A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased

[boltnrun]

I'm not getting any better. I miss you so much. I just can't get through my head that I can no longer just drive to your house and see you. I feel like the only person left who loved me unconditionally is gone.

 

I know you don't want me to be like this, so I'm trying. But I still cry, and you know I NEVER cry. But I am now because you're not here.

 

I need to let you go, but I don't want to. And I know that's my fault. I guess holding on to the grief is my way of trying to keep you near.

 

I'm sorry...

[elliesays99]

Hi D,

happy birthday baby boy, you would have been 20 today!! that's really exciting. I'm not going to lie I'm really scared for today, lately it feels like I'm back at square one with you. I thought I was making such good progress but I guess not. I don't expect it to stop hurting, I just thought it would stop hurting so often but it's everyday, all the time, every second.. like you're holding my head underwater to get back at me for what I did to you and every time I'm close to the surface you push me in deeper. I feel really bad for telling you that because a part of me thinks you've forgiven me but a part of me thinks you're still mad and will never forgive me. I don't think I'm meant for these things.. really, I see everyone else and I know they're struggling too but I don't know how to carry myself like them.. like J, she's amazing by the way, and I am genuinely so glad you had her there for you. Typical me, making it about me when it's really your day. I wonder what you would have done in the 5 months you've been gone.. knowing you, you would've cured cancer and got rid of poverty by now. Something amazing thought obviously. Anyways, even though it's your birthday and I should be asking for anything.. could you please be here with me today? for a little while, come say hi while I'm sleeping or send me a sign.. it's going to be really hard, it already is. It's so hard. I love you, happy birthday.

[RainyCoast]

mum,dad, granps. i don't feel like talking tonight. just wanted to say hi.

 

Ms Ephraim's Mum. Please help. Please. Eph is unwell. i fear losing another. He craves to see or hear you or sense you, or know somehow that you are well, and that he matters, and that life matters, and that his and your pain has a purpose. i try to be helpful but please have someone guide me. i'm scared and i fear i will panic and just be useless to him when he needs me most. if it is time, i will accept it so. i sense it isn't though. also, i'm trying to figure out my exact role here. i still don't get it. i could use a clue if that's possible.

 

thanks for the assistance little chris. you are helping a lot of people with it. i know that's what you would've wanted. i'll try very hard to put it to a good use. if my family could send a good thought or two for empowerment, it might help. it has boiled down to a matter of confidence only. "only".

i think mb misses you also. i hope i can work things out with him. i can't believe he doesn't get how i really feel about him. i need to sort out at least that one other issue before though. if i can manage, you will be so happy. if i can push for a solution for the rest of them at V, you will love it. thank you for getting my deepest motivation and trusting me. hugs little sweetheart.

[RainyCoast]

okay, i know i said not tonight. but dad. what i did when you came home with the piano... i did it to mb. and myself. do you understand. the love supressed. do you. what now. i need to stop feeding these feelings. the piano was perfect. mb's warmth. was perfect. there must be a restorative process i can pull off. i have done so much already. i should be able to do it. trust in me dad. yeah, that's it. trust in me, i'll tell myself you do and we'll see how that goes.

[WithLove]

Mike --

 

I don't even know how to start this without getting teary-eyed yet. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. It's the first day that you haven't physically been on this Earth, so today is harder than the rest. I'll come back when I can write something good and not all over the place.

[IAmFCA]

Hi Mom.

 

It's a sad time down here, stuff you've seen before and surely hoped to never see again. I used to feel not white enough,though i didn't know that is what it was. I knew only that couldn't make myself look like other people looked.

 

I didn't have anything to discuss when i came here. More, the desire to sit down and visit. Maybe, you in your favorite chair, a pleasure because of course you were the last to claim it as your seat, always.

 

Mom, I got somewhere in myself that you have never seen, and i understand my brain in a way you never did. It would be a conversation that enhances and challenges choices you made s a parent, and maybe validate what you were challenged with.

 

You married and then made and raised a collection of crazy brains. Smart and ravenous, also walking in circles, constantly making life harder just to entertain ourselves. I don't know how you did it. I bet we all have had times when it seems like you were the only one who loved us that way you did, that deep unconditional commitment to us. And yet you never attached.

 

You nailed it, mom. You nailed it. I could not have been any more fortunate than I was in being yours.

 

I have asked you to look out for some people. Two are with you, including my friend R. I release you from looking out for one, who has drifted so far. He will come back to shore. God will find him, but he is now in darkness and lost, powerless. He has no faith on the God within, and has given over to cynicism, the vulgarity of trading soul for commerce. I'm sorry i demeaned you with such a lowly assignment. I thought maybe, just maybe.

 

Me, I don't know. I feel kinda good. Don't need a guy, mom. I know that pain, don't worry, I'll let someone find me. I'm kinda happy like it is. No moment sustains into the next; i know it will arrive right on time.

 

Thank you for loving me mom, all this time. Wish we could go hear the symphony together. In my heart, always a symphony for you. Or piano sonatas? Or those French trifles in staccato that made us laugh so hard our shoulders shook in silence? I love you Mom. You gifted me with a light some people never find their whole lives. All I had to do was keep dusting and polishing. You are in my children. Its beautiful to see you there, a light brighter than light itself.

 

Its hard to type with watery eyes! And its late. Thank you Mom. In every breath I take, a thank you.

[RainyCoast]

chris kiddo! just a quick hi and i love you munchkin!

[RainyCoast]

mum. dad. i'm scared about tomorrow. i wonder sometimes whether either of you have some kind of ultimate answer for it now, that's all.

 

i miss you. it affects things. it's no longer about who did what wrong. just a shift to acknowledging that we've really been deprived of something essential. it's depressing. i know it's the stepping stone to making up for that deprivation. just. wish it were a quicker, smoother passage. maybe it has to do with the fact i still suppress so much of the depressive response. but if i didn't i'm afraid i'd just spiral down. and it's like the reasons for trying keep fading, although i know they're not but it feels that way. it's just hard to muster up the will without a reason magnificent enough to justify the bother.

 

i'm sick and feverish and i wish i could sleep for a long time but i keep waking up lately.

 

jo was a B and i've not felt anger about it, or much anything more than a "whatever". so that's an improvement.

 

i dunno. i'm ashamed at how pathetic and infantile this is but i wish i could curl up next to you. i mean both of you. guess you're not incorporated in derrida's crypt anymore then, dad?

 

you two be good now.

[Ribbie99]

Dad,

 

Why did you have to die? I know that you protected Mom, K, and I by not dying at home and having one of us find you but...... damn. I have completely lost the past 7 years of my life...that's not your fault, it's all mine. I just can't seem to deal with you being gone. You were the best father any daughter would ever want. It's painful when I see J taking her Dad for granted or when she gives me some bull advice. Yea she wants to help but she has no idea how it feels to lose her Dad. You were 61....61 years YOUNG. So now I'm stuck in this hole and I can't get out. I wish you were here to talk with...I feel so alone. I love you, Pops.

[IAmFCA]

Mom,

 

I'm in your hands. All those people, so many. In some ways, it was harder for me to see through so many choices. You always respected my desire to test, shop, move on. Your mom was a special woman and she gave her gift to you.

 

I don't know and I don't have to know. I know that I will get to where I am going. I sometimes think I know who I will find there. I think the guy with a jet is bringing me business just for me. Well, he actually said that. But not so focused on family. The one who is family focused, well - he is doing what he ought to. And meanwhile, nobody is worth my time.

 

Isn't that the point? Investing in myself pays higher returns than investing in these selfish jokers? Lol mom he quoted Shakespeare wrong, and tried to duck my yes or no answer. That's not a gentleman. So, I'm in your hands.

 

Night.

[IAmFCA]

May 2014. Look, babe, I am owning it, its become my normal. I like my crush. He's more guarded than you were, even. If this doesn't work out, this trend might lead me to a monk who has taken a vow of silence.

 

Anyway. I miss you. I couldn't have been here without you nor arrived with you. I have integrity now that I lacked back then.

 

I hope you are comfortable.

[IAmFCA]

Mom. Its happening like I said. Starting to like less the moment- fillers and like more those with something else to do. This is Dad's nature, I think.

 

In any event, whatever it is, it is happening and it would make you happy. It starts within me. That always was your goal and your source of peace. ♡

[RainyCoast]

Everything i'm doing today, my imagination places back into the time and place i feel i most let you down. And it's accompanied by an inner commentary, recreated dialogue, words and actions which in retrospect seem mmore fitting. As if i'm giving myself a second chance of doing them right this time, to neutralize the endless guilt and self-criticism.

 

I don't know whether that's bad because it shows how tyrannized by an ideal self i am, how conditioned by your expectations and mine...

 

Or whether it's good as a form of rescription.

 

Let's say i won't make an evaluative judgement of it now...i know i need a healthier interaction with you, even if it's just an inner one. Also because how you and i related is how i relate to myself...and you'd agree it has to stop. I also am rolling with the process because while i can't go back in time to redeem myself, i can choose how i handle the same things this time around. True, i'm starting small...but we've been patient with me when i was doing way worse....

 

It's nice talking to you...with the relationship more candid,and without fear. At least...in my mind.....we can do it....without hurting each other.

[RainyCoast]

mum...momma...i'm going to give it another shot...i'm going to keep giving things another shot....i promise.

 

i woke up with that feeling of dread and worthlessness again...and then i had all these flashbacks...not the hardcore ones but you, critical and impatient...i'm sorry, i know you wouldn't want that, but it just intrudes at times. i know what it means and how to handle it so it's not scary, okay? so i'm going to work on that again. it wasn't overwhelming and it didn't last long and maybe it actually helped in a way as it had me decide i'm putting all my forces into doing better...i didn't decide that so that you would be happy with me, i know you don't want that. i was just fed up with myself. and the fact that i could be doing SO much more, so much better, with better results. there's always a period of wallowing and self-loathing with me...and then a sudden spiteful surge of "enough!". if you could...but only if it's possible, please don't be too bothered with it, rest and enjoy now, i can handle things okay...but if it isn't difficult, if you could send a bit of empowerment my way so that i don't lose my momentum now that would be so appreciated. i'm going to work on my end, starting with lots of faith and not allowing any kind of sabotage. how does that sound?

 

i so wish i could pack my bag and come see you for the holidays. i had that inner talk with you again, and caught myself daydreaming about packing and going home for the holidays. home. mum. holidays.

 

but this kind of missing....missing that which i was with you, or regretting that which i was with you...it seems a selfish way to grieve and miss. i would rather it were limited to missing you the way you were, the way you directed the life flowing through you and your reasons for that...because that is what leaves me at awe with you...i get stuck on the fact that i need to be able to make sense of something to accept it and if the "sense", the reason, the lesson is that i have the power to help how things turn out for me and others because i have seen just how much of a difference that makes...if that is the "sense" it makes it harder to accept things because i feel like i had failed miserably at that in the past year. i want to make it better and i know how, and i'm just so afraid of anne and mb.

 

 

i dreamt about anne. that she asked how i was and instead of the usual pretending i just said with a defeated expression i was unwell. i felt an owerwhelming sadness as i said it, i felt the sadness so fully as it is rarely felt in a dream, like the time i cried in the dream that was completely black, with no imagery, just the full experience of missing you. she said nothing in response other than "well. isn't that better than the perpetual oh i'm great thanks when everyone clearly knows you aren't?". and that is really all it would take for me. to be able to say it without her trying to stunt me, enclose me in my smallness so that i am the "case" she proves herself on...funny i have had no problem grasping, accepting and practicing containment whereby one gives the contained contents back in a form more acceptable to the distressed party, but i have apparently neglected containment in and of itself. "i am unwell". "okay". lol. there's something to it. to not alter it, to not insist it be metabolized, reshaped, or even put to use. "you are unwell". reminds me of the "plop" Rogers joke:

 

client: i feel terrible.

rogers: you feel terrible.

client: i really feel terrible.

rogers: you really feel terrible.

client: for two cents i'd jump out that window.

rogers: for two cents you'd jump out that window.

client: (getting up and going to the window) here i go!

rogers: (getting up and going to the window) there you go!

another line was apparently added later. the client hits the ground with a plop sound.

rogers: plop.

 

...i forgot where i was going with this mum. definitely not out the window lol. in reality, there seems to happen a shift at the moment "you really feel terrible" is stated as a fact, just the doing away with the repression to allow for the free flow of energy that one can direct to a constructive cause, provided they haven't lost the cause and can only "direct" themselves onto a concrete floor. the fact that i don't want to do that i guess proves i haven't let the cause die. i shoud start the journal thing, shouldn't i. and the to-do list of challenges. oh, and tell me cleaning obsessively isn't getting my life in order. ugh.

 

i feel better already tbh. thank you for containing this. and not trying to fix me. it makes it a lot easier to go about fixing myself somehow. maybe that's what i offered myself in the anne dream and that's why i had the "enough!" moment upon waking.

 

i've completely stopped the emotional eating thing, it wasn't even difficult. it's been a month or so now and i don't feel like i need to stifle anything with cookies at all. it's such a relief. sometimes i need to remind myself to be patient when i'm tackling something. takes weeks to notice improvement.

 

i've reminded myself of the purity thing. i've been neglecting that. and by extension, the liberating and healing possibility of surprising people with doing the opposite of what they fear most. like i had anne do in the dream. i can always do that, no matter how poor of a shape i'm in.

 

thank you mum. for everything. i don't have "so much pain". i have "so much to draw from".

[RainyCoast]

he broke out in lesions now.

 

maybe i should stop trying to prevent it. i get him. he wants back to his mother. when one is disillusioned about the world..and himself...where else would he want to go.

 

i would go in a heartbeat if you called.

 

i am just standing in his way. aren't i. wth do i think i am.

[RainyCoast]

tell them i said thank you for Meri.

[RainyCoast]

well mum i blew it

[IAmFCA]

Mom,

 

Do we like this guy or no? Can you do this for me and just tell me when you've found the right one? Thanks!

[RainyCoast]

Salvatore is coming to heaven mum. Thought i'd give you a headsup if you want to meet him. He was delirious last night, calling his mum and wife and aunt and Paolo. He mentioned Christ repeatedly. I never knew he was religious, but on the brink of mortal existence, how can one not be.I went to calm him and he relaxed, then in the morning he told me "I saw everything white". He said it twice, wideyed.

 

Since, he is unable to speak, open his eyes, stay awake...or anyting.

 

I have been following the phases closely, i really think this is it, and i even told E in september he wouldn't make it till the end of winter. His son and cousin V see it too. Jo insists otherwise, for reasons you know. Doc said nothing specific.

 

You saw the stuff that had me desperate this week. So, i've been teary to begin with. And now with him leaving, and yesterday being two years since you left, well, it's been a big crying spell. I am reminded of you and nonna and dad and granddad and Chris and the baby. And the terrifying lives we lead, and the ways in which you left. I am brutal with myself for not handling the collosal compounded terror and loss well, as if it is an irresponsible thing to feel like it' s humanely too much to cope with. And as if i don' t deserve to feel the injustice of it, or say it. And i'm annoyed with the million ways in which people can ask the are you still not done with it question. Or maybe with myself for hearing it in every how are you.

 

He is right. God is near. You don't have to stand on his doorstep to know he is.

His son is there with him tonight. Soon, his mum, wife, Paolo will all be there with him.

 

I will go to sleep now like you were right here, and nonna, and god.

 

And when i am questioned for the labored way of getting over it, i will shrug it off. If being good is just a matter of words and pretence, then being bad is no more than that too. Smile when petty little stones are cast. What would they know. Of love that's found in austerity, purity in squalor, of greatness found in bits.

[RainyCoast]

ugh. got a call from Jo. she has nerve. grrr how did you handle stuff like this. i think mostly you didn't. you carried it around.

[RainyCoast]

there he goes. i'm told Salvatore has arrived. i hope it was a pleasant journey.

[RainyCoast]

good night mum. i love you.

if you drop by tonight, clear the cloud of doubt away for me. i will act with certainty.

[RainyCoast]

mum i could use some help deciding whether to switch to private practice. not really sure i want to be staying if A isn't suspended, so it would be between the new offer or back to the institute. possibly great versus old but safe. kinda need to decide by april.

 

also, staying despite A*does* benefit everyone else, and i'm beyond feeling upset about her in the least...so...?

 

i have a nagging suspicion that A will be history before april though. it would take some sort of magic for that not to happen.

[RainyCoast]

i can't believe it. three years. that can't be?! still feels so fresh and raw.

 

i remained frozen in that still mum, the medlar tree cut down to a stump.

[RainyCoast]

mum i could use some help deciding whether to switch to private practice. not really sure i want to be staying if A isn't suspended, so it would be between the new offer or back to the institute. possibly great versus old but safe. kinda need to decide by april.

 

also, staying despite A*does* benefit everyone else, and i'm beyond feeling upset about her in the least...so...?

 

i have a nagging suspicion that A will be history before april though. it would take some sort of magic for that not to happen.

oh!! and thanks!! forgot i got the answer to that!

 

 

 

o