Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

I don't know whether writing makes me feel worse or makes me feel better. I don't know whether I'm even compelled to do it much anymore. Sometimes I feel like general running inner commentary inside my head has taken up the place of needing to pound the keys but I just don't know. I feel like I am in a big old don't know.

I do have time, of course I do. Anyone does. If Elon Musk can find time to work out and get a massage then I have no excuse to not do some yoga or take a walk for myself or get down to some serious writing or something but it's all a pleasant lie of an excuse I can tell myself for not doing anything, which is very out of character for me, since probably my second daughter was born. 

The stupid thing is, maybe writing would've really helped me during that very strange, very sad time. And it's horrible to admit, because I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone out in the open, even strangers or the echo of the internet or nothing - because I just didn't want to admit that not only myself was struggling with bonding with our second, but my husband was too. And I wouldn't even dare to write what I truly would have wanted too then, and I don't even know whether I would ever have wanted to read it back even. Considering now, the beautiful little dot she is, all big blue eyes and blonde wild curls and spunky character that I even had one thought that I regretted even getting pregnant again.

And here we are, third time round, completely planned and wanted again, another bun in the oven. 

Don't get me wrong, I am scared sometimes, and sometimes I think, what the hell are you doing, so close together, and with everything and all the unsure circumstances and, blah blah blah, it's like verbal splurge I can't even get it out. 

I always presumed, because for so long, we lived this comfortable lifestyle and money was always there somehow and I stupidly presumed, probably in the naive way a pampered 20 something can, that that was just that and well, it would only ever go up! Never could reduce, right?! Nothing would ever get worse, things can only get better, up and up and up until you decide right, that's enough literal high life, I will say, all satisfied and chirpy, let us stop the boat here, pull up anchor and call this THE LIFE NOW.

I think it hit me probably 6 months into the stupid pandemic when D started saying for the first time ever to reduce my spending. No problem, cash flow problems aren't an insane occurrence but they always did right themselves and God had I gone on a spending frenzy... I think using lockdown as some kind of shopaholics dream excuse of, need a treat, bored, more time in the house, notice more things need doing etc. Y'know, all that stupid teenage sounding bull*** that I should've grown out of a decade ago. Forgetting I have been financially carried all my life and only played at the part time job or the college job and yes, worked a few jobs at once but never with any real responsibility for my actions. I still lived at home. All that jazz. 

And then it gets like, we might need to sell the car. And, we have a huge vat and tax bill and I don't know how I'm going to pay it and for the first time ever in 16 years of business I see the outskirts of my husband showing hints of, stress? And sales did dip. And I never usually asked, ever, in 16 years about any of it, but I started asking, and the more asking the more I knew and the less I really wanted to know.

Long story short, things are not bad but we just have to be careful and not live with such wild abandon anymore and, maybe for the first time in my life, I have had to resemble a real adult. It was horrible. God, please, never go there. HA. 

I joke away like I always do but things have been tough on and off.  

Me and D are still so madly in love. I can't believe someone can live with me for 14 years, be married with me for 7, have 3 kids in just over 3 years and STILL adore me and want to be with me more than ever. I know it's corny, I know everyone says it, but seriously, I don't deserve him.

I'm 31. I started writing here when I was, I don't know, 23? I'm not even sure. Full of self pity and ridiculous none problems and part of me fills to the brim with depression after speed reading through a few older posts and I just sink at the thought - I haven't changed. Or have I? Have I just replaced my roller coasted mood and teenage wild unrealistic optimism with more roller coaster mood but now jaded sometimes depressed pessimistic welcome to the real world 30 something? I don't know which one I'd rather. As embarrassing as it makes me feel, reading some of this stuff back... even reading the last post back, GOD, maybe I would rather be her, 23... but no, that's so not true. Because my kids. Oh my God, I know every parent says this, but you haven't met my kids. They are really something. And being a full time mum to them and playing house and making a home and getting to focus on my marriage and go worry about buying flowers everyweek and things, I can tell you, what an honour. What an absolute dream. The happiest times I've ever had has been with us all, as a family, or in the middle of the night, nursing them, singing them a lullaby while their little, angelic faces are flecked with illuminated stars. The best. The best, the best, the best. 

But God, I am only just realising what a slave to my mood I am.

Telling this to someone, they would probably say, see a therapist, get some medication. Sort it out. But I can't help it, I cannot help but be completely convinced in some perverse and self tortured way that this dip and trough and high and low is just me, and without it, I wouldn't even be me. 

It's like, everyone is wanting to always be improving, striving to almost get away from themselves. They. don't really want to embrace their crazy, their eccentricities. They want perfect, beautiful... like, plastic surgery for the soul or something. I get the appeal, oh God do I ever. What, to be completely in control, life and emotions and physically and just on top in every way? Sounds out of this world. Sounds inhuman. Sounds... too good to be true.

Who can be perfect anyway? And who wants to be?!

I'm alright looking, y'know. I've had a ride on the coat tails of using your physicality in my youth. Been there, done that. Now I'm like, bloated Elvis. Y'know? He was still Elvis. He still LOOKED like Elvis. But he wasn't fully, the Elvis we had known. He wasn't slick Elvis.

Oh my Lord, look, I'm not good looking like Elvis was good looking, like, the most handsome man who ever lived. But, I'm a mum, 3 pregnancies, put on a few pounds. From being this slinky thing who floated around in outfits that were all about showing it off in the most elegant way, can we just add, I am now, pregnant, leggings, t-shirt. Still lipstick and nail varnish and a dash of glamour everyday but, I'm definitely resigned in some way. I don't want to be. Part of me rallies against this, but y'know, it's hard to wear cashmere when you have a toddler who has put their clammy, milk stained hands up onto you to be held and cuddled with such delight but to peel them off and you go... oh woah, destroyed again. Another one bites the dust. It's a different matter wearing 5 inch heels around town or the office but when you have to push a double buggy and carry round a 20 week bump, lets just say, it's trainers, or flats, nearly everyday. Bleak for the old me. But just used to it now.

Fat Elvis stage. It's not great, it's not bad. I've had some really low moments. Once, I did think, I would have ended it if I didn't have kids. Maybe that was the drama in me just wanted to be like some Gone With The Wind whatever the hell but the fact is, I thought it, and worse of all, I actually said it out loud to D and I don't know whether I'll ever forgive myself.

I kept thinking, sometimes, is this just me? Or does everyone think these things? Or is everyone actually perfect, and I'm the one who needs the talks and the work and the sessions and the tweaking and the botox. I would never, by the way, but it still doesn't stop me asking the question - am I wrong?

Lo x

[mylolita]

Off the back of a big massive knees up of a kill joy I just felt compelled to add:

Why do I always end up hating everyone? Even people who seem so very nice and normal and haven't really, technically, done anything too me but just disagree, not like me, not approve or something. Why?

It's getting to a stage where for the first time in my life, I am so jaded by it, that all will to make my usual bold efforts with people, for always being the event organiser, always being the hostess, always being the one who introduces, forms the friendship groups, plays chess with everyone here there we meet you there near and everywhere, now I just can't face it and I think, I don't even want to get to know that new person anymore.

The old me would see any stranger, and I would have this over spill of curiosity. I just want to know their inner thoughts. I am almost dementedly nosey. For someone who is really an introvert but everyone thinks is a big 'ol extrovert, I am really into people. I want to know - what makes you tick? Because, I don't even know what makes ME tick. And that is some fascinating stuff right there to me. And the fool inside me thinks, THIS MIGHT BE THE ONE! This might be that one person who I have that cosmic friend connection with and we change each others life and meet up for drives and laugh and cry until the sunrise and all of that and I don't even know why I do it but I'm gutted that a year into that pipe dream, I discover, I couldn't be more wrong and not only that but girl, they don't even want anything to do with ya anymore so GET OVER IT!

Maybe I am just one of these people who are "too much" but, honestly, I really don't think that is the reason. I don't know.

I have always been head strong and self assured and no one could tell me anything but lately it's like the more I think and the more I get to know about life the less sure I am about things I always thought I was so sure about. And, I don't like that. Because it makes me feel not in control. I already have enough things out of my control to start with, and to add new things to the mix, well, I don't approve. 

I always feel like anyone who has met me in the last year, I feel like I should come with a pre-curser or something that says... "I'm sorry but, you have met me at a really strange time in my life". I'm sure something similar is in a movie or something. That is not original material. HA! But, from wherever that has been plucked, that's my y'know, my little sale tag or whatever. My little ID card. The runner underneath the title. The warm up act to the main show or, whatever.

God I am such a gob s***e. Honestly, that is all I do after 10pm, just talk utter rubbish all night long until D puts me to bed. I imagine it's how alcoholics feel or something. They know it's wrong, they know it does them no good and they know it is a vicious cycle but I just can't help myself. The verbal blurble starts and I can't stop and part of me doesn't even want too and I just see how far I can go on and on. 

Wow, like, get some positivity. I know. This is the ridiculous thing. I am so positive and so grateful and so floating in the clouds about most of my life but I never want to write or think about any of that and I waste my time and energy licking my wounds over the few negative things in my life that no one cares about and everyone is done with, including me, but y'know, I just can't help myself.

Old habits die hard.

Lo x

[mylolita]

D is away on business, seven nights seven days.

I think 3 days in it's just dawning on me that I feel lonely.

I'll be skipping around like a new born fawn soon running bubble baths and putting puppets on my fingers and singing badly sung nursery rhymes to my kids like a coked up children TV presenter in an hour and all will be well.

Just gotta hold out another hour into the future or something or other.

Lo x

[mylolita]

Maybe I am going through a mid life crisis and my past annoying behaviour was a quarter life crisis and I am having an early mid life crisis whilst not being technically middle aged and by 40 I can say I am having my fully fledged mid life crisis and then by 50 I can just write it off to getting old and cranky and if I get to 90 which hopefully I will out of sheer stubbornness I will have zero f***s to give in all completion and I will know the true meaning of life and will be... actually old... and wondering why I spent the whole of my life thinking I was old when I wasn't. 

Meta.

Lo x

[mylolita]

I think I just need coffee.

Lo x

(Real answer to everything. You're welcome).

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

The stupid thing is, maybe writing would've really helped me during that very strange, very sad time

Don't feel bad.  I seriously took almost a 10 year break from writing anything here.  It is a really hard time period when our kids are this young.  I feel like I know exactly where you are, even though I'm sure you have different things you're dealing with, too.  

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

D is away on business, seven nights seven days.

I think 3 days in it's just dawning on me that I feel lonely.

That is so hard!  You really are in this timeframe that is just really unfortunate, where you have the kids, the pregnancies, and your husband is working SO hard... I'm kind of on the end of that, it's almost over for me and I can clearly see the end in sight now.  

But I remember standing in the kitchen with my husband, us both holding each other in dismay, after like 11 diarrhea poopy diapers in a short amount of time, from MULTIPLE kids at that, and we were just like "AHHHHHHHhhhhhh!  Only 7 more years of this!!!!!!!"

It goes by extremely fast.  Yet the days themselves can feel way too long.

But it DOES get better.  I've seen proof of it, and I've had so many moms with older kids assure me it does once that youngest is about 4 and potty trained.  You won't believe how nice it's supposed to get (barring illness or special needs things of course!).

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Maybe I am going through a mid life crisis and my past annoying behaviour was a quarter life crisis

😂 It is kind of like a life crisis when your kids are little and you're pregnant off and on, and your husband is working so much.  It VERY MUCH feels like a kind of crisis.  And that's totally ok.  It's ok to feel nutty or lonely or like this is never-ending or too much etc.

Just try to bond with your husband when you can, hopefully the business trips aren't too often, or hopefully he can do something that will eventually give him a better schedule. 

I'm not sure how long you've been married, but it gets dramatically easier after a certain point.  You just have to make sure you both communicate about needs and feelings... don't let any resentment sink in, try to deal with it and process those things with each other in a gentle way.  Have lots of sex LOL  Seriously... sex is always a good idea!  And try to make time for yourself!

[Jibralta]

Fat, slim, young, or old, I always thought Elvis was kind of funny looking. He was almost pretty. And am I the only one that thinks he married a woman who looked just like him??

ETA: Oh, god, that probably doesn't make you feel better lol! 

I have to agree with maritalbliss though: How could being pregnant on and off and raising a family not result in an identity crisis? It has to be challenging on every single level.

[maritalbliss86]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I must apologise for being so so rude and not replying but still having read your comment.

Not rude at all!  I knew you were probably insanely busy and I didn't mind.  Just wanted to say something about it.

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

What brains it is obvious that you have there! Nice brains hahahahaha no honestly, I am bowing down to your reply.

😂 Oh Believe me, I am not that smart!  I have a lot more questions than answers, on a lot of things  I almost believed everything at first because a very prominent scientist I respected gave a very convincing and strange prediction of how things would go.  He ended up being wrong, like drastically wrong on his prediction, but even before that, there was so much I couldn't believe with how it was being handled here (where I live).  The CDC made a lot of very very bad decisions, tricked our city into accepting hundreds of viral positive people under the guise of using a prominent military hospital to care for them (that had more than enough room).  They then refused to abide by where they agreed to send them, instead sending them to a place extremely run down base, water was dripping into the people's rooms, and they were stuck there for weeks, in mildew and moldly conditions.  Then, to make matters worse, because the place they sent them to (unauthorized!!) didn't have the medical care necessary for that many people, they then released them (still positive) to all of our different hospitals, infecting that many more innocent people. 

I had to give birth, knowing there were positive people in the same hospital.  

It was such a scandal, so obviously intentional or horrendously reckless, our city was forced to sue the CDC (the suit included other things as well... like they were secretly planning to release the positive patients - 100's of them - inside one of our most popular malls... without warning anyone about it, and gave them all gift cards to eat at the Cheesecake factory there).  It really did look absolutely intentional.  They wanted as many people to get it as possible.

All of this was in the news finally in our city once it was released they were officially suing them.  But finally with the suit, they were forced to release the people directly onto planes leaving.  

The damage was still done here, though.  So many in the hospitals were infected, doctors, nurses, patients (through interacting with the nurses and doctors) it was a horrible mess and caused a lot of death of the elderly or infirm.  Just like the nursing home scandals in other places, only this was all our regular hospitals.  You can imagine the explosion of everyone getting it, the numbers skyrocketing, then the fear and the use of that to lock us down.  It seemed so deliberate, especially when it was leaked of their plans to release them into our most popular mall.  

Thank God our city forced them to back down, but still, so much suffering, loss of lives of the elderly and sick, small businesses, so many, forced to close permanently 😞 ugh!  It was very effective in damaging us and wiping out many aspects of society (the elderly, the poor, the economy, the small business owners' losing so much, etc.).  Then the riots started and many of the small business owners who had tried to keep going, lost almost everything over again in the riot destruction.  

Bleh!  I'm sick of it.  We've been planning an exit and just trying to figure out where, possibly out of the country at some point.

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Full of self pity and ridiculous none problems and part of me fills to the brim with depression after speed reading through a few older posts and I just sink at the thought - I haven't changed.

😂 Oh I completely feel the same way!!!!  I annoy my own self!!!!!!  A lot!!!!  And I really wonder if I've actually learned anything.  It is so horrible.  Most of my journal is just whining constantly about my poor husband's parents, who I actually do like (most of the time).  But it is full of self-pity and useless stuff.  Ugh so awful.  If I had to give myself a grade or something, it'd be a solid F !!!

But it's nice to have somewhere to complain and whine LOL.  

And I've researched into Elon Musk... apparently he used to be an alien 👽.  So of COURSE he finds time for everything and being a genius at the same time. Ugh!

[dias]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Dias! Ya swashbuckler! Hello!

Some days good, some days bad! Maybe that's us all! I don't know anymore! 

How's everything your side of the globe?

Lo x

Me swashbuckler? You are making me blush my dear 

Yeah, life is always like this....ebbs and flows. I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. Not not worry, nothing lasts forever, ups or downs. Life is like swinging; ups and downs, ups and downs, almost never stagnant. Just remember, after the rain there is a rainbow 🙂

 

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

And then it gets like, we might need to sell the car. And, we have a huge vat and tax bill and I don't know how I'm going to pay it and for the first time ever in 16 years of business I see the outskirts of my husband showing hints of, stress? And sales did dip. And I never usually asked, ever, in 16 years about any of it, but I started asking, and the more asking the more I knew and the less I really wanted to know.

Long story short, things are not bad but we just have to be careful and not live with such wild abandon anymore and, maybe for the first time in my life, I have had to resemble a real adult. It was horrible. God, please, never go there. HA. 
 

Running a successful business is difficult and your husband managed to do it very well, a temporary dip in sales due to covid won't change something in the long term, as we are returning back to normality sales will start picking up.

The important thing is that you have a great family, this is the greatest privilege in life. Don't get me wrong I love money too and it's important but money and inanimate objects come and go in life. What matters is to have a great journey during your time on this earth. And a great journey has downs too! Have you ever read a good story without ordeals? No, because it would have been the most boring tale ever! Sure you are missing indulgence a bit but it's a good opportunity to learn to enjoy other things in life as well 🙂 You like writing, write an e-book, it will give you great satisfaction (and maybe make some sales too 😊) 

 

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Who can be perfect anyway? And who wants to be?!

Me me!!! but I can't 😂

 

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

I'm alright looking, y'know. I've had a ride on the coat tails of using your physicality in my youth. Been there, done that. Now I'm like, bloated Elvis. 
But, I'm a mum, 3 pregnancies, put on a few pounds. 

Meh, big deal. A few pounds don't matter, especially if you put them in the right places😎

 

 

 

 

 

[dias]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

I think I just need coffee.

Lo x

(Real answer to everything. You're welcome).

Nothing like a good coffee!

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

😂 It is kind of like a life crisis when your kids are little and you're pregnant off and on, and your husband is working so much.  It VERY MUCH feels like a kind of crisis.  And that's totally ok.  It's ok to feel nutty or lonely or like this is never-ending or too much etc.

Just try to bond with your husband when you can, hopefully the business trips aren't too often, or hopefully he can do something that will eventually give him a better schedule. 

I'm not sure how long you've been married, but it gets dramatically easier after a certain point.  You just have to make sure you both communicate about needs and feelings... don't let any resentment sink in, try to deal with it and process those things with each other in a gentle way.  Have lots of sex LOL  Seriously... sex is always a good idea!  And try to make time for yourself!

Maritalbliss!

What a quick reply! All these responses is I think just what I needed this afternoon in rarely sunny old England! 

You have given such great advice, I can already tell this is coming from experience and not a youtube guru or a book you once read. I am not normally a believer that to give advice on a topic, you need lived or first hand experience, but there just is something about growing, raising and loving a baby into a toddler and then I don't have a clue about the next bits but, it almost needs a witness because I know myself, pre-kids, wow, I would like to call myself fairly realistic, quite street wise and not absolutely stupid but I honestly had no idea. HA! How funny is that. In some instances my thoughts on what it would be like to have a young family were waaaay over panicked and over exaggerated, and on other parts, I missed the mark, big time! I obviously didn't have a clue what I was going to encounter!

And as a mum of a 3 year old boy, an 18 month year old girl and a 20 week bump (HA!), I still feel like in the parenting game I am practically fresh off the line! And it feels like forever and no time at all, all at once. YES! You couldn't be more right! 

As for our marriage - we have lived together for 14 years, been married for 7 of them. I am 31, he is 40 next month, there is a bit of an age gap but we never realise it. Either I am just oh so wise or he is really immature hahahahaaaaaa sorry darling! No, but not to be corny, it's not that we don't bicker or fight but honestly bliss, our relationship is the one thing that has never really faltered. I can honestly say, queue the sick bucket, that he is my soul mate. And, I don't believe in a soul, this is, metaphorically speaking. He is me in male form sometimes, but we have our own thoughts and our own passions and weirdly, after what seems like such along time and familiarity with each other, there is always an element of mystery there. He never fails to surprise me. In the way he handles things, hurdles he overcomes, the little and the big things he does for me, even just a few words he can say unexpectedly to me, things like that still make me stop and knock me off my feet after all this time. We talk constantly, don't hide things that trouble us from each other. I can be very hot headed, moody, all over the place, if I haven't mentioned that before 😉 he knows this of course and his patience as a very even keel steady quietly confident type has been the perfect ying to my yang! 

And I know, a lot of people I guess will put sex right down the end of a list, but I know, what you say is so right, even in the short time we have been parents, it is so important to go on a date night, even have 10 minutes out of your day to call each other or chat on an evening or just not have the tv on and have a laugh about whatever to each other and yes! Sex! Even if you feel tired and this and that, you just have to make it a priority. I used to think the same as most people before I got into a relationship that, it just naturally burns out and runs it course and thats that and there is nothing anyone can do about it but again, just not true and you are accepting defeat!

Work wise he is his own boss and has had his own company for over 16 years now. He stopped working away when I became pregnant for the third time I think out of unspoken sympathy for me because I was just having such a tough time with morning sickness but he's gone for a week now which is very unusual. It's normally two nights once a month, very reasonable.

I would definitely read your agony aunt column and yes, I'd be writing in! HA!

About covid - God, this bloody flu virus. I'm sorry about your experience at the hospital, that must be rough. But I so appreciate those insights you give me, I really would never tire hearing about them, from your scientific perspective. Part of me is very sick of hearing "paid experts" on tv talk about this on "unbiased news channels" and as someone who likes their information straight and correct this is borderline dictatorship in some ways for me so you are like a breath of fresh air!

Am I right in thinking you have 4 bambinos? How old are they now can I ask?

Best,
Lo x

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Fat, slim, young, or old, I always thought Elvis was kind of funny looking. He was almost pretty. And am I the only one that thinks he married a woman who looked just like him??

ETA: Oh, god, that probably doesn't make you feel better lol! 

I have to agree with maritalbliss though: How could being pregnant on and off and raising a family not result in an identity crisis? It has to be challenging on every single level.

Jibralta!

I know exactly what you mean. Powdery lookin! I know. And definitely not the kind of face I would usually find attractive but to me he was undoubtedly gorgeous in a very unique way. No one really looks like Elvis. Unless yes, you are Priscilla. LOL!!!!!!!!! You are so right. What a strange man as well. I don't know whether he was naughty, to be pitied, a genius, mentally not right... God knows what, the more I read or whatever I just don't know what to think but I am eternally fascinated by him and he is a fellow night owl like myself so 😉

And I was laughing, yes, not filling me with confidence HA but I wouldn't mind looking like Elvis even in the bloated 70s jumpsuit so I take it! HA!

I don't even know if it's an identity crisis Jib, I'm just not sure, more of a case of, an already moody all over the place b***h made into a now pregnant on off hormonal moody all over the place b***h!!! What's not to love?!?!?!

Lo x

PS - strangely, raising them up to now in a lot of ways has been so... easy! I hate to say it! I see so many mums struggling with things I just don't struggle with. My battle is with myself, never my kids or my husband or anything else. Own worse enemy and all of that.

 

[Jibralta]

5 minutes ago, mylolita said:

My battle is with myself, never my kids or my husband or anything else. Own worse enemy and all of that.

No, I see that. 

Maybe "identity crisis" is the wrong term. I don't know what the right term is. But all of your questioning and examination is obviously directed towards yourself. I think we all do this at various times in our lives. It's not always pleasant.

Also, interacting with children is always thought-provoking, whether we like it or not. They see the world with new eyes, and it often causes us to question our own perceptions.

And hormones don't help, of course. 

I hope all is well with you.

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

but there just is something about growing, raising and loving a baby into a toddler and then I don't have a clue about the next bits but, it almost needs a witness

I get almost all my advice from older women who are friends (I call them mentors, they really seem to guide me through life), I've had several, one moved away *tear* but the one I have now I've known for years and years and she always gives me the best advice.

And she's lived it all, so she can see it from the other side and I think you need that perspective.  It's very trustworthy advice, when you can see someone succeeded at what you want, and they can help you be able to get there.

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I would like to call myself fairly realistic, quite street wise and not absolutely stupid but I honestly had no idea.

Yes!  I was the same way.  I'd never been around babies or toddlers before having my own, so it was hard in that way, but I also didn't struggle with the same problems most moms seem to have for some reason.  

They seem to have a lot of discontentment?  From what I've observed.  Just general discontentment... with their life, with their kids (some even hate their own kids!!!), with their husbands, and all they do is complain complain complain.   

I'm not like that about my life.  I do complain (here) about my poor in-laws, but I love my kids and being their mom, I love my husband and we've never lost that spark in almost 14 years.

How crazy we've both been with our husbands that long 😮  That's kinda weird LOL

We got married super young, mostly religiously driven (can't have sex outside of marriage, so we married ASAP LOL).  I'm probably too religious for you   I come from a very religious, yet carefree and eccentric background.  I definitely believe in a soul ❤️ there's just so much scientific evidence to prove very odd spiritual things for me not to believe. 🙂

[maritalbliss86]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Either I am just oh so wise or he is really immature hahahahaaaaaa sorry darling!

Ugh!!! We are the same way!!!  I think I'm the immature one, though, he is a lot more level-headed, and a strong, kind-of silent type lol.  He's an introvert, but he loves to talk and socialize.

I wish I could explain more of the science stuff to you, I just don't feel like I know enough personally about this specific virus (because I haven't gotten to literally study and research it myself in a lab).  And the research is very limited to what is allowed to be said.  I know what I've read, I know what the studies have shown (they did one ridiculous study so fast just to try to, "prove," something that it doesn't and should not count, but ignorant people rely on it).  That kind of thing, I just don't know how much is appropriate to say... or I don't know what exactly to say.

I worked with an amazing man (lots of sweet, amazing people), and he is up at MIT and very great at what he does... his lab has found cures for specific things, been in the news several times, anyway... he's brilliant.  And he made a statement about this virus early on, but got into a lot of trouble for it.  The honest people are not really allowed to voice their opinions, without severe repercussions.  And I'm so sorry for saying this, but a lot of people are just not knowledgeable at all, so they're believing stuff that is proving not to be true.  Our liberties are being taken away for something it shouldn't be.  This is not comparable to the Black Plague in any way imaginable, it just isn't, but there is a huge push to make non-scientific people believe it is.  I've never seen anything like this, and I worked in a lab like the Wu-han one... there are only so many of those in the world, so they all know about each other.  There is a lot I probably can't say about that connection, but most people in the science field quietly believe certain things that are not, "accepted," as true by people who have no idea what they're even talking about.  I'm sorry to sound so odd and vague.

 

There's other stuff going on economically that is concerning, too.  Ugh... it is depressing and not a fun topic.

Edited to add... this is also playing into humanity's worst characteristic... Virtue Signaling.  The whole, "I'm better because I'm saving the world by wearing my stupid (proven to be useless) mask! Take that!"  There is a certain kind of person who absolutely gets off on that high-horse, virtue signaling feeling.  They loooovvve looking down on their relatives they think are so, "ignorant."  Or they worry about them sincerely (those are nice people LOL).  But the ones who are arrogant, they absolutely are loving this mask thing.  It is an outward display that they are virtuous a-holes.

[maritalbliss86]

Something else that seems important.  I think people should pay attention to B. Gates.  He is doing so much right now that is in the background, but I think very important not to ignore.

He's been trying to block out the sun for years... since before at least 2012.  Without getting anyone's permission... most countries are completely against this, most scientists are against this, but he's just plunging on and it will affect a lot of things very negatively.  People have only just begun to even notice this (who aren't in the science and research world I think).  But it isn't a new thing... he's been pushing for this for quite awhile.

But that's just one tiny thing he's doing, he's doing a lot more.  It'd be good to research into India's farming and crops, he's done a lot of damage to their economy and biopirated their crop genetics and (I believe, could be wrong) is forcing farmers to go to only 4 genetic variations of crops.  It's something like that, something very small.  Genetically, we know this is very dangerous for the food supply, when crops are wiped out due to plant viruses, you want to have genetically diverse kinds, not just relying on only 4 crops that are legally, "allowed," and strictly controlled. 

What he's doing is a lot more complicated than that, but you don't hear about ANY of this when everyone's interviewing him.  They only ask him about thoughts on the conspiracy theories of the vaccines, how to avoid another pandemic, the climate change stuff... they always always avoid his topic of working to block out the sun's rays, or his biopirating of India's crop genetics.  So that is also worth looking into, because I think it's tied in with the pandemic of course.  Controlling 80% of the world's food supply is not a good thing... I think there's a substantial risk of worldwide famine, and that its' setting up for that kind of disaster.  But what do I know? 

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Virtue Signaling

Ah! A new phrase. Excellent. I have been thinking this thought without having a simple way to express it. This needs to go in the dictionary stat. It needs to be taught in schools. It is the behavioral equivalent of weasel words. Weasel behavior.

9 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I'm sorry to sound so odd and vague.

How can you not, though? The situation is odd and vague, so its description must be as well. I stubbornly cling to the 180s that 'experts' have turned since the beginning. I can't not do this; it's my nature to pick apart that which is inconsistent. The fact that people accept the contradictions with complacently, and defend them with angry righteousness, makes me pick at them even more. I can't help it. I annoy myself and others, being the way that I am. But it's my nature. 

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, dias said:

 

Running a successful business is difficult and your husband managed to do it very well, a temporary dip in sales due to covid won't change something in the long term, as we are returning back to normality sales will start picking up.

The important thing is that you have a great family, this is the greatest privilege in life. Don't get me wrong I love money too and it's important but money and inanimate objects come and go in life. What matters is to have a great journey during your time on this earth. And a great journey has downs too! Have you ever read a good story without ordeals? No, because it would have been the most boring tale ever! Sure you are missing indulgence a bit but it's a good opportunity to learn to enjoy other things in life as well 🙂 You like writing, write an e-book, it will give you great satisfaction (and maybe make some sales too 😊) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dias!

Thank you for the lovely advice. So true, so helpful, so sweet. You are all so forgiving and very sweet!

Maybe we all strive for this perfection and we forget that life isn't going to be like that for the majority of people. Is it for anyone?! There are different shades of easy and hard and traumatic and blissful and sometimes we are lucky to never have to suffer anything too horrific and we can coast through our lives on mostly, compared to some, easy street. 

Maybe as a westerner I am just so used to the culture of feeling sorry for myself and having too much luxurious time on my hands. This is the problem. I am sure if I were struggling to feed my family and my husband had died I would have bigger fish to fry than if I feel moody or in discontent that day. Sometimes I need to give myself a shake!

But thank you all the same, you're so right. Ebbs and flows!

And I am so proud and in admiration of what my husband does and who he is, with or without a business venture or not. He is eternally positive, business wise, and also towards life in general. I just came off a phone call to him and he always has a few next moves which I guess is why I blindly trust him and I never ever ask questions or try to interfere in any way. I know nothing! His main line to me was, don't worry, you never have to worry. Corny as it sounds when he says it he means it. He tells me how proud he is of me and the job I do with the kids and some other things that, I won't put in black and white here... HA!

It's such a huge compliment you would think I could even sell one copy of an e-book. GOD! What on earth would I even write?! Have you ever thought about writing a book? Mine would have to be a novella,  I don't think anyone could stomach anything longer than that. Where do people even start? I would have no clue how to write from a characters perspective, I seem only to feel confident gabbing on about my opinions and how I feel and yada yada. I am probably self consumed and conceited. I have been told over the years by different people that I am arrogant. It really is something for someone to say that to you. I think arrogance is a tasteless and unwanted characteristic and trust me, it is no compliment. I always brushed it off as them "not getting me" but over the years I can't but ask myself from time to time, I really hope that is not true, or, is it true? I don't have anything to be arrogant over! I know shy people can falsely read as arrogance but I am definitely not shy so it can't be that. Oh well!

I'm off on a tangent. Anyway Dias, so lovely to hear from you and I'm sure I will come out of my wallowing real soon and be back perky again for a day or two and then I'll be back to my old artiste suffering because I must love it!!!! 

Your meme is perfect as well. Coffee is definitely one of my drugs of choice. I don't have many! All legal, very boring. HAHAHAHA!

Lo x

[mylolita]

14 hours ago, Jibralta said:

No, I see that. 

Maybe "identity crisis" is the wrong term. I don't know what the right term is. But all of your questioning and examination is obviously directed towards yourself. I think we all do this at various times in our lives. It's not always pleasant.

Also, interacting with children is always thought-provoking, whether we like it or not. They see the world with new eyes, and it often causes us to question our own perceptions.

And hormones don't help, of course. 

I hope all is well with you.

Hey Jibralta!

I always love your user name! I love typing it out! It feels luxurious and pretty and exotic!

No, you are probably more right than you know. I have never fit in anywhere. I know that is a big massive phoney cliche everyone says but I can't describe it any other way. Through every season and group in life I have always been the "odd one out" and in the end I am kind of singled out but, I tap out long before this eventually happens now! I have no problem at all making friends, I love walking into a room completely unknown and just discovering who is there, talking to them, getting to know them. I want to hear something from someone I have never heard before. Really, I want someone to challenge me in some kind of way. I want to be slapped verbally or mentally in the face by someone. It doesn't mean they have to be an outrageous extrovert. I have been moved by the shyest and sweetest creatures before. Being shy is nice, I never know why people see it as something to be fixed.

You seem like a complete people person even though you also seem like you love your own time and space and enjoy quality moments with just yourself and your partner. Are you a bit of a juxtaposition too?

And my husband is always telling me this, especially when he wants to calm me down after the kids have gone to bed. He says, "Lo, you get up and down, but you're pregnant which does that to a normal woman anyway, it's just because you're pregnant. Just relax." Relax seems to be a word used lots after 10pm. HA! 

I think sometimes I forget I'm pregnant and I think because I'm quite a high energy kinda gal that I need to carry that through no matter what and go on any old impulse like normal to start doing things at all kinds of strange hours and really I need to take a break and cut myself some slack. I find it so hard to accept help and I am always determined to do it all myself and more and really I must admit, after all is said and done, I do end up burning myself out in some way or another. It's never physically, it's more mentally. My mood suffers for my constant pushing of myself.

Your advice and feedback is always appreciated; always!

Lo x

[mylolita]

11 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Something else that seems important.  I think people should pay attention to B. Gates.  He is doing so much right now that is in the background, but I think very important not to ignore.

He's been trying to block out the sun for years... since before at least 2012.  Without getting anyone's permission... most countries are completely against this, most scientists are against this, but he's just plunging on and it will affect a lot of things very negatively.  People have only just begun to even notice this (who aren't in the science and research world I think).  But it isn't a new thing... he's been pushing for this for quite awhile.

But that's just one tiny thing he's doing, he's doing a lot more.  It'd be good to research into India's farming and crops, he's done a lot of damage to their economy and biopirated their crop genetics and (I believe, could be wrong) is forcing farmers to go to only 4 genetic variations of crops.  It's something like that, something very small.  Genetically, we know this is very dangerous for the food supply, when crops are wiped out due to plant viruses, you want to have genetically diverse kinds, not just relying on only 4 crops that are legally, "allowed," and strictly controlled. 

What he's doing is a lot more complicated than that, but you don't hear about ANY of this when everyone's interviewing him.  They only ask him about thoughts on the conspiracy theories of the vaccines, how to avoid another pandemic, the climate change stuff... they always always avoid his topic of working to block out the sun's rays, or his biopirating of India's crop genetics.  So that is also worth looking into, because I think it's tied in with the pandemic of course.  Controlling 80% of the world's food supply is not a good thing... I think there's a substantial risk of worldwide famine, and that its' setting up for that kind of disaster.  But what do I know? 

Martialbliss - YES!

Bill mother loving' GATES! Mr, ohhh, little old me? Just harmless nerdy me? In my little pink fluffy sweater? Just want to get you the vaccine ya'll, but I did tell you, remember, my TED Talk? Don't worry, I have a 1 in 20 financial return on the vaccine, nothing to see here though!

I hate to be that person bliss who says YES, I HAVE heard that! But, I have!!! And I am no longer embarrassed to say I have heard most speculations towards Gates from Alex Jones on InfoWars and I no longer care if that does seal the deal for everyone that I am, yes, officially a nutty conspiracy theorist! Wheel out my tin hat, right now! HA! But, I will defend myself and say, when I tune into that channel, I always take the time to look into any accusation from there myself and go from there. Freakishly, he is very often correct though. Food for thought.

The sun thing is crazy and y'know, when I first heard that I just couldn't believe it was true. Another Alex Jones theory, presumed. It was like he was this James Bond super billionaire evil villain or something but you know, that is kind of what he is, in my humble, small opinion.

I didn't know he was the biggest financial contributor to the World Health Organisation until a couple of months ago and after the previous things I had read it didn't surprise me one jot, but it is crazy. And his involvement in the vaccine development. Your mind is blown the more you look into these things. Sometimes I wish I never! I also read, one of his vaccine organisations when into India (as you mentioned), and tested out a Polio vaccine on extremely poor, obsolete tribal children and women. Plenty of them died or were badly disabled or maimed for life. And India, obviously not being known globally for its ethics, even BANNED his organisation from entering their country again. Even they formed and investigation against him and his practices there but you can hardly find this information and that alone is why it is so suspect and sinister.

I am like, Bliss, TELL ME MORE!!!!!! 

Don't get me started on virtue signalling, man, amen! I am so tired of it. The virtue brigade. The moral high ground masters. Thank God I can say, I never was one. It has become a weapon they beat you with, it is, as you know, not just to do with masks. When we have the referendum in the UK to leave the European Union, man, the virtue signalling was immense back then and has only seemed to slightly die out years later. I have since been called nazi, racist, facist! HA! Man alive, such horrible, heavy, serious terms. Makes me think the people using them don't actually know what they mean, because if they did, they'd know I wasn't one of them! This is because I wanted the UK to simply be a sovereign country who made its own laws and I wanted to try to get close to some form of democracy and those were the brands I was instantly hit with. So called friends who had known me since school, knew the type of person I was, that I didn't care about the colour of someones skin for Petes sake and they suddenly think I hate anything and everyone foreign and I want some kind of pure arian race or something ridiculous. 

I'm sorry to go off on a tangent. But, I am so interested by your knowledge and experience! Both as a mother and a scientist! What is it you and your husband do? Can I ask what your educational backgrounds are? I am being very nosey here so please, tell me to shut up if this is none of my business! Your children are very lucky to have such bright parents. I have always toyed with the idea of home schooling but I am nowhere near qualified like you and I feel I could do them an injustice but then, I look at some of the teachers and the syllabus today and I start to think, Lo, even a chimp could guide them better 😉 you might not be so shabby after all! HA!

I completely understand where you are coming from regarding advice when it comes to family! Every time I go to see my 94 year old Grandma, she must be sick, because I am constantly asking her advice on marriage, children, and even how her mother and father raised her. I guess I am traditional in some ways. I don't like the "woke" trendy version of parenting that seems to be becoming popular at the moment. Gender is a construct. You are a terrible person if you buy your daughter a doll and let your son play with a train. Dress your boy in pink and sequins and tell him he can make his mind up later! No sugar, ever! YES! I know a mother like this. I had an Easter egg hunt and the poor girl had to simply find the chocolate eggs then hand them over. Wait, I think she got to eat two, so rare. It's like they have sucked the fun out of everything. All the toddler clothes they pick are black and grey or leopard print, like mini little hookers walking around the playground LOL! Sorry but I have to laugh. Insanely trendy, expensive, wooden toys the kids aren't bothered with. They end up gravitating towards the bright plastic stuff. Ahhh I could go on!

I think this is what I miss about not being a part of a religious community. You are right. I had a mum friend who was very religious, very text book, and the one thing I always envied about her situation was her church group was full of young mums with bigger families and she got to go somewhere every week at a set time, full of lots of different age ranges, and she got their guidance and advice and support and that is really what is missing in secular life.

And, ohhhhh man 😉 I don't know if my mind could ever be changed on the religious front now! I am too far gone! And happy to be 😉 Ya see, to set aside science, and evolution, and physics, and looking at the Bible as a historic text of its time and all of that, just to forget all those arguments, even if it say were true,  I don't even agree with it morally anyway! So I would be getting to the pearly gates and I would say sorry but, I just didn't agree. The ten commandments for a start, I think any old person off the street could improve them. Seems blasphemous I know but it's just the truth from me. I mean, what about, top commandment - wash your hands. There is such a thing as bacteria and microbes. There, saved billions of people over time and history from infections. Why leave it out?! 

My question to all religious people has become the same now - it is simply this: do you believe that God intervenes with our lives? 

And from that my moral disagreements with the Lord start. Big time! Because I just cannot see how someone like my mother can say, I prayed and the Lord helped heal my ganglion cyst on my ankle, but then, can sit back and watch an innocent child be sexually tortured and killed even though I am sure they must have prayed as well. Y'know, I just see no defence for it. Either he intervenes very horribly, and choses in a sadistic way, Roman style, who gets it or not, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, then a lot of what religion is based on becomes false.

I also know we are animals, just like an ant is also an animal. And my issue with the soul has always been, if we have a soul, as an animal, does that mean all animals then have souls too? And does having a soul qualify you for heaven? And if not, at which point in evolution did the soul kind of, get "put" into man? So, a termite is getting into heaven and also me? And what about all the variations of human that happened in our evolution, are they waiting in the afterlife too? Will I get to meet my Neanderthal ancestor who we interbred with? And they could never of known of Jesus or the Bible, so does that also automatically just tough luck put them out of heaven, or are they in there anyway because that bit hadn't been invented yet?!

I also think religion in its creation presumed a lot of things but one thing is that there is "a beginning". I know nothing of physics, but my little random read now and then suggests we may have it all wrong. That there doesn't have to be a beginning, and time its self is more of a curve, circle, no break, no beginning and no end and that in itself also to me throws questions at religion which is all based around creation, beginnings? But then an unimaginable eternity after, but never before?! 

Am I sounding crazy here or is it just me? 😉 I spoke to a very religious mum about this and y'know, maybe it's not what you expect from an afternoon play date in the garden... HA! But I did ask her permission before and it was all said in the nicest, curious way, because I am genuinely curious of peoples reasonings to believe, and we got 15 minutes in and she just said, "I see you have thought about this a bit. I don't know. I just believe". And that was kind the argument gone for me! 

I have these conversations with my Methodist parents often too. My Mum is still desperately disappointed I don't believe. She spent one morning trying to convince me of guardian angels and I was gone! It just reminded me of the Christmas as a child. I finally realised Santa Claus wasn't real. I can't go back now and every December the 25th try to convince myself it really is true, no matter how magical it all seemed at the time.

My son, 3 years old, we do the whole Santa thing but we don't emphasise it or make a big deal of it and he is even humouring me this year, I just know it! I am raising our kids to have basic knowledge of all religions, and then, they can make their own mind up from there. I never say I believe or I don't. 

Sorry to go off on a religious splurge! I appreciate peoples faith is very dear and personal to them and this makes it a sensitive and usually highly offensive topic so I get that this isn't considered polite conversation but Bliss, I am like, allergic to small talk 😉

Appreciate your feedback, I would love to message you sometime and just get your feedback on things now and then, family and science, if okay?

Lo x


 

[mylolita]

Bliss,

Just to add, it popped into my head. I don't know if you have ever read anything by Christopher Hitchens? He was a writer who edited Vanity Fair and wrote many a book, some criticising religion.

This quote from him just popped into my mind, which sums up all my feelings towards the traditional Christian faiths regarding this topic, the Virgin Birth:

"Which is more likely: that all natural order is suspended, or that a Jewish minx should tell a lie?"

😉

Lo x

[mylolita]

Can I just also add Bliss, to offset my high criticism, is that most people who I admire, respect and draw knowledge from are actually religious, and I strangely get on more with religions people. I think it is because we are both old school in our own ways, so we find common ground within those areas.

Some of the most intelligent people I have ever known have been religious. But some haven't. 

I just wanted to add that, because I never want to be throwing out persecution here or self righteousness because I presume I'm right and ruffling your feathers when that is not my intention at all.

Best,
Lo x

[mylolita]

Ever got stuck in a weird rut where you just don't know what music you want to listen too? You desperately rummage around your brain trying to think of something that is going to fit your mood or give you something and no matter how hard you search, nothing comes?

It has to be one of the most frustrating feelings for me. 

I always have music on. I'm like, a music junkie. I love it. Drives - got to have music. Lounge - got to have music. Cooking? Music. In the garden? Music, definitely. The only place music doesn't seem to fit in with the groove for me seems to be, during sex. Why?! I will never know, because this is probably, I presume, the time when someone is generally seen as popping on some jazz or some low key r&b or something but I never do it. If it is there, it is always just by chance and never intended, which I guess is how all the best things happen.

Lately I've loved a kind of background chill vibe. I am going towards, Christian Scott 'No Love'. I also like a lot of chill by a band called Bonobo, Thievery Corporation. YouTube has an amazing channel, a dj who mixes chill versions of popular songs. It sounds terrible, some of them are but there are a few corkers. The channel is 'Majestic'. Also, 'The Sounds You Need' is very similar. So much by Sade as well. 'Cherish The Day', 'Couldn't Love You More', 'Sweetest Taboo'.  For summer, I always like Kings of Leon 'Beachside' for a drive, or 'Manhattan'. Bruce Springsteen, 'I'm on Fire'. Ray Price, 'Night Life'. Ray Charles, 'I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now'. And of course, my old time favourite for relaxing, perfectly, must be 'Oh Honey' by Delegation.

I've always loved Empire of the Sun 'Walking on a Dream' as well. That song never fails to bring me up. 

From feeling so sick and exhausted with morning sickness, I suddenly feel so... amazingly healthy. Technically, maybe, I'm not. I don't know. People often say to me, "You look the picture of health" and I always take it as a compliment. Or, is that just another way of saying, "You've put on weight and look comfortable." HA!

Anyway, I just feel great. Y'know that feeling when you're young and lean and mean and you can just go and go and you run everywhere and climb trees until if you fell you would surely die but you don't really entertain a thing like fear or doubt or nerves and you are king of your domain and of all you see and you feel like you will surely, definitely, live forever?

Sometimes that's still how I feel. I know and realise my mortality very realistically, and I think that helps me appreciate sometimes the daily moments I do have. I never want to take anything for granted, if I can.  To me, what a waste it would be, to never be able to be in the moment. I guess that is the feeling constant evaluation and questioning can sometimes rob you of - simply, just being and living and just taking it as it comes and shutting up to give yourself time to enjoy the silence.

It's such a beautiful thing, to feel alive. Even in our deepest moments of despair, sometimes we are still very much alive. Our moments are so fleeting. I look at my children, and I see my face in theirs, and I realise their little beating hearts and, their future children. I am looking at my own immortality in a way. Genetically. Maybe spiritually. Maybe the little things I pass onto them, they may pass on, and on and on, and maybe one word or idea, it might stay, just like a little strand of DNA.

I always have a gut wrenching fear, I guess because D is nearly a decade older than me, that I will be more likely to be left alone and have him die first. Or that, he is going to fall ill and die. I can hardly stand it. Those thoughts sometimes take my breath away for a second in the worst possible way. But optimistically, and ever beautifully, in his way, he has told me some nights when I spill my fears and such and such that the love we have is here and can never be lost and as long as I am here or he is here or the children are here it will always be alive because our memories live inside of us. I feel tearful typing it but I feel so so lucky, because in someones eyes, his eyes, I am special.

People sometimes strive to be special in general. To be something. Maybe sometimes that is a fools errand for most. Mostly, we are flawed, mediocre, normal. But when someone loves you, to them, because of love, you are perfect. You reach perfection, in love. 

I am just so soppy at the moment. I am definitely hormonal, no doubt. HA! What can I do. What can be done!

Had the feeling of being on the run all my life, mentally and practically. Moving, changing jobs constantly, always thinking, meeting person after person, so many people, so many stories, it's made my head spin. I think I have a natural restlessness. I sometimes revel in this, but it gets tiresome. No one can run and run and run. Sometimes you need to know when to rest your mind, rest your heart, and rest your soul. And sometimes, you need to know when to just enjoy yourself and bloody let it go.

The clouds are a speckled dapple against the palest blue. What a day. My son, my daughter, the best thing about them is their eternal positivity. "It's a beautiful day Mammy!" Were his first words as I drew back his curtains.

And damn, isn't it just. Everyday should be a beautiful day.

Lo x

 

[mylolita]

"I wonder, I wonder. Pretty baby, how I wonder?"

-Ray Charles, 'I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now'.