Please help! I'm thinking of reconciling.

[trishlove]

Hello guys, I am thinking of reconciling with my ex. However, I need some opinions before I act on it. Please help me.

 

My ex called it quits because he is currently in a financial crisis. He’s a university student and I’m a graduate student. We’ve been dating for two years and we assured each other that those two years were the best years of our lives. However, in the middle of our relationship my ex encountered problems with money. I personally have no issues with his financial capabilities. It’s just that we’ve reached the point when we can’t go on dates or go to places unless I shell out for him.

 

We are already in a phase where we are already comfortable with each other, so we have to find new ways to spend time together. For a long time my ex was getting very disappointed with himself because he felt like he couldn’t give me what I wanted. He felt like I’d be happy with someone else, so he broke up with me and promised to look for me when he’s already successful -about five years from now. He described himself as someone tied to a rock, and he felt like he couldn’t be a good boyfriend unless he releases himself from that rock.

 

Now I’m not the type who believes in promises, and five years can brought about drastic changes on our lives and our personalities. Thus, I’m not counting on his promise to return. I really treated the break up as an ultimate end, but I didn’t tell him this.

 

Another thing was that I was also getting uncomfortable with his financial problem. It’s unfair and insensitive of me, but there are times when I show disappointment when he couldn’t take me out on dates. However, I was willing to wait for him to graduate, which was why I didn’t break up with him despite his financial problem.

 

Surprisingly, the break up didn’t seem to inflict a big blow on me. I understand his point, and he seems very sincere. I was also thinking that it was for the best. I didn’t want him to stay in a relationship where he feels insufficient. However, I am now having second thoughts. Please enlighten me guys, and help me decide. Here are my questions:

 

1. Is the reason behind our breakup shallow?

2. Should I ask for reconciliation if I promise to make things better for our relationship? Is our relationship worth saving?

3. What are the things that we can do to make our relationship work?

 

Thank you guys for your time and support!

[Batya33]

I think you're getting way ahead of yourself. I don't think there's any reason to do this analysis at this point. First you have to see if he'd even be open to talking about reconciling. From what you describe, I think you two are incompatible. He didn't end things because of his financial situation. He ended things because of your incompatible financial values. His "promise" is meaningless "if I win the lottery I'll look for you". Meanwhile of course he's going to be dating and looking to date other women and will be free to do so, including women whose financial values are compatible with his.

 

Are you truly changed or is it just that you miss him or miss being part of a couple? It sounds more like you realize you're not having fun being on your own and that's not a reason to pursue reconciliation. If you are truly changed ask yourself exactly how you would behave differently the next time he says he cannot do a certain activity because he doesn't have the money- be very specific. It's fine if it's not ok with you -then you know you need to meet a man who is financially stable and likes traditional dating where the man usually pays for the woman even after 2 years of dating. That's not him -even if he had the money he would probably resent paying for you because you've shown him an attitude of entitlement so far.

 

I would leave things the way they are -as someone who reconciled, you both have to be 100% into each other and 100% into the work it entails. "I'm fine with the breakup but having second thoughts" is nowhere near that standard.

[trishlove]

That's not him -even if he had the money he would probably resent paying for you because you've shown him an attitude of entitlement so far.

 

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I really appreciate it. But I would like to speak for myself. I don't require him to pay for me at dates at all. I'm fine if we pay for ourselves. There are just times when we can't go on dates because he doesn't have money to pay for himself, so I sometimes shell out cash for him. That's fine with me, but I can't keep doing that every time we go on dates. I even lend him money sometimes for his tuition fees and the like. Despite all those petty difficulties I still decided to stay in our relationship. Does that still make me a lousy gf?

[Batya33]

I never said you were a lousy gf -I said that you two have incompatible values. I do not think you should lend him money or pay for all dates -he was your boyfriend, not your spouse. I think if you offer to pay for someone it's not polite to complain about it -either pay or don't pay but if you decide to then it can't be with a sense of resentment. If you want to be with someone who can afford to pay his own way on the types of dates you want to go on then he is not the guy for you. I don't think his "I'll look you up in 5 years if I am financially successful" means he left the door open - I would disregard that and assume he wanted to end things when you consider whether to contact him again.

 

If you contact him again it has to be because you are fine not going on dates that cost money because he's also uncomfortable with your paying for him - sure, once in a blue moon, but not on a regular basis. You can tell him that and see how he responds. I do not think that was the reason he ended things. I think it was a minor reason and a good way to exit the relationship without too much drama. Are you ok with him turning down your offer?

[trishlove]

You mean my offer for a reconciliation? I'm fine if he turned it down. I'm not gonna let pride get to me. It's just that I want to know if he's 100% sure that we're through so that I can start moving on.

 

My fault in this is I've never thought this whole thing out before. Yes, I was paying for dates and lending him money because we seemed certain that we'll live a life together after graduation. I wanted to help him to go through college so we can start anew without having to think about financial troubles. My fault is that I was rude enough to show a bit of resentment, and I'm sure he was hurt because of that. My mistake is that it's just now that this whole thing dawned on to me -after all the damage is done. I didn't realize that I was being hurtful.

 

The reason why I want to save the relationship is that because I have so much faith in us. I am willing to fix it by compensating. I actually believe that we'd be happy if it wasn't only for his financial troubles. But this could be my belief since I am currently blinded by my faith in our relationship. Do you think that this relationship is worth saving or should I just move on?

 

Thank you for listening to me. I'm just really confused about the whole thing. I know the situation is simple. I just can't seem to see it in clear view.

[Batya33]

Tell him you're sorry about your rudeness. See what he says. I don't think you need to check whether it's over. Assume it is. Sure you can ask him for another chance as long as you're sure you're ok with his financial situation -and ask yourself if you're ok if this is always his financial situation -until he has a job offer for after graduation this is his situation.

[mhowe]

Nothing has changed. He is still tied to his financial rock and still poor and feeling he cannot support dating financially. You are trying to bargain back into a relationship.

[sky09]

What about the year (s) before this? How was he with paying for dinners, dates, etc. before his current situation? Can he not get a part-time job to at least support some kind of life-style? Where does he live and who pays for his living? Too many questions to just be able to tell you if you should leave or stay. I don't think this forum can serve anyone in such capacity.

Don't ever take anyone's advice here to make your life!

[catfeeder]

Nothing has changed. He is still tied to his financial rock and still poor and feeling he cannot support dating financially. You are trying to bargain back into a relationship.

 

This 'bargaining' MHowe raises is an actual part of grieving. Look up 'Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of Grief' and consider this a natural cycle to work through.

 

We can't give you the answers as to whether you're better off compensating for someone else's financial shortcomings, but you're clear that your BF did pick up some resentment from you--so decide whether this was a 'mistake' on your part, or whether you legitimately felt held back from living out this time in your life more fully.

 

Nobody here can tell which weighs more, the relationship or the freedom, but you'll need to accept that you're bound to feel lousy for a while before you can start feeling good enough to enjoy the financial freedoms you envisioned yourself missing out on.

 

And no, none of this is superficial. Finances are a huge factor in relationships both psychologically and materially. When one partner is already unhappy with his or her financial life, mixing with a partner who will suffer limitations by association is often too much weight for the couple to carry. While you can rethink your position in this, you can't rethink his.

 

You really have nothing to lose by attempting to negotiate with him if you can handle a negative response from him. I'd just make sure it's actually what I'd WANT before attempting to do that--and nobody here can tell you where you 'should' stand on that.

 

Head high.

[lavenderdove]

If someone told me they wanted to break up with me now and we'd get back together in 5 years, I'd burst out laughing. Because that is not how it works and that is just either a total line to sneak out the back door quietly, or else someone who is totally unrealistic to think time will stand still for 5 years and then he'll come swooping back in and everything will be fine. In 5 years you (or he) could be married to someone else with 2 kids, or living in another country, or anything else. Time does not stand still for these kinds of promises.

 

Always consider a 'break' a break up, unless you both agree that you need a short period of time (a month or less) to clear your heads and decide whether to continue or not. Consider this over.

 

I suspect that he's decided his priorities now are school and focusing on himself and a career and NOT on focusing on finding ways to pay for the kind of dates you want to satisfy you. He's a student! When I was in college, my dates were to McDonald's and free cinema or plays on campus, or hikes in the woods or bicycling etc., things that didn't cost anything much at all, and I had no expectation that my BF would pay for fancier dates at all.

 

I don't consider that he has 'financial problems' when he's a student... he's just a poor student and most of them have very little money to spare, if any at all after they pay for food, school, books, and a room to live in. So your monetary expectations were too much considering his circumstances.

 

If you want him back, then you need to immediately accept that as a student you're not going to get any money related dates out of him unless you pay, and not resent him for it. If what you want is a man with money and expensive dates, forget about him entirely and find a guy with a good job and a desire to spend money on you and your dates.