Moral Help with Mother

[Savannian27]

Hi Everyone,

 

Been awhile since I've been on here, but I need some advice or help in a particular situation going on with my mother.

 

So I've been living at home for about 10 months now, and will be moving into a new apartment with a close friend of mine this August. During this time I've managed to land a full-time job with a good company, save up money for the apartment, and I've found a guy I truly love being with. We have just made a commitment to make our relationship official.

 

Needless to say I've been doing pretty well for myself, and I don't think I've ever felt quite so happy with myself and my life until now.

 

My mom however, is someone I still cannot seem to find a solution for certain issues I've run into with her.

The most recent issue has been having John, (my boyfriend) over to the house. To back up on past history, I've never had a guy over who was my boyfriend - or guy I was interested in either. This will be a first for both my family and myself. Yes, I care about him that much, and yes my parents have met him and think he's a great guy, and very nice too.

 

The previous weekend, not this past weekend I had him over while my parents were at our lake house. He ended up staying the night, and it felt good having him stay. I gained the intimacy I was waiting for with him Then, once my parents came home and I accidentally let it slip that I had him over, and my brother had his girlfriend over, my mom did not take it well.

 

What's confusing is this part. Originally she had said if I'm going to have my boyfriend over, and if my brother is going to have his girlfriend over, then we should work out between us who gets what night to spend with their bf/gf. I said that's fair, and figured it was okay to have him over. You would think right?

 

Well, mom turned the tables on us - and decided she didn't want both me and my brother to have our bf/gf spending the night in our house anymore. "We are not running a boarding house" was what she said. I was shocked to hear her say this, and said back to her, "I wasn't aware that we were." It can be taken quite literal when you hear things like this I understand, but I was still shocked to hear her say it. It was very hurtful, and almost made me feel like anyone who we bring as a guest is suddenly not welcome.

 

So now my brother and I have an agreement to not tell our parents if we are going to have our bf/gf over, we just won't say it. I know that keeping secrets can be interpreted as a bad thing, but my brother and I are on the same belief that if we want to have our bf/gfs over, we should be able to. We are both in our 20s, I'm soon to move out, and my brother will be going to college in the fall.

 

So fast forward to this weekend, which my parents were out to our lake house again, I had John over Friday night which was really nice again because it's hard to find time to see each other during the week. Then, Saturday night after visiting some friends, I went to his place - where he lives with his parents, and they were fine with having me over. I obviously could not tell my mom any of this because I know she would just be livid.

 

So now that I've told you all of this, set the stage so to speak, I can finally get to the issue I came to this evening with her. She does not want ANYONE - and I mean NOT ANYONE sleeping in the same bed with each other if they are staying at our house. This includes the lakehouse. Now the rule does not apply to my dad and her, or any married couple that would stay in our house of course. This coming weekend she'll be having some good family friends of ours to the lakehouse and I'll be joining of course, but she won't have any of the couples in relationships sleeping in the same bed.

 

Now, I can respect my mom's wishes, and I know where she's coming from. As a mature adult, I could see it would be a thing on the mind for her if she knew people were sleeping together. "We're not running a boarding house" also could be said something like, "I don't like people sleeping in the same bed with each other while they are in my house". Makes her feel like she's running an open house where people are allowed to sleep with each other for free almost.

 

I'm not quite sure what to do here. I want to respect her, I want to let her know I appreciate the moral code she upholds, but I do find it rather uncomfortable and hurtful almost to feel as if my boyfriend is not welcome in her eye if we were to share the same room together.

 

What do I do? Please help.

[jjkk]

It's their house, their rules. If they don't want your bf sleeping over, don't have him sleep over. When you move out you can do that.

 

I know it may feel kind of crappy since you're a grown woman but it's their house and you have to respect their wishes and rules.

[t1lersm0m1]

Unfortunately, nothing. It's her house and you must respect her wishes. Once you have your own apartment in August you can let him sleep over.

[t1lersm0m1]

Lol I must have still been reading when you replied.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, this one is really easy. While you live in your parents home, you and the bf work out other arrangements other than sleeping over at your parents.

 

That's the thing too when you are in your twenties and up and staying for however long at a parents home. It is their home; it is not the same as when you are growing up, and it is your house too, because you are little and your parents are responsible for you. Now you are a grown woman who is responsible for putting a roof over your own head. So if your parents are kind enough to open up the home and offer so much of it to you, as a warm safe place that is like a home to you, as a grown up - then you are super lucky.

[Seraphim]

When you have your own place it will be your rules but in their house it is their rules. Before my husband and I married his parents allowed NO sleeping on the same floor of the house never mind same bed. Whoever pays for the roof over your head makes the rules.

[journeynow]

 

Now, I can respect my mom's wishes, and I know where she's coming from....

 

That's what you do, you respect your mom's wishes. And yes, not sharing a bed means the he is not welcome to share the same room overnight. If you were married, her feelings might be different. You being uncomfortable with her rules is besides the point and bringing it up would not be the mature way to deal with it. No doubt you have good reason for returning home to get your feet under you, but by choosing to do so you gave up some independence. It's just the way it is.

[catfeeder]

Respect the wishes of the woman who owns the home extended to you until August, and either sleep in separate parts of the house or book your own room at the no-tell-motel and enjoy yourself.

 

This is not a big deal. The only thing that magnifies it is your sense of entitlement. I'd drop that unless you're not interested in preserving a good relationship with your Mom.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sorry, but I'm with your Mom on this one. When I and/or any of my siblings were living at home, my parents always made it be known that their home is not a hotel...end of story. As others have said, it's their home, their rules.

[LoveSoDeep]

Yeah my parents are the same way. Once my dad's father and his soon to be wife were visiting from out of town and they had to have separate beds or stay at a hotel. It seems silly but it is their house so you need to respect their rules. In Aug when you have your own place you can do whatever you want. Till then play by her rules.

[Iggles]

Respect the wishes of the woman who owns the home extended to you until August, and either sleep in separate parts of the house or book your own room at the no-tell-motel and enjoy yourself.

 

Yep!

 

OP, your boyfriend is welcomed at the lake house. However, your mother isn't going to treat you two like a married couple. As you've shared, you two only just decided to be official and are nowhere close to marriage -- let alone being a longterm couple.

 

Respect her wishes and in August you can have him over at your apartment. If you want to share a room other times, either go to his house (since his parents don't care) or rent a hotel room.

 

You won't get your mom to come around to your point of view.

[Savannian27]

Thank you all very much. I appreciate the respect that's in play here, and I was thinking the same thing myself - while in her house, play by the rules. And the entitlement - I know I definitely have had that in me since I was little, so that's all news I just need hearing every time and again.

 

Thank you all!

[Thisisstrange]

Unfortunately there's not much you can do. Just wait it out until August. Can you stay at his a few nights?

I have sort of the opposite problem. My boyfriend's mum loves having everyone around but the downside is we don't get much privacy. There's about 8 people in their house.