sungolds

I tried being friends with you for a second and that just uncovered how truly selfish and drama-filled you are, which is funny because you often accused me of having drama. How could I possibly be friends with you when you don't understand what boundaries are? You are very inconsiderate and, obviously, still very emotionally immature. I haven't had nearly as many relationships as you but, as I've learned, that doesn't matter so much. Relationship after relationship and you still don't seem to "get it." You can't just trade one person in for another. There are feelings involved. Feelings that need to be respected. After four years, showing respect is like pulling teeth. I'm glad I told you I couldn't be friends because the one time I said we should get drinks and catch up, you cancelled and gave me an excuse. Later, you text me that you were so stressed. Another cryptic text later you told me that you were "being an idiot" and that "he is amazing". I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than listen to you gush about him. Another example of you just not having a clue! Seriously, he was a friend from work. You don't need to date everybody! Now you want to place me in the friend zone? So backwards. You don't want to work at anything. You just jump from one person to another. And this was after you told me so many times that you wouldn't date anyone for a loooooong time if we didn't work out. You are really insecure. Everything else in your life is perfect, but you just can't handle being alone. You really hurt me, but you seem to think we can just pick and be friends and forget how you cheated on me- which you still deny! Really?! I'm so disappointed in you and how you treated our relationship. I was completely committed and showed you love, respect, thoughtfulness and kindness. I feel replaced. You can't possibly learn anything about yourself and the mistakes that happened in our relationship if you keep yourself occupied and delusional with "honeymoon" happiness. But that's not my problem now. Before you I never knew what it was like to wake up next to someone everyday and to live life with someone and do things on a consistent basis. I miss that part. I miss that part with you. But even though part of me still loves you and wants you in my life, you have just taken advantage of me one too many times. I deserve better. Having you out of my life is best for me. I know someone is out there who is better for me and will treat me with respect and kindness, and she will not give up on us or trade me in for someone new. She will not easily fall out of love, and she will think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

I wanted to say that I miss you. And it's not out of neediness or desperation. It's because I truly miss you. I know who you are underneath all of that fear and pride. There are some things we both needed to work on, and there were a few things that you did that have me thinking whether I should even count you as a friend. But at the end of the day, aren't those faults that we accept are what make love 'unconditional'? I know I love you unconditionally. And I think, with that, we can build a stronger foundation in the future. I'm hoping you can see all of the hard work I'm doing for myself, and see that we're more than a flash in the pan. Whether or not us being in contact leads to anything more remains to be seen. But I do know that I want you in my life. We just have to agree to be real, authentic and honest.

I love you. I hate you. I miss you.

Hearing you tell me that it would be "high risk/high gain" with your "best friend" hurt me beyond belief. It's like you forgot how much I once meant to you and how much our relationship meant to you. You guys might get along famously, but he can't be that good for you. He's not a man; he's a boy! I don't understand how you can't see this. I love you for who you were- not the woman you were to me towards the end. You can't blame me for everything. You were also at fault. And the fact that you can't see this tells me you are even more immature than I initially thought. You have everything else in your life together, but you can't seem to communicate at all in your intimate relationships. There's a reason why your relationships have a common theme and why you end them- you leave before you can actually work on the areas worth working on. And then you jump into another relationship before working on yourself. You think people just don't "understand" you, but really, you just don't understand yourself and continue to damage yourself in the process. I do love you, and I don't regret being with you. I just wished that you could see what's happening. Part of me wants you back because there's still more to learn and discover and experience, but the other part of me just wants to never speak with you again.

It has been almost three weeks since we've spoken, and I think I've finally stopped counting the days since we split. I think I'm actually beginning to heal, and maybe I'm starting to run out of tears. And I'm beginning to see how manipulative you were during our the last bit of our time together. Whether that was deliberate or not, I don't know. As time passes, I think back to how some of the things don't add up. I feel you were being deceitful and secretive with me about your "friend" when we were in a committed relationship together. If you were having issues with our relationship, then we could have talked about it. To go to your friend and talk with him is, of course, going to build trust there - when we should've been building trust between us. I was committed to you. I admitted my mistakes and really felt bad for how I was treating you and myself. So, I turned myself around and became present and there for you. I was dedicated, loyal and was good to you. When things go bad, you don't go to someone else for fulfillment. Just because I made mistakes doesn't mean I deserved to be treated poorly. I think of you as one of the great loves of my life. The sh*tty thing with that is that, even though you said the same thing to me, your actions showed otherwise. You showed me you weren't all that dedicated or loyal to me. How disappointing. At this point, I don't know if I'd even want to be friends with you. If we were to be friends down the line, then we'd have to start from scratch and slowly build trust. And you would have to accept the fact that I accept you for who you are. Maybe deep down I think we both deserve to have the relationship we are capable of having with one another. Maybe deep down I think that you truly do love me, but are afraid of being hurt by me again. I don't know. I'm angry and sad at how we ended. I was looking forward to traveling with you this year and, ultimately, building a great life together. But you threw it away like it was nothing.

When you kept calling him your "best friend," that really drove a knife through my heart. I can't understand how you just left me like that. All the time and energy you were giving to him you could have been giving to us. The fact that you can't see what you did leading to our conclusion as crossing some serious boundaries is really heartbreaking. Either you don't know what a boundary is, or you're straight up lying to me! And your "friend" never had any regard or respect for our relationship, or else he wouldn't have tried monopolizing your time like that. Maybe the fact that you're both daft about not seeing the scene for what it was means you're perfect for one another... Whenever I've tried to tell you how I feel about this and how it was disrespectful and showed you didn't value my feelings or me as a person, you automatically turn the tables back on me. I know what I did wrong and fully own my responsibility of it. But it takes two. And the fact that you know that I regret what I did, that I'm remorseful, and that I actually took actions to show you that you matter just shows you how much I truly care for you and actually love and accept you for who you are. Accept that I accept you. And so the fact that you were slowly falling in love with him (even if you say you weren't) right under my nose hurt like a m***** f*****. I was committed to you even past our breakup talk. I wouldn't have stayed up til 3am helping you with your job app, if I didn't. You say you like your friend because it's how he treats people. Well, I treated you like a queen. You just didn't accept that I accepted you fully. Every compliment, every nice thing I said was authentic. It wasn't colored with anything negative. I loved you for you. And you left because you couldn't see that. It's such a shame. When you say I 'screwed the pooch', I really didn't. You were honest with me, and I was honest with you. I told you my feelings in response to the situation. The truth hurts. Believe me, I know. But the difference for you is that you get to go about your day and start building a life with someone you "love" right after breaking it off with me. And I don't. How's that for being self-sufficient?? Did I even mean anything to you? It doesn't seem so....