We moved in, and she changed dramatically.

[Aeropro]

Hello guys,

 

My writing to you confirms two things that I was not willing to admit until this moment: 1) I have lost the love of my life, 2) I can't accept her, yet, NOT being the love of my life.

 

We met at work and it only took a year for me to reel her in. She came from an abusive relationship that contained threats of abuse, drug abuse, and a sense of being a victim. She and I had a lot of small talk at work before I finally asked if she'd like to go out and "talk". Mind you, I still respected the fact she was in a relationship, but knew that she needed someone to save her from her situation. We had a great time, she opened up to me a lot, and we ended up eventually falling into "puppy love".

 

Two years later, things were perfect. The job we each worked out allowed us to each pursue careers once we finished college. We ended up renting our first place together! Things were rocky in the beginning, mostly from her end. She held a lot of "truths" from me for the longest time because she didn't want to lose me. She had smoked marijuana for a time in college (a four month span) and was peer pressured into taking LSD - two things that when I found out (about three months into our relationship) I could not get over. She also lied about some people she had been with (I, myself, was a virgin at the time we were intimate the first time). As time went on, however, I learned to love her for all of her mistakes and quirks and, looking back, I had to grow up.

 

About two months ago now I moved out of the apartment. I did not want to, but she had a drastic change in attitude which seemingly forced me to. Our rent was feasible with the two of us, but if I would not have been happy paying THAT much for an apartment by myself. She said that it was "too much pressure" living together and that she had a change of heart with it and needed "more alone time". Most of this stress stemmed from when she started her new job. She was worried, had high anxiety, and was hard on herself. During this phase she started lying to me again. She ended up contacting her abusive ex and started apologizing for everything *she* did to *him*. I nipped it in the bud and found out. She got extremely defensive, pushed me away, and went about her business.

 

I was broken, torn, and confused. This was the love of my life. We had a future. A month later (one month ago), she apologized for everything. She confessed that the night I purchased my new car and wanted her to come with me, that she lied about having a work event and was actually on a date with some other guy she had told me she didn't have any feelings for. She confessed everything, and ultimately she did not hook up or anything of the sort. She was confused, and not sure if she wanted to be with me until she had some space. She told me she wants to be with me, wants to have our life back together, and wants to be a better person. She changed for the better. She would show me her phone when random guys would text her (since she had opened the gate for it) without me asking and started wearing the ring I bought her on our first anniversary. Life was good, and I promised her that while it would take some time to build trust back, I was willing and would respect her space.

 

Last week I worked Saturday morning and spent the night at her place that Friday. Saturday morning she kissed me, hugged me, told me she loved me, and that she couldn't wait to see me after work. By 3:00pm, she wanted extreme "space" again and said that she doesn't want to "tug me along" anymore and that it isn't fair to me. Mind you, she started her period I believe on that Friday.

 

This week has been a disaster of emotions. I'm not sure if this is another phase... if she means it this time... or what. I just can't simply handle this feeling. I work 40+ hours each week and each one of them has dragged on with me peaking at my phone to see if she texts. The last three weeks were great - she texted every morning - we had a routine that showed one another that we cared and were there. Now, she responds to texts randomly... doesn't text in the morning nor at night... and is hit or miss with everything. She still has me as her boyfriend on Facebook for what that is worth. I bought her some flowers and chocolate as I feel this is a period swing, but it is just a bit too frequent now and I have no idea what to expect.

 

Thank you, friends.

[Edmund Exley]

You cant get over someone having tried a few drugs in college or that they have had sex. You really shouldn't be in relationships because you have a very distorted view. People have history and they do things, and its not something for you to "get over".

 

That said, her lying, while not excusable, is most likely a byproduct of having been in a relationship where truthfulness wasn't always safe. You don't help things by resenting her truthfulness about marijuana and her sexual past.

[1a1a]

I cant get past your wants not lining up. You want to spend a lot of time together, she doesn't. That alone qualifies aqgp incompatible. Everything in your posts suggests its time to let her go.

[CraigHowes]

Yea the knight in shining armour works great in the movies but it doesn't really transfer into the real world.

 

The red flags were there from the beginning, you saw them knew it was a risk but still went for it. Can you see she's had no time to deal with any of her break ups? She just jumps from one guy to the next as soon as they show interest.

 

Basically she places all of her self-worth and self value in other people which one isn't healthy and two will not work in the long run as you've found out.

 

You've both got lessons to learn here and those will come with time. You need to let her go and stop being her emotional crutch. People don't change over night my friend and she will never learn to stand on her own two feet with you around.

 

Too much has happened and there is too much emotional baggage on both ends for this to work.

 

nows the time to worry about yourself and start to get control of your emotions and move on so next time you have personal boundaries and deal breakers. You will also be in a better experience to judge red flags as you'll be able to pull up this experience.

 

Trust me we've all been through this kind of relationship, you will have more relationships and more women in your future the key is to set this one free.

 

Freedom comes when you let go of what no longer serves you. She no longer serves your spirit or soul.

[Brotherhood67]

She cheated on her ex to be with you.

 

She lied numerous times to you.

 

Is she worthy of your time and efforts ?

 

No.

 

So let her Go.

[lostandhurt]

You tried to "Save" her but it sounds like she doesn't want to be saved any longer.

 

She lies, cheated on you (dating some other guy is cheating) and is all over the place with her emotions and actions.

 

She is simply is to extreme for you. I fell in love with a woman like this and still love her but the extremes were just to much to live with and I ended it.

 

The best thing for you (and I think you know this already) is to break up with her permanently. Can you imagine living the rest of your life like this? Checking your phone wondering, checking her phone, wondering what mood she is going to be in when you get home, walking on egg shells and on and on.

 

That isn't love.

 

She needs to be single and see a therapist for a while so she can figure out her life and what she wants.

 

I am sorry but you need to end this.

 

Lost

[Iggy5129]

She was in a relationship with a drugabuser and you thought she never tried drugs ?? She probably did more than she told you. You seem a bit too naive to be with this girl. She knows a bit more about the real world than you.

 

She tried herb for a few months and tried lsd, it's not like she was a heroin addict and even if she was it doesn't change who she is now. Stop being so judgemental of people's past.

[Man with Dog]

She is a stranger to the truth. OK she has a past, like 99.999% of us on here. You may be inexperienced in relationships but we all have to start from somewhere. I would strongly recommend that you do not even think of trying to get back with her. She may well return when the next bloke bails out on her but the chances are that she will continue to behave the way she does because she can. You will probably meet someone much more suitable as a life partner than her.

 

Good luck.

[Aeropro]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I guess I shouldn't have listed the drug thing as it was something I got over relatively quickly. It was the fact she lied about them that made the foundation of things shaky. So, while I could have handeled things better, the reason for it was mostly due to the lies in the beginning. I am not immature with the aspect about "getting over" her mistakes. I've made mistakes, too. Again, it's just the lies.

 

She is a great person and we get along great. We enjoy the same things, have the same sense of humor, and goals in life. We love each other. She is just saying she needs "space", but still wants me "there". I believe she wants me as her boyfriend, but she doesn't want the pressure of having to "improve" for me. I told her relationships are about improving and we have grown a lot in the last two years and have had WAY more good experiences than bad. I just feel (and she just felt a week ago) that it is a hiccup and we can get back on track.

 

I feel the important aspects are "there" with her and she does as well. Do I just give her the time and back-off a bit and stay in the relationship? I do trust her. She does great things for me as I do for her. It's just the pressure that is getting to her that worries me. Maybe I am being impatient?

[CraigHowes]

Wake up and smell the daisy's mate. Look at her actions and not her words. She is asking for space but still wants you there I mean come on now that's just silly. All she is saying there is carry on being my emotional tampon while I go out and do whatever and whoever I want.

 

You've turned into her safety net and you need to step back and see this logically. Your acting out of fear which is 1. Not attractive. 2 . Will never work. She will only start to deal with her issues once you sweep that safety net away from her.

 

Read your post back and take yourself out of the equation it's screams I don't want to be with you and that she is done.

 

It's time to stand up for yourself and have some self respect and go wait no I deserve better than this.

 

If you truly love her as a person you need to let her go and fix her issues on her own and you have your own work to do. You can't save her and she doesn't want saving hence why she is mentioning the pressure of improvement. What she wants is freedom.

 

It's too late my friend this has run its course and it's time to let her go.

[Jehst1987]

"Back-off a bit and stay in the relationship" doesn't work for you. I think you deserve more respect than that. It sounds like she's confused. I think you'd be better off saying you need space, so I am going to give it to you, let's end things. There is no point in letting her have space AGAIN but you hanging around waiting for her to have clarity. Give yourself more respect than that.

[itsallgrand]

I think she has been a trainwreck (from what you describe) the entire time you have known her, you just didn't see it. Blinders of love and lust; which we can all relate to, everyone has been there at some point.

 

Time to let her go.

[JGintheOC]

Doesn't matter if you get along and have the same interests. She is incapable of operating in a honest and functional relationship.

 

She lies to you, reels you in to push you away constantly, goes out with other men. She treats you like and youre justifying it all?

 

No she's not the "one". People that are the love of your life aren't this dramatic being with.

[Aeropro]

How do I go about forgetting about it? It seems like pure torture. Today I promised myself I wouldn't contact, and yet now she contacted me and wants to see me tonight which opened the door to a huge convo. This tells me that it could just be her hormones and that the last huge event was just due to work stress and "becoming an adult". Am I insane for trying to justify it?

 

I decided to move back home for the time being and am in the process of getting a house. It just seems so hard doing things without someone there. I always did things with others in mind... like even getting my first home I am mentally doing it for her in a strange way and I know it is not a healthy thing. For instance, if I choose to do no contact right now... I will be sitting there at home dwelling on her. Even in these early stages... if I try to keep myself occupied (which I can)... I will find myself just HOPING that my phone will light up with a text from her.

 

Is there any chance, guys? Or is this a lost cause. Is there a way, with separation, that she will see the good in me (which she had in the past) and realize she has made a gigantic mistake? Should I expect a big apology again and for her to want to be back together or is that an unhealthy thought?

 

Thanks again.

[JGintheOC]

Like we said. She ISNT a great person to be with.

 

She is screwed up in the head. Stop dwelling on her becuase you issues being alone.

 

Have a life and go live it.

[lilypadgirl]

She's a mess and not in a place where she can be in a healthy and committed relationship. She's basically had no time to figure herself out between relationships. Especially given how abusive her last relationship was, she really needs some time, and it sounds like some therapy, to deal with her issues.

 

End this and let it stay ended. It will be hard. But better than keep dragging this out while she continues to lie to you and possibly be cheating on you (if not already). Can you really trust that nothing happened that time she went on a date?

 

Also, I recommend that you take some time to figure out what you are looking for in a relationship and what a healthy relationship means to you. It concerns me that you felt the need to "save" her. Is it possible that maybe part of you was attracted to how messed up she was and wanting to be the hero? I have guy friends who are attracted to girls with issues hoping that they would be the one to help her and end up happily ever after. But that does not make for a healthy relationship and they end up heartbroken over and over again.

[SooSad33]

"About two months ago now I moved out of the apartment. I did not want to, but she had a drastic change in attitude which seemingly forced me to. Our rent was feasible with the two of us, but if I would not have been happy paying THAT much for an apartment by myself. She said that it was "too much pressure" living together and that she had a change of heart with it and needed "more alone time". Most of this stress stemmed from when she started her new job. She was worried, had high anxiety, and was hard on herself. During this phase she started lying to me again. She ended up contacting her abusive ex and started apologizing for everything *she* did to *him*. I nipped it in the bud and found out. She got extremely defensive, pushed me away, and went about her business."

- If you two got together within very few months of her BU, then you've been like a rebound for her.

She is/was not ready emotionally or mentally to handle another relationship that soon.

 

"she lied about having a work event and was actually on a date with some other guy she had told me she didn't have any feelings for. She confessed everything, and ultimately she did not hook up or anything of the sort. She was confused, and not sure if she wanted to be with me until she had some space"

- So, how many times are YOU going to forgive her for her 'actions'? Those speak louder then words..

 

She's giving you the hot/cold because of HER own uncertainty. She's messed.. she's confused.

& all over the place. She cannot promise you anything at this point.

 

If she needs space? Give it to her.

Do NOT keep at her. Do not follow. Do your own thing now.