My beautiful crazy med student GF

[Sara87]

I am in London, gf is in the US. She told me a couple days ago she has a blood test, shes freaking out about a health concern. she's a med student and this has good and bad affects on her own diagnosis. She knows more medically so the fact that she's worried I'm worried. But also she could be self diagnosing and just freaking out. She hasn't mentioned it to anyone but me and won't talk to her family until she has definitive answers. I'm trying to keep us busy in the evenings, talking and even first time ever we played online games together. Just to distract her and letting her know I'm here. I'm angry cause WHY am I being selfish and making this about me? But I feel so frustrated that she won't tell me what it is. She's apologized for acting weird but it doesn't take away my frustration. I love her I want to know. She's one of those people that act crazy strong, like they don't need anyone. And the fact she's told me this much is a huge sign how much she loves me etc. but why do I want more? And I haven't slept since she's told me.

 

I hate that I'm even remotely thinking about myself when I know how alone and scared she must be feeling.

[RedDress]

I don't think that you are being selfish, I think that she is being unfair.

 

It is unfair, IMO, to tell you that she might be suffering from something and ask you for your support but not tell you what that something is. Either she trusts you to tell you (and she should trust you fully) or she should go through it alone. She is not thinking about your feelings, how that fear might affect you, allowing you to do your own research and come to terms with the potential diagnosis and find appropriate ways to be supportive. She isn't asking you to go through it together, she is asking you to be an emotional wreck. And for all you know... it could be a paper cut.

 

Frankly - and maybe I am cold-hearted - but I wouldn't fret about something if you can't tell me what I'm fretting about...

[RainyCoast]

^^ yeah. If she goes as far as scaring you into seriously worrying about her health it would make sense to tell you what it is. She told you she's concerned so if she wants you to be involved you ought to know what you're involved in. Bring this up again and ask.

 

she could have been over reading things. She could be a drama queen seeking attention with vague assumed tragedies. We don't know, you'd be the better judge of that. Has she taken her concerns to her doctor and done tests?

 

She could be right. I've been labelled as crazy for having complained about health issues and erroneous diagnoses for 20 years. Until I started experiencing severe seizures, bouts of paralysis, hepatosplenomegaly and many more worrisome issues, been rushed to the er with serious cardiac complications and it turned out I've lyme disease, untreated for 20 years and even though I'm finally treated most of my symptoms won't disappear as the damage has already been done. Through it all, what I resented the most was that even the people closest to me refused to take me seriously. Of course they're remorseful now. That doesn't help, my body has been damaged due to neglect on the part of physicians and that I felt ridiculed even by my closest circle has made me generally distrustful and feeling alone, humiliated and uncared for.

 

Ask more. If she tells you, keep in mind she needs check ups with docs and testing for whatever it may be. Don't dismiss her concerns at once, it's much less a catastrophe to be supportive during a false alarm than to not be supportive during an actual health crisis. That being said, she'll have to share some information about it. It makes no sense getting you panicky without coming clean about the reason and really just sounds like immature dramatizing to me.

[Sara87]

I kinda understand your point because why tell me, make me worry but not really tell me any specifics. Although her reasoning for mentioning it in the first place was she didn't want us to have any issues if she was acting weird/cold.

I just feel slightly neglected I suppose, in the sense that I am SOOO worried, I literally can't sleep, I absolutely love her like crazy and not knowing is upsetting me. But of course I'm being the perfect partner, being supportive without even raising the issue.

[Sara87]

Her being a drama queen or attention seeking is completely out of the question. If anything she completely despises drama and is extremely level headed.

Last night I spent time trying to convince her to speak to her mom. I care that much that I'd rather she told someone who could go to the doctors with her etc.

But her argument is, why worry anyone including her parents until she has some further information. Which sure I agree with, but I don't think rules like that apply to parents.

[RedDress]

Although her reasoning for mentioning it in the first place was she didn't want us to have any issues if she was acting weird/cold.

...

Last night I spent time trying to convince her to speak to her mom.

...

Which sure I agree with, but I don't think rules like that apply to parents.

 

Just playing devil's advocate - but isn't that the point of a relationship?

 

I understand not wanting to tell the world and making a big deal. I understand wanting to keep it under wraps. But if she is worried enough about something to think she might be weird/cold, why isn't she sharing that with you? A big part of a relationship is being emotionally intimate (otherwise it's just sex?).

[Sara87]

Just playing devil's advocate - but isn't that the point of a relationship?

 

I understand not wanting to tell the world and making a big deal. I understand wanting to keep it under wraps. But if she is worried enough about something to think she might be weird/cold, why isn't she sharing that with you? A big part of a relationship is being emotionally intimate (otherwise it's just sex?).

 

 

She's absolutely my best friend. It definitely isn't just physical.

she's told me a few times that its not that she doesn't want to share with me and she definitely plans on talking to me about it soon. Just until after her results or she knows 100%. She said she doesn't want to confront it/ talk about it/ think about it.

I've pointed out that she's way too smart to have that level of detachment.

 

I'm in London right now and it has crossed my mind to fly over to see her but again that'll be making a big deal out of something and I know she doesn't want that.

 

I suppose I just gotta suck it up and let the next couple days go however she wants. Its just a bit draining to be the one that's constantly trying to be funny, witty, distracting, making her laugh...but I love her so whatever she wants.

[RainyCoast]

"until she has more information"...What does that mean, more test results? Has she even told you whether her doctor is examining her and getting labwork done? If he/she is, at least it would make sense to keep you updated what her results are like so far. Perhaps she's not seeing a doctor at all and relying on her own, possibly erroneous interpretation of literature? Has she mentioned feeling sick or having any symptoms prior to diagnosing herself with "that which must not be named"?

It's wonderful and right of you to trust and support her. Still, I wouldn't cut her too much slack. She brought it up and has you worried sick without a single bit of data to back the alarm with.

If she is sick and insists on going through this so "independently" ( I wouldn't say upsetting someone with no information is going about it in a self-sufficient or level-headed manner) are you okay being cut out or would you want to be more involved? Not much of a testimony of a good relationship if one is cut out of an aspect of the other's life as major as health concerns.

 

If I were you, she would have to explain. The way she's going about it now makes no sense. I hope it turns out allright.

[Sara87]

As far as I know.... she is having tests today.

That's it.

 

Last night when we spoke and she told me her sole reason for telling me...in case I noticed a difference in the way she was being. I said truthfully I hadn't apart from one day last week when she told me she wasn't up for talking and wanted to just sleep. Which was the first time ever she's been like that but I put it down to a long day at work.

 

I think she had a concern ( a symptom maybe?) spoke to her doc and she's going for tests today.

[RainyCoast]

That sounds a bit more promising then..Would've been better to tell you more but I guess she could've been freaked out and confused, dunno..I'd still be careful if she doesn't explain after the test results come back. Otherwise just explain you were worried sick and would like to be more involved next time.

Fingers crossed

[luminousone]

Just hang in there- it could be anything or it could be nothing. My brother used to freak out when he was in medical school- you learn about all of these conditions and diseases and then if they have one little twitch then their imaginations run wild.

 

My brother called my mom and said he some weird disease because he had a rash. She told him it was more likely he was allergic to the harsh detergents they use to wash the uniforms. He insisted he was the "expert" but in the end she was right.

 

He's a great doctor now, years later...and he knows to stay away from self diagnosis, nor will he advise or treat friends or family members.

 

Hope all goes well and your gf hears good news soon!

[Sara87]

Thank you : )

 

I think, good or bad news, she will talk to me for sure.

I think I just felt like I was being selfish for wanting more. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be a good partner and give her the support she needs, instead of feeling annoyed and frustrated.

Lord knows, she has done it for me in the past. Just given me whatever it was I needed.

But yeah keeping everything crosses

[Sara87]

Haha maybe Doctors make the worst patients.

and maybe moms really know best!

 

 

Just hang in there- it could be anything or it could be nothing. My brother used to freak out when he was in medical school- you learn about all of these conditions and diseases and then if they have one little twitch then their imaginations run wild.

 

My brother called my mom and said he some weird disease because he had a rash. She told him it was more likely he was allergic to the harsh detergents they use to wash the uniforms. He insisted he was the "expert" but in the end she was right.

 

He's a great doctor now, years later...and he knows to stay away from self diagnosis, nor will he advise or treat friends or family members.

 

Hope all goes well and your gf hears good news soon!

[ThatwasThen]

Prior to reading my rant, do know that I hope she's just being the drama queen she appears to be. Bottomline... YOU have no reason to beat yourself up. Its how she's handled this that should be beat up.

 

She's one of those people that act crazy strong

Well, I think you're half right. I find it quite crazy that she would tell you only so much and then cause all this drama. If she didn't want to say then she should have just kept the whole blood test thing to herself as well.

 

I hate that I'm even remotely thinking about myself when I know how alone and scared she must be feeling.

Really? Alone? She's chosen to make herself so.

 

She's being a drama queen about all this and her telling you only half of it (the blood test) and nothing more is total proof of that. Don't beat yourself up for this drama. If she was really scared then she would tell you what it was she's being tested for (unless maybe it was some sort of STD then I can see her waiting but even then, not telling you about the blood test even).

 

I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be a good partner and give her the support she needs, instead of feeling annoyed and frustrated.

I am annoyed and frustrated with her and I don't even know her. lol.

 

Why even burden you about the blood test if she wasn't going to to tell you what she was being tested for? Makes ZERO sense to the logical thinker like me. (and apparently you as well).

[Sara87]

It’s definitely not an STD. but I kind of see what you mean.

I feel like I’m portraying her in a negative way when I truly don’t believe she did this for any attention or intended on me freaking out so much. Of course, she’s not aware of this as I’m just playing it off super cool and just being supportive.

I guess also she mentioned she should hopefully know by the weekend so I’m not really prepared to make a huge deal out of something that almost has an end date.

[ThatwasThen]

Here's a bit of unsolicited advice for your future together: Form a personal boundary with her and don't let her do this again. Keep your eyes open for future drama queen activity. If she does something like this to you again,(only gives you half a story for dramatic affect) I suggest you don't play it so cool and tell her that her telling you only half the story does nothing for your ability to help her or subsequently yourself be calm and patient while she waits out the outcome.

 

Good luck, hope the test is just more drama and not much more.

 

What she did was very unfair to you. Know that and don't make excuses for that kind of behaviour ad nauseam.

 

because:

Her being a drama queen or attention seeking is completely out of the question. If anything she completely despises drama and is extremely level headed.

Her actions belay the exact opposite to your insertion. Really, no guff, luv. Even if her intentions are sub-conscious a rose by any other name is still a rose.

[Sara87]

I'm trying to be supportive right now. But definitely when she does decide to fill me in, I will be telling her all of this and more.

I want to know everything or nothing at all. We're either a team or we're not. But I suppose right now, I just don't wanna add anything to an already difficult situation for her.

 

You guys have no idea how helpful you have been - After the weekend, do you think I should send her this link?

[RainyCoast]

the link to the forum you mean? No. I wouldn't at least.

Just observe her response. If this is a valid health concern she's not to play peekaboo, once she brings it up with you it's up, no playing games to get you obsessing about her behavior or health.

I still have my drama queen alert on. I hope I'm wrong.

Also, I don't know where she lives but I'm not located in the most "advanced" area myself and most bloodwork doesn't take this long. A differential blood count would be there on the same or next day and in most cases it's the first thing you do before you do any further testing. Hormones...could take up to a week I guess. An appointment with a specialist would take a while but she would probably have discussed her health with a gp prior to that and would have gotten her docs opinion. I mean, there would have been indications or partial information by now that she could be sharing with you, it's not likely her diagnosis depends on a single test? Also, if she sounded well before and only recently developed symptoms that drove her to get a check up it's probably not very serious yet and it doesn't make sense for a medically educated woman to freak out over something diagnosed this early on. Pardon me for allowing my imagination to distrust her here but she acts very strangely so we can't be blamed to assume this is some weird maneuver on her part...Hopefully we're wrong and she's just acting weird cause she's scared for her health. Still doesn't change the fact she wasn't very considerate about it to you.

[Sara87]

I absolutely guarantee this isn't a drama queen stunt.

Well her test is at some point today and she said she should have the results by the weekend.

 

I think very simply she told me in case she was behaving out of the ordinary. She probably doesn't realise how much it has even affected me.

Bring on the weekend I say! This is too stressful

[lavenderdove]

It is EXTREMELY common for young medical students/interns to assume that EVERYONE, including themselves, has every possible exotic disease that they study. So what she is doing is quite common, and young doctors have to go thru this phase before they outgrow it. As in a cough (it's lung cancer), a swollen lymph node (it's leukemia), a certain low or high blood reading (it's this or that horrible disease).

 

So she is most likely getting herself all worked up over nothing, and you too. Not that she can't be ill, but odds are stronger that she's got 'new doctor' syndrome where she sees bears and dangerous bugaboos behind every bush so to speak.

[Sara87]

Lol that post made me laugh. If all is well with her, I'm gonna insist on being the doc in the relationship and keeping her calm haha

[ThatwasThen]

I think very simply she told me in case she was behaving out of the ordinary. She probably doesn't realise how much it has even affected me.

This is what you have to stop her from doing again. Communicate to her that telling you only half the story isn't helpful to her or you. In future don't stay quiet because you think you're being selfish feeling your emotional response to this. That is not what partnerships are about. You need to communicate in a matter of fact, calm way that she needs to divulge things like this in full or not at all (doing that is simply a personal boundary that you adhere to and you'd like her to as well that will avoid this kind of situation in the future.)

 

Bring on the weekend I say! This is too stressful

It needn't have been so learn from it for the future. (Anxiety over the outcome yes, angst over what she may have, no).

 

Pls let us know how she is. Hopefully she's not going to tell you what she thought she had if her test comes back negative... That to me would be just as frustrating.

 

What are her symptoms? Did she even tell you those?

[Sara87]

Actually, I think I want to know, no matter what the outcome.

 

I've known this girl a long long time and truthfully its me that has the crazy life and she's always my anchor. This is the first time where she's needed me or brought some "drama" to our relationship. So in a way, I'm letting her have her moment and doing the best I can. But once it is all over I will be addressing all of these issues.

[ThatwasThen]

Actually, I think I want to know, no matter what the outcome.

That's what I'm afraid of ~ That she'll just say "well it was nothing so why do you need to know what I thought it was"

 

once it is all over I will be addressing all of these issues.

Well done and good luck with it all.

[Sara87]

Oh I'm gonna insist although I reckon she would tell me anyway.

 

And yes to addressing everything - as grateful as I am for being able to vent to you guys and getting some different perspectives on the situation. I have a girlfriend and that's the person I wanna turn to.

 

 

 

That's what I'm afraid of ~ That she'll just say "well it was nothing so why do you need to know what I thought it was"

 

Well done and good luck with it all.