This is getting ridiculous... doesn't seem like I am recovering

[bpm103]

I'm in my mid-30s. Broke up with her over 5 months ago. Were together for 5 years but the relationship was off an on the whole time. I think we broke up and got back together like 6 or 7 times, maybe more. She is an awesome girl and we got along really well when we were together. However, there was always something underlying in me that was telling me it wasn't right. I wanted it to be right so badly. We would break up (I would break things off, really - she broke up with me 2 times because of my actions), then we would get back together after a few weeks or maybe a month. The longest we split was for about 4 months. When we got back together I would be convinced she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Then after a few months I would be back feeling it wasn't right. The reasons why were plentiful and ranged from me thinking I could do better and be more physically attracted, to me not approving of her parenting or family skills/life, to me realizing I had a lot of work to do on myself, to just not being happy and blaming it on the relationship.

 

Today I am trying to get my life back. I am successful, I have "things", I have a family that loves me and that I love, I am healthy, I have a good support group, and I have been doing my best to be the very best version of me possible over the last several months. That includes recovery from addiction, meditation, working out, focusing on work performance, being social, trying to help others, etc. I really can look at myself over the last several month and say that I am proud of my progress.

 

The kicker is that I am still ruminating over my ex. I seem to be stuck in the same cycle of thoughts. I wake up thinking of her. I think of her when I am alone. I want to talk to her and get back with her but I know it's bad for us. I think of what she is doing, who she is with. I think of her being physical with other men. I wonder if I will ever find anyone that will make me certain that I made the right decision by leaving. I think of her daughter and miss her terribly. It just feels like I am not progressing and it's so damn frustrating.

[mhowe]

It doesn't go away by itself...you have to let it go actively.

 

Write about all of the reasons the relationship didn't work. Write until you can write no more.

And then throw it away. You have thus emptied your mind of what you ruminate on. And symbolically gotten rid of it.

[SooSad33]

It was a rocky 5 yr relationship, which has taken it's toll on you. Look at it as this.. " recovery from addiction, ".

 

After a long term relationship, it can take a good while to work on accepting the facts and recover. Healing doesn't happen in a month.

This is a BIG change in your life. So it'll take time to get over it all and be able to move on again, in a healthy manner.

You can be sure it has affected you mentally & emotionally.

 

"The kicker is that I am still ruminating over my ex. I seem to be stuck in the same cycle of thoughts. I wake up thinking of her. I think of her when I am alone. I want to talk to her and get back with her but I know it's bad for us. I think of what she is doing, who she is with. I think of her being physical with other men. I wonder if I will ever find anyone that will make me certain that I made the right decision by leaving. I think of her daughter and miss her terribly. It just feels like I am not progressing and it's so damn frustrating."

- This is all part of the process. But best thing is NO contact in any sense. NOTHING, anymore in order to be able to 'accept, heal and let go' of this.

 

You're in 'mourning' over the loss as it is a loss, so expect to go thru stages of grief. Sadness, confusion, lonliness, denial, anger, etc.

 

Give it more time.. seek counselling if you feel that over whelmed.

[bpm103]

Thank you both for your replies... they are helpful.

 

In regards to this:

Give it more time.. seek counselling if you feel that over whelmed.

 

I have been in therapy for years. And since we broke up I have been going every week. I journal, I go to AA meetings, I talk to people, etc. I am doing all of the things that are supposed to be helpful and I don't feel like I am making the progress I should be. I need to lower my expectations and reduce the amount of times I say "SHOULD". You're right I need to be patient.

 

In response to mhowe

 

I started making a list this morning and there are some things about her and the relationship that I can clearly see as characteristics I didn't like. Unfortunately, I am blaming most of the "reasons" I wasn't happy on my addictions. Lack of passion, physical imperfections, intimacy issues, lack of romance, not wanting to commit, lack of trust... etc... all of these things are directly attributable to my addictions. I was selfish. i neglected the relationship. I was unhappy because the only things that made me happy were drugs, alcohol, and cheap thrills (random sex, dating sites, breaking up and getting back together)... I fed off of the rush and the rush fades in relationships. So looking at the faults in the relationship only shine the spotlight on my issues. That results in me feeling shameful, sad, and regretful. I am so angry at myself for putting her through this and for screwing up a chance to be with a wonderful woman.

 

With that said, I am on the right track now. I will not go back to being that person again. I am disgusted by "him". I can't change the past but I can do things now to improve my chances at happiness in the future. It's just that I get back into this thought pattern of "I messed up" and that makes me go back to missing her, thinking of what she's doing, etc etc....

 

Thanks again for the replies. It helps to get this stuff out.

[mhowe]

As you said --- you messed up. Nothing you can do to change the past --- but you can change the future.

 

Change your outlook, your attitude and your behavior. Remember how much you can't stand "that guy" and stop being "that guy".

[HappyGal78]

Did you just start your program of recovery? If so, that should seriously be your main focus right now: YOU. I believe they even say wait a year to start dating... and there's a reason for that... you have to get a strong footing in program before you can be a good partner to anyone. And you are what's most important right now. I am only saying this because I, too, am in a recovery program for addiction. I was out of for a few years, and now back in the swing of things. I only really liked my ex (broke up 4 weeks ago) when we were drunk. That's when I felt like we had anything in common... otherwise any kind of communication always felt a bit forced, in retrospect.

 

One thing that I have learned along the way... you said "However, there was always something underlying in me that was telling me it wasn't right.".... think of that as a higher power. Trust that intuition. Work on yourself, and become a person who can be a good partner to someone else.

[bpm103]

Thanks Happy. I am doing my best to focus on me... that's why I haven't reached out to her, looked her up, anything in 5 months. It's not fair to her and it would compromise my efforts to maintain my sobriety, which is priority #1. I am finding that the remorse, shame, and regret have been making me feel very uneasy lately. When I feel uneasy I want to escape. When I want to escape I turn to addictive behaviors (including relationships). It's been difficult to stay "hands off" but I know that's what I need to do. I need a straight-jacket. lol. The obsessing causes stress. The stress makes me want to engage in unhealthy behaviors because those behaviors bring relief and acceptance (in the case of dating). I know I need to divert my attention elsewhere until I am more healthy but it's hard. I can only work out, meditate, clean, cook, shop, talk to people, watch TV, run, etc.. etc... SO MUCH... eventually I am sitting there by myself with just my thoughts and those are the really tough times where I don't know what to do with myself. Literally I feel I am going to explode. I need a punching bag. Maybe I can get into boxing. Thanks again.

[SooSad33]

good idea.. see if you can find another way to 'vent'. Iknow a few guys who work out to release their tension.

 

Whenever you have that urge.. redirect it. Get up and go do something. Do your best to get over that hump.

I have found in time, it eases off. And now I have also been able to refrain from contacting him, for the last 3-4 mos.

[No1]

Thinking of you provides you with a familiar 'blanket' of sorts. You feel comfortable because you are familiar with he. As toxic as she may be, you knew what to expect. You are on a journey that you haven't known and fear does creep up to you. So your mind goes right to your little blanket.

Ditch the blanket.. Its not doing any good for you.

[Ms Darcy]

Read this and see if any of this applies to you.

 

link removed

 

My thinking is that this is really about recovering from drugs and not necessarily recovering from the break up.

[HappyGal78]

I totally get this. Of course you want to turn to addictive behaviors when you start feeling uncomfortable. It's what is familiar. But that was our old way of "coping" and ALWAYS did way more harm then good. Right now, I'm totally struggling with wading through all these emotions that I normally would have tried to numb using whatever would momentarily make me feel good.

 

But its sounds like you're doing SO many great things for yourself. Cliche, but: stay in today. Sometimes when I get in my head and start churning things over, the best thing for me to do is call someone from program. And just tell them what's going on. Usually I get some yoda-type info in return that really helps.

[bpm103]

Read this and see if any of this applies to you.

 

link removed

 

My thinking is that this is really about recovering from drugs and not necessarily recovering from the break up.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy. I related to this. Not to some of the extremes presented but definitely on wanting to experience the high of any sort of new relationship. The fact that I am obsessing about relationships and women is indicative that I have some deeper issues to face. Now it's just a matter of doing something about it, which seems to be a simple as "saying no to dating/sex" right now. Simple, not easy. Finding ways to cope with the discomfort I experience when cutting that area of my life off is the challenge. Thanks again.

[lavenderdove]

Google 'thought stopping' and start to practice it. She was a 'habit' for 5 years, and it is hard to break a habit so your mind naturally gravitates back to her. But she is now no longer 'real' in your life. She's a ghost in your head, that is all. So what you need to work on is aligning your head with reality, that she is no longer your partner not practically should she be since you gave it 5 years and it just never worked out no matter how much you tried. Thinking about her after a breakup is a trick of your brain which runs in 'grooves' to kick back into memories of her. So you have to force yourself to jump out of that groove and stop thinking about her.

 

With thought stopping, you are structuring your time to give your poor brain a break from being haunted by her (because she is just a ghost at this point) and break the obsession and take back control of your own thoughts. So you set aside some time a few times a day, and only allow yourself to think about her for that set period of time (say 10 minutes at noon and 10 minutes in the evening). If she pops to mind at any other time of the day, you tell yourself STOP and remind yourself you'll get to think about her later at your set time, and immediately shift to something else like reading a book, working, TV, anything but allowing yourself to think about her before that set time you have reserved. You don't allow yourself to dwell on her at any other time of day.

 

Then when that set aside time rolls around, sit down and start thinking about her, but when the 10 minutes are up, you get up and distract yourself and do something different. Then over time, you reduce that time from 9 minutes to 8 minutes to 7 minutes etc., until you have weaned yourself off thoughts of her.

 

You will find yourself really struggling with thought stopping at first because thoughts of her are your 'go to' moments that serve some kind of purpose to help you feel less alone or distract you from other things. But they are destructive thoughts since she is no longer in your life, so you need to break this habit and switch yourself to thinking about positive things rather than focusing on a ghost.

[bpm103]

I like that idea Lavender and I will give it a try, add it to the arsenal.

 

Thanks!

[jphcbpa]

have you been to slaa?

[bpm103]

have you been to slaa?

 

yeah, didn't sit well with me when I went. I find the AA program to be good at addressing it... more even the guys in CA (cocaine anonymous) that I can really relate to.

 

Thanks for the comment/suggestion