You can't make someone make an effort in a relationship can you... or can you?

[PurpleButterfly]

Hello everybody,

 

I've recently started dating again, with someone 10 years on me, and I've spent a lot of my time trying to get to know him properly and seeing how compatible we are. I've also been trying to make sure there's nothing about him that's off putting (close attachment to exes, no cheating past etc). And I feel we're actually a really good couple together. We decided last week to go exclusive, which is awesome, however I feel like I make way more of an effort than he does. If he stays over at my place I make him a coffee every morning, I do his washing (I put it in with my washing, I don't just do his washing), I cook (he can't cook at all), I plan stuff to do on days off, I take an interest in his interests (he's a massive Star Trek fan and it's killing me inside that I have to spend my Saturday mornings watching Star Trek...), I leave him affectionate notes whenever I leave his place, I pick up his weekly sports mag if he can't, I've been leaving beers chilling so he has chilled drinks for the World Cup etc, etc...

 

I know these are tiny things, but I'm trying to make an effort in this relationship as I know that I was a bit half assed girlfriend in a couple of previous relationships. I'm just trying to excel myself. I know he appreciates what I do because he says so and does show me a lot of affection ... but I really don't see him doing ANYTHING for me. The weird thing is he even admits to my face he doesn't do anything for me. just the other day he said "You are just so lovely to me, I really don't deserve you, I never do anything nice for you..."

 

Okay so why don't you do something nice for me then..... it doesn't have to be anything extravagant. I'm all about the little things in life. I just don't want to waste time if he's not going to put effort in.

 

Am I expecting too much? Am I trying too hard or am I just being a doormat?

[JA0371]

Stop over giving. It's causing animosity already.....step back and let him move forward. He's not doing anything because you're not allowing him to. Spoiling a man by over giving will not prove you're worthy....it will make him lazy and entitled. Most men respect and want a woman who will let them do nice things for them. It makes them feel needed.

[mhowe]

You are MUCH more invested in the relationship than he is.

It is dine to do the little things...when they are reciprocal.

It is doormat status to have him acknowledge that you do them and he knows he doesn't do them for you.

[faraday]

Maybe he doesn't know what to do for you?

 

Any time my bf does anything that remotely makes me happy (when he texts me good night, when he give me unprompted back rubs, when he takes me out for dinner...anything that I like) I thank him. I make a big deal out of it. And he keeps doing it because he knows I like it.

 

If he literally does NOTHING...like didn't do any courting at all...you need to think about why you're with him.

[PurpleButterfly]

Yeah I probably should take a step back. I just wanted to make an effort. So if anything did go wrong and we ended, I know that I can say to myself I did all I could. I do give him room to do nice things for me and I give subtle hints but he really does nothing.... I just can't find a balance, I'm trying to make an effort but not be a doormat...

[sara-pezzini]

i think you are trying too hard in a relationship that is this new.....stop doing all those things for him and let it develop slowly and naturally, you do these things because you want to, but once you start resenting that he doesn't do them then all goes wrong, and he is who he is and you can't force or expect him to do that stuff if it isn't in his nature....there must be other things he does that make you feel good right?

[Ms Darcy]

Stop over giving. It's causing animosity already.....step back and let him move forward. He's not doing anything because you're not allowing him to. Spoiling a man by over giving will not prove you're worthy....it will make him lazy and entitled. Most men respect and want a woman who will let them do nice things for them. It makes them feel needed.

 

Totally. I lost respect for you reading all that stuff You sound more like a servant than a gf. Of all that stuff you are doing, stop doing ALL OF IT except MAYBE one thing. He will respect you more, not less.

[PurpleButterfly]

He shows me a lot of affection and he does send random texts which make me smile. But in the bigger picture .... there's literally nothing he does. If he knows he's not doing something why can't he mirror what I do? Even if it's making me a coffee in a morning or just watching one of my goofy programmes...

 

Maybe I am expecting too much, too soon. I do have a tendency to over think everything.

[PurpleButterfly]

Garghhh I always get this stuff wrong in relationships. I'm always up for making an effort, being spontaneous and just keeping things fresh. I'm a real giver and pleaser. But I just can't seem to get it right, I can't seem to find that balance.

[ParisPaulette]

I read your relationship and this exact article came to mind: link removed

 

And since he opened up the dialogue about how you are always doing things for him and he doesn't ever do anything nice for you I'm not sure why you didn't just ask him point blank in that moment, "Yeah, I notice that too, why don't you?" But although that moment has passed you need to pounce on the fact that he did open that conversation up for further exploration. Sit him and down and tell him, "You remember the other day when you said..." and then tell him exactly what you want. "I want you to do little things for me too," and give him some examples. Tell him relationships are a two-way street and you've noticed yours has become one-sided.

 

Yes, that's right, ask for what you want. Don't wait around for someone to magically divine or read your mind or be so grateful to you that they'll do such in return. And honestly this one already sounds like a bit of a tool who's going to keep expecting more then he'll start to feel guilty and then he'll start to find fault...I've been down that road, don't go there. All good relationships are give and take. If you're doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking this early in the game it's already a bad relationship. Change it now and if he won't or he turns out to be really just that lazy then tell him goodbye. Unless you like being a doormat. Personally my suspicion is that someone told you that you were a bad girlfriend, because you didn't doormat for them and now you think that's the way to a man's heart. It's not.

 

You just need to be more assertive in a relationship and ask for what you want. There is no shame in that and I'm not sure why the messages that are fed to us all from day one practically are that we should never make demands on our partners or ask for the things we'd like in a relationship. You don't over give to your car mechanic then keep hoping he'll magically show up and know exactly what you want done with your car, right? It's the same thing with relationships.

 

P.S. Someone with real manners will do little things for you, but if he's never had anyone call him on it it's time to do so. You just need to decide what it is you want in a relationship and then ask for that and look for someone who will give you that. And yes, if you make coffee for him it is only common courtesy he do the same. The impression I get of him is he's a nerd guy whose mom waited on him hand and foot and now he expects the same. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but that's what it sounds like to me. Is that really who you want to be with? And find something else to do with your Saturday mornings. I love Star Trek, but every dang Saturday morning???? That's just sad.

[Ms Darcy]

Garghhh I always get this stuff wrong in relationships. I'm always up for making an effort, being spontaneous and just keeping things fresh. I'm a real giver and pleaser. But I just can't seem to get it right, I can't seem to find that balance.

 

He doesn't do more because he doesn't feel the need to. Simple as that.

 

Really, if I have learned anything, over-giving is not a long-term turn on to men. Men want an equal, not a maid. Right now, you are heading in the maid direction.

 

It's not like he's going to complain. It's convenient. But after a while guys start to, without completely understanding why, lose interest and look elsewhere.

[londonbridge]

For your own good, I hope you listen to the advice of all these wise enotalone members! I've been in your spot before, most young women have, and either you learn the lesson the hard way, like I did, where the relationship blew up, or you take the advice above, grow a backbone and start building boundaries in the relationship. It's hard to do for a young naive vulnerable girl like yourself, but if you want to survive, you've got to toughen up.

 

Young women tend to be completely obsessed with people pleasing(due to the culture we're brought up in where girls have to be nice while boys are allowed to be naughty), and this is especially true in their romantic relationships.

 

I have several brothers, and I've seen how lazy and entitled they get in their relationships because their young girlfriends are like servants in waiting, just begging to please them. It's sad. In the end the girls changed so much, they no longer are who they used to be, and end up becoming instead so much like my brothers -in interests, sometimes even style of dress, it's creepy!!! Once the girls have fully morphed into becoming exactly like my brothers, my brothers, bored with their clone, will dump them and move on. Sad, but I've seen it too many times.

[catfeeder]

The balance would be to avoid inconveniencing your Self just to avoid doing something nice for him. For instance, having chilled brews on hand for guests makes sense to me. However, if he repeatedly shows up empty handed, it might serve him well at some point to face a need to run out for a 6 pack if he wants a beer. Making coffee for 'us' in the morning makes sense because I'm having some. However, if I cooked a nice dinner the night before, it wouldn't be beyond me to ask if he'd like to spring for breakfast if I call to order it.

 

Reciprocation is something this guy may just need to be taught if he's worth it to you. That requires asking for what you want, not waiting in frustration for him to come up with the ideas himself. For instance, asking him if he'd do you a favor and...fill in request here... is not rude, it can actually be helpful to let him know how to help you.

 

The blanket thing I'd avoid is doing anything you do NOT want to do. For instance, skip the Star Trek and go run your errands, do your chores or read a book.

 

If this is a good relationships, then over time you'll both learn ways to negotiate, bribe and compromise. You can learn enough about what he desires to offer things of value to him in specific exchanges for things that you want.

 

Bribery is the fine art of showing someone how it's in their best interest to give you something you want. If you're in the right relationship, this can be fun as you teach one another more about yourselves. If you're in the wrong relationship, this will become apparent soon enough.