Thinking of ending engagement to fiance due to her job, am I wrong?

[ChestRockwell]

This is all hard for me to really type out, but I need to do it somewhere. I've known my fiance for 5 years, we have been together for 3 years. I am 29 and she is 30. I am in love with her, but recent things with her job have left me pretty devastated and it has left me considering ending the engagement. I guess I should explain, we live in Chicago and she is a police officer. I admit I did know this before we began dating. I was never comfortable with her job, though I mostly tried to make her unaware that was how I felt. The problem more or less was always the immense worry her job causes me. I worry for her safety every day. I would always worry today would be the day something happens to her on the job. I tried to push these thoughts far from my mind. For her part she eventually knew I worried, but she mostly thought it was sweet I guess. Then about a year and a half ago my worst fears happened when I got the call something had happened. Luckily though her injuries were not life threatening, though I admit this really did shake me. Ever since then whenever she is at work..if I am home or out somewhere and I hear police sirens I automatically begin thinking about her and wondering about her.

 

I did end up dealing with it though. So a little over a year after that(which was 3 months ago) is when we did get engaged. I suppose I thought I could deal with her job. However, something terribly traumatic happened recently. She was hurt on the job again, only this time it was really serious. I got the call from her partner when I was out with some friends. He told me the hospital she was being rushed to and it actually wasn't far from where I was so I hopped in my car and rushed there. I admit I was speeding the entire time. I arrived about a minute after she had. Nurses where telling me to "stand back" but I didn't listen. The thing is..the next thing I saw was her die. Right in front of my eyes. Obviously she is alive, they were able to bring her back and she was only gone for around 30 seconds. But that was the longest 30 seconds of my life and I can't even describe how it felt. I was dead too, but I thank God she came back to me. That isn't exactly something that happens frequently. This was around a week ago and she is going to be okay.

 

She is okay, but I am definitely not. I feel so guilty, but I don't think I can do this if she continues to work at this job. I would not ask her to quit entirely, just that she only work desk jobs or something. I thought I could handle this, but I don't think I can. After this second incident I am just..I'm traumatized. I know she is the one who was hurt, but I feel like I was in some terrible accident as well, I feel like I was stabbed through the gut. I don't think I can ever put the image of what I saw aside while she is still out there risking her life. I can't do it, I felt how it would feel for her to be gone and the thought of something happening again just makes me feel sick. Is it wrong of me to feel like I can't go through with this unless something changes? I know maybe I have no right to ask her to do this, but at the same time all I can do is be honest with her. I haven't actually really discussed with her how I'm feeling yet, I want to wait until she is a bit more healed. I do love her, but this is causing me so much stress, worry, and pain. I guess I'm just afraid she won't want to take on a desk job or something. I sometimes feel maybe I'm not man enough for her, and maybe a real man could deal with this. I'm just at a loss on how to handle this.

[Ms Darcy]

You'll forgive me for my skepticisim, but I can't quite buy that you truly love her if you watched her die and then a week later want to leave.

 

I think if you really love her and want her as your wife, you would think of how you can a) deal with your emotions and b) deal with the situation.

 

I think it's better to ask your partner to work at a desk than to just up and leave. I also think if you are sick with worry, you should get into therapy to help you with your experiences with her.

[GypsieFlower]

First I really want to say I have read your comments on posts and you seem spot on with them all.

 

Which is why I find it so puzzling that instead of first communicating with her, you are already thinking of ending the engagement.

 

I think you have every reason to be worried, it is a very stressful line of work for someone and their partner. Since she has actually had a near death/ death experience, I think it is a good opportunity to speak with her about this.

 

Something along the lines of : I love you, and I don't want to get in the way of your career but it almost killed you and that made me feel dead inside, and I don't know what I would do if I lost you. Since we are engaged and our lives are now joined forever, I think it is important for both of us to make sure we stay as safe as possible so the other would never have to feel the pain I almost felt.

Then ask her to become a desk jockey. If she needs time to think, let her.

 

I think the reason you are jumping straight to ending the engagement is because you are trying to protect yourself. Instead of fully communicating and seeing the outcome, you're scared she will refuse and may break off the engagement herself, or she will refuse and you will be stuck in constant panic for the rest of your life.

 

I think if it is really meant to be, then you will find some sort of a compromise and things will work out. She will be better to talk to now, straight after the accident, as the pain from the wounds are still real, and she will be able to understand more than once she has healed and cant remember the damage the accident caused.

[journeynow]

I know it's stressful to be with someone who works a dangerous job, and you've had serious scares with her. Did you know that law enforcement is not even rated among the 10 most dangerous jobs? That may be small comfort, but it is something. Maybe it's not her job that has her at risk, but her beat? What if she applied to the same position in a different location? Would you be able to deal with that?

 

Perhaps you can learn some coping skills, no matter if you stay or leave. One thing about being overwhelmed by worry or anxiety, it doesn't do anyone any good. It doesn't help her to have you so worried, it doesn't help you, and it doesn't make the world a better place. I was a worrier from an early age, and was married to someone in a dangerous job who often worked late and out of reach, and I worried big time. What a waste of time and energy. It took my sons reaching teen-hood and beginning to drive that I realized I would be far better off not worrying, and instead getting my sleep and taking care of myself so that I could be in top form and functioning if there ever were an emergency. No one's survival or success is dependent upon my worrying, and I've learned to let it go, for the most part.

 

It is tough seeing someone you love hurt, but if you realize you can't be there for her in a useful way if she's hurt, and cannot support her in her career as it is, you may be right in breaking it off. It may be you are not the right partners for each other.

[ParisPaulette]

First, I'm sorry you're going through this. This is where the rubber meets the road though, so to speak in facing down the absolute worst thing that could happen and working out how to move on from there. You have been through a traumatic experience, your fiancee has been through it worse. You both need counseling to come to terms with it. And you definitely need it, because sometimes being on the sidelines like that can almost be worse since you got to watch it all happen, but it isn't your choice to enter the fray every day as part of your job. Cops, firefighters, counselors who work in certain sectors and more all do what they do, because it's just who they are. No one is a cop because hey the drinks are free and the perks are awesome. They do it usually, because something within them tells them that they have no choice, it is in their blood to help others. Your fiancee knows the risks going in, but she also knows the risks if she were to stand down and find another job. And that's something you can either deal with or you can't, same as her.

 

But before you walk away I think some individual and joint therapy would be a really good thing for the two of you. You have no way of knowing how this incident will affect her. She has probably little to no knowledge of how it affected you. That said if you really love her it will haunt you the rest of your life knowing you walked away from her when she needed you the most. If something else like what you saw happens to her do you really think it will hurt any less if you aren't there? Nope, sorry. I think it'll hurt so much worse than what you just went through. It's awful to watch something bad happen to a loved one. It's a thousand times worse to hear that something bad happened to a loved one and you weren't there for them, even when it's not rational our default setting as a species I think is to imagine we could have done something.

 

Get some counseling, don't make any rash decisions in the heat of raw emotions. Take it from there for the two of you. BTW, my hat is off to your fiancee. She has a tough job and I admire anyone who does what she does.

[RedDress]

I agree with what everyone has said and I think that you've gotten some great advice.

 

I just wanted to add - when your fiancee is feeling a little better, speak to her about her benefits at work. What you are experiencing is not uncommon for the spouse of police, firefighters, etc. There is usually a support framework for stuff like this (including family/loved ones) - councillors specifically trained in these kinds of unique issues.

 

She might need to speak to someone as well after such a traumatic event...

[CeeLambrini]

For all anyone knows, she may be having the same feelings right now about stepping down - perhaps this time was just too much of a risk for her and she feels she is not up to it anymore. Right now she is probably concentrating on healing from the injuries. This is definitely something you can bring up in conversation with her. It doesn't have to be "It's me or the job", and it doesn't have to be you leaving her to it without talking about it first. There needs to be some communication, and not just enough that she thinks you're 'sweet' afterwards, enough that she knows that you are constantly anxious about her wellbeing and this recent event completely justifies that anxiety.

[beingawesome]

As someone who works in law enforcement (though not sworn) and in Chicago no less, I have to say that what you're going through is not uncommon. We've had divorces happen in our force, when a female officer's husband was not happy with her decision to start working in law enforcement. So your anxiety is not something that will get easier after marriage. I definitely encourage you to talk to her about your feelings but also to try to understand how she feels about her job. For most of my coworkers, this is their dream. Many have wanted to be officers for as long as they can remember and asking them to give that up is like cutting off a limb. After speaking with her, you can either choose to walk away or try to come up with some coping strategies, but personally, I could never ask my partner to give up their own dream for me.

[beingawesome]

Also, while I haven't read it yet, my Deputy Chief gave me the book "Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement: A Guide for Officers and Their Families" by Kevin M. Gilmartin, PhD. It might be useful for understanding how she feels and help you figure out how to deal with the stress and dangers of her job.

[Kaytie]

I agree with beingawesome - I would tread lightly on discussing the desk job duties with her because officers have usually dreamed about front line police work. It often becomes a huge part of their identity. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be 100% honest with her about how this is affecting you, but do know that her job may be extremely important to her and depending on how you approach this you could be met with a lot of resistance.

 

In my line of work I am sometimes in dangerous situations with offenders and past partners have been very concerned as well. How it was approached with me was her expressing honestly how she felt and why, and I explained the real risks of something happening. She was able to get some support from my colleagues and talk to partners of others which helped tremendously. I think that is a very good option. I also like beingawesome's idea of the book. It's a common issue (especially knowing that she's already been so seriously hurt so your worst fears have come true) and you are not alone with your anxiety and worry.

 

I hope you can both figure this out. It's entirely possible to do so.

[ChestRockwell]

You'll forgive me for my skepticisim, but I can't quite buy that you truly love her if you watched her die and then a week later want to leave.

 

I feel I do truly love her. It's not that I *want* to walk away from this, I don't know what I was thinking..but it was traumatizing to see that. Though I have realized that yes maybe that was a bit of an over reaction. But I still know I love her, maybe I over reacted after it really sunk in as to what happened, but during the time she was gone..I can't imagine I could ever feel such pain if it wasn't someone I love.

 

I think if you really love her and want her as your wife, you would think of how you can a) deal with your emotions and b) deal with the situation.

 

I see your point and I do agree. I can't see anyone else as my wife but her. I am going to try to figure out how we can deal with this. I plan to have a long talk with her tomorrow about this..I will suggest to her some kind of therapy for this.

 

I think it's better to ask your partner to work at a desk than to just up and leave. I also think if you are sick with worry, you should get into therapy to help you with your experiences with her.

 

I agree I am not going to up and leave. I know that it would be best if we went to a couples counseling, but I should probably also go to a solo one as well that focuses on what I saw and coping with it.

 

Though as others have mentioned, it might not be a good idea to flat out ask her to do a desk job..even though that is very much what I want. I don't want to necessarily give her an ultimatum here. I guess a part of me is really afraid if I did ask her to choose and she chose her job I'd be devastated. I know maybe that would be selfish of me to feel, but it would hurt. I can honestly tell you I would not choose my job over her.

 

I just know something has to change. I suppose it is possibly she is also feeling the way I do and maybe would want to work a desk job..I do hope that is the case. I honestly do not think that is the case though. I'm going to have to tell her just how much this is affecting me and then we can begin working on it.

[Kaytie]

What you witnessed and have experienced is real trauma. You nearly saw the woman you love die - that is not something to be minimized. I think seeing someone on your own is crucial to dealing with the very recent, acute trauma you're experiencing right now. And further to that, making life-changing decisions in the midst of trauma is not a good idea. I think you should share how you feel with her without issuing ultimatums and take it from there. She is also going through her own physical and emotional trauma right now and won't be in the best position herself to make any life-changing decisions with any clarity.

 

I would get both of you into therapy to deal with the very present reality of things first and foremost. Share with her and try to work on this together. You don't know what she's thinking now - and what she is thinking now may change after processing what's happened to her too.

[ChestRockwell]

I understand, and we have talked about this a bit. I was going to wait a bit, but she could tell something was really bothering me. She said she knows what I saw was horrible and that she can't imagine if the situation was reversed and she had to see me like that. She said it would kill her. Then I admitted it wasn't just what I saw. I didn't want to tell her straight out to get a desk job or something..but I did say I am now having a very hard time dealing with the notion of her going out in the front line again. The stress of that thought is worse then ever before to be the point where it is affecting my health.

 

I felt what I was doing wasn't bad, I was not flat out telling her what to do, but I was explaining to her how I'm feeling..but then I felt so bad because it made her cry. She was very upset about how serious this was affecting me..and the fact that she was the cause, or rather her job. Well once she began crying I couldn't exactly continue that discussion.

 

So I did tell her we need counseling and she agreed..but the problem is I'm still worried. I don't know if I can be truly okay with her out on the front lines. Not after this. She's been been lucky twice now, who is to say she will be lucky a 3rd time? She is also only 30 years old. That means she has a long time before she is old enough to where she can't physically be on the front lines anymore.

 

She has also talked about having kids in the future. But then I just think..she is going to have a baby and then be out there every day risking her life, knowing she has a baby at home who needs her so much more then anyone else? With a husband who also needs her? I refer to myself as a husband here because I know if we ever had kids it would not happen unless we were married.

[Kaytie]

I think it's great that you were honest and told her how you were feeling. That's exactly what you should be doing in a committed relationship, regardless of how hard it may be to hear. Now she knows how upset and tormented you are about this. I'm not sure if she expressed any of her own concerns (she may be too exhausted from her injuries and is focused on healing physically right now) but I am sure she must be thinking about her own safety too.

 

How is she doing physically? I would definitely revisit this conversation - you have a right to express everything you're feeling (when she's able) and to work on this together to try and find a solution that works for both of you.

[Ms Darcy]

ChestRock, you are doing the right thing in talking to her and getting counseling. Counseling will be a safe space to talk and hear each other's perspectives. You don't have to have all the answers right away. With time, and through counseling, the process will let the resolutions play themselves out naturally.