Online dating. POST YOUR EXPERIENCES HERE.

[John John]

Right...but in addition to also being judged for our looks, we are judged by how much money we make/our bank accounts, how "confident" we are, if we're "nice but not too nice," if we have an "edge," how tall we are, if we have a sense of humour, where we are in our careers, and the list goes on and on. I personally feel that most women just need to make some effort in looking nice (which you clearly work VERY hard at doing, and I definitely commend you for that!), and then just show up. Most of us guys don't really care about much aside from physical attraction and just generally if we have some things in common. For me personally...if I'm attracted to a woman and during the date, I've found that I have some things in common with her, that's enough for me. As long as she has a career, wants a family eventually/is family-oriented, and doesn't have the personality of a nail, she's a contender. Men generally have to jump through more hoops, in my opinion. But I know people are going to disagree with me, and I'm not trying to start a gender war, this is just my personal opinion. Finding love is equally as hard for both sexes, I just feel that dating in and of itself is easier for women.

 

Also, I take care of my looks just the way you do. I workout, I have bleached my teeth in the past, I do manscaping, I maintain a good wardrobe...women aren't the only ones grooming themselves.

[deadmareish]

I agree with you MCJD... I mean I'll raise my hand for all women and say we are judging you on all these things. Although personally I don't care as long as the guy can hold a strong conversation and make me laugh. In fact, I aim lower in the looks department because in past experience I have come to find that men that are too 'pretty' generally don't want from you what you want from them. But hey, maybe that's just me and I've had some bad luck. I think a lot of peoples opinions on this type of thing will be different, because we all look for different things. I don't know though, I find in ratio there are more women on dating sites then men, so men can pick a choose or they can try a bunch of us and see which one returns to them. For me as a women I feel that because there are less men to choose from, I have to choose out very carefully which one I think would be worth my time.

 

I think it's nice that we try so hard, but then you have to think about the person you put accross to the person you actually are. Do you always try so hard to look so good, or am I only going to get to see this for a little while? ... see what I mean? That goes for women and men

[faraday]

I said it was tongue in cheek and you still took me serious

 

MCJD- you are a rare man. That might be why you get more initiations than normal on OLD.

 

Most men that I know don't bleach their teeth, get professional mansscaping (I've only met one guy that waxed his balls), or care a lot about their casual wear (the stuff they wear when we hang out- most have good work clothing, but wear shirts from college in their downtime).

 

So you go above and beyond the norm, and I'm sure it reflects in the quality of women you attract.

 

 

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[John John]

I said it was tongue in cheek and you still took me serious

 

MCJD- you are a rare man. That might be why you get more initiations than normal on OLD.

 

Most men that I know don't bleach their teeth, get professional mansscaping (I've only met one guy that waxed his balls), or care a lot about their casual wear (the stuff they wear when we hang out- most have good work clothing, but wear shirts from college in their downtime).

 

So you go above and beyond the norm, and I'm sure it reflects in the quality of women you attract.

 

 

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LOL I actually missed that bit...my bad faraday...I hope you still love me

 

I mean, I bleached my teeth last year, but I maintain the results with good hygiene. I also don't do professional manscaping...I manscape myself down there all on my own I also don't really care much about what I wear, unless I'm going out on a date or out with my friends. I'm really not that high maintenance, I just make an effort. I thought all men did this? LOL

[faraday]

LOL I actually missed that bit...my bad faraday...I hope you still love me

 

I mean, I bleached my teeth last year, but I maintain the results with good hygiene. I also don't do professional manscaping...I manscape myself down there all on my own I also don't really care much about what I wear, unless I'm going out on a date or out with my friends. I'm really not that high maintenance, I just make an effort. I thought all men did this? LOL

 

You are forgiven.

 

 

 

My brother is the only guy I know that's bleached his teeth...and that's only because I told him to. He used to smoke and it was gross.

 

I have to bleach yearly...I primarily live on coffee and red wine and I get it done through my dentist (so he can keep tabs on my enamel).

 

Most of the guys I've dated manscape by shaving down there when it gets like crazy...so it's feast or famine And most of the men I know have more beer shirts than shirts they paid for...so...

 

Idk. I know guys put in effort...but women do way more on average and without even thinking about it...it's just normal.

 

In nature, (like animals) it's the males that need to attract the women. They need to show that they are "Big, strong protectors" that can provide for their mate...and really, it's the same in humans. Women are looking for guys that are confident (indicating they believe in their own ability to protect and provide) and a decent job...(because women love based on admiration and respect. Men love by adoring their attractive catch).

 

And just like animals, more attractive the female is (indicating fertility and superior genetics) the better males she gets vying for her attention.

 

I stand by the idea that we're still not far from the apes that we came from.

 

I think guys have a harder time on OLD meeting women...but I think love is equally hard to find for both genders. That connection...that spark...it's rare. It's special.

 

I met HUNDREDS of men before I met my bf. I was his first date from OLD. So while he didn't get as many dates....I had to wade through so many people to find him.

 

Sorry about the ramble I need coffee. Real bad.

 

 

 

 

 

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[Fudgie]

No, I completely agree with you. Women just have to look "good' and then show up. And looking "good" is so subjective. I do not put much effort into my looks at all, I'm much of a Plain Jane and that's what I'm kind of going for. Long, straight brown hair, I wash it and run a brush through it, sometimes blow dry it and that's it. I don't wear make up, I don't tan (I'm pale as heck), I don't bleach my teeth (then again, my teeth don't stain much), I only shave my legs/pits with razors I get from Dollar Shave Club, etc. I take about 15 min to get "ready". I don't think I've ever really dressed up for a date. And when I did OLD (and my pics were Plain Jane too), I still got tons of messages and most were men seeking relationships, not creepy horndogs.

 

So I will always believe, yes, we women have it easier, by far.

 

To be honest, from most of my talking with men, I see that their idea of physical attraction is much base and less focused on the details. Most men aren't going to notice/care if all of your colours match just right, if what you're wearing is "in style" that season, what your shoes look like, etc.

 

A man came to see me for the first time...well groomed, clean, in a crisp suit, new shoes. Me? Decent T-shirt, dress pants that I managed to get pet hair before I left, and old sneakers. I washed, brushed, and blow dried my hair and that was it. And he thought I was absolutely gorgeous and was attracted, vice versa too.

 

There's no way I could pull that off if I were a man, haha.

[John John]

Great, insightful and honest post...thank you Fudgie. I don't understand why people (mostly women) sometimes try to argue with me on this point, when I would say it's all but a fact that women have it easier (and again, when I say they have it easier, I'm not talking about finding a suitable relationship - just dating, in general).

 

And you added a good point..."look good" is highly subjective, and varies from person to person. And men aren't as harsh with judging a woman's looks as people may believe. I feel like, as long as guy finds a woman attractive and can at least carry a conversation with her/have a decent time...he will want to see her for at least a few dates.

 

I will add that I'm not implying that looks are everything for me or for other men. I've been out with very attractive women that were devoid of personalities, and so I would never want to date them seriously over the long-term. But I sure wasn't judging their income or career (just don't be a stripper/street walker, please), confidence (lol), thinking they were "too nice," or if they committed any fashion crimes.

[Fudgie]

Yep, I agree with your MCJD. Here is another point: I've been told by a few women over my lifetime (including family members) that I should wear make-up. "Oh you'd look soooo pretty with make-up" or "Oh, you have beautiful features, you should wear make up to accentuate your features." I've never, ever, ever, EVER had a man tell me that I needed make up. I'm not everyone's cup of tea (well, duh, no one is, really) but the ones who like me like me for how I look and it doesn't matter what I wear or if I wake up with messy hair, they like how I look.

 

Also, many women have "lists" of what they are looking for in a man. I admit that I have had my "lists" to some extent. I don't know any guy who does that though, outside of just wanting someone who they find attractive, fun, have some common interests, a good personality, and shared life goals. That's about it.

 

Thank goodness you guys are just easy to please.

[John John]

Agreed and agreed! I actually PREFER women without makeup...I was never a fan of the Christina Aguilera warpaint look.

 

And you are 100% right - that's pretty much all we men want!

[saluk]

Yeah some guys are no-makeup guys. A lot of the things women do to look good are less about what the man will think if they don't, but ensuring that they keep up with the joneses of their "competition". I think a lot of the ways men act are the same way. While there are some women who are big on the guy paying for dates, most of the women I've gone out with LET me pay rather than expecting it. I just want to do it because, well, that's what guys are supposed to do right? All of this social progression has made the rules so fuzzy, haha. There were bad aspects to the structure in the 40s, but at least there were less things to hem and haw about. But I wasn't alive then so maybe it was just as bad but in different ways.

 

I would say women have dating easier in certain ways. More opportunities to date, sure. But statistics would then dictate they have more opportunities for BAD dates - or harmful ones. I do wish I got more messages on OLD though. Not female levels of messages but, like, more than 1 or 2 a year! Connections are only made by sending 100s of messages because few of those ever get a reply. I know it's because each recipient has an overflowing inbox of stuff and has to manage that, so it is what it is.

[PetiteGirl]

Thank goodness you guys are just easy to please.

 

Yup! I once went on a first date (with this guy I met through online dating) right after being at a farm all day. I was sweaty, covered in dust, cheeks red from being under the sun, and makeup smearing. I did put in the effort of trying to look clean and nice, but you could still tell that I was out all day. The guy I went out with thought I was gorgeous. We went out hiking and both of us panting and sweating like crazy due to the warm weather. He told me this was one of the best dates he's ever had.

[faraday]

There are different levels of attractiveness and different levels of natural.

 

I used to not wear makeup or make much of an effort either with clothing, other than being clean...and I had no problem meeting men interested in dating me that thought I was gorgeous.

 

What is blatantly obvious though, is that if my exes were lined up from my dating start until now...both the quality of the guys I've dated, and how attractive they are, increased significantly when I started maintaining myself and putting effort into my appearance. People that I've become friends with in the last few years don't understand why I dated my daughter father- he's nowhere near the kind of guys I date now.

 

And...btw, if you do makeup right, you look natural My bf didn't know I wore makeup until I told him I had to go wash it off before bed....he was really confused. It's not about "war paint" lol. All maintenance is about looking "natural" and put together, without looking fake or like it took work.

 

Just sayin'

 

With that said, women who are boring, rude, self absorbed...well, personality deficient...no matter how hot they are.....are going to have a hard time going beyond a date or two (or sex)...because everyone wants someone fun and kind and that makes them feel good. And personality does make people more or less attractive.

 

 

 

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[Fudgie]

Interesting that you would attribute an increase in the quality of guys to your increased maintenance of your looks, rather than personal growth and changing taste in guys, because honestly, that's what it is for most people as they get older. I dated losers in high school, started dating older when I turned 18 and those guys were a lot better, all were motivated (with the sole exception of my last ex), good jobs/careers, similar interests, treated me well, etc. I haven't made any real changes in my appearance (same haircut since I was 12) or effort towards it but the quality of men that I dated DRAMATICALLY got better without me changing my beauty routine. I'm inclined to believe that quality guys were there all along, but I was young and not looking for the right traits in the right men.

 

As women, we have a lot of options. But if your standards are set high from the start, then quality of men that you date shouldn't be an issue because regardless of what you will look like because you will be able to pick out quality men from the get-go. If there are none available, then you keep looking until you find someone who meets or exceeds your standards.

Unless of course, settling was an issue..

 

I was made rather painfully aware of the fact (by women, no less) early on that I was not making myself as "desirable" by opting to be a Plain Jane. However, I've always found available high quality men. Then again, my standards are a bit different from other women's so who knows. In the end, I think it boils down to what you want to do with your time and the sort of guy that you want to attract. Wearing a "face" that people would come to expect on me and spending so much $$ on beauty supplies/clothes is not an interest of mine. I resented women telling me for so long that it was somehow "needed" to find a partner. Hasn't been my experience at all.

[faraday]

Have you ever seen that documentary where they give a group of men and women a number based on their looks and set them free to partner up? Everyone ended up with the person equal to their own attractiveness number on their own. They instinctively knew what was their equal. 10s don't date 4s. 7s don't date 3s. People end up dating someone within 1-2 attractiveness points of their own attractiveness.

 

So...yes, my picker is way better...of course I've grown and changed and can pick more suitable partners. What I was trying to say is that...I'm dating better looking men, and their quality hasn't went down, it's went up...like...some times you can have one or the other, but not both....I'm getting both.

 

With that said, The men I date now wouldn't have taken a second look at the girl I was 7 years ago. And that's not just because my personality has become super stellar It's because I'm more attractive. And no, the guys I'm dating aren't superficial jerks...they're just biologically programmed to date their own number.

 

Do you understand what I'm saying?

 

 

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[Fudgie]

Ooohh I see what you are saying....I think we were using the word "quality" differently, oops. You were meaning it more in terms of looks, I was meaning it just in terms of personality traits/attributes that are not related to looks, because that's what I think of when I hear "quality men".

 

But yeah, in terms of LOOKS, yes, people tend to date relative to their own attractiveness for the most part. And that makes sense. I think I'm a 5-6, depending on the day, even though I think the rating is silly, and I am 100% okay with that.

 

I am one of those pretty rare people who really doesn't give a s__t about looks...look wise, I've dated accross the board: conventionally good looking, very thin, obese, longish hair, shorter hair, white, non-white, it doesn't matter much to me because I'm very picky about other traits but not about looks, if I fall in love with someone's personality (difficult part for me), I can be sexually attracted, barring hygiene issues or things like that.

 

If you are looking for more conventionally physically attractive men, then yes, making yourself more conventionally physically attractive to the best of your ability makes sense and would be worth your time if that is something that is important to you. It is definitely not for me but that's okay because everyone has different standards!

 

It's the same thing if you are looking for an active, fit partner, best to be fit yourself...at least that's what I tell people. Like attracts like.

 

I do recall meeting someone a while ago who seemed like he would be a good fit for me on paper, we actually had a lot of uncanny similarities, but his weight turned me off and I knew I wouldn't be attracted to him. It wasn't a physical attraction issue though. He was sooooo heavy. I was over 300+ at one time but no longer. I need someone who is more active and conscious about eating like I am now. I think if I were still whale-size like I was, I would have considered him but now that I'm no longer that big, I wouldn't date someone like that, no.

 

The person I'm interested in now is actually quite athletic, strong, good body, more in line with the new me...like attracts like for sure.

[faraday]

Part of my post didn't make it out to that post. I explained what "quality" meant...but I must have cut to move it and not pasted

 

"Quality" is more tangible...things that you write down on paper....like social status, education, and profession.

 

I think personality traits are very important. Kindness, intelligence, a sense of humour, a strong moral compass, social responsibility...have always been important. I've always dated good guys...just...some of them are cool with working retail and living with 6 roommates. I'm not. But that's what I was attracting before.

 

So paper quality has went up to. And that I attribute to the things that I have accomplished as a person.

 

 

 

 

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[janut1]

My last experience was pretty good. I met my X BF on a site, talked to him for a couple months before meeting, that was me, not him. I was scared to death to meet him.

 

I'm back on now and it is awful. I had a guy contact me, nice photo and profile. I am really picky about who I talk to, and he seemed like a nice person. He asked me for my email. I created a bogus one that I use for people I don't know or trust. I say, please don't send anything inappropriate. Well, he emails me back on the online site and tells me that he was going to send me inappropriate photos of his "member" and that there are so many women on that site that send him photos and on and on about what they send him. Im like EWWWW!!! I immediately blocked him. Most want bootie calls and don't really care about who with. Its just a strange vibe really

 

Is there anyone normal out there? I'm feeling like I am just SOL.

[faraday]

There are lots of normal guys...most are normal and good actually

 

I think asking men wait for months to meet you....will drive away the good ones. Normal guys that aren't desperate aren't going to have an email relationship for months....especially when they can email someone else on the site that wants to meet tomorrow. Don't give a guy an email address...give him your phone number.

 

And...idk what site you're on, but when I was on free sites, the quality was horrible. I got so many penis pictures. On eH I didn't have any inappropriate emails or texts. So maybe change whatever site you're on.

 

I think when we go into things expecting the worst, we get that back to us. Try to screen profiles less (because profiles are pretty much useless) and talk to a guy on the phone or meet him. That's the best way to judge character. (Unless they have a major deal breaker or red flags in their profile). Also make sure your profile is positive. Talk about things you like and love...don't talk about negatives...keep it light and fun.

 

And remember, it's a numbers game. You have to meet a lot of "no"s before you meet a "yes". Just think of first meets as meeting someone new instead of looking to see if they're going to be your soul mate

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

 

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[newgirlhere]

First thing's first: Have fun with this.

 

Do not overthink it. (Not sayin' that's what you're doing

 

The bad onlines dates wind up being awesome stories for gatherings with friends. They also tell you a lot about what you are looking for and what you can't stand for.

 

The good dates will make you feel so great, and can really go somewhere. We live in a world now where it is not only 'possible' to find our soulmate via online, but becoming more and more likely. Many of us young, single people live in cities filled with busy busy people, and not a lot of time to just wait for fate to lend a hand. If you go into this experience with an open mind, you'll have a lot of fun. I found the messages and the occasional flirtations - even if they led nowhere - to be really good for me recovering from a breakup. When I got a creepy message, I'd share it with a girlfriend or screenshot it and laugh.

 

And, the icing on the cake - probably the most wonderful relationship I have ever had - battling literally ALL odds I could have imagined - has come out of an online dating service. None of my previous relationships started online, and he and I are somehow better matched than anyone I've ever dated before.

 

Give it a shot. Don't put pressure on it. And hang in there.

[faraday]

The bad onlines dates wind up being awesome stories for gatherings with friends. .

 

Hahaha how true is that?!?! I started a blog about mine. I had a guy who ran into my house to poop at the end of our date. Another couldn't figure out how to open his car door because his remote died (I showed him that keys work too- he's not trapped lol)...another one who found me on a forum like this and reemed me out because I had posted that I had 6 dates that day (he was the last one) and he was offended that I didn't dedicate the day to him.

 

Oh dating! Lol

 

 

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[happpybear]

I had a guy who ran into my house to poop at the end of our date. Another couldn't figure out how to open his car door because his remote died

 

ahahahahahahaha

[IAmFCA]

Hahaha how true is that?!?! I started a blog about mine. I had a guy who ran into my house to poop at the end of our date. Another couldn't figure out how to open his car door because his remote died (I showed him that keys work too- he's not trapped lol)...another one who found me on a forum like this and reemed me out because I had posted that I had 6 dates that day (he was the last one) and he was offended that I didn't dedicate the day to him.

 

Oh dating! Lol

 

 

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Six dates. Rock star!

[janut1]

Now that is funny! And YES, I have some great stories already. I think that was the first time that I got the Penis photo proposition. Anyway EH was awful for me, expensive and no action at all. I am now using Zoosk,which is pretty fun. The one with the Penis pic offer was a free site, so yeah I will stick with the paid sites.

[newgirlhere]

Oh wow, I apparently need to go on more!!

 

I had a couple doozies, for sure. I had one guy who was extremely mean to me and kept making snarky comments to things I said -- so I figured, for sure, he was not interested in me (he also seemed to be somewhat sexually confused but that's another story for another time), but then out of nowhere he leaned accross the table, laid one on me (a kiss, and it really was not that kind of environment) and then nodded and said "Ok. You're a good kisser! So that's a plus!"

 

.........

 

We did not go out again.

[IAmFCA]

"I am used to women inviting in for sex on the third date. I need to feel desired!"

 

Oh, whatever.