Should I get help from my ex in finding a new partner? + pressure from family

[Tolk]

I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago. I'm ready to move on, and I will have the time to look for new people very soon.

 

I want my next relationship to last. I want it to be better than the old one and ideally never end. Isn't that what we all want?

 

Instead of rushing into it, as I tried doing after I broke up with my ex, I want to do this the right way. I want to give myself the best chance. I know that I've got attractive qualities and I know that I won't be doomed to be alone forever if I actually put in genuine effort.

 

My self confidence is kind of low. Even though I don't exactly fear for my future, my friends and family are pushing me to get married and have kids. This is frustrating because I know the whole thing is a long process. How can I even be thinking of kids and marriage when I don't even have a new GF yet? ... and even if I did, I would not want to be constantly thinking about the future. I would want to be enjoying myself.

 

I need my family for support and motivation, but I keep getting frustrated with them. 3 of my 4 cousins are either married or will be in the next year. The oldest has 2 kids. I'm 25 and I've only been in one relationship. It feels like I have this weight on me - that I am not performing up to par, that I'm not good enough, that I'm a slower, worse person than they are, someone who's accomplished less and won't be as happy. How do I shake these feelings and be happy with myself?

 

My ex wasn't a good person to me for the last year of our relationship, but she got to know me very well. She was cruel and awful and I have no interest in her, but she was very smart and very social. She knows things about me that no one else does. I haven't spoken to her since the BU. About a month or two ago I would not have been comfortable talking to her, but now after some time alone, some time to think and let certain "feelings happen", I've stopped caring about her.

 

I've been wondering if I could use her as a... sort of guide... to finding someone else. Someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to talk to when I get rejected, someone to tell me if I'm doing the right thing. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have feelings for me any more, nor do I have any for her, but even despite this I'm not sure if this is a good idea. For all I know, tension and resentment and anger might manifest anyway.

 

I just want to give myself the best chance at something new, and I think she *could* help, but a big part of me thinks it's a bad idea.

 

Advice?

[Cheetarah]

She's not a life and relationship coach, she is your ex -Who you say treated you very poorly and was cruel. Why would you trust her to guide you?

 

Also, you broke up with her. Maybe you feel ready, but who is to say she does? And what makes you think she'd want to advocate for her ex to find himself a new woman? This all seems fairly cruel, too.

[ParisPaulette]

Worst.idea.ever. The woman was cruel to you, why do you think she'd just happily run around finding you another love? BTW that's something you need to do on your own after getting past the mad idea that someone who mistreated you might help you. She's not your wing woman, she's an ex.

[Capricorn3]

Really really bad idea. I can't quite get my head around WHY you would even think this ...

[appies]

If you have someone walking you through it are you truly learning to be independent?

 

4 months after a relationship is nothing, especially if you she was mean and cruel. You will gain confidence as you go along.

 

Are you sure you're not just wanting to flaunt new relationships in front of her?

[Tolk]

Alright. Alright. I get it. I thought of it because if we truly don't care about each other then it shouldn't matter, but that can't happen because of the past. I don't think I'd trust her anyway.

 

What about the other thing - with my family?

[sungolds]

No one's opinions of you or your life should matter - not even your family's. Only your opinion matters. Don't give into the pressure they're putting on you. You're the one that has to live your life. They may give you suggestions, but they don't have to deal with the outcomes - you do. Trust your gut.

[mhowe]

Alright. Alright. I get it. I thought of it because if we truly don't care about each other then it shouldn't matter, but that can't happen because of the past. I don't think I'd trust her anyway.

 

What about the other thing - with my family?

 

You don't care about her or trust her but you want her to help you date? That makes no sense.

 

And just because your family/cousins are moving forward in their lives and you have hit a break up does not make them better than you.

 

I suggest you take some time to be alone and focus on getting your self esteem up and running before trying to date just to prove something.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow that's a terrible idea with the ex.

 

Just stay single and work on your self-esteem. 25 is still very young.

[FreeFallFeelin]

No to idea 1, and no to idea 2.

 

Be single, give the pain time to pass, and know that you have a lot of time to find a partner(s).

 

Never ask the ex for anything. Ever. Unless you want to look and feel like a pathetic simp.

[Joe DeStefano]

it's sounds like a great idea you should also let your ex move in with you and also get pregnant asap . . .jk sorry don't do any of this stuff, stop talking to your ex, don't listen to your family, sms do your own thing, you're an adult, start acting like one.

[eskimobobseal]

I think its a great idea to talk to your ex about future or current relationships. I did it, and it resulted in a very fun friendship between the two of us where we were constantly talking about the people we were dating and giving each other the help we needed to be successful in our respective dating lives.

 

If your ex is totally and completely over you and ready to talk to you as a buddy, specifically a buddy that needs help finding "the one", then I say sure! Absolutely form that type of relationship with her and use it to your advantage