Letter from my ex after 10 days of NC

[JayCho]

No... she dumped me 3 years ago, and then begged me for another chance... she just dumped me 2 weeks ago.

[Lolitaaa]

"When I broke up with my ex 3 years ago and swore I would never give her another chance"

 

You wrote that so I got confused sorry ...So after breaking up with you the first time, did you go into NC also for her to come back ? And how much time did she take to come back ?

[JayCho]

No I didn't expect her to ever come back. I did go into NC... she NEVER stopped texting me, trying to talk to me, keeping in touch, etc. I NEVER responded once it was over it was over. My dad had a stroke the DAY she broke up with me 3 years ago and she was a ER nurse at the hospital he went to and she didn't even show an ounce of caring... so I promised myself I'd never talk to her again, never step foot in her house, NOTHING. This was March 2011. In October 2011 she started doing the things I mentioned out of no where. I never responded. I sent her a happy birthday text at the end of November and that's when I started talking to her again. I would literally leave bars if I saw her, make sure I went out of my way to NEVER run into her, etc. She was like a drug to me, and always will be. I know how I am and she is my first love and my last love and unfortunately I would do very dumb things to give her every chance to be with me. Knowing this I knew I had to stay far away and give her ZERO opportunities to come back. However, she tried VERY hard. One of the things she did was tattoo my name on her foot to prove to me that she was serious. It took me from November until March (4 months) of her trying RELENTLESSLY to give her another chance. I remember the first day I stepped foot in her house, it was July 2012 and I remember telling her that I promised myself I would never go back there.. it took a lot on my side to give her a shot again but she tried very hard.

 

Point is, when someone really wants something they will not just send a text.. they will move MOUNTAINS. I remember in February 2012 she asked me what she could do for another chance, and I told her to move mountains (joking around). She told me the next day that she asked everyone what that meant, googled it, tried to find a way to actually move a mountain (lol). When someone wants to be with you nothing will stop them!!!

[Lolitaaa]

That's actually very inspring and refreshing to read on here ...

 

I hope my ex will be able to realize things pretty soon too and that this hurt can stop and I can get off these meds ...

You give me courage to believe, because I don't give up on hope ...

 

Thank you0

[Destroyed 33]

That's actually very inspring and refreshing to read on here ...

 

I hope my ex will be able to realize things pretty soon too and that this hurt can stop and I can get off these meds ...

You give me courage to believe, because I don't give up on hope ...

 

Thank you0

 

Lolita, you need to start accepting reality a little more. seriously. You need to accept that he may actually not come back. From what I understand about your situation, it sounds like a coin toss at best. There is a good chance that he is actually completely done and that it is truly over.

 

And what if he did come back in a week on his hands and knees? Didnt you say he cheated on you? What would your response be if he begged you for another chance?

 

Trust me. I know how hard it is. My ex loved me for a very long time. She even appeared to love me right up until the very last day with no warning that we were about to break up. There was no sign of this coming at all.

 

My point is, I realize that she is like a rocket shooting away from me right now with no indication of slowing down or turning around. At this point, she is gone and I have to just accept that. I do fantisize about her changing her mind down the road whether it be in a few months or a year but I honestly dont know how I could consider taking her back as much as I still lover her and miss her and want her. She was everything to me but she destroyed EVERYTHING. There is no going back. It would have to be completely new. Would I really even want that? The past 16 years of my life have been flushed down the toilet. That relationship is officially 100% over.

 

I just want happiness and at this point, I dont think she is even capable of giving it to me. She has just done such extreme damage to my life. She killed a big part of me. The most important part of me. My heart. My passion.

 

Anyways, start looking at your situation more realistically. He may come back but there is a good chance he wont. Dont convince yourself that his contact to you is anything real until he is on his hands and knees crying and begging for forgiveness and even then, you need to really think about what to do. There is no going back to the way it was.

[JayCho]

The best advice I can give anyone here is that even when someone comes back you will always have an increased amount of doubt in the back of your mind. Whether they cheated (will he/she again?) or they left because they were unhappy (are they happy now?) or they just left because they left and provided no reason (will they again?) you will always question their actions and their motives UNTIL they prove 100% they are all in. Even after that you will still have doubts in the back of your mind. I was reconciled for 1.5 years and almost everyday I questioned whether she would just leave again out of nowhere and it probably RUINED our relationship. Why? Because I would CONSTANTLY leave before I gave her an opportunity to. Every time we fought I would just pickup and leave, I would abandon her. I had no idea how much damage I was doing every time I did this until I did it for the final time.

 

My point is that even when reconciliation is an option it's not like it appears in the movies. A part of you (and it could be a large part of you) will always have some doubt, and even some doubt is enough to break the strongest relationship. Just my .02.

[AutumnBorn]

Lolitaaa, he has a lot of growing up to do, it appears. Think of NC as the time and space he needs to grow as a man and human being. If you make contact with him, you impede his growth. You don't want that selfish, cheating boy back, do you? You want a man who's gained some wisdom and insight. His blaming you is a classless act (unless there are things we don't know, he's clearly out of his mind).

 

There's a book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships that I think may be helpful to you. It was my bible when I was going through my divorce - answered a lot of questions and gave me insight into the mind and motivation of the initiator.

 

He can't forget you. Impossible. In fact, the more time that passes, the better. Time softens memories, make them sweeter.

 

But you know you deserve better. That's what everyone here is reminding you of. Sometimes tough love sounds negative because your heart is still defending him on some level. Believe me…the things that seem hurtful hurt because they aren't what we want to hear. Read the words that hurt you with a loving tone, not a defensive ear.

[Tanzi]

I will do the same, it's very encouraging what you're saying ... Question though, aren't you afraid she might move on if you stay in NC ? I mean if you ever want her back of course ?

 

If someone moves on that quickly then it was never true love in the first place and even if you hung around in the background of their life, the result would be the same.

 

He did try to reach out, he must have some feelings left, but it's scary still ....

 

Thing is, it is very typical for ex's (as the dumpers) to reach out. In fact, I would go as far as saying it is classic dumper behaviour. You only have to read the countless threads on here regarding ex's making contact to see that …. but rarely does it lead to reconciliation. What is more likely to lead to reconciliation, however, is proper time apart where, instead of being at your ex's beck and call thus helping them through this transition phase of their lives, you are allowing them to feel a real sense of loss.

 

Remember, also, that most of the advice being given to you is from our own experiences. It isn't made up because it sounds good or because of what we think is happening, it is because we understand what is most likely happening.

 

Yes, he might well have some residue feelings but they aren't necessarily what you hope they are. Even though someone might decide they no longer want to be in a relationship with you, they can still miss your companionship or miss doing all the things they once did with you. It can take time getting used to NOT being with someone, even if they ultimately know THAT is what they want.

 

Another classic dumper trait is their reaction to the realisation that their ex, who once pleaded for them to come back, has suddenly gone quiet. It can send them into a bit of a panic. Any whiff that you are finally moving on can get an ex sniffing around again but only because they want to take control of the situation back again. They want to know that you are still floating around in the background of their lives whilst they still choose to move on.

 

None of these things means they want to be back in a relationship with you. It just means they miss having you there as something comfortable, secure and familiar.

 

Admittedly, it is a confusing time for the "dumpee" who has been left analysing all this contact. It breeds hope and we cling to that hope as though it were our only lifeline, mostly because it eases the pain.

 

However, what we (as the dumpees) have to remember is that, despite any contact, they are STILL choosing to be apart from us (and even in another relationship sometimes) so unless they specifically tell us otherwise, we have to accept that their choice NOT to be in a relationship with us remains the same. All other contact is irrelevant at this stage.

[Tanzi]

Point is, when someone really wants something they will not just send a text.. they will move MOUNTAINS. I remember in February 2012 she asked me what she could do for another chance, and I told her to move mountains (joking around). She told me the next day that she asked everyone what that meant, googled it, tried to find a way to actually move a mountain (lol). When someone wants to be with you nothing will stop them!!!

 

This!^^ DEFINITELY this!^^