pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 "Happy Father's Day, you're a great Dad!", and "I do miss you"... Texts from her yesterday. I did not respond to the first one - but when i mistakenly tagged her in a facebook pic of me and my kids later that day - she texted again. I had fixed it right away, but she was notified. I simply texted back that it was a mistake. She texted "i thougth you might have posted a "naughty" pic.. and that she would "have had a complete breakdown!!!" if I had. "Not my style. Take care S." was my response. Then the "you too" "I do miss you"... Simple, but i am now back to square one emotionally, after 5 days of no contact. I did not respond, but want to so badly. I want to call her, to meet up with her for a drink, to find out if she really does miss me. To find out if she needs me. My brain is so, so screwed up. Too much alcohol, depression, neediness, I can't focus. I'm on this site and others all day. Rumination. All over a 10 month relationship, that both of us knew would be lots and lots of work to make it long term. And even if i was 100% healthy mentally, i would NEVER be able to trust her. I am minimizing her behavior, white lies on white lies, flirty behavior and texts to and from a guy 15 years younger than him. Very likely she hooked up with him, and even if she didn't she lied about him and clearly was attracted. She is very very pretty, but getting older and so worried about losing the one thing she has always had - sex appeal. I would never make her happy this way. Now i am just journaling, i hope this helps me move on. I am so worried that she is now permanently with me, that I will never meet anyone that wants to really be with me, that i will always accept lying as normal behavior. And i have a fantasy about "closure" that the perfect words and a hug and kiss will allow me to move on with my life, movie ending style... Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 umm delete her fm facebook... moving on is not having any interactions with them or reminders of them lying around. Link to comment
patterned Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 You're going to feel like a lot of back to square one moments. It's OK, it'll get better. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Delete facebook I know. I know. I worry that this will give her a "victory". I was pretty weak at the end of the relationship even though i pulled the plug. My ego is already pretty damaged... She actually commented about her ex that deleted her FB and that she thought this was funny/strange But you are right. We were supposed to go to a wedding this weekend and i'm paranoid about her posting with a date... She constantly posts great pix of herself and i admit that I am sort of obsessed with how pretty she is (and so is she...) Shallow, but the future, healthy Paul will look back and realize that this was just infatuation, not real love. But I realized this morning that i am clinging onto this with my fingernails, that I actually do NOT want to move on yet. I guess points for me for admitting this. Those texts yesterday threw me for a loop... Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 yea you will look back and realize what an idiot you are. secondly who cares what she commented and what she thinks. its about you. why do you think so low of yourself to go back to someone who lost your trust? sorry to sound harsh but you need to snap out of it because if you say looks is the only thing she got going for her, you probably think way too low of yourself, and you need to work on why that is and how you can fix you. Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Its soooo hard. Take it from me. 16 years of what I thought was basically a perfect, healthy relationship and I was always completely head over heals for her. In the blink of an eye, with no actual warning, she vanished and seemed to turn into a completely cold and heartless person, cheated the night of the break up and we have been in very little contact for the past 2.5 weeks. It is beyond devastating and although I am kind of stabilizing now, I am still completely destroyed and beyond devastated. I would not wish this pain upon my worst enemy. They say time will heal it. I cant picture it but do dream of a day without this pain. I would love to be in contact with my ex but she has given absolutely no indication that she cares what so ever. I have just enough pride to not pick up that phone. Its so hard. Good luck to you though and at least you know that it could be worse. MUCH WORSE. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 yea you will look back and realize what an idiot you are. secondly who cares what she commented and what she thinks. its about you. why do you think so low of yourself to go back to someone who lost your trust? sorry to sound harsh but you need to snap out of it because if you say looks is the only thing she got going for her, you probably think way too low of yourself, and you need to work on why that is and how you can fix you. Nope - harsh is good. I need a "snap out of it" Cher/Moonstruck style Working on the self esteem thing. She's got more than looks - i'm not that shallow - but we did not have LOTS in common, and the trust thing, well i have a history unfortunately... (see post below) Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Well... Lets just say i do know your pain. Married 10 years (17 year relationship) to someone who left me for our best friend.. Three small boys. So, there is my history with "trust" and relationships. I was absolutely FLOORED when i found out. Never suspected, never had trust issues. So now, 8 years later after casually dating and having fun and being a Dad, I meet someone else, fall for her, trust her - i really did - and she lies to me. You can understand why I may be taking some of this a bit personally. My self esteem needs a boost, but damn, can I get a break from a woman that I simply asked to be honest with me (she knew all about my history, and still lied and cheated). But, Destroyed, do me a favor and PM me, ok? I really do think my story and experience can be helpful to you. Not only did I get over my ex, i truly improved my life in ways that astonished my friends. I seriously thought about putting a seminar together for men/Dads who had gone through similar experiences.. Anyway, send me a message and lets chat. OK? Link to comment
sharky988 Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 This is why you need to BLOCK her from Facebook. BLOCK her number from your phone. BLOCK her email address. BLOCK her on every online site and app you use -- and if you use something that doesn't allow blocking, go ahead and disable that account for a while. You can live with Instagram etc. And if you think this makes you look weak.... or petty.... or that it gives her some kind of moral victory.... SNAP OUT OF IT!!! Those are excuses and rationalizations to justify clinging to the ankles of a woman who's toying with you and sending you breadcrumbs! Link to comment
jphcbpa Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 You need to take a long hard look at why you are so obsessed with "how pretty she is". you said, never married ? mid 40's ? posting up pics on FB like a teenager. She is NOT a good emotional investment for a man with 3 kids. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 I'm obsessed with how pretty she is because i have self esteem issues. Bigtime. I'm athletic, active, have a great job, and I've been told i'm handsome. I'm also 5 foot 6 and 1/2. I know, big deal. We all have something. This actually had never much mattered to me in my life - no short guy syndrome, really. Until the last year or so. I became attached to the notion that my self worth in the world was validated by my girlfriend. I won't say its normal but I will also say that it is human nature. We are attracted to good looking people. I am getting older, this and her constant interaction with younger, attractive, tall dudes was just too much - I crumbled in the end and pulled the plug, but walked away feeling that my jealousy and insecurity (not her behavior) was behind the whole breakup. If I could take a pill and not be attracted to her, i would. It is a conversation I have with myself over and over. Her "acceptance" of me, her attraction to me - which was real - became a reward and a medal, to show the world that I was a "man". I was proud of it. Juvenile, yes. Guilty as charged. Trying to overcome this - and writing here helps. Seeing it in print makes me cringe a bit... I call her shallow and superficial. Ironic. In the end, I am a father, not some alpha male pick up artist. I need to be confident and happy, and not worry about getting my self esteem from someone else. Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 If I could take a pill and not be attracted to her, i would. It is a conversation I have with myself over and over. Her "acceptance" of me, her attraction to me - which was real - became a reward and a medal, to show the world that I was a "man". I was proud of it. Juvenile, yes. Guilty as charged. Trying to overcome this - and writing here helps. Seeing it in print makes me cringe a bit... I call her shallow and superficial. Ironic. In the end, I am a father, not some alpha male pick up artist. I need to be confident and happy, and not worry about getting my self esteem from someone else. good at least you realize first your a dad and ur self esteem comes from within. and if you say you are athletic, active and financially stable- you will be fine in finding someone eventually. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Thanks - i do think this - my self esteem - is at the core of the matter. As much as I want to "blame" her, or worse, women or relationships/love, i know that i need to be secure and happy before I should expect anyone to really love me back. (That said, I also want to keep a bit of anger inside, and not just let her off the hook- (she didn't need to lie to me, i was really not that possessive or controlling) This is another aspect of low self esteem - putting up with lying and being taken for granted, just to get some attention and affection) And what is sort of interesting to me is that I've actually dated prettier women, and early on, I was attracted but not the way I was later... In the end, i am still being superficial and probably don't know exactly what "love" really is. Sigh. I know I'm not the only guy on the planet that fell into this sort of "trap" - it's just now the hard work starts. Really need to ask some tough questions. Not date. Hit the gym. Focus on work and kids. And get some surfing in... Anyway, thanks for all your support - it actually is very helpful. I may actually sign off this site for a bit... My obsessive brain and all that... Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 She just texted me again. Her boss got fired. Sigh. i know, i know. I'm trying to find the strength to block her. I haven't texted back. I feel so tired. She has no idea what this is doing to me. Wish me strength. Link to comment
patterned Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Seriously man, go easy on yourself. It's fine. What you're going through is normal and what you feel is what you need to feel. Keep posting, but don't get down on yourself for having difficult feelings about it. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Thanks. I had gone tues-sunday w/NC, and was feeling better and better. I know its normal - i truly do like her very much - i have just had a hard time lately, and honestly wish she would just go away. I have a strong suspicion she is sort of testing me - seeing if I try to get things started again, all so she can soothe her ego. She is NOT used to being dumped. And on top of all of this is my closure fantasy - that we have one last talk and hug and everything then makes sense. Right now, i am just focused on not having a drink tonight. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 She just texted me again. Her boss got fired. Sigh. i know, i know. I'm trying to find the strength to block her. I haven't texted back. I feel so tired. She has no idea what this is doing to me. Wish me strength. Stay strong! She is doing this to feed her own ego. "She misses you". So what? That was then, this is now. Now is a direct result of her poor behavior. As far as closure, I understand that you want that "ahhh' moment but with her personality type, you will never get that. I suggest having a mirror talk with yourself. Tell yourself everything that you want to hear. Give yourself that hug. Get the closure from yourself. You are the best friend you will ever have. Take care! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Spend at least two days away from the internet. Go for walks and read books. Talk to people. Breathe fresh air. Link to comment
3Tears Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Just block her, do it. Now. Do it for yourself, want to stop feeling this way? Just block her. Its like peeling off a band aid, the slower you do this the more it stings, just get it over with and yank it in an instant. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 I know guys. So hard to do this. Bit of a war in my head right now. When you have your whole self worth invested in someone, even if its only been 10 months, the finality of no contact is pretty scary. I still haven't responded to her text but was tempted to just ask her to leave me alone or let me move on or whatever. the bandaid metaphor is a good one, but unfortunately the cut has not healed yet. I did not drink last night - the first night in a long time. I was very sad this morning, but it was a normal sadness, not the fog of a hangover. I did not have any crazy thoughts, just felt very, very sad and missed her terribly. I am making excuses I know, her lies were not earth shattering, her behavior not outrageous, but they were not respectful, not the actions of someone who really, truly, cared about me. And yet... I still hold out some crazy hope. This text, and Sunday's text, is her way of saying she wants to try again... Crazy I know. If we tried again, we would have fun, like we always did, we would connect, talk, have great sex, and then... I would go back to my life and she would go back to hers. Two different worlds. I would never be able to really "trust" her. That I know. I would maybe learn to accept her ways - her need for attention from men, her slippery grasp of the truth - i probably would be that guy that just accepts it, just to have someone in his life. And I would not work on my issues, i would spend less time with the kids and more emotional energy on her. I would keep drinking, or daydreaming, or journaling or writing on this site, rather than working, working out, being with friends, being a Dad, surfing, laughing. And i would not meet anyone else. Just to have her back. Sounds sane, right? Link to comment
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