably annoy a bunch of women.