Her Parents Dislike Me Mainly Because I Am Not Catholic

[kool_kid_86]

My girlfriend and I started dating about two months ago. We are both 28, just graduated from college and started working in our dream careers, still living with our parents, have strong Filipino values, and respect our parents a great deal. We were great friends for about a year before that. While we were friends, her parents warned her not to get close to me. Shortly after we started dating, she told her parents that we were dating and they did not like that idea at all. They lectured her saying that I am not the right person for her because of two reasons:

 

1) I am not a Catholic. Ever since we have started dating, I have regularly been attending church every Sunday. In my heart, I know that I will devote myself to the church in time. Both of my parents are Catholics, but are not active (they pray when needed, but do not attend church nor do they try to push religion onto me).

 

2) My past. I have had two previous that both lasted for five years but I messed up both of them. I cheated on the first girlfriend with my second girlfriend. I really cared about my second girlfriend but after six years I was feeling too guilty about cheating that I had to break it off. A year later, my current girlfriend and I started dating. Due to this past history, her parents think that I will not be a devoted boyfriend and will most likely cheat again. I know I will not cheat again as we both love each other dearly and I vowed to communicate all of my emotions to my girlfriend.

 

Whenever my girlfriend and I are out together, we tell our parents (it is a respect thing). We don't work in the same company but we often (almost every work day) pick each other up after work and take transit together to get home (we live fairly close to one another). I spend Saturday and Sunday with her too. During these times that we are together, her parents would call her cell every hour asking her when she would come home. When we talk on the phone at night, her parents would come into her room and tell her to go sleep. I have met her parents a few times when we were friends and they are very great and beautiful people. It is just that they think their daughter can find someone who is much more compatible in the sense that they grew up as a Catholic and has never cheated before.

 

I don't know what to do about this. I wanted to confront my girlfriend's parents about this and have a conversation about this, but they refuse to speak to me. They even said that they will not attend the wedding! I am planning to speak with various pastors regarding this issue to get some spiritual guidance. In the back of my mind, I did think of breaking up with my girlfriend because of the amount of strain I am putting on her family, but this would be a waste as we connect extremely well together (even as casual friends people thought we were dating). I am fully committed to this girl and willing to do anything to prove to her parents that I am right for her daughter. My parents have no idea what to do, and neither do I. Can anyone offer some advice?

[missmarple]

You've been dating for 2 months and you're worried because her parents would not attend....the wedding???

 

Forget about marriage, first of all. It's wayyyyyyy too soon. Second, since her parents (obviously) don't forbid her to see you, and your girfriend doesn't seem to be affected by their opinion, why worry so much? Perhaps, if you keep dating, they'll change their mind.

 

In any case, it's too soon for all of this. For all you know, you could end up not being that compatible with the girl for other reasons.

[CeeLambrini]

I'm wondering how anyone knows about your past relationship details, is it a tight-knit community where everyone knows everything or were you obliged to tell your girlfriend all of this after only 2 months?

[nutbrownhare]

Yep - two months is way too soon to know if you're compatible in the long term; you're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and it'll be a while before you really get to understand how you relate as people.

 

As it is, just take one day at a time and enjoy each other. Time will tell if you're both in this for the long haul, and unless her parents are actively stopping you meeting - then just be polite to them, but don't worry too much of what they think of you.

[Snny]

still living with our parents, have strong Filipino values, and respect our parents a great deal.

That explains everything - culture. My fiancé is Filipino (I am not) and the biggest concern with his family was thankfully not my race, but my religious background! I grew up Catholic, was very active in the church, went to Catholic school, even taught in Catholic school one year. Before him I dated other guys who were not Catholic and my parents didn't have a problem with it; I decided On my own that I wanted to be with someone who shared the same conservative values as I did. But Filipino Catholics are strongly devoted.

 

2) My past. I have had two previous that both lasted for five years but I messed up both of them. I cheated on the first girlfriend with my second girlfriend. I really cared about my second girlfriend but after six years I was feeling too guilty about cheating that I had to break it off. A year later, my current girlfriend and I started dating. Due to this past history, her parents think that I will not be a devoted boyfriend and will most likely cheat again.

How in the world do they even know about your relationship history? That information is none of their business. But most Catholics (especially Asians) will date for marriage. This will pose as a huge problem.

 

Here's the thing: your relationship is not up to them. It is up to you both. I totally get the culture and the strong family ties in a Filipino family, but you both need to do what is right for the two of you, not based on what someone says. And if she is willing to continue to date you, then she needs to stand up for you to them. Since you are adults, she needs to establish boundaries with them.

 

I don't know what to do about this. I wanted to confront my girlfriend's parents about this and have a conversation about this, but they refuse to speak to me.

Bad move. NEVER confront your partner's parents. Anytime they start a fight with you, she has to be the one who mediates I. If you try fighting back, you dig yourself a deeper grave with them. If you want to win their affection, you have to continue to be civil. Confrontation is a hostile move. Your girlfriend is the only person who can handle them and ensure they don't interfere in her relationship with you.

 

EDIT: oh wait... Dated for two months. Yea I wouldn't fully worry about them yet.

[CeeLambrini]

Unless the parents not liking you is a deal breaker, remove them from your concerns for now and concentrate on the relationship. Have you spoken to her about her family values, and whether or not she is still comfortable to date you even without her parents approval? If both of you can accept that you can be happy together with or without them then that is a good start. Weddings shouldn't be being mentioned right now as you two don't even know if you're going to be married yet. Continue to enjoy each others company and maybe ask her to put her phone on silent.

[itsallgrand]

This is the way I see it. I dislike people putting their own individual choices onto their culture. At least own your choices.

Both you and your girlfriend have chosen to give your parents a lot of power over your choices in life, and have a strong dependence on your folks. It is what it is.

 

But if this is what you choose, then you have decided to allow these people to have control over what the game plan is. Ultimately, if this is what your girlfriend is like - a 28 year old woman whose parents can wake her up to lecture her and whom she has to report to whenever she goes anywhere - then the parents are the ones who will ultimately choose who she will be with. She will choose someone who they like and want for her.

 

So if that is the life you want, you have to play their game and be who they want. Which means, yup, you become the good little Catholic guy. And you probably put up with years of bs from them, and your girlfriend, by being limited in what you do pretty much the entire time you are with her.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

If you were baptized Catholic, you're Catholic. Just not a strict/good Catholic.

 

 

As far as your second issue, that's easy. Just prove that you will remain faithful, but don't stay in a relationship that isn't working.

[Snny]

If you were baptized Catholic, you're Catholic. Just not a strict/good Catholic.

This is a very controversial statement that not many would agree with. Sure you received the sacrament, but not by choice; many who are baptized were infants at the time. The question is, do you continue to believe and follow the faith? I think what her parents are looking at is if he is active in the Catholic faith, which to them is an indicator of a good suitor to date/marry their daughter. I think it's great that the OP is attending mass with her and is deciding to come back to the faith, bit that is a personal choice he needs to make on his own; not because his partner or her parents are pressuring him to do so.

 

OP, you cannot control the past, but that should be kept between you and your partner. How you move on from it matters the most. Perhaps when you made those mistakes you were immature at the time, or the relationship was not right for you. Her parents should be cautious about it because you are dating their daughter... But they do not need to know that aspect of your life. Be careful what you tell them from this point on.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

This is a very controversial statement that not many would agree with. Sure you received the sacrament, but not by choice (many who are baptized were infants). The question is, do you continue to believe and follow the faith?

 

I am simply speaking from what I know about how the Catholic church treats its members.

 

I no longer identify as a Catholic, but I went through the entire process one goes through if one is raised Catholic, and that's my take on it.

[greywolf]

In my opinion/experience, her parents won't care once you start producing grandchildren for them.

[notalady]

I see some of the posters here not understanding why you have to consider the parents, or need to listen to them at all, or think it's a cop out for not making your own choices. Let me just say that as Chinese, I fully understand both your concerns and need for/wanting of family approval. It's just a cultural thing, you respect your parents view on the major aspects of your life. Ideally they would be reasonable and not interfere too much, but that's not always the case. Is it the right way? Sometimes but not always.

 

I have been in positions where I had to choose my family or the guy I was dating, and I understand the difficult position your

gf is in. I myself always chose family. That's just the way it is, you can't replace family and they are the ones that truly unconditionally love you and will be there for you no matter what, whereas guys come and go. Fortunate for me, my parents are actually reasonable, so they didn't object for no reason, and I could see afterwards that these guys were not compatible with me.

 

As for your situation, I would suggest addressing both their concerns. You should yourself or get your gf to communicate with her parents regarding the catholic thing, if you are willing to become catholic, that solves the problem, no?

 

The cheating thing is much more difficult to address. After all, you can't change that fact. Maybe a sincere chat with her parents could boost their confidence in you? Maybe even explain to them why you cheated that time and recognise that it was irresponsible and express your regret, and say that you will never do it again and that that's not your normal behaviour? I'm not sure what more you can do about it.

 

To those who says it's too early in the relationship to think about this, I disagree, if parental approval is important to you both (or at least to her), you better get this sorted soon. You don't want to waste each other's time dating for longer and become more in love and get your hearts broken when you are eventually made to choose family or your relationship. Trust me, I've been there lol..

[FlashEng1]

Oh I LOVE the "parent's don't approve" situations... especially as the "Black" guy in the relationship... at least you get to change religions lol.

 

I dated one girl whose entirely family was your stereotypical "country" family. $1 Keystone Light beers, Duck/Deer sausage every weekend, and they lived out in the middle of no where! Her mom would actually try to follow me home every time I dropped her off when we were first dating (I drove a sports car, so I'd always lose her after the first sharp turn)... 6 months into the relationship we had a child. (I was around 20 at the time). Parts of her family swore off not only the child, but my (then) gf and her mom/dad/brother and sister; and just when her immediate family became close, it started to tear her extended family apart! This went on for about 3 years, and to this day (8 years later) parts of her family still don't talk because of it We lasted about 3-4 years, then ultimately realized we were two kids who didn't really know what we wanted, and went our own ways. Then I dated a hispanic girl.. Her family mostly gave me a hard time for not speaking Spanish fluently, but the grandparents were the one's really against us. The one relationship that was a real time-waster though, was dating an Indian girl whose parents HATED that I was black. Our entire Christmas was spent with me home alone, while she went to India to go on 3 or so arranged dates courtesy of mom and dad...

 

So yeah, I can definitely share your pain of being unfairly disliked.. as well as all the little annoyances families will do to try and push you two away, but you know what I learned from every one of those relationships? When it comes to two mature human beings: NOTHING from the outside world matters in your relationship.

 

This includes parents, children, best friends, cousins, siblings, etc. etc... If you and her are happy with one another, you two need to find a common ground together on dealing with anything picking at your relationship. If it bothers you so much when her parents call every 30 minutes to an hour, have a talk with her. You guys come up with a game plan together in handling things, as well as how to work together even when it doesn't feel fair/right. At the same time, this is your time to really develop thick skin when it comes to the approval of others and who you date; all you can really do is treat your girlfriend the BEST way possible that you would want your own daughter (should you have one) to be treated. Most adults with a bit of intelligence will ultimately get over themselves and get past their own issues, stereotypes, and other forms of bigotry in time.

[itsallgrand]

In my opinion/experience, her parents won't care once you start producing grandchildren for them.

 

But then they will have their say when it comes to the kids. lol.

[John John]

Flasheng said it best...when you're in a relationship...NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

 

When I was with my ex-gf, my family couldn't stand her (maybe I should've listened?). My friends weren't that crazy about her either. But, at the time, it didn't matter. We were with each other, and we loved each other, despite our differences. All you can do is try to sort your problems out together, as a couple. You can listen to your family and friends, and maybe even take their advice...but they should not be in control of your relationship.

 

Even now, after all this time and learning how much my family and friends didn't care of my ex...it still doesn't matter. Even though I now know we weren't right for each other...no one except me knows what I saw in her that made me stay as long as I did.

[notalady]

One additional thing to keep in mind, if you do decide to defy parental approval and just do what you/she want, remember that she's the one that has to ultimately make that decision, regardless of what you want. You need to work with her and not against her - I.e. Don't push her to choose or make a decision, give her time to think about it, talk over her concerns.

 

If you do make her choose, think about this, does she love you enough to choose you over them if push come to shove, will she risk offending her family or maybe even cut ties with them, who I have no doubt she loves and respects? If you are not sure what the answer is, or if the answer is no, then don't do it. Try to work out a solution to appease the parents. Your relationship is too young to withstand a huge obstacle like that.

 

The relationships I've seen working out where the parents had doubts about the partner, was the partner chose to befriend the parents and gain their trust. And the ones that didn't work out, including some of my own, was when the guy said screw that, I don't care what they think, it's not their business. Well guess what, you may think that, but if she cares what they think, and you put her in the middle like that, she'll likely dump you.

 

Afterall, how special can your relationship be after only two months, so much so that she can't find someone else that is just as compatible if not more, and has her parents approval? Makes life that much easier.

[greywolf]

But then they will have their say when it comes to the kids. lol.

 

very true! lol