I've Outgrown Him

[Brotherhood67]

Well I think there is some credence to the old adage that men mostly cheat for sex, women mostly cheat for emotional support. I don't think anyone is judging you. In fact the replies have been better than I have expected when this topic is breached.

 

And a Hell of a lot of women and men simply cheat because... well... "they can"...

 

For me it means grasping an opportunity, craving for attention, craving for this "thrill" of cheating.

 

Selfishness is Unisex...

[AutumnBorn]

Nike, here are three things to consider:

 

1. If your spouse is not working with you to get the marriage back to a good place, then there is nothing to work on. Nothing you do will be effective because it takes effort from both partners to create a workable, healthy marriage;

 

2. Do everything in your power to create the change your marriage needs (read self help books, seek out counsel from therapists, clergy and friends), attend self improvement programs alone and together to work on yourself as well as the relationship;

 

3. Because you won’t get new mental and emotional information until you take different actions, try something you haven’t tried before - if you haven’t gone to couple’s therapy, seek out a therapist to work on your communication or conflict resolution skills; if you’ve never physically separated, try that for three to six months to see what that feels like. You will also get a new set of emotions when you recommit to your spouse, make the therapy appointment, move back into the bedroom or when you go out looking for apartments, talk to attorneys and download the paperwork you need to file for divorce.

 

I suggest you read Al Turtle's website - the most comprehensive relationship website, IMO: link removed. Also, there's a book called Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, which may be helpful in determining what you should do.

 

Please, whatever you do, don't leave your marriage for a fantasy. Leave for yourself and only if you must.

[Nike]

I appreciate all the comments, and I'm not sure how much more I should say. But I'm not young anymore and it's not so easy to start over after a certain age. So it's not simply a matter of leaving and then finding someone else. I've been single and I didn't like it. Call me a serial monogamist, but I'm not happy being alone and I don't want to date. I'm very shy and not easy to get to know. I really had a hard time of it when I was single. I DO NOT want to do that again. I think I might have settled for my husband so I didn't have to date anymore, and it would be worse now.

[annie24]

It's up to you - how much is this critisizing and yelling bothering you? Personally, I'd rather be single and not have to deal with someone putting me down all the time.

[lavenderdove]

Well, then if your top priority is not being alone (whatever the cost), then it is risky to leave your husband for another man who may or may not leave his wife and stick with you after both your divorces.

 

A lot depends on how passive you are as a person too, whether you can just tune out a partner who isn't very interesting to you anymore and annoys you. Frankly I'd rather be alone than put up with that, but everyone is different in terms of their priorities.

 

I think you need to have some conversations with the other man about how serious he is about divorcing. Many will promise it, but when it comes right down to it, they can't do it. So if you have a very high priority to never be alone, I would not consider leaving your husband unless your OM has already left his wife and moved out and started the divorce.

 

You also have the option of trying to talk your husband into an open marriage where you are able to see this other man whenever you please and still stay in the marriage, but most people will not agree to that.

[Lester]

There's no easy way out Nike, so the best you can hope for is not to waste your time.

 

You most likely bristle at moral views because of your years of training from mass-media/pop culture. (Nothing happens in a vacuum.)

At first their immoral views seems easy and straight forward but it's all just false support to get you to run away from your fears.

 

Yes, your afraid to demand the marriage you deserve.

 

The immoral approach strangely let's you forget your fears and even think you are brave!

It's always produces an "understanding man" who is more "mature" and willing to rescue you with promises of divorcing he wife and other blah, blah, blah. (You're number 1000 that I've read here on ENA)

 

In the end, you find out you were number three in his black book. (Yes, he is helping/empowering another hidden affair as I type this!) The divorce happens, you're husband changes and remarries.

 

Net effect, you waste five more years and end up alone. (Alone also applies to living with a cheater.)

 

Face your fears now. Demand the marriage you deserve. (We/I can help you with that!)

[Blue Spiral]

I appreciate all the comments, and I'm not sure how much more I should say. But I'm not young anymore and it's not so easy to start over after a certain age. So it's not simply a matter of leaving and then finding someone else. I've been single and I didn't like it. Call me a serial monogamist, but I'm not happy being alone and I don't want to date. I'm very shy and not easy to get to know. I really had a hard time of it when I was single. I DO NOT want to do that again. I think I might have settled for my husband so I didn't have to date anymore, and it would be worse now.

 

I'll give you the advice that I give to everyone: do what you want and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

 

Having said that...you may be settling, again. It sounds like you're once again worried about dating and being single, and you're thinking about rushing into a marriage to avoid it.

 

So, do what you want, but make sure that you're self-aware enough to understand your choices.

[lostandhurt]

So you are cheating on your husband and want to know if you should leave him for your bf?

 

Real men do not cheat on their wives but if you want to spend the rest of your life with a known cheater then tell him to leave his wife and kids and you will do the same and the two of you can get married and live happily ever after.

 

Of course it won't turn out that way but it is a nice fantasy. Most affairs are just fantasy...

 

You are already cheating on your husband emotionally and physically so just divorce him already. Of course I find it interesting that you mentioned he had a good job. many cheaters like the security of the husband and home and the thrill of the bf on the side. Your husband works hard to make money for the family so you can play and have fun. Divorce ends that for both of you.

 

End the marriage so your husband can live his life without being betrayed daily. I think after 20 years you own him that much don't you think?

 

Lost

[agent1607307371]

I think the most telling part here is that you would rather stay with someone who you say doesn't treat you right, than be alone. If this other guy falls through are you just going to resign yourself to unhappiness or wait until another possible life raft floats by?

[Brotherhood67]

Thank you Lost, your post is the best synthesis of my POV.

 

I agree with it 100%.