What is your dating pattern?

[notalady]

In the spirit of continuous self improvement, I had been thinking a lot about my dating pattern. And I think I've been aware of this for a while, just never consciously thought about and managed it - I tend to fall for the good-on-paper guys, while ignoring some huge flaw or problem that is staring me right in the face. It's as if I develop a big blind spot and focus on only the good things, even though I'm well aware of the bad (which are often deal breakers).

 

What is/was your dating pattern and what are you doing / did you do to break it?

[TwixSense]

I am sorely lacking in my academic/career/friend department which depresses me, and I think this reflects itself in the type of men I date. Typically they are men who have a dark childhood or got messed up from dating bad women. Typically they are jobless, or paid minimum wage, or always complaining about how one thing or another didn't go well for them in life, or their ex cheated on them, or how most women are cheaters, or they don't get along with their parents, or they constantly talk about how they want an honest woman but later out I find out that they weren't faithful, etc etc.

 

Right now I am breaking out of this by advancing my career. I checked out some healthcare training programs to help get a better paying + more interesting job. Also I got a medical evaluation for ADD and I have some lab tests scheduled within the month. For the friend department I am pushing myself to socialize more with the people I went to school with. And I am on a dating website since it is the easiest way to meet new people for now, but it is temporary.

 

I figured if I targeted the areas of my life that depress me then maybe I won't gravitate towards men with the characteristics that I mentioned above.

[Sportster2005]

In the spirit of continuous self improvement, I had been thinking a lot about my dating pattern. And I think I've been aware of this for a while, just never consciously thought about and managed it - I tend to fall for the good-on-paper guys, while ignoring some huge flaw or problem that is staring me right in the face. It's as if I develop a big blind spot and focus on only the good things, even though I'm well aware of the bad (which are often deal breakers).

 

What is/was your dating pattern and what are you doing / did you do to break it?

 

When you get hurt bad enough, you'll stop. You know what you are doing wrong, you just told us, stop doing it.

[John John]

I'd say my pattern of dating was going after women who just weren't right for me. Or, simply dating (or attempting to do so) when I wasn't in the right frame of mind for a healthy relationship. Now I have learned that both scenarios are recipes for disaster. Hence, why I am happily on the sidelines at the moment

[wsim]

I am notorious for being one and done when it comes to dating. While I go on a handful of first dates, very rarely do I ever progress to a second date. To be honest, I don't really know where I am going wrong, am I just not meeting the right person or does the problem lie somewhere else? After some thought, it could be that I end dates too passively, saying that I will keep in touch and then after the customary text the next day or two about having a good time and indicating that I would like to see her again, the girl politely rejects/declines or disappears entirely.

 

At this point, I am still trying to figure out how and what I could do to break this ridiculous and dubious pattern. I can go on dates but never progress to a relationship.

[notalady]

I am notorious for being one and done when it comes to dating. While I go on a handful of first dates, very rarely do I ever progress to a second date. To be honest, I don't really know where I am going wrong, am I just not meeting the right person or does the problem lie somewhere else? After some thought, it could be that I end dates too passively, saying that I will keep in touch and then after the customary text the next day or two about having a good time and indicating that I would like to see her again, the girl politely rejects/declines or disappears entirely.

 

At this point, I am still trying to figure out how and what I could do to break this ridiculous and dubious pattern. I can go on dates but never progress to a relationship.

 

Sounds like they just didn't feel the attraction or connection. That's a tough one. Do you make them laugh on dates? I know many girls generally would want to see you again if you made them laugh a lot, have a good sense of humour etc.

 

I'll tell you this though, the times I had first dates and rejected the guy's offer for a second date was because I didn't feel we had much to talk about, or what we had to talk about was boring, and general awkwardness makes me not want to go on a second date.

 

Having things in common/ to talk about and laughing are the key factors to making someone feel like there is a connection or 'that click' on a first date (in addition to physical attraction, though I feel this comes second to the other stuff).

[missmarple]

When I was younger, I would usually get involved with very insecure guys (ex husband included) and didn't pay much attention to personality as long as there was chemistry and they treated me nicely. Only after my divorce did I realise that I really wasn't compatible with them, it only suited me on the surface.

At this point in my life, I go on many first dates and very few second ones. If I get into a relationship again, it will not be because of chemistry alone, that's for sure.

[SoulTaker]

In the spirit of continuous self improvement, I had been thinking a lot about my dating pattern. And I think I've been aware of this for a while, just never consciously thought about and managed it - I tend to fall for the good-on-paper guys, while ignoring some huge flaw or problem that is staring me right in the face. It's as if I develop a big blind spot and focus on only the good things, even though I'm well aware of the bad (which are often deal breakers).

 

What is/was your dating pattern and what are you doing / did you do to break it?

 

My dating pattern is to use dating for what it's supposed to accomplish, evaluation of the person I'm dating. The first date is to see if she makes it to the 2nd date,... The venue is a place where it doesn't become a distraction to why I'm there. Red flags are things that cannot be changed, and things don't proceed any further.

 

For example, if I've seen her pics, and she shows up looking totally different (not for the best), then that's a red flag, and there'll be no 2nd date. Not just because I might find her unattractive, but because she lied about it, and I won't deal with a lier. Another one is if she's not happy because I didn't take her to someplace expensive. Then that's a red flag.... These are just a couple of items, of many that I'm evaluating.

[Cherry009]

I seem to only attract guys who are on the rebound or have emotional baggage from their past, i have no idea how to break this cycle as in the beginning they hide it & act all keen, no red flags etc. Then out of no where i get the "you are amazing, its not you it's me" line.

[John John]

My boss is trying to hook me up with a Katy Perry lookalike (and I

 

I don't know anything about her...but since my boss (who is much older) is dating her shopaholic best friend, I'm already writing this one off as FWB only potential (assuming she's anything remotely like her friend, who I don't care for based on stories he's told me). But then again, my ex of 5 years was an FWB at first...to be continued...

[deejay74]

I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable women. I also tend to get into a relationship with the first girl that comes along after I'm single if we go on for more than a few dates.

 

I seek out that "head over heels", "butterflies in the stomach" feeling with the women I choose. If I don't feel that, I think that something's not right, and/or that I am not that into the girl.

 

I also tend to move quickly and so do the women I get involved with.

 

I dismiss red flags, especially when I am "in love" or infatuated with the person I'm involved with.

 

I have not done anything yet to fix this. After my last relationship, these things became pretty clear. Now that I know this, when I get involved again, I will do my best not to repeat these mistakes and recognize the emotionally unavailable women (if I can, sometimes I didn't realize this until after getting involved) in addition to not repeating those behaviors I just listed.

[IAmFCA]

MCJD Go slow, crazy slow.

 

Ms KP lookalike is used to people dragging her into bed, and she gets affirmation that she is desirable all the time. The fact that you actually care who she is will be novel to her.

 

Plus, it will up your street cred with your boss' gf. Like, "Yeah she's hot, but I get hot women all the time. What else she got?"

 

My boss is trying to hook me up with a Katy Perry lookalike (and I

 

I don't know anything about her...but since my boss (who is much older) is dating her shopaholic best friend, I'm already writing this one off as FWB only potential (assuming she's anything remotely like her friend, who I don't care for based on stories he's told me). But then again, my ex of 5 years was an FWB at first...to be continued...

[IAmFCA]

My dating pattern: From 50,000 feet up, a few threads emerge over a lifetime:

 

- being emotionally unavailable and therefore attracting same.

- falling for the man who falls for me the hardest.

- letting myself get sold too soon.

 

Changing these over past two years. Work in progress. Lessons so far:

 

- trust my instincts.

- model the behaviors I want to attract. if i want him to be available, be available myself. same true with values, positive attitude, healthy habits, etc.

- speak my goals early, then communicate by actions more than words.

[SoulTaker]

My boss is trying to hook me up with a Katy Perry lookalike (and I

 

I don't know anything about her...but since my boss (who is much older) is dating her shopaholic best friend, I'm already writing this one off as FWB only potential (assuming she's anything remotely like her friend, who I don't care for based on stories he's told me). But then again, my ex of 5 years was an FWB at first...to be continued...

 

MC, that can be a dicey situation. It depends on how well your boss gets along with you. You know that anything that happens with the KP person will eventually get back to your boss.

[chr8st8na]

I agree with ITIC, go super slow MC.

 

My dating pattern is dating emotionally unavailable men too because I can't seem to break away from my reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable myself.

I also focused too much on other priorities in life that men who are attracted to me are the same way with life that when we date, other priorities burn out the flame because our priority isn't the relationship but at work or college. For every "it's not you, it's me" statement I've uttered, I always got "timing isn't good atm" from the guy, haha.

[Batya33]

My dating pattern was to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men and to stay in relationships that "seemed" right for way too long. I changed when I was able to be excited and passionate about a man who was thoughtful, considerate and available/very into me and where I did not need to be "on my toes" like I was with the emotionally unavailable guys in order to continue to be interested and excited. I still like a challenging relationship but not in the way of having to win the person over. I like feeling at home and comfortable with my husband.

[quirky]

- being emotionally unavailable and therefore attracting same.

- falling for the man who falls for me the hardest.

- letting myself get sold too soon.

 

stay in relationships that "seemed" right for way too long

 

The above plus

 

going for strange/unusual/troubled souls that often comes with a set of problems.

 

Ultimately not believing in real, long lasting love and being influenced by movies rather than reality.

Also being very particular in what I like in someone.

[notalady]

I'm similar to you in moving too quickly and dismissing red flags. I find dating multiple people at the same time really help put things into perspective, and help me keep a more objective and balanced view of the prospective dates. You could try that.

[IAmFCA]

Dating patterns are a window into the rest of it.... As I peel layers off of my adult, experienced self, I discover - duh - that my dating patterns are evident in other aspects of my life - friendships, work life.

 

My female friendships are becoming higher quality relationships, with women of my choosing, whom I respect and want to have in my life. My friendships are painfully slow to develop, due to my own difficulty making myself available. As my dating life becomes more healthy, so too my friendships.

 

One foot in front of the other...

[John John]

After going through what I went through with my breakup...I will be choosing my next relationship VERY carefully. My eyes are wide f'in open. lol.

[Batya33]

Dating patterns are a window into the rest of it.... As I peel layers off of my adult, experienced self, I discover - duh - that my dating patterns are evident in other aspects of my life - friendships, work life.

 

My female friendships are becoming higher quality relationships, with women of my choosing, whom I respect and want to have in my life. My friendships are painfully slow to develop, due to my own difficulty making myself available. As my dating life becomes more healthy, so too my friendships.

 

One foot in front of the other...

 

That's an interesting observation. It did not work that way for me in the least because my female friendships were for the most part very healthy and had far different patterns (both development and maintenance) than my dating patterns, when there were patterns. But certainly it's interesting to think about. Certainly if you become a more confident person in general then dating and friendship approaches are both going to change for the better but there are other changes people make in dating that are not reflected in other aspects of life (because for example I did not want a life time commitment to any friend, colleague, boss, etc so the efforts that went into attaining marriage/family were distinct from other areas of my life).