Boyfriend going on vacation without me?

[GMSR011392]

So I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we're in our early 20s. We have never vacationed together due to money as well as his parents believing that we shouldn't take a vacation alone together (sucky situation, but I've learned to cope).

 

This summer my boyfriend was invited to go on a beach vacation with a dozen or so friends, girls and guys, that he has gone to high school with. One of the friends' parents are going and they are very rich, so they pay for everyone to go. My boyfriend has been on this same trip 2 times before, as they tend to go every year, except for one year. When my boyfriend told me he was going again this year, I was highly upset because a) we never get to vacation together ourselves and b) I'll be leaving for school soon after his vacation, so I won't be seeing him as much so I wanted to spend some quality time with him before the semester starts. This is the first summer where I won't be in school, so we could spend a lot of time together. I feel so upset by this and completely overlooked. I'm also highly jealous because I've actually never been to the beach before or even on vacation, and he knows how badly I want to just go somewhere. I don't want to ask him outright not to go because I don't want to be selfish. I'm just imagining myself alone as I prepare to go back to school, listening to him tell me about all the wonderful things he's doing while on vacation And it just sucks because we can't vacation together, and yet he gets to go on this week-long vacation with his friends.

 

So what do I do? Am I justified in how I'm feeling?

[Ayanokōji]

So if you said, hey the beach looks fun, lets go together whats his response?

[nutbrownhare]

I can see why you're disappointed - I'm sure he'll have a brilliant holiday and you'd have loved to be there - but would you really have wanted him to turn it down? Ideally, in a relationship we want our partner to be happy even if it doesn't involve us. If he were paying for it himself and leaving you behind, that would be different - but it's effectively a regular high school reunion paid for by someone else.

 

Have I read this right - it's a week-long vacation? And you could have spent a lot of time together if he weren't going? Doesn't this mean you'll still be able to spend a lot of time together, minus one week?

 

It's not his fault you've never been to the beach, or that you've never been on vacation. Hopefully there will be many, many opportunities in the future - you've got the rest of your life ahead of you, with or without him.

 

What you need to do now is recognise that you're in your early 20's, and are no longer a kid. It won't be long before you have the income and all the freedoms of adulthood - and they'll come frighteningly quickly to you. Put this whole incident in perspective. Your jealousy is telling you very clearly that this is something you really want to do for yourself, so put it in a box marked 'Future plans' and make sure you get the vacation you want as soon as possible. It's something you can work towards.

 

In the meantime, make sure you don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, which will do neither you nor the relationship any good, and make sure you have as good a time as you can when he's not there.

[Ms Darcy]

Ideally, in a relationship we want our partner to be happy even if it doesn't involve us. If he were paying for it himself and leaving you behind, that would be different - but it's effectively a regular high school reunion paid for by someone else.

 

It's not his fault you've never been to the beach, or that you've never been on vacation. Hopefully there will be many, many opportunities in the future - you've got the rest of your life ahead of you, with or without him.

 

I agree. A sponsored "high school reunion" is an excellent way for you to think about it. If you want a similar experience, make it happen for yourself. You are an adult and certainly not dependant on him.

 

If that were my bf, I would be very happy for him.

[catfeeder]

You're smart for not asking him to forego the trip. Now be even smarter and put on your best happy face for him--and encourage him to enjoy the hell out of this.

 

It's a week. It's a gift. Be the kind of GF he's lucky to have.

[missmarple]

I disagree with the others.

I would leave this selfish guy and find myself a boyfriend who would rather be with me than going on a beach vacation (which he's already taken twice before).

[Lester]

You asked, "So what do I do? Am I justified in how I'm feeling?"

- Yes, break up with him and lay future plans to only date non-hypocrite's who don't take you for granted.

 

Ena has about a billion HS sweethearts in the throes of divorce for many of the "feelings" you mentioned.

Free up and get out there!

[AceGirl]

I think you should be invited on this vacation with him. He should explain to his parents that he is with you and they should accept that fact. Maybe you have to pay some $ to tag along but still I think the offer for you to go should be on the table.

 

It's hard when your SO is out having fun w/o you, been there, done that!

[Snny]

This is the first summer where I won't be in school, so we could spend a lot of time together. I feel so upset by this and completely overlooked. I'm also highly jealous because I've actually never been to the beach before or even on vacation, and he knows how badly I want to just go somewhere.

Ok... yeah, you got a valid point. He is choosing to spend time with his friends than with you and he knows about your limited availability when it comes to vacation. He is being selfish here that I would reconsider the relationship too.

 

It's one thing if he offered to go on a trip with you either after or before going out with his friends, but he's made no indication on this.

 

You can't get your boyfriend to do private things because of his parents' conservative expectations. You can't go on a trip with him exclusively. I don't think this relationship will work out for you in the long run

[GinNJuice]

I think you should end the relationship, not due to this incident, but due to the overall unhappiness you feel from the whole situation of never being able to go away with him.

[GMSR011392]

I do love him a lot though. We talk about marriage a few years down the road and he tells me constantly how much he loves me and misses me when we're not together....It's just this one thing I'm unhappy about. I wish he would put his foot down with his parents and tell them he's not a child anymore. Also, I'll be leaving for grad school for the first time while this vacation will be occurring and I'm very nervous about the move and he knows that. He knows how much I'm going to need him at that point....It isn't definite that he's going yet, so we'll see what happens

[abitbroken]

If the rules you set for the relationship are that you do not go anywhere overnight together, then vacations would be overnight together. I think that you can't be mad at him going on a trip he goes on every year with friends if this is the set rule. Or complain that you never go anywhere together if that is the rule. He shouldn't cancel going so he can sit at home because his girlfriend cannot go. If you don't like the rule, then talk about it when he is not going on vacation. Talk about the future and if you guys think its appropriate to go overnight together and what that entails and how it affects your relationship.

 

Also, if the parents of the one kid pay for this, you cannot impose yourself and they should not expect to be party to your sleeping together. The people who go are people that are known to them and might have grown up with their kid and maybe the young ladies that go are not paired up as girlfriends with the guys, etc. Or if it has always been the same people with nobody new.

 

It overall sounds like you are young and if he is under his parents' roof, they call some of the shots.

 

If the relationship is fine except some of these "growing up" issues - then maybe you need to have it as a motivation to get your own place and maybe he should get his own place separately so you can begin to call the shots.

 

It's just this one thing I'm unhappy about. I wish he would put his foot down with his parents and tell them he's not a child anymore.

 

If he is under their roof, he has some rules to follow.

 

Apparently, this has nothing really to do about vacation and everything to do about how you wanted him to be there when you moved. Was the vacation planned long before you knew where you were going? Can you move in a week earlier? Or later? Were you expecting him to drive the truck and move you?

[abitbroken]

btw, you DON'T want him to really ask you to go to this vacation. You can't go anyhow. You are busy and other people are paying. You want him to drop the trip to be with you when you move. So just be honest with him instead of making this about his parents saying he shouldn't stay overnight/go on a trip with you or how you should be included or how it would be nice to ask you - or that "you need him here". When the trip was proposed, you should have from the get go said "i am moving that week. Would you please stay behind and help me move?" And he could say yes or no. He could see you have your parents, brother, roommate or movers moving boxes and may think you are covered, but does not interpret it as an emotional need of yours to have him there holding your hand. Some people don't pick up on that.

 

At this point, if tickets have not been booked, then instead of huffing or making this about how he doesn't go on trips with you - just tell him point blank that you would like him to help you move. It would mean a lot for you for him to be there and make it clear that he is not just there for the muscle.

 

There have been times when movers moved my sister or I moved without boyfriends because the movers came and it was a better use of time for my ex boyfriend to take the time off after I was settled in my new place to have take out with me on lawn chairs in the living room to celebrate after things were done or to spend time helping me figure out where things go rather than being in the truck.

 

If you really want him to make a declaration of his love by cancelling the trip because he has not gone anywhere with you - unless you guys change the rules so you can travel together - you can't expect him to stay home and twiddle his thumbs and never go anywhere.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree and I think you are being selfish about this situation.

[catfeeder]

Can you move in a week earlier? Or later? Were you expecting him to drive the truck and move you?

 

This. You say you're going to grad school--so presumably you've been to undergrad school, and you're a big girl.

 

I'd want people out of my hair while I'm moving and to come see me after I've settled in. Unless you were counting on him to drive the truck, why isn't that an option?

[GMSR011392]

Digging into this deeper, it's not the fact that he's going on a trip with his friends that week or that I'm moving at the same time...I guess the real issue is that I just want us to be able to spend nights together/have vacations together. And my anger at him leaving to go on vacation with his friends is just jealously really that he can do stuff like that with friends but is not able to do those things when it's just the two of us. I do have my own place right now, so he would be able to spend the night. It comes down to the fact that his parents will not allow it. I do like his parents a lot and they like me too. I'm trying to understand where they are coming from but it has been very frustrating. He wants to do all those things with me, but he will not cross his parents to do so (which I DO respect). He has approached them about the topic but they have been very close-minded about the issue and will not discuss it further with him. We're at a stalemate, and I just want to find ways now in which to just deal with this issue and to not let it cause me to hold grudges (which, as you can see, is the root of this whole vacation with friends thing)

[Lester]

It's certainly not "stalemate"!

 

Only after you step off this merry-go-round will you be free to see the big picture/world.

 

Step off now...

[Ms Darcy]

Then let this vacation thing go and tell him what you told us about the real issue. I think at some point you must realize that your bf is making this choice to not do certain things with you.

[catfeeder]

I guess the real issue is that I just want us to be able to spend nights together/have vacations together.

 

Good, you've clarified the issue for yourself--which will prevent you from going off course and sounding petty or insecure.

 

Do you know how long he intends to live with his parents?

 

That's your primary consideration, right there. Since he's not a deceptive person who will attempt to hoodwink his folks for a frolic overnight, you don't want to pressure him to behave in a deceptive way. That would harm everything--your trust in him as honest, his view of you as respectful, and his view of a relationship that conflicts with his honesty.

 

So what do you have left to negotiate with? Nothing but time, really. And that's why you'll need to decide whether you can take or leave the amount of time between his current homelife and his move out on his own.

 

If that's not on the horizon, that's where I'd start--what is his projected due date for his own place, and can I live with that, or do I need to walk on?

[GMSR011392]

If that's not on the horizon, that's where I'd start--what is his projected due date for his own place, and can I live with that, or do I need to walk on?

 

That's where the uncertainty lays. If we do get married, it won't be for at least another four years, after I finish my degree. He will probably be living with his parents until that point. Again, anything could happen, so it's not entirely set in stone that he will be staying with his parents that long. However, just the thought of this continuing for at least another four years disheartens me. I want to make this relationship work, and I'm trying my hardest to accept this situation, hence why I came here for advice.

[lerenard]

I think most parents would be happy if their not-really-a-child-anymore moved in with his long term girlfriend. What is their problem/reason for not letting their 20 something son live with his GF?

[GMSR011392]

I think most parents would be happy if their not-really-a-child-anymore moved in with his long term girlfriend. What is their problem/reason for not letting their 20 something son live with his GF?

 

It's religious reasons and just their belief that we should not live together if we're not married.

[lerenard]

What kind of religion tells people that they shouldn't live together if not married? Some say you shouldn't have sex before marriage, but living together? So I guess its mostly their belief.

 

And honestly - people shouldn't get married if they haven't lived together for at least some time before that.

[abitbroken]

The OP must decide whether she wants a boyfriend that will live with her and go places with her, or she wants her boyfriend and believes all of his other qualities are worth waiting for. She doesn't know if he will really live with his parents for four years or not.

 

But I will say NOT being able to go on trips with your boyfriend gives you more inspiration to cultivate your female friendships or go solo for now - and when you do get married to this guy or someone else - you will not have the feeling that you missed out on girlfriend time, "finding yourself", travel, etc, before marriage or kids. You will be a much more whole person than if you rotated around your bf.

 

My bf and I decided that vacationing together was a privelege of marriage and it doesn't matter what my friends do with their bfs.

 

What kind of religion tells people that they shouldn't live together if not married? Some say you shouldn't have sex before marriage, but living together? So I guess its mostly their belief.

 

And honestly - people shouldn't get married if they haven't lived together for at least some time before that.

 

"Living together" creates the assumption that two people are living similar to husband and wife. "living together" is not something addressed in scripture, but the other stuff about living as husband and wife and not being married, sharing a marital bed, etc, most definitely is, so "living together" is by extension. Sure, two people could live together, and only they would know they are not having sex. But do you really think that will happen (no sex?") I know that most Judeo-Christian traditions and assume Islam would imply the same.

 

I disagree that two people must live together. I lived with my first ex before marriage and vowed to never ever do it again. My boyfriend and I will not live together before marriage. We have weekends where we spend the entire time together, except we return to our own beds in our own places at night. He has a brother who lives five blocks from his place and if he doesn't feel comfortable with me driving home late, he will crash there for a night. We fully know what eachother's main habits are and have talked at length about others. We want no "trial period"

 

Anyway, I am not going to turn this into a debate over all this - I do feel that in the OP's case, her boyfriend is sticking to not living together and not having vacations together before marriage. She has a choice to honor that or to break it off due to incompatibility. He is not going to budge on it. She can chalk it up to his parents or she can admit that her boyfriend agrees with it and is afraid to tell her so. It is easier to put the onus on the parents. She can either decide if its a dealbreaker or not.

[GMSR011392]

I do feel that in the OP's case, her boyfriend is sticking to not living together and not having vacations together before marriage. She has a choice to honor that or to break it off due to incompatibility. He is not going to budge on it. She can chalk it up to his parents or she can admit that her boyfriend agrees with it and is afraid to tell her so. It is easier to put the onus on the parents. She can either decide if its a dealbreaker or not.

 

 

I also agree that we should not live together before marriage for numerous reasons. However, like you said, I do not want to turn this into a debate. Anyway, it would be easier for me to accept these circumstances if he did not openly express to me that he does want to spend some nights with me or go on vacation with me. He has, on tons of occasions, told me that he wants to spend the night or that he wants to go places with me. And yet, we never follow through. He tells me its his parents, that they are the reason he can't. It's the constant cycle of disappointment of him expressing that he wants to do those things, and then we never actually do them. I don't agree that he's afraid to tell me otherwise. He would have definitely said so in the beginning, when the idea of spending the night together or vacationing together first came up.

 

No, I don't believe it's a dealbreaker. We are perfect together in every other way and I love him very much. I am trying my hardest to accept these circumstances. I am anxious though about going away to school and not being able to see him for some time due to the fact that he can't stay the night with me. I will live far enough away to where just coming up for the day and then going back home is a lot of gas and a lot of time driving.