How to suppress the child in me

[t1lersm0m1]

I feel myself reverting back to old ways. I'm going through a break up and right now I'm terrified. My inner child is trying to take control and make me act out.

 

Growing up my mom was an alcoholic. I was abused by an uncle and date raped as a teen. Those things affected me, and I never really dealt with them until two years ago. I went through tremendous growth and change. I forgave the past. Those things that happened made me so insecure back then. I acted like a child, reverting to childish tendencies, especially when it came to romantic relationships.

 

I learned so much about myself two years ago. I continue learning about myself.

 

Now my amazing boyfriend has broken up for me. He is doing it for all of the right reasons. The mature side of me knows this. My mother is emotionally unstable and abusive to me. She doesn't want me to be happy because she's afraid she'll lose me. She's even admitted that to me. I'm dating a black man and she doesn't approve. He knew she didn't approve but thought she was coming around, because I also kinda believed this, although I knew she still struggled with it. Well, this most recent fight with her I finally filled him in on what's been going on, and he ended the relationship. He said he's not going anywhere, he's just gonig to work and live his day to day life. He still loves me, he just doesn't feel we can be together under our current circumstances.

 

I've found a place and the plan is to move June 1. He knows I am looking for a place. I think he bowed out because he wants to make sure I'm doing this for me, not him.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter why he's doing it. I'm angry and I feel myself wanting to self-destruct. I'm disgusted with myself. I tell myself if he reaches out to me I'm going to ignore him. I"m going to show him how it feels to turn my back on him like he did to me. I put my profile back on the dating site we met on, and now I can't delete it before its' been up 24 hours. I will delete it first thing tomorrow.

 

I can't sabotage this. I can't self destruct. This guy is awesome. Even if we don't work out, I can't allow myself to behave like this every time things get hard.

 

This child inside me wants to scream and make him hurt the way I'm hurting right now. I need to call and get back into therapy. I need to fix this and nip it in the bud once and for all.

[sentiententity]

Sorry to hear of this. Getting back into therapy is a good idea. Do what u can to not lash out at your ex because he sounds like a good guy.

[Cheetarah]

Don't you dare. I know you are very self-aware of your feelings, but I have to say it, anyhow. He didn't turn his back on you. The man has incredibly healthy boundaries. He's dating you, not your mother. How old is your son, is he seeing this ignorance in action(is he multiracial?)? I am so glad you are moving out.

 

You're aware of what you're doing and that's huge. Allot for pause when you get overwhelmed. Reread this post of yours, perhaps create an online or paper journal. Write in there when you are both fired up, and calm incorporating logic. The feelings you're having are very uncomfortable but they do not need to be acted upon immediately just because they FEEL pressing - They aren't. It's just overwhelming emotion tricking you and trying to relieve/shift the feelings. Allow yourself to feel what you feel but curb the impulsive urges. Sit on them.

[Kendahke]

I think he is hurting as badly as you are right now--perhaps not with the same struggles as you first hand, but more like he sees you're struggling and he can't do your heavy lifting for you---you have to do it yourself. Finding out that the your lover's mother hates you for the color of your skin can be a blow--especially if you want your mother in your life. Question is: do you?

 

You're just in a really bad space right now, so please don't indulge being disgusted with yourself. If you weren't seeing what remedies you needed to take to get out of it then yeah, I could see you being disgusted. But your'e not wallowing--you've got a plan in place. That's a good thing. What you need to do is think through any reactions you may have to things which frustrate you. Changing your profile status was you not thinking things through. Yes, it could wind up hurting you if he happens to sign onto it and sees that. But as long as you don't answer any emails, wait out the 24 hours and then change it back.

 

I agree--make the call. See, you're ahead of the curve in so many ways already.

[t1lersm0m1]

Sorry to hear of this. Getting back into therapy is a good idea. Do what u can to not lash out at your ex because he sounds like a good guy.

 

Thank you, he is a GREAT guy! I know he is hurting, but all I can feel is my own pain right now.

 

Don't you dare. I know you are very self-aware of your feelings, but I have to say it, anyhow. He didn't turn his back on you. The man has incredibly healthy boundaries. He's dating you, not your mother. How old is your son, is he seeing this ignorance in action(is he multiracial?)? I am so glad you are moving out.

 

You're aware of what you're doing and that's huge. Allot for pause when you get overwhelmed. Reread this post of yours, perhaps create an online or paper journal. Write in there when you are both fired up, and calm incorporating logic. The feelings you're having are very uncomfortable but they do not need to be acted upon immediately just because they FEEL pressing - They aren't. It's just overwhelming emotion tricking you and trying to relieve/shift the feelings. Allow yourself to feel what you feel but curb the impulsive urges. Sit on them.

 

My son is 16. He is white like me. I told him about Rich about a month into it, and asked if he had a problem. He said "What do you think I am, racist?" He's so awesome. I don't bring all men around my son, Rich and I just spent the day with my son a few weeks ago, about five months into our relationship. I can see this all from the logical side. I can understand what Rich is trying to do. But that insecure person who lashes out when she's hurt is trying to come out. I called my employer's Employee Assistance Program and left a voicemail for a therapist I saw before who is aware of my sexual past and my mother's mental illness.

 

I started typing Rich a letter in Microsoft Word, but have no intention of sending it. Just a way to get my feelings, anger, frustration out. I know he needs space. He had no idea I was struggling with my Mom and he feels responsible. But like I said, my inner child feels like he has abandoned me and turned his back on me when I need him.

 

I understand logically everything he has said.

 

Yes, shifting the feelings, that's what I'm trying to do. I love the people on ENA!

 

I think he is hurting as badly as you are right now--perhaps not with the same struggles as you first hand, but more like he sees you're struggling and he can't do your heavy lifting for you---you have to do it yourself. Finding out that the your lover's mother hates you for the color of your skin can be a blow--especially if you want your mother in your life. Question is: do you?

 

You're just in a really bad space right now, so please don't indulge being disgusted with yourself. If you weren't seeing what remedies you needed to take to get out of it then yeah, I could see you being disgusted. But your'e not wallowing--you've got a plan in place. That's a good thing. What you need to do is think through any reactions you may have to things which frustrate you. Changing your profile status was you not thinking things through. Yes, it could wind up hurting you if he happens to sign onto it and sees that. But as long as you don't answer any emails, wait out the 24 hours and then change it back.

 

I agree--make the call. See, you're ahead of the curve in so many ways already.

 

I think after this, I don't want my mother in my life. I've tried so hard. But she is emotionally abusive. I take it because I tell myself she is mentally ill. But I've put my happiness aside for so long. Yes, it benefited me financially living there. I've saved quite a nest egg to hopefully buy a home (our old home is still for sale, ex husband convinced me to build a mansion we couldn't afford, but that's a whole 'nother story). I can't buy a home with our old home still on my credit. My debt to income is through the roof.

 

I did call the therapist, I hope she calls me back today or tomorrow and can get me in soon.

 

I feel so much better after reading your posts. I spoke to a friend about what's going on and she said Rich is turning his back on me. I logically don't feel that way, but emotionally/childishly I do. When she said she agrees I started crying. I told him on the phone "YOu want a girlfriend that can provide an easy life and I can no longer do that". He said "If that's what you think of me why would you want to be with me?" He of course denied it.

 

If he was being selfish he would have just cut me out completely. He wouldn't have let me yell at him Tuesday when I was angry. He wouldn't have texted Thursday to ask how my day was. He wouldn't have replied Saturday and Sunday when I reached out.

 

I feel so lost right now, like a child. I only ever feel like this in romantic relationships. But I want Rich to see me strong. I need to give him the space he has asked for. I need to move for my son and I, and no one else. I need to live for me.

 

Thank you guys. You've helped me to feel better. Hopefully reading and re-reading this thread will tide me over until I can get into the therapist.

[DancingFool]

In another thread you elaborated more on what he told you about leaving and frankly, he is doing you the greatest favor of your life, even if you don't like it right now. The thing is that he is in a healthy place in life and he recognizes that if he sticks around, you will never reach that place and be there with him. He is refusing to be your enabler and your crutch and he told you point blank that he knows that you will get your act together. He has faith in you. He didn't turn his back on you at all and I hope that soon you recognize that.

 

What you are feeling right now is equivalent of a tantrum and it sounds like you know it deep inside. I don't want to stand on my own two feet, it's hard. Yes, it is. However, you can and will do it and will be better off for it. He knows that you have to face this and learn that you are capable of going it without crutches and need to. The confidence that you will gain from that will last you a lifetime and I have no doubt that you will be able to look back on this and really be grateful. So, resist the tantrum and focus on practicalities.

[t1lersm0m1]

You are 100% right. He wants me to stand on my own two feet without leaning on him or anyone else. My mature, responsible side knows and sees this. But I have this child (yes, throwing a tantrum), that wants to act out. I promise you, this is NOT who I want to be.

 

I feel like he is abandoning me. But in my heart, I know that's not true. He let me yell at him Tuesday (he called and broke up with me on the phone, then I later calld him back and said I was angry and he was gonig to listen. He listened). He asked how my day was Thursday. He could have dropped off the face of the earth like my last boyfriend, but he's not. He said he is here if I need him. He told me to focus on me and getting my own place.

 

Logically, I understand that all. But there's this child that wants to come out and throw a tantrum. She wants to hurt him, make him pay. I don't know if it's because of my past abuse, my mother's alcoholicsm, my mom's emotional abuse of me, but that feeling is there, the feeling of not getting my way and wanting him to be with me NOW, not when I get my act together.

 

I know that this is wrong and that's why I'm here looking for guidance. I feel like he abandoned me, but you guys have said you can understand what he's doing, and although I understand it, there's that child that wants to throw a fit.

 

If he chooses not to be with me in the future because of my mother (he said family is a big part of life and asked me to imagine how difficult our lives will be down the road), then I know I will survive. But I can't push him away because of my actions. I need to learn to deal with hard times logically and in a mature fashion, not by throwing tantrums.

 

You don't know how badly I want to lash out at him and let him know how this makes me feel.

[t1lersm0m1]

You don't know how much I need the words you guys are giving me. I don't feel like I can talk to my close friends about how I"m feeling because I'm so ashamed. He didn't do anything to hurt me, if anything, I hurt him by keeping this from him.

 

When I look at the big picture, I can see what he is doing. I just wish I could take my profile down off the dating site. It's killing me knowing its on there. Chances are he won't see it, and if he does, it's my own dumb fault for trying to self-destruct.

[Kendahke]

Throw your tantrum in a word document. Write out your tantrum. Lash out at him in text format. Pour it all into the word document until you have nothing more to say. Empty your psyche of the vitriol.

 

Then delete it.

 

When you see your therapist, you can discuss what you wrote, how you felt, whether anything shifted in your mind to the positive, if you feel somewhat stronger to stand up to your mother, how you feel you can proceed in the future with regards to the family issue Rich brought up. It may be that "family" consists of you and your son and any other relatives who accept Rich. If they don't, they have to go. You can choose who can share your life. You may not be able to control who you're born to and whose blood you share, but you can choose who you spend your time with.

[Nala]

It is not ok to act childish when you are an adult. You must take all the steps to get to an adults stage.

[DancingFool]

I think that you need to step away from your past and realize that at one point or another, everyone feels that way about something. Nobody is really immune to having themselves a tantrum or a pity party. It's just being human. Just some people feel it more often, while others less. The very fact that you recognize this and are resisting acting out on it means that you are whole and healthy and not broken at all. Of course, it doesn't make resistance to act on it any less easy.

 

Aside from passive activities like writing it out or speaking to a therapist, have you thought about maybe picking up martial arts or kickboxing or some other such physically strenuous activity where you can release that child and literally burn off the tantrum in a disciplined fashion. Sports in general can also really boost your self esteem and sense of well being. It doesn't have to be expensive either. I think it might be wise for you to experiment a little on how to release your frustrations, because it's going to be different for each person. Like when I'm really upset and stuck, I tend to drive and explore areas and places I haven't been to. It not only soothes, but I tend to think better, and return with resolve and solutions instead of just seeing problems. A good friend of mine will go on a gardening binge. You kind of need to find that outlet that gives you peace for you, whatever it may be.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thank you for being the voices of reason.

 

I love Zumba. I should really get back to that. The joy of just dancing and having fun for an hour....I need to absorb myself in things to keep my mind occupied. I'm working and in school, I also do volunteer work, and I spend time with my son (he's a teen, so he tries to spend as little time with me as possible).

 

I think I'll find a good book on my Kindle. I'm also trying to rebuild my credit since my ex kinda ruined it (dumb me, I trusted him). I have my life on the right track. I started all of this after my break up with Erik to continue growing emotionally. Actually, school I mentioned to Rich and he said "What are you waiting for?"

 

He pushes me to be better. He's doing that now. And I love him dearly for it.

[t1lersm0m1]

I got an appointment with my therapist for Thursday at 3:00.

 

Rich had shoulder surgery right before Christmas. As of Valentine's Day he still wasn't cleared to go back to work because at his job he has to life 70+ pounds. This man, who my mother thinks is bad for me based on the color of his skin, spent Valentine's Day shoveling his truck out so as not to disappoint me. He lives in the Poconos and they got about 8 inches of snow that day. I offered to let him out of dinner, to allow him to reschedule, but he insisted we keep our plans.

 

I'm trying to remember all of the wonderful things he's done for me, so I can stop feeling so insecure. I'm a huge Disney fanatic, and he joined the Disney movie club. He got me Brave, Tangled, Frozen, Finding Nemo and The Incredibles. He got himself one single movie, Thor 2.

 

He said to me before Christmas "I probably should have asked you, but I got Tyler a Christmas present." My son loves Dr. Who. He got him a nice leather band Dr Who watch, with that time traveling phone booth thing on it (The Tardis?) He knew my son's birthday was coming up in March and he sent me a Gamestop gift card to my email address before hand.

 

He knew that I make my own laundry detergent. Although we were together several months he still tried to plan dates we would enjoy together. He found this conservation center that was having a "homemade cleaning supply class" and asked me if I wanted to do it and signed us up. He knows I love the outdoors and nature so he signed us up for a waterfall tour.

 

I feel abandoned. But I know that's not the case. This man loves me. He showed it through his actions. The things I've listed are only a few small things out of everything he did to treat me right.

 

He wants me to spread my wings and fly. At least that's what I'm going with. And he was right to step back. If he stayed in my life, he wouldn't know if I was moving out for me or for him. He told me not to do it for him. I told him I'm not (but this is the push I needed). If I moved out for him and we broke up a few months later, I would resent him. If I stay with my Mom and lose Rich, I would resent her.

 

I had told him after the fight with my Mom in December I was going to find a place to live, and then I went back on that. He was probably afraid, for his own sake, that I would go back on it again. And that's why he is saying that we can't be together in our current circumstances. But he stayed with me after December because I led him to believe my Mom was coming around. And she seemed like she could come around, but I knew deep down she was still struggling with it. And I didn't tell him that. He had no idea what I was going through, and he feels responsible.

[t1lersm0m1]

My therapy appointment is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it immensely.

 

My mother is walking around like someone died. I had texted my brother (who lives in California) to tell him I'm moving out and found a place. He reached out to my Mom (through text, he can't stand to talk to her because of how negative she is) to ask how she felt about me moving out . She told him she can't get out of bed (which is partially true, like I said, she's moping). She is trying to get me to feel sorry for her. It's all a manipulation.

 

I won't go back on this. I need to move out. I told my friend that living with her is like living on eggshells. I never know what attitude I am going to get from day to day. Today was the first day she was actually in the living room when I came home, she's usually holed up in her bedroom. We haven't been talking since I came back last week after three nights in a hotel. So I didn't really say anything to her. After about half an hour she put the remote to the tv on the table next to me and went in the bedroom. I looked up and said "Where are you going?" She said, with a broken heart, "In the bedroom."

 

Then later tonight she was asking about the place I'm moving, as if it's not big deal. Telling me I can take my Christmas tree I brought from my house, and all of the Christmas ornaments since she'll have no need to celebrate Christmas.

 

It's all a manipulation. She does this to get her way.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm struggling so much. I'm all moved into my new place. I'm in therapy. I thought getting my own place would bring Rich and I back together. But he needs time...he feels like he doesn't know me. I'm trying so hard to focus on me but I can't. I've tried letting him contact me but I haven't succeeded. I'm in a really screwed up place right now.

 

I shouldn't even want Rich back,.our relationship had no passion....but I want him back.

 

How do I focus on me? I feel like I'm losing my mind.