Bf's crush/friend for years makes me uncomfortable; nuts for feeling this way?

[misssmithviii]

They've been friends since high school. I don't know the details of how they met, but I know that he pursued her. He had a big crush on her, and likes to say that crush ended rather quickly when she didn't reciprocate, but everything else points to the contrary. They spent every day together one summer, he would always be there to pick her up drunk from some party, he took her to prom as a friend even while she left to hook up with some random guy, he would sneak into her house and clean up the booze she'd left there so she wouldn't get in trouble. That's only some of it, I mean, my bf literally bent over backwards for this girl in the past, all in the name of platonic friendship.

 

None of that bothered me until a couple months ago... and I don't even know really why I'm posting about it now other than I finally just need to vent it out! Maybe gain some comfort or insight...

 

I knew he had a history of feelings for her and that they were now like brother and sister from the start. And it didn't bother me. I remember a few months into our relationship he had gotten exasperated because she has a tendency not to respond to text conversations that she, herself starts. She'd say hello, he'd reply hello back and then she wouldn't respond for weeks. I even gave him advice on how to keep her around as a friend!

 

A few months back, he and I went to Starbucks and she was sitting there with her friends. I didn't know she was, but he told me once we got into the car and headed towards where we were going that she was there. I asked why did he ignore her, and he said that he was focused on getting to where we needed to go. I thought that was odd... odd not to at least say hello to a girl you've told me is like a sister, one that you've made mention of wanting me to meet?

 

 

 

Then a couple months ago she texted him while I was hanging out with him. At this point he apparently hadn't been talking to her much anymore because he was busy hanging out with me all the time, and he was slightly annoyed at her flakiness with regards to texting.

She said something along the lines of, "So just because you've got some girl friend now we can't be friends?"

And that's how she started the text. I thought it was a bit childish.

Then he responded with, "No no it's not like that at all, I've just been busy with work, going out of town and stuff. What's up?"

 

I was confused because he's just been with me, not venturing out of town. When I asked him why he said that he said, "I sometimes say things that I know and understand but it doesn't come off the way it is in my head. What I meant was I've been spending time with you and busy in that regard." I called bs, but he wouldn't yield so I dropped it.

 

It started to get me uncomfortable, especially when she responded about a lot happening in her life and that she needs him and feels he hasn't been there for her.

He immediately placated her with, "Well let's meet up sometime together, maybe tomorrow night."

 

In short, I expressed my disdain for it all. I expressed that it makes me uncomfortable that he white lied about spending time with me, made me feel almost like he was ashamed to mention me (or even let me meet her) because she doesn't approve of me and that to top it off, he bowed down to meeting up with her some random night.

 

He didn't end up seeing her as far as I know. And he actually made the decision not to talk to her anymore so as not to make me uncomfortable. I didn't ask him to cease contact with her, it was his decision that I was, of course, relieved about. He says she wasn't really that great of a friend at times any ways and that he "wouldn't care if he never saw her again."

 

The thing is, it still bugs me to this day. He's never had a real girlfriend before me, so she's probably used to being the only constant girl in his life... I don't know. I hate to feel like I've broken up a friendship, but even he told me before that she's never really done anything for him or been there for him unless it was convenient for her. To which I was confused why he made himself her doormat for so many years.

 

My therapist said I'm threatened by her not just because she's beautiful or because he used to have feelings for her (if that were the only reason, I would've minded their friendship long before), but because she's able to get him to do what she wants, when she wants it. His history, and that text conversation shows that he'll acquiesce to please her. She can say jump and he'll jump.

 

I fully understand that I need to trust him, and I do in a lot of ways... but I guess I still don't feel at ease about the whole thing. I feel like if the behavior continues, he'll just go back on his word, meet up with her behind my back and etc etc. I don't think he's a bad guy, so I don't think he would do so with bad intentions - but just the fact that another woman has (or hopefully HAD) this pull on him is unnerving. I wish I knew she didn't have that power anymore... but I don't know how to know that in my heart.

 

I can't talk to him about it anymore I don't think, but I'd like to talk to somebody.

 

Am I crazy for feeling threatened by her? Would I feel better if he actually told her that their friendship was over (because he never did)?

Should I ever bring it up to my bf? In a perfect world I would love for them to still be friends, for her not to have disrespected our relationship or coming off as childish as she did.

 

I'm just rambling >

[DancingFool]

Well....he is not really jumping anymore now is he? In fact he seems to be actively ditching her even if he is doing it in a way you don't necessarily agree with. You can't control how he goes about disengaging, but one thing that is quite clear from your post is that he is disengaging. You are not breaking up their friendship, he is coming to realize that she hasn't been a very good friend and that's a good thing. I don't think you have anything to worry or feel threatened about. This friendship is dying a natural death.

[misssmithviii]

Interestingly enough, when I'm with him I really could care less. It's not a big deal in our relationship - it's always just been a deal in my head.

 

Thank you DancingFool - I really appreciate your input It's comforting.

[SooSad33]

She acts mighty weird! Flaky, to say the least. It's like a form of 'control' over him.

She's hot/cold and he keeps up with it?

 

"it started to get me uncomfortable, especially when she responded about a lot happening in her life and that she needs him and feels he hasn't been there for her.

He immediately placated her with, "Well let's meet up sometime together, maybe tomorrow night."

 

In short, I expressed my disdain for it all. I expressed that it makes me uncomfortable that he white lied about spending time with me, made me feel almost like he was ashamed to mention me (or even let me meet her) because she doesn't approve of me and that to top it off, he bowed down to meeting up with her some random night. "

- Yes, this is weird.

 

"I hate to feel like I've broken up a friendship, but even he told me before that she's never really done anything for him or been there for him unless it was convenient for her. To which I was confused why he made himself her doormat for so many years. "

- And where he was gonna meet up with her that night. It seemed like he jumped at the chance to see her.. but in the end he didn't- good! Maybe he's now realizing what she really is!?

 

Hey, yanno what? In the end, if he wants to chase after gal who's never really had a thing for him.. only strings him along like a puppet. Let him be single and deal with the loss.. of the gal he's had and who loves him.

= His loss.

 

Not sure how long you two have been seeing each other.. But, I am glad you do trust him.

In ways, I hope he will continue that way.

Yeah, it'd bother me a bit too. But, also, she's been around forever BUT, Still he is with YOU.

So, see how it goes next few months. Try & enjoy your time with him. Hopefully he WILL come around and realize what she is and what YOU are. ( Much more than she)

[catfeeder]

How do you know all this stuff, are you reading their texts?

 

You're way too involved in the details of his communications. That spells mothering, and it's the most unsexy role you can take on.

 

Sure the guy is passive, but he's that way with you, too--he's letting you read and comment on his texts with his friends. What grown man would put up with that?

 

Your problem isn't that he appeases her, it's that he's an appeaser, period. And it's not that she controls him, it's that you do, too. While this may be too transparent for you to notice at the moment, it will become a drag soon enough. You're seeing qualities in his behavior with someone else that he also displays with you--and you're missing that the controlling qualities that you see in her you also display yourself.

 

If you weren't scoping his conversations, they wouldn't bother you.

[misssmithviii]

He got a little frustrated when she texted and after awhile I could see it was bugging him so when I asked him what was wrong, he just gave me his phone and said "It's easier if you just read it, see?" And that was the first and only interaction I've ever been involved in to that extent. I don't scope out his conversations; I don't go through his things, I never monitor who he speaks to or what's said. I do know the difference between mothering and being in a relationship - I've been in a mothering role before in a past relationship and I hated it! Not only did I feel unsexy, but it was exhaustive. I'm definitely careful not to do that again.

 

I realize that may not have been clear in my post - I apologize.

 

This was an instance where he involved me in their conversation to shortcut having to explain to me why he wasn't particularly happy with the way she came at him etc.

 

I agree, he is definitely the kind of person that doesn't want to disappoint people - that's something I've come to notice. He wants people to always know that he has the best intentions in mind - he truly is a sweetheart and I love him for that. I would say that while his lack of conviction when it comes to standing up for himself is a bit off-putting, I never get to the point of anger with him because he truly has a good heart and hasn't ever intentionally hurt or deceived me.

 

I wouldn't necessarily call him an appeaser though. I've met people like that and they tend to be and appeaser to everybody. He's not like that unless it has to do with those closest to him. He'd sooner flip off somebody who pushed him in certain ways to get what they wanted done, or tried to control him in any way. It was the first time I witnessed him behave like that - I mean I've never seen him behave like that with me, so when he was so quick to placate her it caused me to become nervous.

 

Had I seen this behavior during the 8-9 months leading up to that a couple months ago, I wouldn't have been so surprised. I've never tried to manipulate him, nor have I ever tried to control him and so I don't know if he'd be the same way with me - and I actually mentioned that. I told him that I can't compare his reactions to her or me because I would never come at him like that and try to manipulate him into seeing me. He very well could become my doormat - but the point is, I wouldn't put him into that situation. Once I made that known to him, that she took advantage of his good graces whereas I never would - that's when he said he would be fine never seeing her again, and won't talk to her as well as letting me know if she does reach out.

[Batya33]

"He wants people to always know that he has the best intentions in mind - he truly is a sweetheart and I love him for that. I would say that while his lack of conviction when it comes to standing up for himself is a bit off-putting, I never get to the point of anger with him because he truly has a good heart and hasn't ever intentionally hurt or deceived me. "

 

I think it's laudable to have that quality -as long as it's from a perspective of reasonable confidence -the problem is when he does those things just to seek approval or because he's afraid of being assertive -and that's when he's going to start making choices that are in the best interests of the person he is trying to please but not necessarily in the best interests of the relationship.

 

I agree with catfeeder -he's done with her, he's allowed to choose how to be done with her (doesn't have to do it your way) and you need to step aside. As far as it not affecting your relationship -what goes on only in your head of course can affect your relationship so you need to do enough self-talking and distraction so that this concern of yours goes far back in your head and then eventually off the radar. If you start invading his privacy again by reading his texts you'll be back where you started even if there are no texts from her.

[misssmithviii]

I think I need to say it clearly in a short reply that I did not read his texts, go into his phone and scope out his conversation!

 

He handed the phone to me with the text conversation up because he was trying to explain why he was bugged by her but didn't want to just repeat the text conversation.

 

I never ask to see his conversations, I don't monitor who he talks to.

 

 

...