Where to go from here?

[scarlet486]

Hey guys! Looking for some advice. I met D online a little over a year ago, he just turned 26 and I'm 28. We talked for a few weeks and then eventually went on a date to dinner where we talked all nite and eventually went back to his place to watch a movie. After that initial date we kinda both went quiet and would connect here and there. He eventually came out and said the he liked me but wasn't good at expressing his feelings at all. We would continue to get together a few times a month (He lives an hour away). After a month of this I asked him where this was going. All I got was "Idk" and "I need time to work on myself before I get into a relationship." I started NC and a few days later he ended up getting into a relationship with another girl. It ended up only lasting a few weeks before he broke it off. Our NC lasted a few months before we contacted each other again. In the last 8 months we've continued to text off and on and he has told me I am one of his best friends. He will text me with his girl problems or when he's stressed or having a bad night. We occasionally hook up (I know, I shouldn't!). This past weekend for his birthday I bought him a ticket and took him with me to see one of our favorite bands. We sang and laughed and talked the whole 2 hours there and back. Of course when I dropped him off we hooked up again. We "check off" all of the "wants" on our dating lists but for whatever reason he has it in his head that he wants a short, skinny blonde. I am a tall, average, brown haired girl. I know he is being completely shallow. He always instantly replies to my text messages and we are always talking about sports and cars and things like that. I think I've friendzoned myself a good bit.

 

He had been drinking the night of the concert and was talking about this 43 year old chick he could hook up with. I told him that he shouldn't, that he could find someone better. His reply was "you're just jealous it's not you". Ouch..but he was drunk. Also when we got back to his house and he asked me if I wanted to come in I wasn't sure and he said "I figured you would because I know how you are when it comes to me." So yeah..

 

Problem is I am head over heels pretty much in love with this boy after a year of constant contact. I need outside opinions. My friends do not like him because of the way they feel he treats me. Give me the tough love ladies/Gents!

[mhowe]

You are a FWB and he is using your feelings without reciprocal feeling for you.

This is a dead end.

[scarlet486]

I feel like that is the case too honestly. Ugh

[abitbroken]

Okay, after an intense first date, he told you he is "not good with feelings" and disappeared. And you ignored. He laid it all out for you that while he had a good time, you didn't do it for him. You help create the FWB situation by agreeing to meet up again and again on his terms only. One hour is NOT that far. That is the same city or metro area. The distance is not what kept you apart. When a guy hardly sees you and then confides in you about his girl problems, that is when you disappear yourself unless you just want a pal.

 

I guess I can't understand why you are head over heels for someone that barely sees you, is clearly dating women and has the audacity to talk of his potential scores in front of you and TO you? There are better guys out there - ones that are crazy about brunettes and are quite tall and therefore like tall girls or like it when their girl is eye to eye with them. And if you can talk about cars - there are a couple of guys on this board that would probably find you appealing for sure. So don't settle for this. Cut contact. This is no good for you. Also, he is not a gentleman if he is sleeping with you and also talking about other girls he can bed.

[Gemini528]

He knows he has you and he can hook up w you without having to commit! The fact that you let him treat you like this says you don't respect yourself therefore he doesn't have to respect you either or respect how you feel about him. It does sound like y'all have a good friendship on which to build on, but you need to stop being his doormat! The only way to change things is to let him feel what life would really b like without you in it! Maybe by the time he finally comes around you won't care anymore. And if he never does you won't care either

[scarlet486]

Thank you for the advice! He never texts to ask how my day was or what I'm up to. It's always about his stress and his problems. He won't come and see me because "he's broke" and "It's too much in gas". I've deleted his number so many times and after a month of so he always comes back around. We love the same football team so he will draw me back in with sports talk. How do I play this now? If he texts do I just not reply? What do I do?

[scarlet486]

He did cry in front of me on the way home over his friend that died, And I do believe that I am one of his best friends and I have been the only girl in his life to stick around this long. I do care for him and would like to continue the friendship.

[mhowe]

What does he do FOR you?

[scarlet486]

I can't say that he does anything honestly.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for the advice! He never texts to ask how my day was or what I'm up to. It's always about his stress and his problems. He won't come and see me because "he's broke" and "It's too much in gas". I've deleted his number so many times and after a month of so he always comes back around. We love the same football team so he will draw me back in with sports talk. How do I play this now? If he texts do I just not reply? What do I do?

 

Yes. When he texts, don't reply if he texts you after not contacting you for a long time. He will eventually give up contacting you. Football talk is meaningless. Anything but "i decided I want to date only you" is meaningless. But who wants to date someone who talks about other girls?

 

If you talked to him recently, so the text would be in reply to what you said, I would tell him straight up not to contact you anymore.

 

He doesn't want to see you because this way he can keep you as his counselor.

 

He did cry in front of me on the way home over his friend that died, And I do believe that I am one of his best friends and I have been the only girl in his life to stick around this long. I do care for him and would like to continue the friendship.

 

Don't believe the crocodile tears. Why do women think a guy crying around them means that they are so intimately comfortable with them so it means they have a relationship?

 

And you stuck around this long - the others rightfully head for the hills. You are the only one who accepts being treated badly. Not something commendable. You can DO BETTER. DO not be the girl who just craves so much attention she will take anything, which you are

[SoulTaker]

I can't say that he does anything honestly.

 

So why do you want to be with someone who does nothing for you? Just because he places you into the "friend-zone" doesn't mean you have to accept it.

 

Whether you're thinking this way, or not, it looks like you're hanging around hoping that he will eventually see the light, and will hook up with you. That's kind of pitiful. Have some respect for yourself. Save your time and effort for someone who wants to be with you.

[CeeLambrini]

He's not only using you, but being as disrespectful as he can in order to prove that you're not going anywhere. He's not going to ever respect a girl for sticking around after he says things like "I figured you would (come and have sex with me) because I know how you are when it comes to me"

I think you've seriously put him on a pedestal here, and he knows it. Even in some obscure universe where you were actually best friends - that's not how best friends, or any friends talk or treat each other. You would be able to say to your "best friend" that the way they spoke to you was inappropriate and disrespectful and that you needed to think about whether or not you intend to remain friends or not. Then you would wait for this "best friend" to approach you with an apology and begging for forgiveness.

 

This crying over his friend - whilst drunk, is natural for grievers. You could have been anyone and once that thought entered his head, he would have become upset - this isn't anything special.

 

I honestly don't see what you see in him as any kind of potential partner. He sleeps around, and with you. He has decided that you and your looks aren't good enough for a relationship with (yet will happily sleep with you when there is nobody else). He has decided that he is superior to you, and will always have you at his beck and call. What part of him screams "great relationship" to you? Even if you one day reach your goal, are you going to be comfortable every time a "skinny blonde" enters his life, knowing that he will be more attracted to her than he ever was to you?

[BigKK]

I will give you some insight...

 

this will sound crude but its from a close friend of mine... he is a good person, but currently his only mission is to sleep with as many girls as possible

 

You are one of the girls in his "rotation"

 

at least my friend will do SOMETHING for these girls, he's still a nice guy, but he's upfront about no relationship, and he looks into his phonebook and picks which girl he wants on what night. You're one of those girls.

 

he talks to me about them, how it's funny that "the sex is pretty good, but I don't care for these girls at all, and they all want my attention"

 

 

so just be aware that you are one of these girls, and if you're fine with that, then carry on, but you have feelings for him, and they will never ever be reciprocated, so you should cut off contact and try to move on. Don't you want someone that is crazy about you??

[scarlet486]

Thank you everyone! I needed the tough love to see the truth. I deleted his number and blocked his posts from Facebook. I hope today begins a new chapter. I just got divorced after 6 years of marriage so I need some time to heal and figure out how to date again.

[reinventmyself]

It's not in a man's nature to change from being fwb or friend zone with a woman for a period of time and develop a romantic connection after the fact. I hope you realize that.

[PaintWithLight]

Thank you everyone! I needed the tough love to see the truth. I deleted his number and blocked his posts from Facebook. I hope today begins a new chapter. I just got divorced after 6 years of marriage so I need some time to heal and figure out how to date again.

 

Good move and stay strong. You were his convenient hookup and you were making excuses for him. If he says he wants a skinny blonde believe him! If there was a future, he should have been the one buying concert tickets for you.

 

If you start to waver and want to contact him, remember all the good advice on this thread. What you saw as ticking all the boxes in his dating wants is nothing more than selfishness on his part. Who would not like hanging with someone who bought concert tickets and then provided sex at the end of the night? The fact that he enjoyed and went along with it does not mean he cares about you or wants a future with you.

 

You cannot be friendzoned if you are providing sex that is called being a booty call.

[SoulTaker]

Thank you everyone! I needed the tough love to see the truth. I deleted his number and blocked his posts from Facebook. I hope today begins a new chapter. I just got divorced after 6 years of marriage so I need some time to heal and figure out how to date again.

 

You did the correct thing. Not every situation is "clear-cut", but this one is.