A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased

[pippy longstocking]

my beautiful bunny rabbit has just died in my arms

[pippy longstocking]

Sorry I just saw I put that ^^^^^ here in the midst of everyones grief , I think I thought I was in the pet section .

[mhowe]

I miss you...

[IAmFCA]

my beautiful bunny rabbit has just died in my arms

 

Sad to hear it though. Nice you were able to comfort the bunny on its passage.

[Cheetarah]

Can you send some earthly help this way for me? Put a good word in someone's ear, maybe? I don't want to go down the path that you did. And I know you don't want that, either.

 

I'm going to dream of you tonight, I know it. I can feel your presence very strongly today. Thank you.

[IAmFCA]

Mommmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!

 

Here is the thing. I know you would like him just the way he is. So do I. But not right now.

 

Maybe he is leaving me alone so he can be a gentleman about it. Or maybe he is waiting for court tomorrow to find out what his ensuing schedule will look like. Or... maybe I will never speak to him again. All outcomes are okay, Mom, because I am okay.

 

But really, Mom, can you please make this right. Pleeeeaaaaassssseeeee? Army guy and tall guy both seem nice enough and stable and athletic and all that. Not sure any have the energy level, and you always noted how few had the energy level and the values... it isn't as though I don't get attention, nor that people are interchangeable, and it isn't as though I think this is my last shot at it. I know I am happy I know I will love over and over because you gave me that gift.

 

This one is like one of your own. He is. It is uncanny. His mom is there too, perhaps you've met. Maybe the two of you together can intervene? Not even on my behalf, but on his? Help him see the way. Or maybe the two of you are trying to teach us something? Please, if you could please help out down here, one of us is drowning and the other one is losing a playmate. He is in pain, Mom, and he shares your natural playful twinkle in the eyes and Dad's entrepreneurial bend, and a dedication to provide for his family. He doesn't have his mom as a centering force, and his dad gives counsel but it isn't the same. Just like Dad, his Dad accidentally communicated that his love was predicated on performance. Of course it is unconditional. You know this drill Mom, you've been through it a few times. He thinks he is losing faith in God, hasn't been to church since Christmas, refuses to talk with the Monsignor because the Monsignor is socially prominent. Just like you said, too much involved in Earthly matters. His faith is there, somewhere.

 

Mom, this is your strong suit. You've got this one. May I please entrust him to your care? He reminds me of your brother, your nephew, you son, he is one of us. Even if I never talk to him again, it remains as if he fell off of our family tree. Please fix with your peaceful heart, Mom. Let him know his trials are okay, that they will lead somewhere, if he will yield to the lessons. So many lessons, you will need to walk with him for a while.

 

It worked with me, Mom.

 

We can talk it out, if you want, over Scrabble and ice cream later. Or not, it really isn't my business after I introduce you.

 

Thank you thank you thank you. I feel there is a reward here, a spiritual payoff. One more person in chaos restored to order.

 

Thank you Mom.

[mhowe]

Hey mum...we had an argument last night. Kinda big. Like the 3rd time I have been that angry with him. I yelled, and then shut down. He hates it when I yell...but what he did was thoughtless.

 

But guess what? He isn't Dad. He apologized today when we had both cooled off and he admitted he was wrong.

 

Did you help him see that? He said he couldn't sleep last night. I slept like a baby and woke up angry. I HATE being that angry but I refuse to be discounted.

[Cheetarah]

Thanks for the help. It was sent all at once.

 

Even though we never saw any baby pictures of you, we all imagine that your grandson looked like you as a baby. As I look just like you. And he looks a lot like me.

 

Sorry I never put Christmas decorations on your grave. I don't know why I didn't, and why I haven't gone back since November. I know you liked that tacky stuff, so I heard. I should visit you again. And then we will visit the babies and leave them gifts again.

 

He looks over my shoulder all the time and smiles. There's nothing there. Sometimes he says 'hey, guy!'. And giggles for no reason that I can figure out. Maybe it's his imaginary friend. Or maybe it's you. If it's you, feel free to hang out for awhile. Whatever it is, it tickles him to no end.

[IAmFCA]

Hi Mom. Remember the one who wanted me to go abroad, and after we broke up, you beat me in tennis by saying his name gently? lol that was so you and so very effective, and funny too. Nobody ever was like that again, ever. And he wasn't for me, too unrooted whereas I wanted roots. Now, its the same, only with roots. I think I am supposed to walk away, Mom, I think that is the wisdom here. But my everything tells me, no, this is right. That three years from now, this will be exactly right, and that I may as well enjoy the journey there, together. Keep working on that stupid little brain of his please, the one that aced the SATs but can't think his way to see my POV. Its funny... yeah so he's got this other friend. Uh huh. When he thought I was receptive, he began texting me like I was always connected, the same as when we were dating. Little bits of joy about his day. Confessions. We agreed early that we liked keeping an unbroken thread. I am still home.

 

Get some sense into that head of his, will you?

 

I've asked easier things of you, I know. But you loved a slew of hard heads, so I have faith in you. xo

[treesandbees]

I wish you would have said sorry before you went or somehow acknowledged things but you didn't not in the slightest, it's okay I loved you even if you didn't love me as much, maybe you only had room to love one and that one wasn't me... I tried, when I go and it's my time I know I tried I hope I see you again.

[IAmFCA]

Mom,

 

You love me!

 

Thank you,

 

I

[treesandbees]

Some weird things are happening again, is that you doing it? Wish you'd be able to show yourself somehow, not just these little occurrances. xxoo

[treesandbees]

I looked out and saw a robin starring at me, I want to think it was you, giving me a sweet lil nod hello. xxoo

[treesandbees]

I prayed for you to help me, I then felt sad when nothing happened , well nothing good happened as you know, only something bad. I don't want to lose faith, but ... It's nice today so trying to spend more of my time outside until exhausted. xx

[Cheetarah]

Dad, I've never really been much of a spiritual person. Well, I've certainly never been religious, at least. Spiritual...I think in my own way, perhaps. And because it is in my 'own way' I never knew what to call it. I don't have to call it anything, do I?

 

But because of my long held beliefs about myself and spirituality, I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I am writing to you on a forum. That I talk to you, in my head and out loud. And there's nothing desperate about it anymore. I don't so desperately need answers from you anymore. I talk to you conversationally, rather than begging you for answers as I had for at least 2 decades. It's not about answer seeking anymore. It's just about talking to you. Conversationally, somewhat like I would a friend or my mom. It is so natural, yet to me because I'm not seeking anything in particular, it FEELS unnatural. I guess it is an internal battle with what I feel I believe, and have believed - And what I actually believe now. It seemed more 'natural' to plead for answers, because to me it wasn't open-ended attempt. But everything I have been doing, over this last 6, 8, 10 months - Well it's been that. Well...I guess I would have a hard time with this. I mean, when you think or believe a particular way for many years and then you make a slow shift...It's a little upsetting to the equilibrium.

 

So I say...Who cares. Does it matter? Do I have to analyze EVERYTHING until I've exhausted myself? The last 3 years have shown me just how exhausting and counter productive that is. I didn't ever really realize there was an option for choosing peace. I think my one situation I'm dealing with is a little more complex with that, because I can't seem to control how my brain fires off at random times. But other things, like this for example...Yes. It's an option. And it's made to sound so simple and natural, and easy. It isn't, until you are ready for it to be. And then it is. And look at how I just oversimplified it. But it really is that way! I always think of what my friend said, about how people will reach resolution on their own time. No one else's. And everyone's journey to that is individual. Some of us take longer than others. Some of us ask way too many questions that do little else than serve as a barrier. The questions are no longer bred of real curiosity, but of a subconscious barrier. And maybe an outsider sees that long before we do. Usually they do. And the outsider can do nothing but just observe, and wait until you come to your own terms. Watch your own truths take shape, watch you struggle with them, conform and try to mold them to what you THINK you knew...Or you thought you were supposed to know. And just fight with yourself until one day, you say...I'm tired. This is just what I feel and maybe I'm just going to feel it. And to hell with 1,000 questions.

 

And that's when the peace comes. And it's marvelous. And of course, we want to question it. Who is this "peace" and what is it doing in my home? Lol. Dad...I ask too many questions for my own good sometimes.

 

So without question and analyzing, I want to tell you that I feel you here more now than I ever have in my life. I still want to know who my son is talking to. He goes in the corner of the yard every single time. He has a giant grin on his face and he's babbling, which he doesn't do anymore. He speaks clearly(well, to me..I'm sure others would need a toddler translator). But not then. And it's every time. I don't know what it is! Do you know how many times I have investigated this area? I'm thinking okay, is there a snake there...Is there some kind of bird I'm not seeing? What is so special about this corner?

 

Maybe time to stop asking. I feel you all the time. Outside. Always outside. In the house, no not really. But it would make sense, wouldn't it? You loved being outdoors. You would have lived in a forest if you could have. I have a very specific image of you in my head when I am out there. At times I think I see it, it's so powerful. Of course, I moved my head and nothing is there. But you are wearing some ratty looking grey pants. A dark grey tshirt, big one. Your belly is kind of flopping over the waistband(sorry - Just saying. That shirt isn't hiding anything). You simply stand there, observing. Always a smile. Always. A big, genuine smile. Even just recalling this feeling that I have when I am out there brings tears to my eyes. I can't identify the emotion, and I won't. Because I think some things are better left to just be. But you're not really looking at me. You're looking at my son. Your eyes follow him.

 

Right now, I am struggling not to call myself a lunatic for these things. Thinking okay, is this yet ANOTHER mental affliction I need to add to the list?

 

No questions for now. I'm here, I'm grounded in reality. No one is video taping me through a hole in the wall. My phone isn't bugged. Maybe I'm just not so deeply attached to my earthly self anymore.

[treesandbees]

I love you today as much as I ever did, will never change and will always talk to you even in public and out loud, no shame in that. xx

[Misskitty16]

I miss you and love you and I promise to take good care of the kitties. You know I love them as much as you do. I promise to try to be stronger - I know I have not been doing well. That is not what you would want.

[IAmFCA]

Hi Mom, Happy birthday, if that makes any sense. And it does, because look at the wonderful souls you created.

 

I feel kind of flat lately, but happier than ever. Joy is harder to find; that will come. I haven't been sailing and maybe I should be; feel like home needs more focus these days. You know that Mr. Wow would be pleased if I would use his boat all summer long but I am attenuating that connection, Mom. He needs you and that is why he needs me, but he hasn't earned me and he was right to let me go. The proceedings are said to be the issue, but they are not. It is his pain that is the issue, and he will have to travel his path without me.

 

Even still. You helped him when we spoke before, I could see it. I ask you to keep him under your wing, Mom, as he remains one of us even if he never earns family status. You would know and love him the same as you do your own five.

 

Thank you Mom

 

I celebrate you often, including on this day.

[mhowe]

For some reason, I was thinking of our last conversation, and how we spoke of forgiveness -- and you smiled and said "that's what this has all been about!" And then you reached up and stroked my face and told me you had always loved me...and then you went to sleep and never woke up again.

 

I miss you so much.

[RainyCoast]

They do have them here! Those blue butterflies! It just dawned on me. The botanical gardens at the white castle seen from our look out spot.

 

But seriously mum. What do I do now. I always just assumed you'd talk to me. I was absolutely certain you would. Maybe you can't. I thought you sent that prayer and that I felt your hand one night but...

 

I'm glad at least you're okay now. I know they're so happy to have you there. Tell them I'm grateful for that. I love you so, so, so......so much...

[treesandbees]

Sometimes I talk to you openly in public, especially when in gardens, parks and forget how it must look to others around me ( this chick is crazy lol ) but I like pretending you alongside me and not out of reach like you are and no one should ever judge how another deals with loss or hurt/pain.

[RainyCoast]

i miss you...i can't make peace with it really...i hate it that you're gone, i hate the way it happened, i hate what you've been through, i hate it that i feel like i'm letting you down for not accepting it and moving on and i hate it that i'm being so miserable about it because you must not like seeing that. i fear thinking about it because i just hit a block because i can't accept this for what it is. it isn't acceptable. not to me. i know i have to get there though....talk to me mum?

 

someone posted about loved ones coming for the departing people and....i still hope you can do what i asked of you....keep the porch light on so i can find my way Home...and when it's my time one day...you absolutely HAVE to come for me, promise me!!!

 

i can't believe how much i want to hug you.

[IAmFCA]

Mom, dear sweet Mom, Moms, Momsy, Mopey, Mumpy, Mom

 

10 years. Ten years. How could it be?

 

I feel ready to, to open up a bit. I had more pain this year and it was like an exorcism. You have been hurting for me, Mom, and you have been holding my children's hearts among clouds and rainbows; there is no other explanation for their utter happiness. I love you, Mom. The gifts you have given us and continue to give us multiply even more than you hoped they would.

 

Please feel glad for me. I know no other way to learn than by driving into walls, reversing, hitting the wall at a new angle until finally I get past it. Don't hurt for me. Let your heart swell with joy for I have learned much, every lesson drawing me nearer to your example. The pain I have felt has been my teacher, the events the gifts that allowed me to reach for new heights befitting of your guidance. Don't feel pain for me, Mom. But you will, I know, because you see the inside that still hurts. Dad will hurt, Mom, I'm not ready. With you, I just wanted you to be comfortable and we weren't home for you anymore. I am glad your mom is with you, giving you decades of hugs you both missed previously.

 

Mom, I have a growing list of people I can feel are under your care. Mr Wow, thank you Mom. He needs you, his own Mom, of course. You know of unconditional love in a way his parents didn't, and the peace of you is what he seeks. He feels it within me, he knows your value. He knows what many people don't, the value of the intangible. Thank you, Mom. He needs you and I can feel your eye over him as he directs himself through recovery. My friend from that other spot, I don't know. Something is happening, he is changing. Is that you too? I don't know about that, I don't see him as inspiring your efforts. Maybe that's for me; if so, thank you. I do want for him that sensation that only our household offers.

 

Mostly, thank you for keeping my loved ones safe. Thank you for not judging me as my path pains you in its indulgence and meandering way. Thank you trusting me. And for not leaving me, but rather, using this change to help us differently. Visiting folks last year, well, the one. Wow. What you gave him... enormous.

 

So, on this day that comes shortly, I celebrate you. I live and play as if it's any other day, but in my heart, I honor you for the breath you breathed into so.many.

 

Still saving souls one by one, just like when you were here. You are gifted, Mom. Because of you, we still have Dad, at expense to your own health. I get it. You loved us, nothing could cause us to separate. It's dad's turn now. Again, the gifts, many and subtle and never with your name attached as the giver, because you didn't need us to validate your generosity. It was just who you were, are.

 

Thank you Mom. In 10 years, I've healed five years' worth. I think, now, I'll be okay.

 

I miss you like I imagine missing my lungs, or my skin. You are within me and yet without you, I am incomplete.

 

Love,

The one who scared you the most

The wild card

The cheerleader

The one who all and nobody in particular.

[Witch]

Dear Granny and Pop-Pop,

 

I wish I wasn't as naive as I was, I wish I didn't just assume you were going to be around forever. I never imagined a world without you two and now here I am, living it and trying to figure out how to move on. I don't want to. I want you both to know you were my everything, you were the parents I never had, you were my best friends, and my family. I would sell my soul to an eternity of torture and hell if it meant spending the rest of the life I got to live with you guys still around, I truly would. You were my happiness and my light and you were taken away from me just as I had started to get better.

 

I hope you aren't mad at me for leaving Mom, and I hope you guys understand why I had to leave her. I thought long and hard about advice you would give me if you were still around, and I hope I embraced your wisdom as how it truly was. Mom wasn't good for me and I know you guys know that and I know I promised to keep her on the right track and to take care of her for you guys but.. I couldn't. I couldn't do it anymore. I'm 22 now and I was suffocating under her abuse. I tried though, I tried for 6 years to help her and to keep her on the right track. To take care of her and to guide her the way you would have but I couldn't do it and I'm sorry. I know you guys passed the ball to me to lead the family that we have left, I know I know I know I just I can't. I want to live my life, I want to experience it, I want to grow and be as happy as you two were when I get old but I can't do that around Mom. Around Mom I want to kill myself, I want to stop existing, and I just want everything to end.

 

Mom has changed, a lot. I don't know if you've been watching lately or maybe you two are busy having the best afterlife there is to have, but Mom has changed and she's not the Mom she used to be. She's awful, toxic, malicious and full of hate and I've tried for 6 years to crack the code on how to accept her. How to live with her. Or how to make her better. But I can't do it anymore. I know you guys aren't mad at me, I know you would have told me to get out regardless but I just feel like I let you down. Mom needs to learn how to be an adult on her own now. Her entire life she depended on you guys and when you guys were gone she depend on me and I was only 15. But I did it, I made it this far but I'm 22 and I can't devote my life to someone who tears me down in the worst ways.

 

With that being said I'm excited to start my new life and to finally start mending all of the broken pieces that have came to be in my life. I want to live and be free, not for me but for you two as well. I want to be as happy as possible in my life, I want to be able to dream, to achieve, and to grow into an old woman who can tell her grandchildren she learned to be as free as the wind from her own grandparents. Everyday I see the things I do resemble you two, from how I move to how I interact with things around me. My thought process to how I articulate. I'm growing more and more like you guys and I could never be happier to be growing not from Mom but from you guys.

 

I miss you, whenever you get a vacation from your amazing afterlife visit me in my dreams sometime again. I'll be here.

 

 

Love always, forever, and eternity,

Kelly

[stalumfi]

Dear big sister,

 

It was your anniversary yesterday. Not even our mother got to see you when you were born - they took you away and buried you in an unmarked grave in a certain plot. That was how they dd it back then. Often I go to the graveyard - thankfully it's a nice, peaceful place, and the babies are treated with respect - and wander around and wonder exactly where you are. It troubles me that you are neglected, but it's because our mother still feels the trauma and can't face the idea of locating the grave and putting a marker there just yet. She is coming around to it, though. I think it won't be long.

 

Love you always. x