Is This Cheating?

[WeeToad]

I know I have a small saga of posts on here, but if ya'll could set that aside for some objective feedback. I'm curious what the status quo, so to speak, on what constitutes cheating. I'm wondering if I am more liberal or more prudish than the norm regarding this, or on the same page as most.

 

If you were dating someone exclusively (male or female, doesn't matter) and they were sexting with members of the opposite sex on their phone, would you consider that a form of cheating? Would it bother you?

 

Would it make a difference whether or not they were hiding it from you?

 

Would it make a difference whether or not you had a healthy sex life with them?

 

Would it make a difference whether they knew these men/women in real life or not?

 

For me, I guess I tend to be an extremely loyal person. I probably take it even further than most. If I'm dating someone exclusively, I don't even flirt with other people, and I would never engage in sexual/romantic texting with friends of mine on my phone. But maybe that's just me?

 

What are your expectations in a relationship when it comes to loyalty and what constitutes cheating?

[Moontiger]

I would not be OK with it and would dump the person.

[and so it goes]

I'm extremely Liberal (I think) and forgiving and pretty casual about things but I would definitely NOT be happy with my partner sexting someone they knew. I don't know if it's cheating but it's on the road to cheating and I'm not cool with that. I'm not sure if it would be a dumping offense but pretty close to it.

 

Some very minor flirting here and there is ok within certain parameters or people.

 

If they were sexting with someone who they didn't know (like a sexting service for money or something - I'm sure that exists somewhere) then I would be sort-of ok with that I guess (I think it's lame, but akin to watching porn, which I'm ok with generally speaking) but I think it's dumb and I wouldn't like it (just watch porn already and be done with it)

 

Cheating definition: someone on here wrote that if you wouldn't do/say xyz to someone in front of one's partner then it is not ok to do. That might be a good rule of thumb for those unsure of where the lines are drawn. Obviously it is very subjective from couple to couple.

[Jaynia24]

I consider sexting as cheating

[shes2smart]

So, here's what my guidelines are.

 

It's all about knowledge and consent.

 

1. SO knows what you are doing/plan to do and consents to it = not cheating

 

2. SO knows what you are doing/plan to do and does not consent to it = cheating

 

3. SO does not know what you are doing/plan to do and since they don't know they can't grant or withhold consent = cheating

 

Over the course of our marriage my husband and I have had various agreements/arrangements involving other people that an outside observer would probably call cheating. We never saw it as that because we were both aware of what was going on, what the boundaries were, and talked it pretty much to death and agreed to it before hand.

 

It's my opinion that it's not sexual activity with others in and of itself that's the problem....it's the lying and sneaking around behind your SO's back that causes the real damage.

 

With my full knowledge, consent (and, in fact, encouragement) my husband had a "fetish girlfriend" for a while. He's got some fetishes that I have no interest in and do not share. I gave it a good try to participate with him for many years, but I reached my limit with it. We met someone who shared his fetish and who we both liked and that arrangement worked out well for all of us until she accepted a job out of town and moved away.

 

On the other hand, the credit card debt he racked up behind my back and never mentioned to me....that's threatening to torpedo the marriage.

 

So, yeah, lying to one's partner, going behind their back and hiding things.....that's what does the real damage. It doesn't really matter what it is you lie about/hide/do behind their back -- sexual, financial or otherwise -- the damage is in the lack of honesty.

[lady00]

Cheating is whatever the couple involved deems it to be. I would not do this nor would I be OK if my boyfriend did this. For other couples, the answer might be different. I don't think there is a universal correct response.

[Capricorn3]

I would not be okay with it. It's the total lack of respect he shows to you AND your relationship. I'd pack his bags and show him the door, but that's just me.

[WeeToad]

I agree with this. Had never reflected and articulated it, but reading your post, I agree and identify with it. I think what has really chapped my buns, is that it was hidden from me, deliberately. I was told the guy felt "embarrassed" but I too strongly suspect it was "guilt" and not embarrassed. It makes me wonder what else the guy would have thought was 'okay' and what else he would have had no problem hiding from me. Maybe even if it is not considered cheating, I feel betrayed, and "cheating" is the only label I know to put on that, when sexuality is involved.

[mmnyc5052]

If you are sexting someone other than your SO it is cheating. It may not be physical but clearly it is emotionally abusive and wrong. To me it doesn't matter if they've hidden it or not, if you send a sexually explicit text to a member of the opposite sex you are deceiving your gf/bf. I would not put up with it and tell them to find themselves the nearest door to walk out of.

[catfeeder]

I'd walk away from anyone who did that, and none of the qualifiers matter.

 

I limit my private definition of cheating as exchanging body fluids, but that doesn't mean anything short of that isn't disloyal.

 

Either I can trust someone or I can't. When I can't, I'm clear on that.

[ParisPaulette]

I apologize in advance for the book here, but I've seen so many of these types of posts recently that I am going to say everything I have to say on this matter. And from here on out I'll just link back to this post for future reference.

 

First, let's start with the basics. You both agree to be exclusive meaning you do not see other people or in any way engage in activities with other people of a sexual nature, period end of story. This means no sexting, no trading naughty pictures, no form of communication of a sexual nature, no running to them with relationship problems instead of to the person you are exclusive with. And of course no sexual activity in any way, shape or form--even kissing or light making out.

 

If one of you wants an open relationship or isn't the monogamous kind then you'd better speak up at the beginning of the relationship about it. Anything else is you lying and entrapping your partner by presenting a false picture to them of who you are and what you want. Also, zero tolerance for double standards should be applied--if they pitch a fit over your opposite sex friendships, but are on the phone night and day to a variety of female "friends" then it's time to bounce them out on their ear hard. Ditto females doing the same.

 

Now to answer your questions:

 

If you were dating someone exclusively (male or female, doesn't matter) and they were sexting with members of the opposite sex on their phone, would you consider that a form of cheating? Would it bother you?

 

If they've agreed to be exclusive to me and we have not both agreed that we can do this with other people then yes it's cheating. It's only not cheating if they've told me they want to do this before we become exclusive and I've said, "I'm cool with that." And I have then explained that I will be doing the same with my male friends and the SO is cool with it too. (I'm a huge, huge proponent of equal in all roles of a relationship)

 

Would it make a difference whether or not they were hiding it from you? No, if they change the behavior they agreed to with me at the beginning of the relationship I mind period.

 

Would it make a difference whether or not you had a healthy sex life with them? No, the most prolific cheater I knew had a regular sex life with his wife, 15 kids by her, a full-time mistress and he hit on anything that moved. I think it's safe to say that his sex life with his wife had zero to do with his need to conquer every of age female he saw moving and breathing.

 

Would it make a difference whether they knew these men/women in real life or not? As long as it is another live person on the end of that email/phone/text/their fingers then yes it makes a difference to me. I don't give a crap if it's my best friend or the girl they met on Craigslist or a sexcam operator they are in trouble.

 

Again, my bottom line is if they've agreed to an exclusive relationship and they then do this to me later down the road, openly or not, I consider they lied to me from the get-go. I am never okay with lying. If they want to do that after we're exclusive then we are breaking up, because I didn't sign up for that. If I knew about it beforehand and I get to do it too, no problem. (That equality thing again)

 

For me, I guess I tend to be an extremely loyal person. I probably take it even further than most. If I'm dating someone exclusively, I don't even flirt with other people, and I would never engage in sexual/romantic texting with friends of mine on my phone. But maybe that's just me?

 

You say this as if you were the odd one out and no one else is ever like this--something I'm suspicious your SO/cheater has told you. In fact your behavior is the normal one, not his, unless a relationship is a mutual open and honest relationship where both parties agreed to be able to flirt with and enjoy activities of a sexual nature with other people from the beginning. Or if they both agree to change the terms of the relationship later on down the road--i.e. you both agree to see other people and you both really do want that. If he told you this would happen and he would be doing that back when you had your little exclusivity talk (you did have that somewhere, somehow right? Never just assume it please) then it's one thing. You knew what you were signing up for and you can either go enjoy a little action on the side too or you can say, "That's not me" and go find a guy who wants to really be exclusive. But telling you that you're both exclusive and then later down the line saying it's okay and your'e the one with the hangups is again him having lied to you. In the legal world it's called bait and switch, entrapment, not upholding a contract and no that's not normal behavior for two people in a relationship. Not even close.

 

What are your expectations in a relationship when it comes to loyalty and what constitutes cheating?

 

I expect anyone I have a relationship to have my back. This means they will defend me to any outside parties who might not have my best interests at heart and equally they will have this same view with anyone who comes along and wants to insert themselves in a sexual way into our relationship. In other words I am 100 percent loyal and I expect 100 percent loyalty back. If I'm not going to get that same return on my emotional investment then I will either go or I will be in equal parts as loyal--i.e. if they can't keep it in their pants around other people I won't be doing so either. But since I have little patience for one-upmanship games as a general rule unless I really didn't care about the person to begin with I just break up and move on. I've found over the years the worst thing about staying with someone whose a cheater or abusive to you in some way isn't the pain of the initial breakup. It's how POed you are at yourself and how embarrassed you'll feel once you do leave them or they leave you and reason inserts its cool head back into your life. I have to say I've never been half as angry with an ex who cheated on me as I was with myself for not having just admitted what was in front of me from the get-go and left.

 

Oh and I have always gotten over a cheater once the initial pain dies down. Always. No one is so special and so perfect that anyone, but the most damaged of us won't eventually sit up and go, "Hey, I can do better. What the H was I thinking????" It's doubly worse when you see them somewhere down the road and think, "Whoa, I thought that was attractive? I was mentally ill back then wasn't I?"

 

As to what constitutes cheating for me--contact with another live person of a sexual nature. This covers sexting, phone calls where talk of a sexual nature goes on, any mutual acts of a sexual nature--kissing, petting, masturbating, full-on sex, oral sex, objects inserted into orifices (yeah Clinton I'm looking at you, you embarrassment to my country) naughty pics, flirting, buying sex, webcam chatting, responding to Craigslist ads or putting up profiles on dating websites or any other type of activity of a sexual/relationship nature with another live person that I did not agree they could do and that I could do at the beginning of the relationship.

 

I think that about covers it. Simple porn--i.e. them watching videos or looking at pictures of anonymous people having sex or in sexy poses don't count. (Exception: anything involving kids or animals. Not only is this a deal breaker, I will turn their butts over to the authorities so fast they won't even know what hit them until I am on the other side of the stand testifying against them) Porn doesn't count as cheating in my books, because those people are not in contact with your SO or with you personally in any way, shape or form. It's sort of like looking at pictures of food if you're on a diet--you can salivate, it can give you some great ideas for your own kitchen, but you aren't going to end up with that cake on your thighs adding poundage to the body, because it's not personal.

 

And at the end of the day it really comes down to this: A. What did you both agree to and what did you sign up for at the beginning of the relationship AND B. Are you both equals when it comes to all the territories that go with a relationship in and outside of the bedroom AND C. What do you want and expect in a relationship and are you getting that from your partner or not?

[EQIQ]

If you were dating someone exclusively (male or female, doesn't matter) and they were sexting with members of the opposite sex on their phone, would you consider that a form of cheating? Would it bother you?

 

Cheating - Piss me off. I would break up if I wasn't married (which I am), I wouldn't divorce over it though. Would probably be very cold for a long time, until I am really sure everything is cleared up, and she groveled for a while to gain my trust. Wifey would never do this though

Would it make a difference whether or not they were hiding it from you?

 

...?? If they weren't hiding, it would be the same pissed off reaction. If she was hiding, and I found out, it would be worse.

 

Would it make a difference whether or not you had a healthy sex life with them?

Nope. Pissed off, broke my trust.

 

Would it make a difference whether they knew these men/women in real life or not?

 

Yes. If it was people we know in real life, I would be more pissed. But would still be extremely upset either way.

[Steve55]

I'd walk away from anyone who did that, and none of the qualifiers matter.

 

I limit my private definition of cheating as exchanging body fluids, but that doesn't mean anything short of that isn't disloyal.

 

Either I can trust someone or I can't. When I can't, I'm clear on that.

 

Not to hijack this thread, but would you consider an emotional affair to be cheating? Many people say it is more hurtful than a physical affair.

 

Personally, I think both types are cheating. They are both betrayals of trust. If someone is having issues, either seek couseling or leave.

[Tanzi]

If you were dating someone exclusively (male or female, doesn't matter) and they were sexting with members of the opposite sex on their phone, would you consider that a form of cheating? Would it bother you?

 

It is emotional cheating and, yes, it would bother me. If you are in an exclusive relationship with someone then it really shouldn't be acceptable to you that they are getting off on sexting someone else.

 

Would it make a difference whether or not they were hiding it from you?

 

None whatsoever. It is still wrong - unless it was an open relationship of course.

 

To elaborate … if they are doing anything that would hurt you and are therefore keeping it from you then they have set out to deceive you for their own benefit/sexual pleasure. However, I don't see that it is any better that someone feels it OK to do such things (or want to do such things) and think it is acceptable because they've told you.

 

Would it make a difference whether or not you had a healthy sex life with them?

 

Totally. I would not want to have sex with someone who is either deceiving me or disrespecting me.

 

Would it make a difference whether they knew these men/women in real life or not?

None whatsoever. It is still disrespectful.

For me, I guess I tend to be an extremely loyal person. I probably take it even further than most. If I'm dating someone exclusively, I don't even flirt with other people, and I would never engage in sexual/romantic texting with friends of mine on my phone. But maybe that's just me?

 

It is not just you. I think that is what most people expect when in an exclusive relationship. It is basic respect and loyalty. If you have been lead to believe otherwise then I think someone is manipulating you for their own benefit.

 

What are your expectations in a relationship when it comes to loyalty and what constitutes cheating?

 

I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex and I see nothing wrong with light, harmless flirtation. If sexting or conversation becomes sexual then you are sharing a sexual intimacy that is pushing the boundaries of respect and loyalty.

[canine720]

If the sexting is mutual and going back and forth,it's cheating. I saw a text on my g/f's phone a few months ago from our neighbor. He wanted her to come over for sex and sent a picture of his junk. The g/f said she'd come over but no sex,said they were only friends. I was extremely pissed though and am getting ready to start monitoring her phone. I can't control what the neighbor sends her but if she's ok with his texts or if I find out she is sending similar texts back, I'm gone. I love her but she lost some of my trust. If she's sexting him she will lose all my trust in her.

[Tanzi]

If the sexting is mutual and going back and forth,it's cheating. I saw a text on my g/f's phone a few months ago from our neighbor. He wanted her to come over for sex and sent a picture of his junk. The g/f said she'd come over but no sex,said they were only friends. I was extremely pissed though and am getting ready to start monitoring her phone. I can't control what the neighbor sends her but if she's ok with his texts or if I find out she is sending similar texts back, I'm gone. I love her but she lost some of my trust. If she's sexting him she will lose all my trust in her.

 

I think it was disrespectful of her to go see him when he had asked her to go over for sex. Friends don't ask you for sex.

[lady00]

I think it was disrespectful of her to go see him when he had asked her to go over for sex. Friends don't ask you for sex.

I agree. I would NOT be friends with some guy like this. It is insulting to ask for sex when you know the person is taken. It's disrespectful to the bf to even continue speaking to the "friend".

[Fudgie]

I think it's cheating by my standards, yes. Now, if a couple decides mutually that flirting/sexting is okay for them to do, then it's not cheating at all. Just like how open relationships aren't cheating when everyone knows what's going on.

 

But yeah, sexting behind your partner's back is cheating, IMO. I don't think flirting is "cheating" exactly, but I find it rude and disrespectful. Like you, WeeToad, I don't flirt while in a relationship nor do I sext (heck I don't even do that with a partner in a relationship, just not my thing).

 

I don't think that's old fashioned at all. It's just about having a little respect for the person that you're with. If you agree to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, then be monogamous. If you can't handle monogamy, then tell your partner right away asking for an open relationship (he/she may not agree) or end the relationship.