Mom passed and Grandma 98 does not know

[azzn]

My mom recently passed due to cancer. She was my grandma's favorite child. Even my aunts and uncles agrees. Matter fact, it was their idea to keep my mom's death from her. My grandma is old and gets sick often (shes 98 ). My aunts and uncles are afraid that my grandma would not he able to handle the news and get even more sick and wont recover. My aunt (her other daughter) passed in April. I was back to visit my grandma last week and all she talks and inquired about is my mom. All of this feels wrong, i feel as if she needs to know but I can see where they are coming from. My mom got mad at my grandma 4 years ago and they haven't really spoken (mostly because my mom avoided her). But nevertheless my mom is all my grandma ever talks about and it really hurts and hard to hold a straight face without crying when my grandma ask for me to call or video call my mom. Anyone ever been through something like this?

[Seraphim]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. But your grandmother as her mother deserves to know of her passing. I know if people kept the passing of my child from me I would never speak to them again when I found out.

[SooSad33]

So sorry for your loss of your mom Loss is never easy.

It's up to you but I feel you do want to tell her, don't you? Then do that. You know how much your mom meant to your grandma.

Do it gently.. softly and hug her when done.

 

take care.

[amipushy]

Tell her. If my daughter died I would rather die of a broken heart than from ignorance.

[lukeb]

So sorry for your loss of your mom Loss is never easy.

It's up to you but I feel you do want to tell her, don't you? Then do that. You know how much your mom meant to your grandma.

Do it gently.. softly and hug her when done.

 

take care.

 

It would depend on how close you are with your grandma as compared to your aunts and uncles on what you should do. Your aunts and uncles are closer family and it is up to them. She is your grandmother but she is their mother, so all things considered equal I would respect my aunts and uncles wishes and not tell her. Most especially true if she is living with one or more aunts or uncles. There are some things she doesn't need to know if she is sickly and 98 years old.

[Edmund Exley]

I think the mental capacity of grandma is the deciding factor here. Is she in a state of mental awareness such that she will notice your mothers absence?

[IAmFCA]

I think the mental capacity of grandma is the deciding factor here. Is she in a state of mental awareness such that she will notice your mothers absence?

 

Agree. If knowing thE information would challenge her own will to live, and she otherwise wouldn't notice, then I am not sure I would tell.

[azzn]

I am very close to my grandma and I do want her to know. But I'm pretty sure her health will degrade once she finds out. I also feel as if shes holding on waiting for my mom to come back and visit her. I would want her to go in peace. Ofcourse It is up to my aunts and uncles since she is their mom. My sister will be visiting her soon and she also wants to tell her. Whatever happens I feel it would equally be difficult. Thanks for all of your advice.

[Seraphim]

What is more cruel though? Telling her her daughter passed away or letting her assume that her daughter is not talking to her and she is holding out hope against hope that her daughter will come back. Personally I think the latter is more cruel. I know your aunts and uncles don't want to lose their mother but they have to think about what is good for their mother not what is good for them.

[lukeb]

What is more cruel though? Telling her her daughter passed away or letting her assume that her daughter is not talking to her and she is holding out hope against hope that her daughter will come back. Personally I think the latter is more cruel. I know your aunts and uncles don't want to lose their mother but they have to think about what is good for their mother not what is good for them.

 

There is no reason to believe that the aunts and uncles are doing this for no other reason than what is good for their mother. It is a total judgement call on what the mother can handle and letting her live out her remaining time in peace. For a more distant relative to step in over their heads and arbitrarily decide what is good for their mother would be overstepping her bounds. What the OP can do is talk about it with the aunts and uncles.

[mhowe]

Agree....OP and her sister should discuss this with the aunts/uncles. Because their mother hadn't spoken to grandma in 4 YEARS...I don't think they are in the best position to decide what is best for grandma.