divorce replaced lottery as ultimate fantasy.

[extirpate]

I made a post months ago about her abusing me. I cant post the link becsuse the forum wont let me. But I suppose if you search my name you could see half the reason why I want a divorce in that thread.

 

Basically all day every day I fantasize about getting a divorce. Or winning the lottery and subsequently getting divorced. But I dont know what I should do.

 

On top of the abuse I receive, my dreams are all but dead. Her depression forced me to tend to her needs rather than to take the opportunities I had. I want a PHD in physics. Instead im doing the easiest degree I could think of, english writing, because I hardly do any school work and it keeps my wife happy. She needs to talk to me all day long. When I have papers to write she interrupts me constantly.

I do everything. She cant drive due to her livense being suspended when she was a kid. I drive her and our baby around everywhere. I go to school and make the money. She treats me like crap and tells everyone how amazing a husband I am and how great a father I am.

 

For the first 25 years of my life I was a happy go lucky person with a smile always plastered on my face. People always would say "why do you smile so much?" Now I never smile. I havent heard that in 2 years.

 

I have no time to persue the career I want. If i were to persue a physics degree that means taking two math classes, a science thats mostly math, and chemistry which has more math (albeit not that hard early on.) Every semester. I would be doing homework in all of my free time.

 

I know from experience that if I dont spend enough time with my wife she gets worse and worse. More abusive more angry more depressed. She doesnt even realize it. But it doesnt matter because even if I devoted all of my time to her she would still be abusive. And I would be even more depressed that my dreams are gone and im persuing a career I dont really want.

 

And its not just about MY dreams. I want the money to support my son and give him a happy life. Ill never make any money if Im not doing something that I care about.

 

If we didnt have a baby maybe I would have left her already. But she cant drive. We live in nyc but she wont take the bus. She has sleep problems now and she always has health problems. I feel like im only staying so that I can ease her suffering and drive her around to dr appointments and such. Im scared if I leave her she will hurt herself or something. Maybe I should try to have custody of my son even though I think children should be with their mothers. But if I took him away id be scared she would just kill herself.

And if I did keave her I would feel terrible for the suffering she must endure. Regular stuff that normal people do on a day to day basis seems like its torturing her. Who knows maybe she is full if crap and has been fooling me all these years. I dont know.

All I know is I dont deserve this. Ive commited 100% of myself to makingbher happy.

 

Oh yea and on top of everything I have no money. If we dont go iut sometimes and spend money on restaurants and such she gets more unhappy. So instead of saving up money to move away and have a decent life, I spend it all on going out to restaurants with her so that it will alleviate her depression and anger and subsequent abuse of myself. Its a never ending circle.

 

I dont know how to tell her I want a divorce. I can imagine standing there and saying "I want a divorce" and her either angry and guilt tripping me, or crying and threatening suicide. The most likely scenario is her getting mad and telling me to go ahead and leave and never come back. And then packing my stuff up to leave. I dont even know if id have the money for a divorce. We would probably just be seperated. Id rather work at mcdonalds and have nothing but my computer and a slow interner connection than to have to deal with her anymore.

And if I do divirce her and I have no money due to working some garbage job until I finish my degree, it will be hard to see my son. Hes the cutest damned baby I ever saw (maybe all parents are biased for their own children?) And hes the only good thing to come out of all of this. I wouldnt trade him for anything.

 

Id probably have to live with my mom for a while. But they have almost no space in the house.

 

Its $50 for my wife to get her license back. But she hasnt driven for years. I have 2 cars I could give her one so that I wouldnt have to feel so bad about her traveling "disability" (laziness lol). Its only worth 500-1000 anyways.

 

Whew this feels like a long post that I typed on my phone. Sorry for the long read if you did read it all. I kind of rambled im sure. Its tough writing on your phone lol. Thanks for reading it all if you did.

[mhowe]

The advice in your other thread was excellent. Did you do any of the things people suggested?

[extirpate]

Yes. The only thing I haven't done is go to a marriage counselor. We dont have money for that anyways. Thats the very last thing I could possibly do and I dont know how I could.

[mhowe]

Then maybe it is time for a separation.

[IAmFCA]

This situation will self-destruct eventually, because it is unsustainable.

 

It sounds like she needs a full-time treatment program, and maybe there is insurance for that.

 

You need support too. Work out the logistics of a separation. Give yourself time to live on your own. Give her a chance to become more self-sufficient. If she needs a few phone numbers as a resource, leave them out on the kitchen counter for her to find, call, and sort out whatever services she may desire.

 

Even in a religious context, your duties end when they become disrespectful to yourself.

 

I am sorry for this tragic web in which you have found yourself.

[SpottiOtti]

I mean this in the most respectful way possible: You are playing a victim here and having a serious pity party for yourself. You and only you are responsible for your life and your happiness. Your choices and only your choices led you to where you are today. If you want to separate from an abusive, life-sucking woman, make it happen. If you want a physics degree, make it happen. If you want to stop going out and spending money, make it happen. This is your life; do what you gotta do. Blaming others for your own discontentment isn't going to change a thing.

[wilyone 11]

You need to get out of this situation pronto. You are responsible for your happiness. She is responsible for her own happiness. No one can take away your freedom unless you allow them to.

 

She will threaten all kinds of things to get you to stay. But she won't actually do them. My ex-husband and I are now great friends, but you would never imagine the things he threatened to do when I started making noises about leaving. It was frightening. I was afraid he would ruin me, tell everyone horrible things. But he did none of that and now we are both much happier.

[extirpate]

I mean this in the most respectful way possible: You are playing a victim here and having a serious pity party for yourself. You and only you are responsible for your life and your happiness. Your choices and only your choices led you to where you are today. If you want to separate from an abusive, life-sucking woman, make it happen. If you want a physics degree, make it happen. If you want to stop going out and spending money, make it happen. This is your life; do what you gotta do. Blaming others for your own discontentment isn't going to change a thing.

 

Way to sound extremely disrespectful.

 

You are right about one thing, I have to do it all for myself. However I cant blame myself for not predicting the future. Who would have thunk that getting married to the woman of your "dreams" would turn out so awfully?

 

And all this time ive been hoping it would get better. Im not having a "pity party" or whatever blatant insult you have for me. Im sharing my story because I dont know if im silly to want a divorce. Or am I silly for not getting one months or more than a year ago.

 

Doing research online all I find is help for abused women. My husband does this or that, I made his dinner too late so he got mad. I feel like im the woman here. There is no help for men lol. Thats why im here. I dont want people to pity me, I want people to look at my situation and give me their perspective.

 

And im ready to move on. I want to say to my wife, "we are better off apart". I can walk away without anger from her and be happy alone. But im so damn scared of that day where I just tell her its over and leave. I dont know whats gonna happen. Im terrified. I have everytging planned out. I can move and finish my degree and do everything I wanted. But im scared to tell her its over. I dont know why.

 

I dont know how I should approach it. Should I just walk in the door one day or wake up one day and say "its over" Should I sit her down and tell her every detail of why? Or just do it like a band-aid "RIGHT OFF" and just leave? I dont know what to do im lost and looking for suggestions. And if anybody wants to have a real pity party I could order Dominos.

 

By the way we would probably just be separated. We dont have that kind of money to pay for a divorce. Just adding that in. Maybe like what someone said above, give her time to live by herself and support herself and do things for herself and maybe things could be better down the road.

 

Thanks for reading.

[IAmFCA]

Fear of change is logical and natural.

 

Staying in the same place and wishing and hoping for change is not.

 

You can tell her, you can leave, you can do what you need to do. You can NOT expect/require/control/need for her to react a certain way. She doesn't have to accept it, be nice about it, deal with it, none of that. She could do any of a number of things, all at once, different on a different day. Whatever. How she reacts is about her and is not your issue.

 

You follow YOUR path. The moment your path splits from hers is the moment you let her react how she chooses without it impacting you. I know, difficult. Necessary. Unwind yourself from the web, consider whatever counseling you may need to help get at any underlying issues that arise, whatever resources you need to make yourself wiser, stronger, even more self-aware, and to stay out of her web.

 

Divorce yourself from her path of destruction.

[extirpate]

Whew the advice...its very good. Thanks everyone so far.

 

Thanks ithinkican. You are right. The whole reason im still in this marriage is from fear of hurting her. Otherwise I probably would have gone long ago. I hate to make people feel bad I guess lol. Its really tough and ill feel extremely guilty about it im sure. She is definitely going to guilt trip me like crazy too. Once ive told her and I pack up all my stuff with her watching me is gonna be rough lol. Any tips on how to prepare for that?

 

Should I call up my mother beforehand and tell her what im planning? Im going to need to stay at their house until I get my own place established. My mom is always willing to have me there she wanted us to move in there so I could have my school completely for free but my wife didnt want to.

 

Uhg im so scared lol. But I honestly feel like 40% better about it right now.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Where are her parents? Because, if she's had a baby, doesn't drive, won't take transit, has a myriad of issues and has no job(?) -- how is she going to pay for the place she's living in? Do her parents know that she is like this? IMO, and it's a total chickensh*t thing to do, you should take her for a visit to her parents and leave her there (have the locks changed when you get back). Yeah, it's not honest or mature or adult but if you're afraid that she is going to hurt you, herself or your child if you leave, then she shouldn't be left alone after you leave. If you were a woman and you wanted to leave an abusive spouse, no one would tell you to confront him and tell him you're leaving. If I were you, I would put it all in a letter so that you can get your thoughts and feelings out, reword and edit as you see fit without her interruption. You already know that no matter what you say, she's going to turn it all around on you and you'll get lost, lose track of your thoughts if not outright shut down as she rages. Yes, you should call your family and tell them what you're planning to do so that they can be there to support you, whatever you decide to do.

 

I also think that you should get some of her tirades on video if you can. And you should start keeping a journal somewhere she won't find it that details out what she says or does on a daily basis. After you split, she can say anything to anyone and odds are, they will believe her that you are the bad guy. Right now, it's your word against hers and if you leave, there's no "proof" of how awful she is. As you've already learned, shelters for fleeing abuse are all for women -- and there are good reasons for that as most often, it's men who kill their intimate partners rather than the other way around, men who hold the assets, keep their SOs dependent and isolated. It's kind of odd that she is choosing to isolate herself and make herself dependent on you. It's like she's decided if you know she depends on you, you won't leave her. Also, if you can get some of her irrational tirades on hidden video, you will have evidence to use against her in court if you decide to pursue custody of your son.

 

What the others have said is true, she is throwing these fits because they work. She doesn't care that she's hurting you and potentially hurting her son, she just cares that she gets what she wants. If she does not get help, that does not bode well for the future. It is possible that she has a hormone imbalance if she was never like this when you were dating. But without being confronted by what she is like to live with, she can easily just dismiss it as she was tired/stressed/whatever with the baby and you're overreacting.

 

And as for winning the lottery... if it happens while you're still married to her, she would be entitled to 50% of it if you divorced her after (not that it's going to happen, given the odds). So divorce her first, then start playing /jk I think winning your freedom from this situation would be better than winning the lottery any day of the week.

[IAmFCA]

OP Lorem gives excellent advice. I recall now reading a suggestion to wear a small hidden camera at one's waist, apparently there is something like that. Recording vid on your phone might be noticed by her, but recording sound might not. If you have a smart phone you could put it on record and leave it in your pocket. I also heard a long time ago to leave a small overnight bag, small enough that she won't notice anything missing, at your parents' house, just in case you need to just walk out the door and not return. The two of you would have essentials, she would be stuck at home. You would start fresh. Tough, but better than what you have now.

 

I congratulate you on pulling yourself up and planning your route out. If you can, steathily move things to your parents ahead of time. Even better, move her to her parents' house as Lorem suggested. Drop her there, send her things later by a delivery service, not by you personally delivering them.

 

If you want a restraining order, you will need proof that you have been in danger, so the vids ahead of time may prove very useful to you later.

 

One foot in front of the other, and after a while you will have one mile and then two. Start your life. The thing to be afraid of is staying.

[lostandhurt]

Fear control so many of us. You are afraid of what might happen which can only be imagined. In almost every case when it does actually happen it isn't really all that scary, our minds just make it that way.

 

Yes sit down with your mother and tell her everything. You need family to support you and help you during these times.

 

Remember this. Your wife was just fine before you were in her life and she will be fine after you are gone.

 

Be brave and do what must be done.

 

Lost

[IAmFCA]

And keep us up to date so we can cheer you on!

[abitbroken]

Recording someone without their knowledge is illegal in some states, just keep that in mind.

[extirpate]

Oh how fortuitous it is we actually live with her mother right now lol. We had a nice apartment in another state and we ended up having no money so we had to move in with her mother. Ive been living on my own since I turned 18 and now im 28 living with her mom lol. Its pretty sad but doesnt bother me too much. It makes my wife depressed but then again when we were in our own place she was even worse!

 

My family lives in another state so I cant really sneak off some of my stuff. All I need is some clothes and my computer and ill be happy though lol.

 

Im calling schools to see if I can get the ball rolling for after the summer classes are over. Its probably too late to enroll in them but if I can that would be great, I dont tKe the summers off from school.

 

Im still trying to plan how to tell her im leaving. I cant just pack my stuff and go without her knowing because she is always home unless I take her out. Im also wondering what ill say to my mother. I know she will probably try and convince me to stay and work things out. But im past that already. Its funny cuz we were just at my moms house for easter. They all think we are perfectly happy.

 

Maybe ill call my dad too. My parents divorced when I was a little kid so im sure he has some wisdom he could impart on me.

 

Its funny im nervous about calling my mom and telling her. This stuff is hard lol.

 

I always feel guilty like im being selfish for wanting to leave. And then the cats get into the bathroom cuz I didnt slam the door hard enough (they are very smart and open doors a lot). And my wife walks in angry and starts quizzing me like "what happens when the cats get in the bathroom? What happens when you dont close the door right? What are you supposed to do when you finish peeing?" Just one example of many things that could happen. And I think "yep, Cant wait to leave your ass."

 

She even walks in and says "I thought I told you to buy milk?" And the milk is the first thing you see when you open the fridge. She doesnt even look to see if the milk is there or not. I fed the cats and she did the same thing, and again with some other task I dont remember. Its a recent thing shes been doing. Accusing me of not doing something before she even knows if I did it or not. And then I feel stupid for feeling guilty. But when im away from her at school and thinking about the situation I feel like maybe im being selfish or something.

 

It would be easier if I could just get mad and leave her. But I know that I can leave her without anger. I can walk away and be happy alone. I dont think that I want to leave her because im mad anymore. I just want to leave because im unhappy. I know once I leave her im not responsible for her happiness anymore. But its hard to not think "well maybe im just overreacting and being selfish." Besides if I leave her during an angry fight she wont believe that its real. She wont accept it and will call me and text me and wont leave me alone.

 

Im not ssure if I need to record her or anything. I mean my mother was a complete psychopath. She slashed her wrists in front of us for christs sake and they never took us away from her. I doubt that a judge hearing how she talks and gets mad will do much. I can try anyways but itll be hard cuz she thinks she is sherlok holmes and shes always suspucious that im doing something even though ive never done anything lol. If I leave my phone in my pocket to record her shell be like "why dont you take your phone out like you always do?" Ill have to figure something out. I dont want her to treat my son like my mother did when I was a kid. She was always screaming and freakong out over nothing and beating the crap out of us. I cant believe that somehow I managed to marry another crazy person like my mom and not even know it till its too late. And she was always crazy she just suppressed it while we were dating.

 

Now my mom is fine but it took a good 25 years for her to get the proper help lol.

 

At this point in the post im just typing because its cathartic lol. Sorry for rambling!

[Lorem Ipsum]

So you live with her parents and they hear her raging and they don't do anything about it? They don't intervene or tell her she's out of line? Nothing?

[extirpate]

So you live with her parents and they hear her raging and they don't do anything about it? They don't intervene or tell her she's out of line? Nothing?

 

Its just her mother and she works 6 days a week out of the house. She sleeps at her job. She takes care of sick and elderly people. She never hears our interactions. However my wife treats her mother worse than she treats me amd screams at her and all that when she is home. The only reason her mom lets us stay there is because of our baby. She loves to be grandma lol. I hate how she treats her mom but it wont ever change.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I know once I leave her im not responsible for her happiness anymore.

You're not responsible for her happiness right now -- she is.

 

Well, I don't know what to say. If she's abusive to her mother too and her mother doesn't do anything about it... I wish you could take your son and run because (as you know) growing up under the thumb of a crazy b*tch is not good. But that would be against the law. I think the only thing you can do is see an attorney, explain the situation and ask what your rights are/if you could successfully sue for full custody. But then again, you don't have the family support you would need to be able to keep your child and go to school full time. It's a no-win situation all around. After you leave, see if you can contact your MIL and get her to promise that she'll look out for that child, explain to her exactly why you left (she can't be that blind or tired and overworked to not know). You will need a court order with a custody schedule, or your wife will probably try and pull some stuff to keep you from seeing him. With a court order in place, it will be easier to call the police to intervene if she's keeping him from you. As much as it sucks, right now you can only save yourself. Maybe when he's older he will choose to live with you, but you're going to have to be there to keep that door open.

[extirpate]

Well, I called my mom today. Told her everything. She is supportive and she is scared for me to leave my baby with my wife. My mom was crazy when I was a kid and she says that my wife sounds like her sister who was also a psychopath who beat the everliving out of all her kids. I dont know if my wife would get violent with the baby when im gone. I havent seen any indicators of that. My mom is worried but there isnt much I can do anyways.

Im waiting for my stepdad to get home to talk to him so he can give me some advice on how to tell my wife im leaving.

 

Talking to my mom wasnt bad at all lol. I was so nervous. I didnt get emotional at all. I didnt break down or anything. Thats a pretty big indicator that im truly done with this marriage because normally I would be bawling my eyes out and super upset about such an awful situation. Then i'd have to go out on the street and beat up very large muscled men to reclaim my manliness haha. =D

 

Violence is never the answer kids...

[extirpate]

I cant figure out how to edit my above post.

 

I talked to my step dad. He gave some useful advice and helped me with how I will approach her with the news. I think im going to tell her this weekend and pack up my stuff and leave. Ill worry about the legal separation or divorce and visitation stuff in a week or so after that. Ill be applying to jobs and some colleges where my mom lives. I hope she cant convince me to stay. I dont feel like she can but I dont know how she will react.

[lostandhurt]

After a short while you cannot edit your posts. If to much time has passed you are out of luck unless a mod helps you delete it.

 

You should be getting some legal advice right away. Some of the things you are planning may be detrimental to your custody rights. For example if you tell her you are leaving and pack up and move to another state she can claim you abandoned your child and family. I think it is best that you seek out at the very least some free counsel from the county you live in or possibly ask some people in the know here what you should do to protect your future custody rights.

 

Moving to another state all but guarantees she will have full legal and physical custody and you will only get visitation from what I have seen and heard. Be patient and plan this out carefully. You can survive a little while longer while you get all the pieces in place for your escape.

 

Lost

[Lorem Ipsum]

What he said. I know of a couple who the wife moved in with her parents, told him to give her space, that she would call him when she was ready... and then she filed papers claiming he abandoned her and their baby. Granted, he was an eejit for not insisting to visit his daughter (and it was months that he didn't go by) but still... she got full custody and it's been an ever-loving nightmare for his family.

 

As much as you want to get the hell out of there, don't do it until you've at least talked with an attorney and gotten some advice. In your case especially people know your wife is somewhat nuts and if you want your child to grow up with at least one "normal" parent, you are going to need to do everything you can to push for at least partial custody -- which you may not be able to do or get if you leave the state. If you can crash on a friend's couch, or rent for a short term nearby, that would be better than leaving the state at least until you can get the legalities sorted out. I also suggest that if you're concerned about what she might do to the baby when you leave, arrange to leave on the one day your MIL isn't working and will be there. She may put up with her daughter's abuse, but unless she's completely amoral I doubt she would allow her grandson to be abused in her presence.

[extirpate]

Oh lawdy lawdy I'm back guys after many months since my last post. I was ready to leave my wife completely and she finally promised me she would go to therapy. She started her therapy in October last year. So she has been doing it for 5 months. I would say she is very slightly better? It doesn't seem to be doing much.

 

Anyways I've moved out, she still lives with her mother. I have moved to a new state for college (they will pay for it there). Our plan was basically for me to get a job and when I'm stable enough I would move her and my son out with me. She said before I left that if I choose to divorce her while I'm here to tell her (as if it would be an easy thing to do for either of us). So I just got a job working 50+ hours a week. I want to start school next semester.

 

So what's my problem now? It is mostly the same I suppose. I fear if I were to stay with her, not only would life be hard because she makes it like that, I don't feel like I can complete my education with her. She makes life so hard I can't see myself being able to handle working full time, school full time, taking care of her and the baby. She doesn't care if I work and school she thinks I should still take care of the baby as much as she does if not more. I'm amazed she manages to take care of him now. She has all kinds of health issues and sleep apnea is a new one that has taken 2 years to diagnose.

 

So what I'm thinking in my head every day is do I leave her? Or do I lay down the law and say "if you ever want to have a decent life where I don't work a low paying job for the rest of our lives you will take care of our child and I'll work and finish my degree so we can have a nice life. Otherwise its over." I feel obligated to give her a chance since she is going to therapy. But will it do anything? I don't know lol. I'm staying with my mom for now, and her husband, my two sisters and one of their babies. My mom growing up was like my wife now. She screamed and freaked out and beat us for no reason all the time. Now she takes happy pills, has an amazing husband who literally does absolutely everything for her, and she's still bat crazy. So I don't see how my wife would change either.

 

I want to just leave her and I'm just so scared to do it. I don't know if she can take care of our kid without me. She's been doing okay for now but she has no job no car no nothing. Health problems which will probably prevent her from getting a job, and no diagnoses which will qualify her for disability. She will live on welfare with our son. I know the government wouldn't award me my kid since you have to prove the mother to be really bad to do that.

 

I suppose he is still a baby. His grandma helps and I'm glad she does. I hope to help her if I ever get money even if I do divorce my wife.

 

Can I leave her? Despite the fact that they will live on welfare...even though I'll be sending them money...how much am I supposed to send? I guess I could figure that out. I know there's all this legal pain in the ass bull. I doubt she would do anything crazy she wants me in his life regardless, and she can barely apply for food stamps or go to the doctor as well as take care of a baby, I doubt she can persue any legal annoyances. I'll have money Now for legal matters anyways. I guess I'm just typing and making a decent case for myself lol.

 

I just want to hear what you guys think...

 

Edit: I still love her. No matter how horrible she makes life and how evil and bad she is to me somehow I still love her. Does that make any sense? Is this how battered women feel in their abusive relationships? Is my love for her despite the bad any reason to stay? No matter how much I want to leave there's always that pulling at my heart...please let me know what you think about this...

[lostandhurt]

I think you need to get legal advice on how much you will be paying her. You will pay alimony plus child support and since she cannot work you could be paying her alimony for the rest of her life. Now that is the reality of your situation and it will not go away. Leaving the state does not alleviate you from these financial burdens and actually can make them worse.

 

Before you decide anything you need to go to the county website where you used to live and there will be information on divorce, custody, child support and other things you need to know. By the time you pay her each month you will be living in poverty more than likely. Also you will probably have to pay for her lawyer as well as your own.

 

That being said if you insist on divorcing her then get on with it. That way you both can begin to heal and get on with your lives as single parents. You need to know that divorce will not remove her from your life, it will only end your legal marriage.

 

What you seek may very well be worse than what you have...

 

Lost