Should I Dump Lifelong Mama's/Daddy's Boy?

[Lolligirl]

A little background: I've been with my fiance for three years, two months. We have a baby due in a week. Our relationship has been very volatile & troubled from the beginning, and my guy has been extremely abusive--mentally and physically--but is getting better. I feel like I forced him into proposing (he proposed about a year ago), and into having a baby as well, since he "didn't want to lose me." We are both thirty years old.

 

Now, although he has been stepping up to the plate and accepting the situation, helping me get ready for the baby and such, I still feel that marriage/kids weren't something he ever really wanted (at least with me?) He has rarely ever brought up the subject of marriage on his own, or anything related to it (although we've agreed we would marry "in June," nothing has been solidified or even discussed concretely).

 

That's our history.

 

What's bugging me now is that this man is a lifelong Mommy/Daddy's boy, so much so that their relationship is emotionally incestuous. There are no boundaries between these three; he talks to them about EVERYTHING, including intimate details of our relationship. He has even called in the middle of fights to tattle on me, and several times called his mother to ask whether he should call in for work or not. Nothing is private in this family, and if one person knows something, the entire extended family does, too. My fiance was a 27-year-old, unemployed, skirt-chasing, hard-partying alcoholic living with his parents when we met, and had only lived on his own PREVIOUS to moving back in with them, for a year.

 

This man cannot make a single decision without consulting his parents, be it personal, financial, practical, ANYTHING, and has always been this way. His dad is obsessed with him, calling sometimes numerous times a day, and "following up" about every stupid little thing ("Did you pay your car insurance? Did you get that A/C working? How's your car battery running?" Etc). This has been a huge problem for the family in the past, since his father has neglected his daughter and younger son in favor of my fiance, the talented, favored musician. His father was also very abusive and neglectful to his family; my guy is a real chip off the old block.

 

My fiance calls his parents numerous times a day, every day. Everything they say is regarded as absolute truth, no matter how outrageous (i.e., "The govt won't let soldiers vote, Boy Scouts are on the Terrorist Watch List, etc). He'll disagree with my position on something, then as soon as his parents say the same, he'll agree. During my fiance's most abusive period, I gathered (his family) together for an intervention, hoping to get support from the people whose opinion he regarded most, but they chickened out and blamed his behavior on alcohol and GLUTEN. WHAT?!!!!

 

They don't find fault with anything he does, no matter how awful. His behavior matches the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder to a tee. They encourage his inappropriate calling and oversharing, and no matter how many times a day they speak, they CANNOT keep their conversations brief, running on and on until I'm rolling my eyes and audibly sighing, cluing this man in to FINALLY GET OFF THE ING PHONE. Who has that much to say to ANYONE?

 

I'm afraid that if we do get married, it will always be a marriage between four people. At thirty years old and in a three-plus year relationship, my fiance shows few signs of "leaving and cleaving." Even though we live together, and have for two years, he still considers them his "friends" and tells me that I have to "Deal with it," that's just the "Way he is."

 

We're going to have a child together. Part of me wonders if I should accept this dysfunctional family relationship for the sake of the baby (provided he can keep his act clean), and part of me can't stand the thought of living with a man-boy forever. Thoughts???

[mhowe]

What was your thought on getting pregnant by this man? Did you think he would change?

 

I would not marry him.

[Rosti87]

Too many red flags here. I would run in the opposite direction.

[sammi87]

Please, please do not force your baby into this kind of unhealthy and abusive family dynamic. Odd that your focus is on his being a "momma's boy"... While yes, his and now your relationship with his parents is unhealthy and lacks boundaries... More important is that you are having a child (aka leaving a baby at the mercy of) a person who has a history of verbal AND physical abuse.

 

You say he is doing better in that he "accepts" the situation... That is actually not good. He SHOULD be excited and welcoming towards a marriage and new baby. Believe me, things will only get harder/more stressful once their is a needy new born in the home. And your fiance has proven before that he deals with anger and stress by abusing his family members.

 

To fix this, so much therapy and participation by so many people would be required...I just don't think it would ever happen. Just get out.

[Kendahke]

I'm not getting how you saw wisdom in willfully creating an innocent child with such a person. It's not like he sprung this on you 8 1/2 months ago.

 

As to your question in the title of this thread: you never should have gotten so emotionally involved with him that having unprotected sex with him seemed a reasonable thing to do.

[DancingFool]

You owe to your child better than this. Dump the loser and focus on raising your kid in a better environment. Also, I rarely say this, but see a therapist for yourself. The string of bad choices that you've made so far is scary. Read your post - emotional and physical abuse and despite that you pushed the guy to marry you and even got knocked up. Your child needs better from you than whatever internal issues drove you to make these choices.

[mhowe]

Regardless of whether you marry him or not, I think you can expect that his parents will sue for grandparental rights --- so you are stuck with all of them, regardless.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, of course I'm going to say yes to your question. However I kind of doubt you'll take any advice on this, because a) you knew there were huge red flags from the get-go and yet continued with him and b) you pushed him to marry you and got pregnant by him knowing about these red flags including the fact he is abusive physically and unless he's getting therapy for that it won't really ever "get better." What does that even mean BTW? He only hits you once a week instead of five. "None ever, no matter the circumstances" to the question of is there any sort of abuse, mental or physical, is the only correct answer.

 

Frankly, I don't know what you were thinking, but I'd advise you to leave him in the dust, go see a lawyer now to get sole custody so you don't have a child who gets physically and emotionally damaged by these people at some point. And get therapy for why you would choose to stay in such a relationship even going to the lengths of insisting on marriage and child, presumably under the mad assumption it would magically "change" this guy and his hopelessly dysfunctional family.

[bulletproof]

So, this didn't bother you so much:

 

A little background: I've been with my fiance for three years, two months. We have a baby due in a week. Our relationship has been very volatile & troubled from the beginning, and my guy has been extremely abusive--mentally and physically--but is getting better.

My fiance was a 27-year-old, unemployed, skirt-chasing, hard-partying alcoholic living with his parents when we met, and had only lived on his own PREVIOUS to moving back in with them, for a year.

 

But this does?

His dad is obsessed with him, calling sometimes numerous times a day, and "following up" about every stupid little thing ("Did you pay your car insurance? Did you get that A/C working? How's your car battery running?" Etc).

 

Seriously, get a really, really good therapist. Choosing to bring a child into this situation is so unhealthy and detrimental that it's beyond words. My heart hurts already for the future of this child.

[mhowe]

I have a sneaking suspicion that he comes from some $$.

[bulletproof]

Also, how do you have posts from August 2012 saying you were pregnant with this guy's kid? Do you have a child with him already?

[mhowe]

People, I can't help but feel disgust and loathing every time I look at this man. I'm ashamed to be with him: I feel like I could be absolutely anybody, that I was simply "the one who said yes," that out of the hundreds of women this man attempted to bag, I was the only fish who bit. There is nothing special about us. His past behavior is an embarrassment to me, and even though it IS the past and had nothing to do with me, I still can't help but think he's a pathetic, lying piece of **** loser whom I THOUGHT I was buying at Saks Fifth Avenue, so to speak, but was actually a K-Mart special 99% off.

 

Also from your August 2012 post.

 

What is the story?

[Lolligirl]

We miscarried the first time. And no, he doesn't come from money, although he's spoiled enough to where he acts like he does.

 

Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking getting myself in this situation to begin with. I appreciate all the advice, and yes, I know I'm in need of a long-overdue therapy session or three. Love is blind, especially when you've been struggling with lifelong depression as I have.

 

Now that I've gotten myself in this situation, I just don't know what to do.

[mhowe]

Get out of it.

Break up, have the baby ---- keep it or give it up for adoption.

 

You do not like, love or respect this guy. How you are still involved defies imagination.

[t1lersm0m1]

Please take the advice you asked for on this board. Don't let this advice fall on deaf ears. Surround yourself with loving family and friends and get into therapy.

[ParisPaulette]

What do you do? You follow the advice given already repeatedly on this board. You will have to be the one to implement to actual doing of these things though--i.e. you will have to go pack your bags, find another place to live, seek out an attorney etc. No one else can or will do that for you, you have to get up out of your chair and as the old slogan says "just do it."

 

We can't leave him for you, you have to do that.

[lavenderdove]

OK, here is what is going to happen... you'll have the baby, and you'll expect him to step up and be a man and a good father. He'll get bored and annoyed at how much work babies are, how they scream all night, how you're nagging him to do this and that that he doesn't want to do.

 

Then he'll move home with his parents and start dating some other girl. Then your child will be spending lots of time with Granny and Gramps raising your kid to turn out just like your BF. And if you try to stop them, they'll probably try to sue for custody of your kid and to try to get you to pay them child support.

 

Seriously, you were out of your head when you thought this was a good idea. My suggestion is that if you have family elsewhere (preferably several states away from them) you move right away and raise your child out of reach of these nutty and abusive people. Otherwise it is going to be a war over who controls this kid (and abuses it) for the rest of your life. He'll be running around with some new girl who is younger/freer and unhindered by a kid and Granny and Grampa will be taking care of your kid every other weekend (and more than that if they try to sue for custody).

 

And do NOT ever marry him. that gives him far more rights and leverage over your life and your child than if you never married him. Immediately seek the counsel of an attorney on how to protect your child and ensure you get full custody of the baby before they try to snatch it from you.

[abitbroken]

Why did you not RUN after the miscarriage? What made you WILFULLY make a child with this man??? Yes, willfully. Let's just chalk the first pregnancy up to an accident and you got a big wake up call at that time. You chose to make this baby intentionally or you were not using birth control. The ship has sailed about him not being in your life. He will. Either as husband or as the father of your baby. You need personal counseling otherwise you will end up meeting and trying to keep another loser.

[Iggles]

I haven't read any of the responses yet --

 

My first thought is, why did YOU choose this man??? You knew who he was. Did you think you could mold him into what you wanted??

 

You chose an overgrown baby to father your child, you are STUCK for the rest of your life with having to deal with these people whether you stay with the child's father or not.

 

There's no use in crying over spilled milk. Focus on being a good mom and putting boundaries in place with these people. End the relationship, find your own place -- or if possible move in with family. Set up a shared custody plan and try to do your best to co-parent. That will involve his family btw, since that's how he rolls.

[Ms Darcy]

Seriously, get a really, really good therapist. Choosing to bring a child into this situation is so unhealthy and detrimental that it's beyond words. My heart hurts already for the future of this child.

 

He's physically abusive and you're concerned about him being a mama's boy? Really??

 

I can't even begin to tell you the red flags YOU are putting up sister. You need help asap.

 

Your poor child.

[bulletproof]

We miscarried the first time. And no, he doesn't come from money, although he's spoiled enough to where he acts like he does.

 

Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking getting myself in this situation to begin with. I appreciate all the advice, and yes, I know I'm in need of a long-overdue therapy session or three. Love is blind, especially when you've been struggling with lifelong depression as I have.

 

Now that I've gotten myself in this situation, I just don't know what to do.

 

Here are the steps for what to do:

1. Don't blame "love is blind" or depression for the situation. Accept responsibility.

2. Break up with him.

3. Make a decision about the pregnancy- keep or adoption.

4. Go to therapy for an extended period of time.