A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased

[treesandbees]

Wish you were here with your arms wrapped around hugging me when I feel sad and lonely, the people who are here don't care about me or love me the way you did, I'd rather be with you then here anymore xx

[IAmFCA]

Dear mom, we are getting by, doing better, still trying to learn the things you taught us. Your husband is amazing. I get it. Who he was when we were kids must have been so off-putting. Now, we can see a bit like he was when he was falling in love with you. He is so caring and pro active and well meaning and principled. I am certain you met nobody like him, and were compelled to marry him flaws and all.

 

That mugging story is crazy.

 

Mom, one of my friends just got there. He is brash and boisterous, and maybe not who you'd seek out normally. He is good peeps, mom. He helped me bitd, he saw in me something different, something like gifted in what I do. He supported his sib when his father wouldn't. He is fierce about his friends and his family. I don't know why - is there a why? - he brought himself there. I'd really like you to meet. He'd love one of your sweet lunches. He would enjoy your company like a cat takes to cat nip. Would you mind making him a sandwich and a chocolate milk, if that makes any sense? Tell him please how I've never forgotten, tell him Mike loves him, tell him we are still a team.

 

I love you, mom. I am getting closer to what you both were hoping I'd be about 30 years ago. It's a good place to be. I don't care much how long it took me to get here. You taught me to learn from the trip.

 

I'm scared, mom. I thought I was okay. I'm not. I'm scared. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Every day I have with dad is bwtter than the day before. What you taught him... It's coming to fruition. You'd be so pleased. He'd never have gotten here if you were here the old way. He knew you did the job, and he figured he'd never compete. He didn't see we needed you both, and now we have you both.

 

You know, you're right. I've always had him and always will. Also, there's no way to go backwards. I can't show 5 decades of life into now, get enough of dad in some retroactive magical.way.

 

So, time to appreciate what I have.

 

Gosh I miss you.

 

How am I ever going to be ready? I'm not. I mean, for you, you were in pain, you were ready. Of course you can have anything from us you want. We would give you anything. Your husband is vital, no indication of transition. You can have him, if you need him, but in truth, may we keep him please? I know I'm asking you to wait, to wait a long time. A really long time. Mom, we are enjoying his company. It's crazy. I didn't even talk to him, do you remember that? And now, we just prattled on. I got to buy him dinner! He was happy with my choices!-

 

Sigh. Ok. I'll stop.

 

Thank you, Mom. I can smell you, just now. I am going to let you love me as I fall asleep. Thank you.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you, Mom. I feel ready to rejoin the living today, as I really wasn't here in recent weeks. You were right, you get up, and you do what needs to be done. And you made sure my friend told me what I needed to hear, and reminded me what my father stands for, how he would expect me to keep focused on my work. It's what he wants for me, even as he knows as a team that we have saved his life. (Again)

 

I will do right by you. I had forgotten your guidance. Its always good when I come home to you!

[IAmFCA]

Thank you, Mom. I feel ready to rejoin the living today, as I really wasn't here in recent weeks. You were right, you get up, and you do what needs to be done. And you made sure my friend told me what I needed to hear, and reminded me what my father stands for, how he would expect me to keep focused on my work. It's what he wants for me, even as he knows as a team that we have saved his life. (Again)

 

I will do right by you. I had forgotten your guidance. Its always good when I come home to you!

[IAmFCA]

Hi Mom.

 

I'm exhausted. How did you do it?

 

I think I have to deliver my campaign speech and stand with my god daughter in two different cities at the same time.

 

I have no idea about this whole guy thing. Until someone paints a sign and hangs it over my eyes, I'll assume nothing and give extra credence to no one.

 

It's appropriate given what's on my plate.

 

You've been looking after the one, thank you. I think we can let him swim on his own now, do you? I know, still needs you. I know. I can't tell, mom, if he is interested in advancing beyond where he is now. It's up to you. I've released him.

 

The lightning and thunder are very close together, and it sounds like the sky is ripping apart. Now, horns. Maybe something fell down. Remember the old house, huddling on your bed and watching the storm through your window? I liked the dove brown of that one wall, it comforted me. We played parcheesi.

 

You were the best, mom. Failed at silly life things, sometimes. Home run at love things. For all of the strengths we could not see, look at your man now. Impressive! I am learning from him, mom. After all, I see why you chose as you did - principals over skills, ethics over patience. A daring choice for the ages.

 

Thank you mom.

 

I'd like to hear from my friend, and yet I know I will and when isn't relevant.

 

Time for tea and cozies.

[IAmFCA]

Wow, mom. Thank you. I thought you might have a soft spot for the addled one. Something about him reminds me of you, the part of you that can't be bought. That doesn't even want to be sold.

 

It grows, mom. It grows, and I do nothing to aid or abet. It just, grows.

 

I'll keep living my life, as I will need to do that even if, and even if not.

 

My parents taught me values. Aren't I the lucky one.

[treesandbees]

What am I supposed to do with what I know? Can't just bin it, I physically/emotionally store pain... nothing gets thrown out. Wish I could lay across your lap, have you brush my hair with your fingers and just silently rest there for an hour. xx

[Capttrae]

Hey Granny, Happy Mother Day. I love u and miss u. Tell Bruce and Aunt Dud I said hello. Love all of y'all.

Bruce, you'd love Coal he's a mess. He likes to ride the truck and my Polaris just as much as Lady did.

[IAmFCA]

Mom,

 

He flies. He says, get the stories. Marvels at the hours in the log book. He is thirsty for hours. I made a rule. He respected it. Respected it! Miss Y said, out of nowhere. This is out of nowhere.

 

I'm just saying. Dang it will they be able to meet? I wonder. Dad / MOG / checked himself.

 

Also, why can't I sleep anymore? Ever?

 

I'll try running. Your son needs that too, yes? So, as we have the same affliction, I'll evaluate the sleep after the running.

 

I love you, mom. You made my kids what they are today, that's you. I hope you know that.

[RainyCoast]

i had a dream a few months ago. patient S seemed unwell. my shift was ending, i brought it up, nobody else noticed. said he was perfectly fine. funny how everyone always seems fine to them and when they kill themselves they're all like there were no warning signs, noone could've seen it coming. smh. criminal. i could've sworn something was off. i got home, S on my mind, figured i'd pray for whatever it was to be washed away. they don't need more on their plates. hit the couch and before i even started the prayer...i was out... and i saw a transparent likeness of S restlessly pacing my room, the room felt crowded with restless ghosts- not evil ones, no- just restless. i was thinking keep it down you guys i'm sooo tired i just need a nap and then remembered- i said i would pray. so still alseep, i prayed for him. the movement in the room seemed to be slowly coming to a halt as i prayed, the atmosphere clearing up, it felt like they were gone. and then i saw you, relaxed, sitting next to me. and you said "one time, S didn't see me and almost sat on me. i wonder....if you can see them...perhaps you can see me too?".

He is fine for now, btw. you probably see that.

 

 

 

i keep crying like a kid for you. i just really need to believe you are here with me now. i never thought i would feel so helpless on my own. i never used to before. i feel horrible for P too and miss him so much. and still mourn that Chris wasn't given what he needed. and rtill resent it somewhat that i wasn't allowed to be there. they really did him in cruelly.

 

i don't want to be like this. i want this washed away too. and then i want to overflow whatever good i possess. i know i have a purpose, i know it has great effects. i should not be stuck like this. i need to get back in the saddle somehow.

 

the town is ablaze with summer. coffee and cicadas. except i can't take it in. when the ice hit my glass and the heat was pressing against the windowpane and i heard the tourists and...you would've been here just two years ago. i am miserable- and hate myself for it. i shouldn't be like this but why can't i help it? i'd been doing so well and then...bam..again...this can't keep happening.

my blood work came back horrible.

 

i've been too hard on P. i feel grateful. to him, you, everyone, everything. and so unworthy of it all. i should get furious or something.

 

hug nonna for me. i love you two so much. and everyone. and everything. i hope it stays engraved somewhere somehow, eternally, that love, even when i can't actively and effectively give it. i just don't want to count on that alone.

 

i'll try to pull myself together and go see Eph today. he shouldn't have to wonder whether someone is there with him.

[RainyCoast]

it should've been me. i still feel that.

 

what must you be thinking, knowing it all now. this is me mum. but you knew, didn't you. i think you did.

 

it drags on endlessly, right? well. as long as it ends. that's all i got.

 

it's one of those nights. that rubs your face in the picture of it all and refuses to let go.

 

i saw a woman rolling her suitcase along the quay today, she was walking towards our street. just like you did. there are hundreds of them doing the same thing, it shouldn't hurt like this.

 

i am very grateful that you are free though. i really am.

[RainyCoast]

hey, mum! i don't what happened but...today took an unexpected turn. i woke up and something just shifted inside my head. i though to myself with a mischievious inner snicker that i'm flipping the tables on this pathetic mood. it was an almost playful defiance! i sure hope it lasts. whether it's the stupid pills, the prayers, you, the talking cure, the course...i dunno but something worked. next, i want to amp it up. you know what i need to do. i was thinking last night..about that dreadful interval between knowing and doing...and about the ways we learn. i remember i waited for the situation to extort the right action out of me...and though god no, not again. and remembered everything about every one of those intervals in detail. yes, i'm going to name this selfsabotage "The Interval" (i like how the name implies a transience, an end and not an indefinite habit of self-impoverishment). and i though duh, what an old, boring story. i want something new. and i didn't care whether it'd be pleasant or not, i'm craving a psychological novelty!

 

i'm filled with excitement today, a calm but alert curiosity and contentment in the sudden realization that one can do and survive anything with an unexpected jollity.

 

even if tomorrow is much worse than today- i am grateful for this inner shift. for whatever bridged the gap between knowing and feeling. i look forward to bridging the one to doing as well.

 

p.s. the new toploader is great! let's hope our flooding curse has ended

[RainyCoast]

mum, i'm going out to get part1 of mission moving forward even if it kills me done as soon as my hair dries. send support, i'm worried about the outcome. keep an eye on Mary, she's off to London in the morning. she prayed for me on her trip to poland. burdens lift every time she does that, i just wonder if this one can be lifetd like that. i hope i have guidance and help and rock hard faith and endurance to carry it.

however things go, i must remember they don't define me and that there is a way even when there seems none. i pray to see it.

i'm going to have to talk about what happened with you soon again. i've been practicing, and can't do it without crying. i will keep practicing, i have extra time now that i can't fall alseep from the meds.

 

i'm not over you one bit.

[IAmFCA]

Happy birthday Mom. I miss you and love you and am grateful for you always.

[IAmFCA]

Mom,

 

I thought I had cancer.

 

Now, I think those symptoms were related to hormones, not to cancer.

 

I am not sure, Mom, what it means to martyr oneself, but you did. That is not a good thing. The way you two loved each other was both beautiful and undesirable. I want something different. It is hard to find. Maybe it is hard to find because I don't know what it looks like.

 

In the meantime, Mom, I am making myself go to the doctor. I am learning not to be a martyr, but it is hard. I still give more than I can afford. I am hard on my eldest, Mom, when she drives the ball halfway down the field and then gets into something social instead. Yet I do this all the time.

 

Mom, thank you for loving me. Sometimes, that is all I have, the gift that you gave us, that we were loved no matter what. Dad didn't give us that, and it hurt all of us - he thought your love was enough. Imagine if we had not gotten it from you? I don't know how you did it.

 

I am hurting myself right now. Anxiety, distraction, I am overwhelmed. I am about to fix it. I will love myself through this bumpy time. You would tell me to just DO IT. OK.

 

Thank you, Mom, for teaching me the power of faith without requiring the stricture of dogma.

[RainyCoast]

what do i do about this M situation? i mean, i really really want to do whatever would be absolutely right. snow-white. whatever the comeback. i just...have no clue what course of action to take here, whether to just do nothing and then handle whatever happens with zero frustation? i seriously really totally want to do whatever's right as opposed to ego friendly or reactionary or whatever. any idea mum? could use a hint. we should have one of those maps like in video games where it shows you the maze and a bright fluorescent dot marking the hallway where you should start. wandering where the entry point is is all.

 

but i remember that line, wherever you are is the entry point.

[Dion83]

Denny, it's been 8 months since youleft us, and we're all still hurting so much. Your kids are doing so great, and we see them every weekend. They remind us of you every time, C is tall like you and L is cheeky just as you was.

 

I'm still in this job but I'm trying and striving to finish my course, for you as much as myself. We're going to take the kids on holiday this year too.

 

I messed things up with a other girl again, this is one I thought was the one, she really liked you, and she loves the kids. I couldn't handle you going and still can't and that has pushed her and I apart.

 

I miss you so much, but I talk to you everyday.

 

I love you little brother ... More than I ever showed.

[Vanishing Girl]

You're #3 in our group of 6 to die and it was just a year ago you lost your sister (and one of my best friends since I was just a girl). I can't help but think you set out to destroy yourself (at a quickened rate especially) after she passed.

 

You were my first love. I felt so loved and cared for and held gently....You treated me right at first, but jail changed you. And when HE was no longer there to protect me you didn't care what you took from me or how. You hurt me.

 

I agonized over you for 2 years after that.

 

Just 5 months after my Mom left this earth and I am sitting here sobbing at your death. Because of our other friends who also took their life with heroin. Because I'm leaving the place we called our hometown right now with my own son.

And because it's also where I spent the best times of my life with Mom. You make me remember all that pain and pleasure. I hope you're at peace.

 

I know tomorrow morning when I wake up to warm snuggles and kisses and "yay you're awake, I love you Mommy" it's going to put a smile on my face and affection and gratitude in my heart.

[IAmFCA]

Mom. Many big topics that one might think I'd write about.

 

Right now, I am anxious and not effective at doing my work. Hold me, tell me to go get it done, and tell me we will go get sundaes later.

 

K.

 

Thanks.

[IAmFCA]

Mom. Many big topics that one might think I'd write about.

 

Right now, I am anxious and not effective at doing my work. Hold me, tell me to go get it done, and tell me we will go get sundaes later.

 

K.

 

Thanks.

 

Thank you. It's helping.

 

Now, I have the best job I've ever asked of you. Look after my c while she's away? It's 9 months where I don't know anyone or anything and can't help her at all. She's ready, she doesn't need me. We always need you, though.

 

Thank you.

[RainyCoast]

mum!!!! i have sooo much to tell you! and never get around to putting it all down, although i left you several pages in the orange practice notebook.

 

i'm on turbo mode, i have forensics and schema coming up and i really really want to pass. i do get everything done but it's a circus. i'm making up for those two years back then...making it up to you, to me mostly. learning that i can steer it.

 

e.p. is driving me whack. never seen anything such in my life. but. mum. i dreamt it, a while ago. he lead me to the bathroom and handed me a cloth (yes. i know. lol.) and pointed at the bathroom mirror. it was murky, foggy, dirty, dusty, i could barely see my own reflection in it. i took the first swipe at it and my likeness began to show in it. you understand mum? curtain upon curtain pulled aside along the labirinth to my own centre. he makes me wash the mirror clean, until i behold myself in it. i know how much i want and need that. it's like with you. the riddles that dislose me. oh, and he gives the most hilarious italian lessons in the car when he's dropping me off at salvatore's. i HAVE to tell you about Salvatore, did you read the notes?

 

how furious can i realy get. i'll be chanting the last chant on his deathbed and playing at his grave.

 

always the same old. but i asked for this specifically. so i won't frown.

 

i've been titrating eph since april, we're on the perfect dose and he's doing great and i'm so relieved. he is starting to feel better about his mum too. his brother annoys me though. perhaps another time.

 

seeing meri tomorrow, m2 is at it again and she called for "mediation" lol. i'll settle it. the old snake doesn't scare me. bet we'll have a laugh too.

 

i'm off for now mum, another chapter and then i'll try to wrap it up. i'm getting my answers mum, in little easily digestible pieces. that's good, there's a plan and we're right on the plan, right?

 

i love you. SO much. i'll learn to be safe and confident and relaxed and at peace. i have so much gratitude, daily. i want you to know, however hard times get, i am blessed with a kindness i can't name, but know for a fact to be present and active and attentive. that is, perhaps, all i wanted. and to grow to be like that myself.

 

all is good mum. don't worry. do you get to see christian? hug my sweet kiddo tight for me. i see his smile so often still. it meant a lot, because he never smiled at them. i was allowed to stand on the boarder. may i always remember to do my best to live up to the trust placed in me. little chris. give him lots of smiles mum.

[RainyCoast]

p.s.

 

darko has been following me from room to room as i study. he still plays the arrooo game every night. remember how that started? you were spaced out on your pain pump and asked "so what were you in your past life darko? oh, wait, i think i know, you lead the caravans through the desert, didn't you?". never has he answered anyone vocally before. and so loudly, humorously, and with such emphasis, a human could not have been so expressive.

 

i wonder sometimes, whether he remembers you. but i imagine sharing the clear cloud of his thoughts, however weird that sounds, and i think he does. the park and river behind the house, the hospital parking lot, the pastry chef from his morning walks, his toy, his orange rug, sitting by your bed, picking me up. and waking with me in the wicker chair every night after the burial. arooo. he does.

 

a little while longer and we'll watch the ships sail out. me and you in your crazy hat. Mj will take it from there.you will trust him. you trust him already, i sense. i trust him.

 

will nonna come let me know before the next challenge? or will they send the birds again. i mean i shouldn't rely on that, but a cue would be nice, if possible. only to gather my strenghts. i have learned how to do it, i think.

 

right. my chapter! luv!

[Vanishing Girl]

Mom,

I've been wanting to call you the last two days like crazy. First, to tell you the funny things A did at the beach and the discoveries I made about Auntie. I wonder if you already knew though.

Second, I wanted to ask you questions only you can confirm or deny.

It felt sad and warm to spend time in the places (and with the people) you loved most, and where we spent together. I'm sorry I took you for granted. You and Bowie in same year. Both 69. What a pity!

 

Thanks for your presence at the beach and for pushing me to go past my comfort zone. It felt lovely swimming in the salty waves.

 

Until we meet again,

Your Mom's pip squeak

[elliesays99]

Dear D

I miss you beyond words. I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I feel, but lately it hurts more than usual. I just wish I could speak to you one last time and tell you all the things I kept inside for "next time" or "a different day". I knew you were struggling and you were very sick I just never thought you'd actually be gone. I kept saying that my worst fear was that you'd die before I got to meet you, I don't know why I just never believed that would happen and I'm really sorry. I see you in everything I do. You don't know how much of an impact you made on me, in life and in death. I became a bone marrow donor a few months ago, because of you.. a lot of people have since you've been gone.. I hope you know that and you're smiling down on us. I know that you're proud of us, and proud that were keeping your legacy alive and doing what you always wanted to do.. help others. I don't know how to not be angry D, I'm so angry that it was you and that you had to go so young.. I'm angry that you weren't allowed a chance to change the world like I know you would've, I'm so incredibly mad at myself for all the things I didn't do when you were here and I don't know how to get over it. I've never had this happen to me, and I'm struggling. I can feel you around though, I see the signs, I know you were there when I finally came to visit you and I thank you so much for the one particular sign you sent me, that I told you about.. you don't know how that has helped and impacted me to this day. Anyways I just wanted to say hi, and I miss you so much. Talk to you soon D, love you.

[treesandbees]

I looked at the pictures of me with you dressed as a little bride, it might be the only time I look that way least I have that photo of you and I, because if I ever do marry you can only be alongside me in spirit and that upsets me. xx Also, you know about him, right? Unfair.