MisUnderstood9 Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 You are better off without him. Any guy who does what he did is a scum bag... he is writting you letters like that to get you worked up and guess what it worked. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 You are better off without him. Any guy who does what he did is a scum bag... he is writting you letters like that to get you worked up and guess what it worked. Sure it worked, I loved this guy ... He had me worked up, but he doesn't know it though ... I guess he was hoping I would contact him. Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Lolitaaa, trust me. Stay strong right now. Do not contact him NOW! Wait. give it time. It can not hurt to stay on track right now. It can only hurt if you were to contact him. Look at it this way if it helps you: You think NC is working, right? That is perfectly fine. But, what if it is? If you continue with NC it will only draw him in more, right? So go with that mindset for a while if it helps you but do not contact him at this point in time. Think of it as you are currently building up strength so that, down the road in a few months or so, when and if you do get in contact, you will be strong and capable to talk without turning into a mess. Tell yourself whatever you need to right now but if NC is working to attract him to you, more NC will only help. Here is the bottom line: You absolutely need to remain in NC until the day where he is crying, begging for forgiveness and gives you a very clear and sincere heartfelt apology. Until then, consider him gone. I really hope this helped you clarify. I know exactly how you feel and I swear it will be a new ball game in a few weeks or so if you just stay on track. I am 7 weeks out from my break up now but am so much stronger and know that NC is the only thing that I have control over right now. Its really hard. No doubt about it. I still struggle every day but I am stable and much more clear headed. Good luck. Please stay strong and dont contact him now. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 To put it bluntly : His letter was selfish, self-centered and downright inappropriate. Even a tiny bit insulting. Re-Read the first paragraph : he blames you for everything, how YOU broke his heart, how YOU let him down, how YOU in vested too late in the relationship. Seriously, what this all means is that he is either some kind of dumb*** or a master liar. I especially love the "I loved you more than you will ever know" bit. Way to go, champ ! After blaming her, just rub this good old line in her face in order to make her feel even more guilty about it! Words are cheap : look at his actions, think rationally : what are those 4 lines compared to what he made you endure ? What are those 4 lines compared to the insults he gave you by acting the way he did ? He wants to ease his guilt, NOTHING ELSE. It's not about you, it's about him. He wants to sleep better at night. He wants to forget about what he has done. He wants to look like "the decent guy" even if he acted like an ***hole. He doesn't care about you. Period. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Wow, what is this ? I am asking for an opinion here, not to go all against me again, He's not going against you. You asked for opinions and he gave you HIS opinion. People are NOT only going to tell you what you want to hear. It doesn't work that way. When you post on a public message board asking for opinions, then that is exactly what you will get. It may not always be what you want to hear, but that doesn't mean that you always have to get so defensive/angry and say people are against you. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I do believe that yes, he is a selfish #### but you don't just stop loving someone, we had a lot of stress due to my miscarriage and he wanted out, thought that was the solution. Once again I KNOW NC is about ME, but it does affect the EX too when you disappear since I'm sure my ex thought I would always be around for him since before the BU I begged and pleaded ... No you don't just stop loving someone, it's a slow realisation and he would have come to this realisation before ending the relationship. His actions, his words .... they aren't those of a decent person. Therefore you can't rationalise any of his contact to any good extent. You are clinging to a false hope. Regardless of who ends a relationship, emotions can go back and forth on both sides. One minute we can be angry and say mean things, the next we may feel regretful and show that we are sorry. From a dumpers POV, it doesn't mean feelings have changed. They are just feeling bad. In your case, your ex didn't contact you with anything positive. If he had to send you some papers anyway, he obviously took the opportunity to have one last word .... which was to blame you, thereby justifying any of his wrongdoings. He might have felt particularly guilty if you've had to quit your job. As with any dumper, their contact is always for their benefit. If they were putting their ex's feelings first, they wouldn't make contact at all. I don't see this as any different. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Thank you, and I will not break NC, never wanted to and never will, don't feel the need either ... Just finding this weird since this letter doesn't make any sense, he is just looking for me to feel guilty to ease his guilt because he knows I have done nothing, and he wants me to contact him to get the power ... The lack of contact is making him crazy because he thought I would always be around because before he broke up I was begging and in tears and really emotional after the miscarriage too. He thought I would stick around searching for contact, and it's making him panick. Yesterday at 11PM he actually used the workingpapers as an excuse to text my mom to say he needed them ASAP (it isn't that urgent, and at 11PM, really ?) and if she or "I" could contact him about it ... Trying to contact again. I didn't and I won't ... I need NC to heal now. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Well he called me at 2AM yesterday on Skype even though he deleted me ... Akward. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Well that's just your opinion. You don't write a letter to someone you don't care about nore do you ask to drive them to the doctor, not in my world anyways. I am only answering as a guy.....and of course we do stuff like that and really don't care. Sorry but it is true. You are looking at the tea leaves and trying to find some kind of sign regarding his feelings and if there is a future. There is not. It is over. NC will not work to get him back. NC is for you to realize all the compromises you made in the relationship and your poor choices. This guy is still dumping on you and you continue to frame things in terms of winning and losing. The reason he gave you "walking papers" is that he wants you to walk out of his life. But then, if you let him, he will come around and be sweet just to mess with your head. His kindness to you is not about you, it is about him being selfish and toying with you. Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Just stick with it Lolita. It is time for you to dig as deep as you can for any strength you have. Once again, tell yourself whatever you need to to keep NC and stay strong. As time passes and you continue to process without contact with him, you will find clarity. Keep fighting, keep thinking, keep processing as you try to take care of youself and eventually, sooner than later it will all start to fall into place. I have analyzed my situation a million times over and reality has started to set in and although there are still things that dont make sense, the relevant things do. She is gone, the ball is in her court and I have to continue to gain strength and move forward. Dont play games. Unless the day comes where he is on your door step crying like a baby and begging for forgiveness, dont think twice about a possibility of a reconciliation. Other than that, its all sick and twisted games that will only leave you hurt. I am 7 weeks out from my break up now. I am actually starting to feel like if I continue NC, I will end up with the power in this situation. I know that she is expecting me to contact her any time now. She is banking on it. When I dont, she will really start to squirm and realize that I am holding the power. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 I will do the same, it's very encouraging what you're saying ... Question though, aren't you afraid she might move on if you stay in NC ? I mean if you ever want her back of course ? I was fine, that Skype call kinda upset me because I wasn't expecting it since he was the one deleting me off Skype in the first place. Checking if I'm still there I guess ... I'm staying in NC though, I feel I need way more time, it's only been 13 days of NC today. Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I will do the same, it's very encouraging what you're saying ... Question though, aren't you afraid she might move on if you stay in NC ? I mean if you ever want her back of course ? I was fine, that Skype call kinda upset me because I wasn't expecting it since he was the one deleting me off Skype in the first place. Checking if I'm still there I guess ... I'm staying in NC though, I feel I need way more time, it's only been 13 days of NC today. Yeah, few weeks ago my ex texted me randomly about our car insurance. I was not expecting it at all. One simple text really got me very very worked up. I just responded with "yup" and let it go. It is a great question that you just asked though. Am I afraid that she will move on of I remain in NC? No. Not anymore. NC is honestly the best tool we have. If I reach out to her right now, no matter how casual, friendly or heartfelt my contact is, it will be viewed as pathetic and desperate. So NC is the only chance I have of getting her to come to terms with what she has done whether I ever hear about her regret or not. If it goes the other way and she just goes farther and more distant because of the NC, as sad as it is, it was meant to be. She hurt me so bad that words can not define. My life is empty and has no purpose at all without her. I feel like I have no sole. But this is what I need to do. It is the right thing to do. I have just enough pride right now to stay on track and take it day by day. If she contacts me, I will avoid discussion and will treat her just as she is treating me. Cold and carelessly. Of course I pray that she comes to my door on her hands and knees crying and apologizing but in all reality, if that day ever comes, it wont be any time soon. She has control over that and I have control over NC. There is nothing I can do. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 I'm actually in the same situation as you are right now ... I'm just kinda scared that if I ignore that call on Skype he won't try anymore ... But I just can't go breaking NC and call him back or even send something ... Then I'll look desperate and needy, and he'll know I'm still around. One of the reasons he is even initiating contact is because I've vanished and have been in NC, I just think he is more scared of me not being around anymore then actually missing me ... If I would respond I would look like a fool, he could carry on his life knowing I'm still there and I would break all positive emprovement I've made. I'm starting to eat more and get the feeling of "I'm hungry" again, the one that dissapears when you are very stressed out ... I'm feeling kinda relieved since it's me who has the control now, he tried contacting me and I ignored, but I don't want him to stop trying either ... It's only too soon, and I need that apology ... Now he just keeps blaming me for the BU which is totally unfair. I do know how you feel, but it gets a little better everyday ... right ? Link to comment
JayCho Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 If someone truly loves you and wants to work on things, they will not give up so easily. Trust me, I know! Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 If someone truly loves you and wants to work on things, they will not give up so easily. Trust me, I know! Thanks JayCho .. That helps I'm kinda scared that he will forget me or his feelings will fade away with doing the NC ... He did try to reach out, he must have some feelings left, but it's scary still .... Link to comment
JayCho Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Not possible!!!! True love is something you NEVER forget! Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 Not possible!!!! True love is something you NEVER forget! You believe that even in time loves doesn't fade away just like that ? I mean I know he REALLY loved me, but in the end said he still loved me, but not the same way still he is trying to get in touch .. Well a rebound might make him forget me though I don't believe that's logical ... Link to comment
JayCho Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Not true love.... true love never ends. Infatuation ends. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 Not true love.... true love never ends. Infatuation ends. Even if in the end of the Relationship he was really hard and told me he didn't love me the same way ? I do know he really did love me and a lot ... Link to comment
JayCho Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Stop worrying about whether or not he loves you anymore or if he will contact you. I thought the same thoughts you did and after 9 months she contacted me.. sometimes it takes people to date others to realize that you're the best... sometimes it takes them to be alone... sometimes they never come back. We don't know... but even when I think back about women I truly loved I still love them... even if they are ex's and I have no desire to be with them again. Love never dies. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 I'm asking myself all kinds of question at this point .. I think it's normal at this stage of the break up, it's been 2 weeks of NC and I'm still overanalizing, I know ... Just don't want to fade away in his mind because I don't return his call on Skype or his letter or whatever ... I'm not ready for that, and his contact means he is missing me to call at 2 AM, so I'll see if he'll be back, I won't go on Skype for now ... Link to comment
JayCho Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 OK, ready for this? When I broke up with my ex 3 years ago and swore I would never give her another chance, she FOUGHT very hard 9 months later to show me things would be different. She mailed letters, showed up at my house in a chicken costume, took my family out to dinner, left notes on my windshield, I could go on.. but you get the point. When someone wants to reconcile no matter how much you ignore them they will FIGHT, the same way you would FIGHT if presented with an opportunity to try again right now. You ignoring him will not make his feelings wander, if his goal is to reconcile he will do everything and anything within his power to make sure you know he wants another chance. I'm speaking from experience... trust me. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 OK, ready for this? When I broke up with my ex 3 years ago and swore I would never give her another chance, she FOUGHT very hard 9 months later to show me things would be different. She mailed letters, showed up at my house in a chicken costume, took my family out to dinner, left notes on my windshield, I could go on.. but you get the point. When someone wants to reconcile no matter how much you ignore them they will FIGHT, the same way you would FIGHT if presented with an opportunity to try again right now. You ignoring him will not make his feelings wander, if his goal is to reconcile he will do everything and anything within his power to make sure you know he wants another chance. I'm speaking from experience... trust me. This makes me feel better at this point in my recovery, so thank you for that. Now I'm giving him time to realize what life really is without me, he wanted a taste, I give him the whole experience while curing myself of course ... You give me hope. If he really did love me he'll be back, but you were dumper and I am the dumpee, there is still this difference ... Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 No she dumped me then... You mean she dumped you once she got you back after you dumped her ? Link to comment
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