Can domestic abuse ever be forgiven?

[lavenderdove]

>>The thing is I do believe that he would never do any of these things again because he knows that I would leave him if he did,

 

All abused women think this... until it happens again. You need to be aware that men who abuse women have an extremely poor prognosis for changing. They just don't. If you leave, they just find another woman to abuse. If you stay, they keep abusing you.

 

I would not stay one moment longer with anyone who did anything such as threatening to kill my dog. I hope you see how horrible this all is, the things he is saying, the things he is doing to you, the things he is threatening, including killing himself which is an extremely manipulative gesture.

 

Also note that the most dangerous time for abused women is when women leave their men. He's as or more likely to kill you or seriously injure you than he is himself if you try to leave. So if you are planning on leaving, I suggest you contact a woman's shelter on forming a 'safety' plan to move out in a way that protects you and your dog. The advice there is usually to not fill him in that you are leaving, just make a plan, then one day when he is out, bring others with you to protect you and get all your stuff out. And then move somewhere where he doesn't know where you are and never speak to him again. You think his behavior is about 'love' but it has nothing to do with love at all, but is about controlling you and dominating you and abusive men can be extremely dangerous when they feel out of control.

 

So it is out of the question that you should try to stay with someone who behaves this way. And more serious and dangerous to you than you think to you and your pet. Take his threats to YOU seriously. Odds are high that if he realizes you are really going to leave, he could harm you. And far less likely that he will harm himself, unless it becomes a murder-suicide situation.

 

So call a woman's shelter or hotline and get a plan to exit safely. They are experts at getting women away from abusive men. And STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM. He's abusing you and manipulating you to try to control you. Anyone who threatens to hurt you and does, and threatens to kill your dog is a BAD MAN. Don't kid yourself about that.

 

And start being honest with your family and friends after you leave him. If you tell them this, NO ONE would recommend you stay with him. He SHOULDN'T be protected and SHOULD get in trouble if he is abusing you. It is illegal and scary, and I hope you realize how much risk you are taking being with him, as you are not taking his violence and threats really seriously. This shouldn't be a question of you debating whether you love him or not, but about how soon you can get away from someone who is abusive, mentally unstable, and threatening to harm you and your pet.

[abitbroken]

Please call 911 if he grabs out a razor rather than agree to stay. That way they can take him to a hospital or prevent himself from harming you or himself.

 

He will remain dependent on you so you don't leave. Guaranteed.

 

Honestly, I would pack a bag and a few other things and take it to a friends house so you can just walk out the door one day and either call him from there and tell him its over, or have family and friends waiting right outside the door or with you in your home in the next room. That is the only way to do it now. He knows how you feel. No need for another "talk".

 

And find a place to go - whether it is a friends sofa for the rest of the month until you can find a place, a women's shelter or hotel.

OR is your name on the lease and you can have him removed.

 

Do NOT change your mind - you must leave this relationship.

I made excuses and I ended up in a very bad situation - worse than I could have imagined.

[lavenderdove]

btw, he's already hauled out a razor and is willing to use it. Next time it could be on you or your pet. Seriously, stop talking to him about your plans and make IMMEDIATE plans to get out but keep them to yourself. Don't talk to him again about this. Call a woman's shelter and let them know how he is behaving, and get their advice on how to get out safely. Today he is being dramatic and trying to manipulate you and play on your sympathies, but tomorrow he may start getting angry and turn that rage on you and your dog and seriously injure or kill one or both of you.

 

My suggestion is that while he is out, you pack a bag and move back in with your family or friends and tell them what is going on (and take the dog with you). Then you can go back and get your stuff again with other people in attendance (and the police if necessary). The second he starts to threaten suicide and hauls out a weapon like a razor, it is time to get professionals involved and go full tilt into protecting yourself and your pet because this guy is totally out of control and dangerous.

[abitbroken]

Listen to yourself - you won't TAKE CARE of yourself because you don't want to hurt his feelings? Does your feelings or physical body matter?

[abitbroken]

btw, i am an abuse survivor myself so am not just "being hard on you." I was one of the lucky ones and got out before I was seriously physically hurt - though the mental scars are there and my health deteriorated.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Please call 911 if he grabs out a razor rather than agree to stay. That way they can take him to a hospital or prevent himself from harming you or himself.

If he's threatened to kill himself, they can put him under an involuntary psychiatric hold for anywhere up to 72 hours (three days), depending on where you live. Sure, I know you don't want to see that, him cutting himself, but you are not responsible for his actions and that is essentially what he's doing, trying to manipulate you into being responsible.

 

What the others have said about getting out of there. I can understand why you don't want to rock the boat right now with your final exams hanging over your head but start making plans in you head and as soon as you can, get out.

[AncientTech]

Thanks again for all your responses.

 

I understand that convincing myself it will never happen again is common and everyone always thinks "There's no way that will happen again to me", but I genuinely don't see it going back to as bad as it was. He's been honest about how truly terrible what he did to me was, all of it, and has been willing to listen to why I feel bad and has apologised for it. There hasn't been any violence in over five months now, even during bad arguments, and apart from these episodes which seem very manipulative he has started to do everything right. I just don't believe he's truly trying to manipulate me, he just doesn't want to lose me and can't help feeling the urge to harm himself to take the emotional pain away. Today I made it clear that I wouldn't accept any more threats to hurt himself, let alone me, or it would immediately be the final straw, and he agreed. Is it just me or is that quite unusual? I'd have expected someone who had it in them to be violent to their partner to have shown it again by now. Then again I've come to understand that the abuse has moved from physical to emotional, I just find it hard to accept he's doing it on purpose.

 

I guess all of this is a moot point when I'm not in love with him anymore and doubt I could even get over the cheating, let alone the violence. I will try to keep my logical side firmly in control and leave when the time is right or immediately if anything else negative happens. Maybe talking to a good friend I can trust to get their advice would be a good idea? I'm just terrified of escalating this and getting him in trouble because I don't feel like he truly meant to hurt me and I can kind of see how his troubled past has lead to all this. I feel like deep down he's a sweet guy who doesn't want to hurt me. I also feel like the guilty one because he's told me everything can be good now so if I end it I feel like that's just me being selfish and ruining everything. I remember giving advice in another post about a girl who broke up with her abusive boyfriend and saying she has nothing to feel guilty for, but I can't help feeling guilty myself!

[metrogirl]

You make an awful lot of excuses for him.

 

He has you snowed and his plots to keep you near are working. He knows anytime he wants he can play the suicide card to keep you right where he wants you. So no, you haven't escaped his abuse, he's just doing it differently now.

[abitbroken]

There hasn't been any violence in over five months now, even during bad arguments, and apart from these episodes which seem very manipulative he has started to do everything right.

 

Well...My ex's family said that I should be lucky and thankful to be with such a wonderful man - afterall, he has never broken my arm and some guys do that. Should I have stayed with someone simply because he never broke my arm??? I think you are making excuses. The "bad arguments' should be enough. Couples shouldn't have them. Arguing from time to time is one thing but bad arguments PLURAL, plus you not counting the threatened razoring as violence, etc, - this is all bad news and the reason why you don't leave is you have become terribly codependent. Trust me, he is saying "all the right things" right now, but it will never be "better" for real and for good. My ex used to cry enough crocodile tears and be "vulnerable" just enough to illicit pity from me or to show that he was "changing". And I'd be sucked right back in.

 

He is not sitting back like a mastermind and saying "oh, how can i manipulate her?" He is not even conscious of some of it and is either mentally ill or learned these things as a way of survival in his own family. And it is for the birds.

 

I also feel like the guilty one because he's told me everything can be good now

 

He was violent, threated to razor himself if you left and all that and yet YOU are the one who should feel GUILTY over this?? He is being sickeningly sweet to make you stay. But this is not the last of this. He will have other episodes. He will continue to isolate or continue to be dependent on you so you won't leave.

 

If you want to keep telling us "i will leave when the time is right". When is the time right? a certain phase of the moon? When SOMEONE ELSE like a neighbor or relative calls the police because you won't? When he hurts you even if he doesn't attack you but even as collateral damage when he tries to hurt himself?

 

This is the time to leave, when things are a little bit calm and he is not expecting it. Pack up some things. Talk to a woman's shelter about abuse survivor counseling and support and find a place to stay even temporarily or start looking for a female roommate. If you can swing all of the rent or half right now, it will only take a couple weeks to get in with a roomie.

 

I was an an abusive relationship for over a decade and it was 10 years too many. If you stay, in five years you will be saying "its finally getting better now". In 8 years you will say the same.

 

No more excuses. He will be FINE eventually after you leave. He will latch on to another victim eventually. The difference if you don't leave is you will eventually lose your confidence about yourself, second guess everything in life, and be a wreck if you haven't already. When I started my relationship I had a good career going and an abusive relationship made me almost a shell of a woman when it was through and the changes are just sickening. The only way you will be better is if you create physical space and time between the two of you.

[AncientTech]

Thank you both for your responses. That makes a lot of sense, I already feel like I've been changed by all of this and it has to stop. People keep saying, 'You always seem so depressed these days!' and I'm normally the one making everyone laugh. I just wanted to explore every avenue before I left, because when you've been together a while it's hard to let go, even if really bad things have happened. Looking at it objectively I should have left a really long time ago though, because I've allowed myself to be put in danger.

 

The other night he actually encouraged me to speak to a professional to get advice about domestic abuse, and said he was willing to do the same, even if it means incriminating himself. So I do think he realises the extent of the damage and just wants us to be happy together again, but he can't help himself from being manipulative and abusive (not physically now, more emotionally). But I am not going through the hell of therapy/counselling or whatever if I don't even want to be with him. I just can't be happy again with someone that's so much as laid a hand on me, let alone what he's done.

 

Just getting my thoughts out at this point, thanks so much everyone for your help!

[nutbrownhare]

The other night he actually encouraged me to speak to a professional to get advice about domestic abuse, and said he was willing to do the same, even if it means incriminating himself. So I do think he realises the extent of the damage and just wants us to be happy together again, but he can't help himself from being manipulative and abusive (not physically now, more emotionally). But I am not going through the hell of therapy/counselling or whatever if I don't even want to be with him. I just can't be happy again with someone that's so much as laid a hand on me, let alone what he's done.

 

It's not that unusual for an abuser to agree to counselling ('promising to change') but actually attending and sticking with it is very, very unusual.

 

If you want to go through with therapy, do so for yourself - not least so that you won't be choosing, staying with or making excuses for someone like this again.

[AncientTech]

Hi everyone, this should be my last post on this thread as I just wanted to say it's all finally over. I left yesterday and came to my mum's. I was very stupid and didn't follow everyone's advice, I stayed much longer than I should have, and again tried to have a "chat" yesterday about why I needed to leave him as I felt it was the decent thing to do. Emotions ruled over common sense in that scenario. He didn't let me go calmly, he was physically blocking me from leaving and there was a struggle in which he really hurt my arm (it still hurts now). I had to call my mum to calm him down but eventually made it out. He came to her house (about an hour away) in the middle of the night because I wasn't answering his calls but we didn't let him in. This morning I had 69 text messages and three voicemails from him. He was standing out alone in the street crying and it was absolutely heartbreaking to think about, but I had to ignore him.

 

All of this could have been avoided if I'd followed everyone's advice and left quietly today when he went to the theme park with his friends (he still went, so he can't be that upset, right?) He doesn't seem to be able to let go though, and it's making it so hard for me. Despite what he's done I can't help feeling really bad for him. My friends said it's not for me to look after him, he needs his family and his friends to do that and I need to stop contacting him. That's right, isn't it? I just need to ignore all his messages and not let him get to me?

[Feast]

So sorry you are dealing with this, you seem like a very kind caring person. He is acting so extreme and without self control, not only when he was violent with you, but also the suicidal comments, 69 messages, etc. There is no fixing this, he has mental health issues that you are not responsible for; I've tried to help an ex with problems and I regret trying to this day, it can really backfire. Let it go and let him find help on his own. I'm worried he won't let you go for a long time, stay strong, prepare yourself to handle continued attempts by him. All women should leave a dating relationship if he is violent, there is no reason to put up with that!