Pretty damn confused...

[BobbyB1989]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating my current girlfriend for almost 4 years, living with her for over a year, and I love her dearly. But I think I'm falling fast and hard for another girl.

 

And the feeling is mutual. I'm not one to believe in "love at first sight", but I've known this girl for only 2 weeks and we're crazy about each other. We work together (with two different organizations that work closely on a daily basis) and we have hung out until 4 in the morning the past 3 nights in a row. We hooked up 2 nights ago, but did not have sex. She is a nice girl and feels terrible that I have a girlfriend, and did not want to push things too far. However she wants to, and we even discussed dating if I broke up with my current GF.

 

I've known almost from the get go with my current GF that she doesn't completely sync with my long term goals. Our senses of humor are very similar, but our goals in life, what we think is important, are very different. Almost to the point of her completely tuning out things that are of vital importance to me when they come up in conversation. Even so we're very close and familiar with each other. She stood loyally by my side through some difficult points in my life and I'm still in love with her, and her even more so with me. To make things worse, leaving her would be absolutely crushing--she really only has one friend who's not the most reliable. And she has issues with depression. I am terrified that if I did leave her, it would put her in a very dark and potentially dangerous place.

 

So, long story short, I have no idea to do. I'm completely infatuated with this new girl and her goals in life completely compliment my own, but I still love my girlfriend while knowing I may not want to marry her, which after 4 years, is definitely her expectation. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thanks

[Capttrae]

Let me tell u what to do, sounds like you have a good woman as it is. You know what to expect, if your smart you'll stay w/ the one you've been with. Grass ain't always greener on the other side. New chick looks/seems cool (and ladies no offense meant here) but 95% of them are crazy in one way or another, your already used to ones crazy, you ditch her and your liables to find out that the new ones crazy ain't something you can deal with.

[Capttrae]

Now I'm gonna tell u my story, y'all can laugh at my grammar and wording all y'all want but I'm gonna tell like if say it so Bobby B listen and listen good.

First off idk and honestly idc how old you are your thinkin w/ the wrong head.

I had an Ol lady for 3 years, I work in the oilfield idk if any of y'all know what kind of lifestyle that is but it's hell on a woman. My ol lady was a good one, a little crazy and a little whiny now and again, didn't keep the best house. But she dealt w/ me being gone 28-77 days at a time working and never once ed a lick. Had a ready kiss for me when I got home, and I got too conftrable w/ it. On top of my workin I was deer huntin on my off time all over the Midwest. I had the thought that well I'm keepin her in a comfy style of livin all she's gotta worry about is gettin up out of the bed in the mornin and what she was going to have for lunch that day. Then we started not gettin along I threw up my walls and pushed her away. Now in that time, like you there was a girl that had told me if we ever broke up I was hers, so when I told my ol lady she needed to move out and she said ok, my first thought was she won't go, my 2nd thought was well there's this other chick. Let me tell u, once my ol lady told me she had her a place I got scared, but I played the hard ass part not realizing how much it would hurt to loose her and her son until it was too late. Now I kick myself right square in the ass for not pulling her close and telling her every day how much she meant to me and how much I love her, now I can't. And there's very few days I don't have to run to my stateroom on the boat bc something has reminded me of her and the FAMILY I had. And there's nothing in this world that I wouldn't do to go back and re do everything I've just got to deal w/ it. And the chick that said she wanted me, all she wants is a free ride.

So Bobby w/ all that being said, ask yourself is it really worth loosing someone that obviously loves you bc you see something new that you want to try out? You say that y'all don't agree on certain things, guess what brother there's a thing called compromise. So commence to workin on it.

[lavenderdove]

If you have been with your GF for 4 years and still don't think you want to marry her, then it is time to set her free to find someone who does want to marry her. Once you do that, then you can pursue this other girl.

 

But keep in mind the grass is not always greener. You may discover that this new girl has lots of flaws that aren't evident on the surface.

 

So in your head don't frame this as a case of 'either/or' (you end up with one girl or the other), because if this new girl doesn't work out, you'll be on your own and your ex GF may not agree to take you back. So if you're willing to take that risk of eventually having neither and being on your own again for a while, then break up with the current GF and give the new girl a spin. But don't assume your ex will take you back if it doesn't work out with the new girl.

 

and if you've already decided you aren't going to marry the current GF, then definitely set her free to pursue someone else if marriage is what she is after.

[Capttrae]

I'll agree completely w/ lavenderlove, marry her or set her loose. I shoulda married mine a long long long time ago

[ParisPaulette]

This is the thing about life--it is full of temptations. And most temptations come at a cost, usually a pretty big one. Working in an office closely with attractive opposite coworkers is one of those, being offered cocaine at a party where all your friends are doing it, being high-pressured to purchase that nifty little car you can't afford that will mean you don't pay your rent on time. Like I said, temptations. Some will ruin your health, some will ruin your credit and still others, like the one you're facing now, will ruin the heart and love of a person you claim to love. And your coworker is not a nice girl. A nice girl would have cut you off at the knees the moment anything inappropriate raised its head and she'd be avoiding you like the plague and freezing you out even if she did find you attractive IF she really truly gave a crap about you and your girlfriend. And genuinely felt bad about what's going on, so stop it already with the self-deception. Holding up a badge of "but I'm a nice..." anything when you're engaging in behavior that will hurt others does not make you a nice person. It makes you a deceptive one.

 

I would advise you to at least have the sac to end things with your current girlfriend and then give it a good solid two months of staying single to make sure your current lust object and infatuation doesn't turn out to be one of those temptations that lands you in even hotter water than she already has. But that's just me and I really highly doubt you'll listen to anyone's advice on here. Just stop pretending to be a nice guy cheating with a good girl while you break a truly good girl's heart. Personally I think you're going to find yourself in this same boat another four years down the line when this new girl is no longer new and the next attractive whoever comes along who doesn't herself doesn't have enough integrity and spine to say, "Let's take this temptation and toss it in the garbage shall we? There's no reason to F up anyone's life just because the hormones are raging."

[SpottiOtti]

You don't come accross as a guy who's in love with his girlfriend. You didn't say anything about how she would feel if she found out you were cheating, or about feeling any guilt whatsoever for becoming intimate with someone else. In fact, you seem to feel entitled to cheat. And you are talking yourself into staying with your girlfriend because apparently you are the glue holding her together, which conveniently allows you to continue to feel entitled to cheat while simultaneously allowing you to avoid taking the life-altering action of breaking up with her. Nice one.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh or judgmental . . . I was once a cheater, so I know how the mind can weave these convoluted webs. I have a feeling you are about to tangle yourself up but good.

[redswim30]

You don't come accross as a guy who's in love with his girlfriend. .

 

Exactly my thoughts. If you know you don't love your gf, and you KNOW you don't want to marry her, then stop stringing her along if you KNOW she is expecting marriage from you.

 

You need to be honest, and she will have to deal with it. But ultimately, I think she will be better off not marrying a man who doesn't think she's the One.

 

Don't stay with her out of complacency. You won't do yourself or especially her any favors.

[SooSad33]

" I love her dearly. But I think I'm falling fast and hard for another girl."

- Then maybe you don't 'love' her.

 

"I've known this girl for only 2 weeks and we're crazy about each other. "

- Infatuation. ( Can YOU control it? Is you 'love' for your gf strong enough?)

 

"We work together "

- NOT a good thing.. to even THINK of getting involved with someone at a work place...

 

"we have hung out until 4 in the morning the past 3 nights in a row. We hooked up 2 nights ago, but did not have sex"

- Wtg.. geeze.

 

"She is a nice girl and feels terrible that I have a girlfriend"

- Well yeah! I don't get YOU. I feel for both of THEM.

 

" However she wants to, and we even discussed dating if I broke up with my current GF."

- Seriously could be a BIG mistake. You're asking for it, though.

 

" I am terrified that if I did leave her, it would put her in a very dark and potentially dangerous place. "

- Of course it'll hurt. They always do.

 

" I have no idea to do. I'm completely infatuated with this new girl "

- THIS hits the nail on the head. You're only infatuated with her.

Things will die down in a few months and you'll probably STILL have some guilt lying inside about how you broke up with your gf of a long term relationship. Then, how good is life going to be??

 

I suggest you learn to control yourself. Deal with ONE thing at a time.

If you're really not happy with what you've got now? Speak up & be honest with her. Do not cheat!

 

Then I suggest you remain at a 'friendly' distance with this 'new girl' for a good few months to work on YOURSELF after you BU with your GF.

So you can at least be a little more mentally & emotionally stable.. to be able to move on again in a healthy manner.

[BobbyB1989]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I can understand why people would think I'm a piece of crap for this...believe me, I feel terrible about it. As much as it seems like I don't, I really, really care about my girlfriend--but I'm human and I've made a mistake.

 

For now I'm going to back off from the new girl and see what happens. I cant tell my GF what happened (it would probably crush her even more than just breaking up) but I will try to work things out with her. Will come back with any updates. Thanks again

[SooSad33]

Good plan, Bobby.

 

Please deal with what you've got there, now. Don't mess yourself up even more...

[lymphocyte]

It's good that you're working on it, but just remember that even if you DON'T tell her about this other girl, she still may find out at some point.

 

She might not find out at all, and all the better for her. But she might.