Problem with my Boyfriend and the Girl who had (Previously) Rejected him?

[a800w]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting here, so please forgive me if it's too long!

 

My boyfriend and I have been together around 2 and a half years now. We are both 20 and I love him so much, but there are some issues in the relationship:

We have a mutual friend named "X". I am very uncomfortable with their friendship, but I feel equally guilty when I ask if he wouldn't see her.

 

I am not secure enough in our relationship to be comfortable with my boyfriend seeing X one-on-one--his preferred mode of seeing her. Here are the reasons:

 

1. Until he met me, my boyfriend had been in love with X, but she had always rejected/friend-zoned him. Because of that, they never got together. Yes, there is a reason as to why he "chose" to be with me instead of being with her. The reason is that she never reciprocated his love. However, X has recently displayed attraction to him when we are together as a group. So, going by the fact that X seems to like him now and that he is only with me because X didn't like him before, I genuinely feel that he would leave me for her if they saw each other more.

 

2. Whenever we are together as a group, X would announce things to the whole group such as "As [my boyfriend's] little sister, [suppressed eye roll - they are "pretend siblings"] I am entitled to call him an idiot on a daily basis." And then X would look at me as if asking me to top her statement. She would also tell me thing such as "I know him so much better than I thought I did" and other phrases that just make me feel like I don't belong and that she has some sort of hold/possession over him. This makes me feel terribly insecure and uncomfortable.

 

3. When we were together as a group at a bar, she sat on his lap and wrapped her arms all over him and whispered in his ear constantly. The next day, I asked her if she could send me some pictures of the night that she took on her phone. She only sent me the pictures of her and my boyfriend together. The only one that I was in, she had her arms wrapped tightly around him in a close embrace. I don't know what to think.

 

I have discussed this with my boyfriend maybe a 6 months ago, and he hasn't seen her very much, and it really settled my mind. However, we had somewhat of a larger fight a couple of days ago and he brought up how he "gave up seeing X" for me and how unhappy he is with that. It's the second time he's brought that up during a fight. I really don't feel good about myself for asking him to not see her, but I am nearly 100% sure that if he did spend more time with her, he would leave me, so I feel like I have no choice but to ask him not to see her.

 

I feel that if I talked to X about this, what I may say might actually give her even more incentive to pursue him. I am just so lost.

 

Please help me see what I can do? A few of my friends say to "leave him" but I really do love him. I just want a broader, maybe more mature perspective on this and more advice. Thank you everyone for reading.

[mhowe]

He is still infatuated with her and likes the attention. Neither he nor she respects your relationship with him.

 

Walk away and let him have her. He isn't willing to do anything but blame you for their not being together anyway.

[beingawesome]

Why are you with someone if you're so sure he doesn't want to be with you? Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and in this situation, you don't even trust that he wants to be with you! It's not enough for him to agree not to see her - as you can see, it's something that he will just hold over your head. In order for this to actually be resolved, he has to understand how inappropriate this friendship is and what kind of boundaries should be in place for a healthy relationship. Sitting on his lap with her arms all over him? That is SO inappropriate, and he should KNOW that!

 

There's nothing you can do about her behavior, so don't take her bait. It's your boyfriend who needs to let her know that her behavior is not okay. And since you can't control his behavior either, in the end, it's really just a matter of how much he respects you and the relationship. The mature route would be to just talk to him honestly about your feelings, without accusations or ultimatums. If he cares about your feelings, he will try to work through them with you. If he doesn't, then you shouldn't be with him anyway! If you're 100% sure that he's going to leave you, then you shouldn't be with him anyway! Find someone who will appreciate you, and who will always be on your team, and don't settle or cling to someone who doesn't.

[WithLove]

Leave him before he leaves you. You know it's coming. Save your dignity.

[Ms Darcy]

We all know that at the end of the day, if she wanted him he'd be gone. So why are you sticking around to be second choice?

[capilot]

Her behavior in inappropriate and your boyfriend should be telling her to back off. Both of them are being very disrespectful of you.

 

It's also significant that she only showed interest in him after he was in a relationship with another woman.

[a800w]

Ah, well, I correct myself: I can't say absolutely 100% that he'll leave me for her. He's a wonderful guy and treats me really really well and does seem to genuinely love me.

 

I just don't know why he would bring up how he "gave up X" for me and how unhappy he is with that, if he genuinely loved me over her.

[ParisPaulette]

The heart of the matter is this--you don't respect yourself and have enough faith in yourself to find a man who will choose you first over all others. So you stay with someone who you know does not respect you and who is only with you to make the other girl jealous. P.S. it's working. They know it, you know it, the world knows it. People treat you the way you let them treat you. If you had from the gate out refused to hear anything about this girl and told him it wasn't a friendship to begin with, to stop pretending it was, and that either he could be with you or get gone none of what you describe would have happened. And if he chose her over you then great, you would have moved on to a guy who put you first anyways and left Mr. User Loser behind in the dust.

 

I'm not trying to belittle you, but come on girl and grow a pair already. Give him the boot, tell the other girl she can have him now that he's sloppy seconds and leave with your dignity intact. And realize please that the moment a guy lets another girl sit in their lap and whisper in their ear all night in front of you that it's over. You get up and tell him to have a nice life and you leave. A good guy, a man truly worth being with, won't do that.

 

Five years from now you're going to look back on that night and wish you'd laughed at them, broken up with him and gone and sat with the hot guy at the end of the bar who kept trying to catch your eye.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, it's because he doesn't love you over her.

[a800w]

Everyone here is the absolute best for reading and replying.

I know I need to grow a pair, but I can't help defending him.

 

He hasn't seen her or talked to her for 6 months (that I know of). The stuff in my original post happened 6 months ago, but it was in the fight recently that he said he is upset he "gave up seeing X" for me. I'm torn. On one hand, this stuff happened, yes, but it was the past and he gave up seeing her for a long time. On the other hand, he brought it up during the fight.

[Sedrick]

Ah, well, I correct myself: I can't say absolutely 100% that he'll leave me for her. He's a wonderful guy and treats me really really well and does seem to genuinely love me.

 

I just don't know why he would bring up how he "gave up X" for me and how unhappy he is with that, if he genuinely loved me over her.

 

He's certainly not treating you very well if he's allowing this other girl to sit on him and wrap her arms around him and continue to disrespect you as she does so often.

 

The part about how he gave her up for you is just more of his passive aggressive BS.

 

If you think this is how he treats you well I'd hate to see your definition of being treated poorly.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are starting to talk in circles.

[a800w]

I think you are starting to talk in circles.

 

I am. I just feel so lost.

[ParisPaulette]

I just feel so lost.

 

Lost about what? I'm not understanding you. He's just lashing out during a fight, but the fact is whether he or you like it or don't what he had with this other female was not a friendship. Don't let him call it that and if he brings it up again tell him no you aren't okay with him seeing her, because he lets her crawl all over him and he and she then rub it in your face. And that if you did that with another guy in front of him he'd get upset, so too bad. You aren't holding a gun to his head, you're asking him to respect you and there is zero wrong with that.

 

The fact is if he's going to leave he's going to leave. You cannot control another person's actions at the end of the day beyond demanding they treat you well and with love and respect. And if they don't or won't it's up to you to decide how much of that you will tolerate before you just don't any longer.

[missmarple]

I am nearly 100% sure that if he did spend more time with her, he would leave me..

 

When you start feeling like that in a relationship, it's time to let go. Seriously. Break up with him. There is NO other perspective here. No matter whose fault it is (hers, his or yours), you believe that your b/f would leave you if he spent more time with another girl. Stop torturing yourself and leave him.

[Mari]

I am. I just feel so lost.

 

You want to stay with him, it's him that's not doing the right thing and it's because he was in love with her before. So give him the choice of staying with you or pursuing her and set a time limit on it. Warn him that if he chooses to leave you then you will be reminded of this later in your relationship if he decides to come back and things most likely not return to how they used to be. In which case it would probably be best for you to move on, eventually to someone else and not return to him ever again.

 

Similarly, let him know that you want him to choose you just as you chose him, but through his own desire. You do not want him to choose you and resent you later for forcing him to let go of her. This is completely his choice, either stay or go pursue her and lose you. You should tell him that he's in a relationship with you and he should be protecting that relationship against other women. So have him decide what he wants, maybe wait two weeks or so? The main thing is either he should go for her, or he should be of the mindset that it's bad that he has feelings for her. And he's the only one that can think that way, you can suggest but you can't force him. If he chooses her then it's over and you tried your best. It will be time to start moving on.

[a800w]

Hello everyone,

 

I talked with my boyfriend today and we discussed the issue. I told him everything I told everyone here, and his replies to each thing.

 

1. He says that he hasn't had feelings for her for a long time. He said that he chose me because he wanted to be with me and that it had nothing to do with her. He basically just reiterated that he loved me and not her.

 

2. He says that I'm blowing things out of proportion because nothing she said had "really affected us in any way" because we are "still together." He defended her by saying that she was probably saying things that hurt me because she was really "lonely."

 

3. He agreed that this was inappropriate and he takes full blame for keeping things less physical. He said that he thinks of her as a "dude" and that he won't let it happen anymore. He also says that it's not her fault, but entirely his.

 

 

I am glad that I told him how I felt about everything.

 

But I have two issues cropping up now:

I. He seems to still have a very soft spot for her, defending her by saying that she did things because she was "lonely" or taking all the blame for himself.

II. It also makes a girlfriend think when the boyfriend wants to see another girl so bad to the point where he brings her up during a fight and says stuff like "I gave up seeing X for you", if that makes sense?

 

From these two problems, it's also hard for me to believe that he doesn't have feelings for her at all. What does everyone think?

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think anything has changed. He says he doesn't have feelings but his actions (defending her, having a soft spot for her, bringing her up during a fight, etc) strongly suggest otherwise.

 

If you aren't willing to walk away, you'll just have to accept his feelings for her and *hope* they diminish over time.

[Mari]

I can understand where he's coming from because I can do the same thing. However, when I think of someone as a dude they don't get to sit in my lap cause dudes do not sit in my lap. But since he's accepting that that was inappropriate I'm fine with it.

 

As for the new issues:

I see your first point as him blaming himself. Not as much as him defending her because a really soft spot would be him opening up himself to her and not thinking of her as a dude. The dude thing is a defensive mechanism to handle being around someone one would normally have feelings for, but when it's in place, they are a dude.

 

For your second point, it's not really related to her but is more related to him giving up something to avoid fighting. So when you fought it's more like: "what do you want now, you already got me to give up being with that dude girl, why are you still fighting with me?" And less of him complaining about not getting enough time with her.

 

By the way, his feelings my crop up when this dude girl gets a dude of her own. Then it may hurt, but by then it may even be too late.